Genre: Comfort/hurt
Trigger warning: Anxiety, social anxiety, self-hatred, and insecurities.
Your boyfriend thinks the two of you should break up because he's not good enough, but you have other plans.
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"I think we should break up."
Those words shattered your world. There was love in your eyes when you looked at Han Jisung. The moment he uttered those words, it blew out like a candlelight. A lump began to fill your throat and invisible icy fingers curled around your lungs.
"What do you mean?" You weakly got out.
The two of you were on opposite sides of the couch. Han had been off all day, but you had ignored it. When you tried to ask a few times about the strange avoidant behavior, he brushed you off and insisted it was nothing.
His sudden declaration blindsided you. It was a knife in your back. Flipping through the memories of the past few months, you weren't sure what went wrong. You couldn't think of anything that was different.
The two of you got along great. There had been a few mishaps here and there, but those had the potential to occur in every relationship. They were normal and they always smoothed over. Your life with Han seemed to be pretty good, so why now?
"I can't be with you anymore. I'm sorry, but I-I can't." He struggled to hold back his tears. He blinked rapidly trying to hide the glossy sheerness, but it was too late.
All day he had been fighting with himself about this situation. He didn't like the thought of breaking up with you, but he didn't know what else to do. How were you supposed to date someone when your own brain was against you?
When you were poisoned with self-hatred and your brain was on the verge of imploding, how could someone handle loving another? When you were lulled to sleep with whispers about how they were better than you in every way. When anxiety gnawed bits of brain and tunneled its way through intestines and created gut-wrenching stomach aches, it wasn't healthy in the slightest.
Your head spun with multiple questions. So many things were on the tip of your tongue. Despite the sudden betrayal, you managed to push out one. "Why?" Your own voice sounded like a stranger's, shrill and high-pitched.
"Because..." The lump in his throat was starting to expand. He sniffled as his nose began to run. The maroon fabric of his hoodie wiped across his eyes. "Because I'm not good enough for you."
The words were like a baseball bat to your heart. The spider-webbing of cracks began to inch across the surface. Your face fell as you took in Han's appearance.
He refused to meet your eyes and kept his gaze on the floor. The ends of his hoodie sleeves were curled and bunched up around his hands. He sniffled again and squirmed beneath your gaze.
"You're not good enough for me?"
He shook his head as a tear fell. "You-" His voice wobbled again. He had to clear his throat before he continued. "You deserve someone so much better than me. I can't compete with what you have."
"I don't think I understand what you mean."
"You're more beautiful than I'll ever be. You're smart and you're confident. You know what you want and you know what you're doing with all of this." He gestured around the room. "You know how to live and I don't."
"I-I just feel like I'm worthless. I'm always so anxious and worried all the time. You deserve someone who is confident and sure about themselves. You deserve someone who's smarter than me. Someone who is better and someone who isn't always so busy."
"It's not fair," he managed to get out, "that I have to be away from you all the time for work. You deserve someone who'll be around to support you all the time. I can't be that kind of person for you."
You gathered your thoughts trying to come up with a response. Sucking in a deep breath, you shut your eyes before you reopened them. You shook your head, "no."
"No?" He echoed.
"No. You don't get to dump me because you think you're not good enough for me. You don't get to be the person who decides that because that's not fair."
"But, I-"
"Your brain might work against you, so I'm here to tell you that it's wrong. I will sit here and combat every awful thing it says even if it takes me hours. You want the truth? The truth is that I love you and I will always love you."
"You don't get to see all the good about yourself. You don't see how much you make me happy. You make me want to live. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met inside and out. You write the most amazing songs and I love the way your brain works."
"There's something magical about you, Han Jisung." You sniffled and sat up a little straighter. "So no, no we're not breaking up because you can't get rid of me that easily. If I let you go and if I let you believe the things your brain was telling you about yourself, what kind of person would that make me?"
The tears filling up in Han's eyes finally fell. Nobody had ever said anything like this before. There was nothing, but fierce determination in your eyes. You were ready to do whatever it took to change his mind.
"Why do you care so much?"
"That's what you do when you love someone, you fight their battles with them. You support them through thick and thin. You love them despite their flaws and their scars. You're like my sun and I will not let you leave me alone in the dark. Do you hear me?"
His bottom lip quivered. He pawed at his eyes again and smeared tears along his cheeks in the process. The metaphor touched something in his heart. He was about to break down crying when you crawled across the length of the leather couch to close the distance between the two of you.
You wrapped your arms around him and pulled him into your chest. You were expecting him to break down due to the intense emotions, but he didn't. He sucked in shaky breaths instead. Warm salted tears coated your chest and soaked in the fabric of your t-shirt.
You placed your cheek along the top of his head and began to rub his back. "No matter what happens, I won't let you go. I won't let you fight this alone. I'll always be here when you need me."
He didn't speak and he didn't have to. You already knew everything he wanted to say. He made it very clear in the way he squeezed his arms around your waist and clutched you tighter. He held onto you like you were a raft in an ocean and in some ways, you were.
Floating on an ocean of insecurities and being pulled away by the tide of abhorrence of oneself. It wasn't up to everyone else to fix you, but a little self-assurance never hurt anyone. It was easier to breathe when the people around you helped support you.
Anxiety was always a challenge. When you couldn't control everything and the future was too scary, everything fell apart. Shredding you from the inside out, too much awareness, you were doomed. A constant weight on your shoulders, a constrictor squeezing your lungs, and non-existent bugs burrowing into your stomach.
Self-doubt could be isolating. In a world full of social anxiety, when everyone was against you until proven otherwise, life was hard. A constant inner battle of turmoil and high-strung emotions that left the affected person exhausted.
Going outside felt impossible at times. You never knew who you could trust. They say that even salt looks like sugar and it couldn't be more true at times. Getting to know you was one of the hardest things he had ever done.
To muster up the courage to approach a stranger and start a conversation. To some, it seems so silly. Conversations are a part of everyday life. The truth is that you can't get very far without being able to communicate with others.
For others, it is the bravest thing in the entire world. A measly ant-hill to some can be Mount Everest to others and there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone has different battles and life has an array of challenges for everyone.
Despite everything, you wouldn't let go of Han. Not now and not ever. Love was something you didn't take lightly. Sure, it wasn't a marriage, but it felt like one to you. You gave your everything in romantic relationships and you wouldn't stop now.
You clutched Han tightly and you wouldn't let go. You'd sit here with silent reassurance as long as you needed to. You wouldn't let his anxiety win this time. You wouldn't let it push you away. You'd stay here until the end of time if he'd allow it.
Right here, wrapped up and intertwined with each other, there was nothing like it. As far as you were concerned, this was your home. Han Jisung was your home and there was so much love inside your home.