After being brain-dead and on a ventilator for days, Hyunjin is forced to cope with the realization that you're not coming back.
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"I don't know how to let you go," Hyunjin finally spoke up. After staying by your side for days while you remained unconscious in the hospital, the soft beeps of the heart rate monitor were the only thing keeping him company besides your steady breathing.
The sharp smell of antiseptic filled your room. No matter how many hours he stayed by your side, he couldn't get used to it. He watched your chest move up and down in silence. His tears stopped flowing at some point as his sorrow ebbed into a state of numbness.
"I know it's selfish of me to want you to stay, but you're still warm." His hand slipped into yours and he wrapped his fingers around the back of your palm. He used to say the two of you fit together like a perfect puzzle. "I keep thinking I'll wake up from this nightmare."
"One of these times, I'll look up and I'll be able to see your eyes flutter open." A broken chuckle fell from his lips. "You used to look at me with such affection. It always warmed my heart. One look from you seemed to melt my worries away." He kept his eyes focused on your hands.
"I've begged the doctors to change the outcome, but it's always the same. Every test they run, you don't respond, and that's how I know you're really gone. If you were still here, you'd try so hard to prove you were alive." His thumb dusted against the top of yours. "I know you would if you could."
His words stopped for a few moments and his gaze went to your face. How cruel of the world to present you to him as a sleeping beauty. You looked like you were sleeping and showed no signs of being brain-dead. The dim lights behind your bed casted shadows on your face. He tried to smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.
The ventilator had been secured around your head with a plastic strap. A clear plastic tube was cautiously eased into your throat by the steady hands of a doctor. The larger tube tapered off into two smaller blue tubes. One pushed in oxygen whereas the other pulled out carbon dioxide.
"Your family came to visit a few times. I remember how lively your family was when we visited them for the holidays. They were so upbeat and happy. Warm smiles, open arms, and tight hugs." His heart stung at the memory. "They're trying their best to cope."
"I hope wherever you are, I hope you don't blame yourself. Nobody ever asks for these things to happen, they just do." He shut his eyes for a moment. A soft sigh escaped his lips. "We've been hoping and praying that you'll come around, but..." His voice lowered, "it's been a few weeks now."
"I think it's time we l-let," his voice cracked, "you go." He swallowed the uncomfortable lump in his throat and went on. "Your family couldn't be here for this and I'm sorry, but they've known you your whole life. This is the most difficult decision they've ever had to make."
"They all said their final good-byes yesterday and I hope you heard them. They really care about you, you know? We all do." His attention was pulled from you when there was a knock and the door opened.
A nurse stood in bright blue scrubs. Her mouth opened to say something, but her gaze softened upon the scene before her. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but the doctor would like to know when you're ready to..." She couldn't bring herself to say the words.
"Is it alright if I have a few more minutes?"
"Of course," she forced herself to smile. "Please take all the time you need." She spun around and shut the door without another word.
Hyunjin's attention went back to you. He tried to memorize the feeling of your hand in his. This was the last time the two of you would be together. He bit down on the inside of his cheek and closed his eyes again.
"I have to keep reminding myself you're already gone. Deep down, I know you're gone, in my heart, but my brain wants to tell me otherwise." He reopened his eyes and pulled his hand away from yours.
Without a word, he stood up and moved toward your hospital bed. He sat on the edge of it and grabbed your hand again, this time with both of his hands. "Your family spoke to the doctors and they've decided to donate some of your organs."
"I struggled with it, at first, because I didn't want to imagine that, but the doctors have told us about the receivers. There's a five year old boy who struggles with kidney failure. Your kidneys are going to him and the doctors say if everything goes right, he could have a normal life."
A memory popped up of the two of you walking in a park. The two of you were holding hands and talking when a kid fell off the swing. You let go of Hyunjin's hand and rushed over to console the crying child. You wiped away their tears, pulled a band-aid out of your bag, and reassured her everything would be alright as you bandaged her scraped finger.
"And there's a father of two children that'll receive your liver. The doctors said he's fighting liver cancer. I got to meet with him and talk to him. He has two cats and a goldfish," Hyunjin chuckled. "Can you believe he has a goldfish? I've never met anyone with a single pet goldfish."
"And your heart is going to a woman around your age. She just had a baby a few weeks ago. She needs the heart, so she can raise her baby." Tears pricked up in his eyes. "I wish it didn't have to be yours, but you own the biggest heart I've ever known."
"You might not be alive anymore, but parts of you are going to keep on living. I think if you were able to hear that, you'd be at peace with it. You always liked helping people. You're one of the most selfless people I know."
He moved forward and gently laid himself between the small opening of you and your bed. His tears blurred his vision as he glanced over at your face. He pushed a piece of your hair away from your forehead with a trembling hand.
"I'm going to miss everything about you. The way you used to smile at me when I came home. The warmth of your body when I crawled into bed after a long day of work. The home cooked meals you used to make sometimes. All those times I annoyed you while we shopped for groceries." He laughed at the memory.
"I know it's part of life and this is how it works. I have to let you go, I know you'd want me to, but I miss you so much. I don't want to do this without you."
The suppressed emotions were bubbling up inside him. He was hit with a wave of anger and his voice came out a little louder. "Why can't you just wake up? We need you here! I need you!" His ugly sobs filled the room. He rolled over and stuck his head in your chest.
He wasn't met by the comfort of your arms. The soft sound of your voice never appeared. You used to gently tug your fingers through his hair, but that was gone too. Your heart monitor continued to beep. Your brainwaves ceased to exist. The ventilator continued to breathe for you.
He sobbed until his throat was raw. Snot and tears coated your hospital gown. His arms wrapped around you and he moved beneath the ventilator tube to listen to your heartbeat a final time.
He closed his eyes and laid there for a while. The nurses must have heard his sobs from outside the room. They must have decided to let him experience this human misery in peace. His heart had cracked open like an eggshell and the only thing left behind was the runny intangible feeling of despair.
After a while his sobs turned into quiet singing. His voice cracked and the pitch was wrong, but it didn't matter. The never ending stream of sadness flowed out of him in the form of your favorite songs. With his ear pressed to your chest, he sang, and sang, and sang until he finally ended it with your favorite song.
When he finished, he was left with a hollow ache in his heart. This was it, the end of everything, he was alone now. He forced himself to pull away from you. He took in your face a final time.
The way your eyelashes brushed against the tops of your cheeks. The slope of your nose. The feathered eyebrows that you used to get mad at because you had to pluck them regularly to keep their shape.
He leaned forward, so his face was a few inches away from yours. "Please just wait for me. Wherever you are, I'll find you one day. If you're not there, I'll find you in the next life." His bottom lip quivered, "I-I promise."
He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the middle of your forehead. They remained there for a few seconds until he pulled away. "I love you to Saturn and back."
Saturn was your favorite planet. It had been your favorite planet ever since Hyunjin bought a telescope after you mentioned you liked space in a passing conversation. For your latest birthday, he bought the telescope and set it up to view the planets and stars.
He set up a picnic for you on top of a hill. The two of you watched the sun set side by side. You fell asleep in his lap and he woke you up when it was dark enough to see the planets. After spending nearly twenty minutes searching the cloudy darkened sky, you finally found Saturn.
It was your thing ever since that night.
I love you to Saturn and back.
Such a simple phase that held so much meaning to the two of you. That picnic was the place where Hyunjin asked you to date him. It was beneath those stars that the two of you shared your first kiss.
He gave your hand one last reassuring squeeze before he reached over to press the call button to let the nurses know that it was time.