(Shorter chapter!!)
(TW!! Mentions of abuse, s/a, drug usage, and suicide!!)
It's a few hours later and we're back in Alexandria. Nobody said a word the whole way home, they just cried or stayed silent.
Everything feels different now. Without Rick, we're lost- as much as I hate to admit it. He gave us direction, he was a father figure to us all, he was Rick. And now he's gone.
It's obvious a piece of everyone's heart is missing, you can practically hear the hollow thump.
I can't even look at Michonne. She hasn't stopped crying and I know if I look at her I'm gonna break down and never stop.
Damien and Cato decided to move back to Alexandria, they went back to Hilltop to pack up their stuff.
As soon as I take my first steps in Alexandria, I know exactly where I'm going.
People stare at our distressed groups as we all disperse throughout the streets. Some people went to the Hilltop, some to the Kingdom, places that have leaders.
My footsteps sound hollow in my ears as I pound down the steps to the front door of the cell house and slam into the room, causing Negan to jump up from his cot.
"Jesus wha- Adrian." He stops, his eyes widening. "Did Rick-"
"Yeah, Rick told me. And now the last conversation I had with him was about you!" I exclaim, slamming the door shut and swallowing the lump in my throat.
Negan's face drops, "Last conversation?"
I nod, crossing my arms over my chest. "Rick's dead. Blew himself up to save the rest of us."
"Holy shit," Negan whispers, barely trying to hide his smirk by looking at his feet.
"Look, Negan, I know you don't like Rick. I fuckin' know, but I did. You can have your little party when I'm gone but I'm down here to talk about Nick."
Negan quickly looks back up at me, "You sure?"
"I wouldn't be down here if I wasn't." I scoot the wooden chair across from the cell door and sit on it, resting my elbows on my knees. "Why the fuck would you reunite us? After everything you did for me!"
I can already feel fire rising through my toes and dispersing throughout every inch of my body, causing my heart rate to speed up.
"He was supposed to be changed. I didn't know we were seeing you but he hadn't had any reports of being an asshole to women."
I scoff and lean back in my chair at Negan's words, "It's fuckin' Nick." I mumble, "The fuck do you expect?"
Negan shrugs and sits on the ground in front of me, "I reunited you guys because you were a reward for him for forcing a group into submission."
"I was a fuckin' reward?!"
Negan nods, clearly not impressed with himself. "That first time I saw you with your bruises I knew he wasn't changed but...a man can't go back on his word."
"You went back on your word with me. When you said you would never allow him to hurt me again." I quickly stand up and pull my shirt up, revealing the new scars on my back. "You lied."
Negan winces and slowly closes his eyes, nodding. "I know." He says as I sit back down. "And Adrian I- I immediately regretted it. The only thing I could be sure to protect you from was him raping you, that's one of the main rules at the Sanctuary, and it-" Negan's face turns grim when he sees the sides of my mouth twitching into a frown. "You lied when he said he hadn't done that..."
I barely manage to swallow the rock in my throat for a second time, having to pause before I respond because I'll break down if I speak too soon. "I-" I quickly stop myself when I hear the uncontrollable shake in my voice.
"You thought I was tellin' the truth?" I manage to get out, rolling my eyes. "I was drugged head to toe! Whether I told you the truth or not I wasn't in the right head space to tell you what he was doin'!"
"I know I just thought-"
"You thought wrong, Negan."
Negan nods and sighs deeply. "I wish you woulda' told me. That iron woulda' loved to kiss his ass."
I chuckle dryly, "I got my revenge. Though...it woulda' been fun to hear his screams of agony."
Negan chortles, "I heard you killed him pretty brutally but nobody would give me the details."
I smirk and go through how he died in my head again. Feeling the wind blow against my naked body while my shirt is wrapped around my throbbing wound. Hearing his screams go silent when his vocal cords get ripped out. Smiling from relief when I feel his body heat finally decrease, symbolizing his last breath.
"Ripped 'is throat out." I inform him, digging around my backpack and finding the Polaroid. Once I find it, I pull it out and reach into the bars, handing him the picture.
He whistles, "Holy shit, Rattlesnake. Goddamn, you really fucked him up."
"Yeah, well, was a long time comin'. Killed me though."
Negan nods, "I bet it did."
I shake my head, "No like...my heart stopped beating."
He pauses and looks up at me. "What? You're jokin'."
"I wish I was. You can't even imagine the looks on everyone's faces when I woke up."
Negan straightens up, "You died?"
I nod, "I saw everyone again. Mom, dad, Carl...Abraham and Glenn."
He hands me my Polaroid back, "And you just...came back to life?"
I roll my eyes, "I'm not beggin' for you to believe me. I'm just tellin' you how it is. 'Ight?"
It feels weird to talk to Negan. I'm being very bitchy to him and I can tell he's noticing it too but I can't help it. It's not about Abraham or Glenn. It's about Nick.
I'm also grieving and he knows that too.
We both sit in silence for a moment and I just stare at Negan. His salt-and-pepper beard is now grown out and long and his skin is paler. He's wearing a blue prison-like jumpsuit and he's shoeless.
The man I'm watching rotting in a cell is the same man I would've and will die for.
Negan looks me up and down, "I know you just lost Rick but...something's different about you."
A tear immediately rolls down my cheek and I quickly look to the ground, trying to hide it.
"Adrian," Negan says, his voice soft as he stands up and grips the rusted bars.
"I didn't come down here for Nick." I admit, my voice now quieter.
"Then what did you come down here for?" He asks.
I open my mouth to say something but instead, I inhale and swallow, barely managing to make a sound. "Talk me out of it." I finally say, bringing my teary gaze back to Negan.
"What?" He asks, his eyes widening.
"I can't..." My voice begins to quiver again and I look back at my feet. "I can't do that to 'Lyss...not now but..."
"Adrian wha..." His voice trails off when I stand up and unlock the door.
"You have five minutes before that door is locked again." I say.
Immediately, Negan walks out and grabs me off of the chair, hugging me tightly. He inhales the scent of my hair a gently rubs my back, careful to avoid the scars.
I quickly hug him back, missing the feeling of his strong arms around me whenever I needed it.
He doesn't say anything for a second, he just hugs me and allows me to relax into his arms.
He's the only man, other than Damien and Cato of course, that I'm willing to be this vulnerable around. Yes, he reunited me with Nick but it's clear he didn't know...kind of.
He was definitely on a power trip and didn't want to seem weak by pulling me out of that situation and that, I'll never forgive him for. But it's Negan.
"I don't know what to do." I whisper into his shoulder.
He nods, "I know you don't. But the thing that you have to know is that whether you believe it or not, you're not the villain. You're not the reason Rick is dead, you're not the reason I'm in this cell, you're not the reason Nick did everything he did to you-" Negan cuts himself off when I breakdown in his arms, holding me up as I sob.
He doesn't say anything, he doesn't do anything, he just rests his head on top of mine and holds me.
"Negan, I don't wanna be here anymore." I cry out. "Nick got his way."
He shakes his head, leaning backward to look me in the eyes. "Now why in the flying fuck would you let that dick-less chum have his way?"
"I can't fight it."
"You have before."
I shake my head, my shoulders still shaking from my cries. "No, I failed before."
Negan's shoulders drop and he stares into my bloodshot eyes before he perks back up again. "You're telling me you haven't thought about blowing your brains out once since the war ended?"
I shake my head, "No."
He nods, "Exactly. You didn't do it. That's fighting it. You're here right now, asking for help. That's fighting it."
I sniff, "I'm doin' this for 'Lyss."
"Stop invalidating it. Whether you're doing it for Alyssa or not you're still trying to stay alive and that's all that matters. Adrian, I'm sure you've heard this a lot but you are so strong. You've lost everyone and yourself and still your main focus is everyone else and keeping them alive. It's like the universe keeps trying to drag you down but you show 'em a big sign with flashing lights and lasers that says 'fuck you' and you don't let them. Why the hell should you give up now when Nick is finally dead and you can start living! You don't have to worry about Nick finding you or you finding him because you killed him. You did."
He smiles warmly even though I know it's a forced smile, "And believe me, it's as true as my dick is big."
I act fake shocked, "So you're lying? How could you?"
He scoffs and shoves me back lightly, "Okay, asshole."
I chuckle through my tears and look up at Negan, "Thank you." I say, my voice full of genuine gratitude.
He nods, "Don't. You know you don't have to."
I sigh and run my fingers through my hair, "As much as I would love for you to free-roam around Alexandria..."
He nods and steps back into his cell, "Yep, I know. I'd be assassinated on spot."
I nod, hearing the cell door click, and stepping away. "Unfortunately."
"Adrian, this is the last time you're ever gonna come this close to killing yourself, right?"
I shake my head, "You know I can't promise that." I wish I could, I really wish I could.
He nods, "Yes the hell you can. Coming close and doing it are totally different things." He tilts his head downwards and looks at me through his eyebrows, "Last time."
I sigh and slowly nod, staring at my feet. "Last time."
"No, not looking me in the eyes doesn't count."
I groan quietly and slowly drag my eyes to his, "Last time."
He nods, "On Alyssa's life."
"On Alyssa's life."