"Okay... lets go over this again, Emily is 14, Beckett's 13 and Sam's 3..." Freen said to Nam, having memorized their ages.
"Cai... correct!" Nam said.
Freen nodded, happy that she could remember. "And I've carried all 3 of them?"
Nam looked at Becky for a moment and immediately Becky jumped in, "You've carried Beckett and Sam."
And Nam silently noted how Becky dodged the discussion that would arise if she explicitly said that technically none of them carried Emily because that would lead to the discussion of them being apart when Becky adopted Emily, and that would inevitably lead to bringing up the lowest their relationship had ever seen.
"Later..." Becky mouthed discreetly to Nam.
Nam nodded. Freen was staring at the photograph of them that Becky had always kept in her wallet.
All three of them were silent then.
"They're beautiful children..." Freen said.
"That's because they're yours..." Becky said with a warm smile.
Freen looked up at her and smiled back. It wasn't completely there. It wasn't the smile Becky was used to. But there was happiness none the less and that was important.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you two earlier, it's just... a lot to take it." Freen said.
"That's okay na, you got over whelmed, and that's fine. It's got to be difficult." Nam said, reaching out to hold her best friend's hand.
"There's something else I have to tell you though..." Nam said, biting her lip.
Freen got serious, wondering what bomb they were about to drop next. "I swear if you tell me you got back with P'Dew after all these years I will murder you, P'Nam." Freen said.
Nam laughed heartily. "Mai cai ka... I would never, nong. But... I am engaged to someone. She's actually Becky's sister. Mind."
Freen looked at Becky, and then back at Nam.
"Okay..."
"I just thought you should know, nong. I want to bring her around tomorrow too, so you can meet her... again."
"Ka, ka, sure na..." Freen said. "Can I see my kids tomorrow too?" Freen asked carefully, now looking at Becky.
"Of course, they've been waiting to see you." Becky said.
Freen was silent.
"Your fiancé..." Freen said, looking at Nam, "my kids..." she said, turning to look at Becky, "it would upset them so much that I don't remember right?" Freen choked up a little while saying it, and Becky's heart broke for the umpteenth time that day.
"Hey hey hey, it's okay na... P'Mind understands, and the kids, I'll be talking to them before bringing them in here, they're smart and mature, and they love you so much." Becky said.
"They'll hate me, I'm their mother and I don't remember them..." Freen said, now dropping her face into her hands, so angry with herself.
"You're their Mama na ka, nothing else matters to them. Trust me, they just want to be close to you right now, that's all they want." Becky reassured.
"Sorry to interrupt na, but it's time for Khun Sarocha to get some rest, one of you can stay the night in the visitors' room..." A nurse said from the doorway.
"That would be me..." Becky announced to her, and Nam nodded.
Once the nurse left and Nam began to get up, Freen spoke, "Actually, P'Nam, can you stay the night...?"
Becky looked down at the floor, not needing any of them to see her eyes right now.
"Uhhh..." Nam looked unsure, glancing towards Becky for a moment and then back at Freen. "Ka, sure... if Becky's fine with that..?" She added.
Becky looked up at Nam now, and said, "Cai, cai ka... why not? No problem, I should get home to the kids anyway." She said, and got up from her seat beside Freen's bed.
"I'll walk you out na?" Nam said, and followed behind Becky.
Becky stopped for a moment at the doorway, but then went out quickly.
"Nong..." Nam rushed behind her in the hallway.
"No, don't say anything, it's fine na, she doesn't know me at all right now."
"She will re-learn you, she will love you again, and this time, stronger, I'm sure of it, it'll come back to her, it's you, she loves you. Your love is not something Freen's heart could forget."
"Maybe so, but her brain definitely has, and I have no one to blame for it. Phi, I'm fine, you should go be with her, reassure her that when the kids visit tomorrow, everything will go well."
"I will, and if you need any help talking to them tonight or tomorrow morning, you tell me na?"
"Ka, I'll have to talk to their principal tomorrow, to excuse them from school for the day."
"Ka."
"Thanks na ka, P'Nam, I owe you one."
"You owe me nothing, she's my best friend and my sister, and you're my sister to be. We've always been family na..." Nam said. Becky gave her a tight hug and left for the night.
When Nam went back into the room, she sat in the chair Becky was seated in earlier.
"Have I completely ruined my relationship with my wife?" Freen asked.
Nam chuckled. But then she reached out to hold Freen's hand. "You have no idea the love that woman has for you, nong." Nam told Freen.
"I honestly don't, phi." Freen said truthfully. "And I know I must be causing her a lot of pain. I feel horrible, but I don't know what else to do, she's a stranger to me right now."
"Except, she's not." Nam said. "She's loved you for years, you've loved her back for years. I've seen you two go through everything together. So dismissing her like that... that's got to hurt. But she's taking it because she understands you don't remember her."
"What was I supposed to do? Kiss her goodnight? Invite her to sleep in here with me?" Freen asked.
Nam chuckled at the memory of Becky actually doing that when Freen insisted the night Sam was scheduled to be born.
"No, of course not." Nam said sadly then, knowing that even Freen had a fair point. Nam took a deep breath then and said, "Give her a chance to take care of you. She's in pain too. She doesn't show you, and you don't see it like you used to, but I can tell. She's finding it hard to process everything that's happened but she's keeping a calm face for you. Just let her care for you like she wants to, for all you know, it might stir up some memories too na?" Nam said.
"Okay ka... I'll try, P'Nam." Freen said.
//
"Beck, Emi, come on na, it's time to go!" Becky called out from below the staircase.
Mind had carried Sam to the couch, and was helping him put on his sneakers, tying up his laces for him. Beckett was the first to come down, and Emily followed a few minutes later.
"Okay ka, sit. Before we leave, there's something I have to talk to you'll about."
Beckett looked upset, it was like he knew there was upsetting news to come. And Becky could feel his anxiety. Beckett and Emily sat down on the couch, and finally Mind sat by them, pulling Sam onto her lap.
Becky sat before them on the coffee table. "We're going over to the hospital to see Mama na... she's fully conscious and feeling much better, but there's something I have to tell you all and I want you to know, it doesn't change anything."
Emily began to look a little nervous, she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
"As I told you all that day, your Mama's head was hit multiple times in the accident. The doctors said it was a miracle she's alive and breathing..."
Emily nodded. Beckett folded his hands in front of him, showing signs of distress already. Mind wrapped her arms around Sam snuggly.
"Kids, her memories were affected. She doesn't remember a lot from this present time of her life. She remembers Khun Yaa of course, and Auntie Nam, because they were childhood friends, but the rest of her memories, well they're buried somewhere deep in her brain, and it may take her a while to dig them all out..."
The kids were silent.
"Does she remember you, Mami?" Emily asked.
Becky tried hard to not visibly show her anxiety at this question. "No, honey, she doesn't remember me yet, but she will."
"How do you know that?" Beckett asked, his voice a little shaky, it was subtle, but Becky knew her kids.
"The doctors are positive that in a case like her memories can come back when the patient falls back into daily routine. Your Mama loves me deep down in her heart, and I love her too. We'll find our rhythm again soon enough, don't you worry about us na."
"Why haven't you brought her back home yet?" Beckett asked, sounding upset and distant.
"She's still recovering, baby. The doctors still need to review her health every day at least for another few days, after that she'll be home and with us again na."
"So if Mama doesn't remember us, she won't know who we are when we meet her today, right?" Beckett said matter of factly.
At this, Sam turned to look at his elder brother, looking a little sad.
"No baby, you don't have to worry about that. Your Auntie Nam and I have told her about you three, we showed her photographs and she can't wait to meet you three. She's sad that she can't dig up all her memories of you, but if I know anything for sure, it's that deep down in her heart, she'll never lose the love she has for you three. It's all there inside her, she just can't reach it right now, and we need to be patient with her for that, she's recovering, she's had a hard recovery and it's going to be difficult for a few months. We need to love her with all we have, and that love will bring it all back, trust me na..."
Beckett nodded, seemingly okay with the answer for now.
"When you meet her today, I don't want you to be scared, or unsure, okay? She's still your Mama, past memories or not. And she'll love you just the same." Becky reassured.
//
"Hey nong... your kids are outside." Nam said to Freen when she entered the room. Freen looked up from a book she was reading, and took a deep breath.
"It's time..." Freen said, sitting up straighter in her bed.
"There's someone I want you to meet first na..." Nam said, and that's when Freen turned her attention to the other woman at the door.
Nam turned around and reached out her hand for Mind to take, and led her in. "Nong ka, this is my fiancé, Mind. She's also Becky's sister."
Mind chuckled and said, "This is weird na ka, because under normal circumstances, I'd be hugging you right now because you're my sister in law, and I'm seeing you after an accident, and it scared the shit out of all of us so much."
"Well... I can make an exception for the woman who's stolen my best friend's heart, no matter how unfamiliar it may seem to me right now." Freen said, her hands reached out hesitantly to invite Mind in for a hug.
"Thank you na ka, I know you've been looking after my children while I've been here." Freen said softly while hugging Mind.
"It's Becky and you. Those angels are just as much my own. We're family na. So you don't need to thank me."
Freen smiled warmly.
When Mind pulled away, Freen looked at Nam and said truthfully, "I can't describe to you how much I hate myself for not being able to remember everyone."
"Don't beat yourself up so much, nong, the memories will come back, we have got to believe that." Nam said.
Freen nodded.
"Becky's outside, with the kids. Should I ask her to bring them in?" Mind asked.
Freen's face ran out of colour.
"Hey hey hey, hang in there..." Nam rushed to Freen's side.
"What if they hate me?" Freen asked.
"They won't. They love you, they're your children, and they've been waiting to see you." Nam assured.
Freen looked even more nervous.
"Can I talk to Becky before I see them?" Freen asked.
"Cai! Cai! Of course." Nam sounded ecstatic.
This was the first time Freen was actually asking for Becky's presence, and it comforted Nam that she wanted Becky to reassure her that this will be fine.
//
"Becbec, the wife's asking for you." Nam said to Becky who was adjusting Sam's cap on backwards.
Becky looked up at Nam, and Nam smiled with a raised eyebrow. "She's just got butterflies..." Nam said to Becky as she walked past her hastening towards Freen's room.
"Hi..." Becky said as she walked in to find Freen putting on lip balm.
"Becky..." Freen said, as she looked up at her.
Becky's heart melted. It was in the way she said her name. Like the way she always has.
"Lip balm?" Becky teased as she carefully walked closer.
"Do I not wear lip balm? Will it be weird to them? I don't know, I just found it in my personal effects, and I probably look like a zombie and I don't want them to see me this way."
Becky was now right before her, she sat by Freen's knees and chuckled.
"Our babies have ran into our room in the wee hours of the morning and jumped into bed with us, seen us with bed hair, drool stains, and what not. So no, lip balm won't be new to them, just odd to them." Becky said with a chuckle, reaching out to Freen's beside to pick up a paper napkin and hand it over to her.
"Okay." Freen said with a chuckle as she wiped it off.
Becky carefully reached up, noticing Freen missed a spot at the corner of her lower lip, but right before she could touch Freen, she noticed Freen's body grow stiff.
Becky froze.
"I'm sorry na, you missed a spot. May I?" Becky asked quickly.
"Okay..." Freen said. And Becky carefully wiped off the little trace of lip balm with her thumb.
It was sweet, and caring, and Freen wished she could find some familiarity in the touch, but nothing, and it made her feel sad. So she could only guess that it made Becky feel sad too.
"What did you tell them?" Freen asked.
"The truth. That you don't remember much right now..." Becky said.
Freen nodded.
"But I also assured them, that deep down in your heart, all those memories you have of our family still have a special place in you, it's just taking your brain a while to reach them..." Becky told Freen.
Freen nodded.
"How horrible a mother am I?" Freen asked. "You're my wife, please be honest with me na?"
Becky wanted to scream. How could Freen think she was a horrible mother? How could she have these thoughts? She was the star mother every child in this universe needed. How could she think this one set back, this memory loss that isn't even her fault, make her a horrible mother?
"Can I hold your hands?" Becky asked.
Freen looked down at her hands for a moment, and then lifted them towards Becky carefully. Becky's heart melted. She carefully held Freen's soft hands and she felt her heart do flips.
This is her wife, her lover, her best friend for eternity. She wanted to kiss her and reassure her that no matter what, her family would love her.
"One day this week, if you'll let me, I'm going to tell you about all the innumerable sacrifices you've made for the well-being of our children, of our family, some instances even when they were still in your womb and I hope that that will assure you of how remarkable, amazing, and perfect a mother it makes you."
Freen's eyes brimmed with tears. Becky squeezed her hands softly, wanting to offer her comfort.
"Okay..." Freen replied.
"Okay?" Becky repeated in question.
"Okay." Freen replied again.
"You look gorgeous by the way, they'll love you, they always have and always will..." It took everything in Becky to not say 'I' instead of 'they'.
//
Freen ran her hand through her hair for the 50th time, hoping it looked alright, as she waited for Becky to let the kids in.
She suddenly saw a young girl peek in and disappear. It made Freen's heart flutter. There they were suddenly, 2 young teens hasting towards her, the girl looked like she could cry any moment, and Freen didn't know she was crying until the girl crawled up on the bed and was hugging her and the young boy somehow managed to wrap his arms around them too.
"Beckett and Emily..." Freen whispered.
"We're so glad you're okay, Ma..." Emily said into her clothes, and Freen allowed herself to absorb the voice, to feel it in her skin, to memorize it, to see if it triggers any memory.
"We missed you, Mama..." Beckett said.
And Freen felt her heart race, she wanted to remember them, she wanted to remember these voices, and the 14 years of their voices she's known, why couldn't she remember them.
"It's alright na, if you don't remember us now, we still love you soooo much!" Emily said.
And Freen never wanted to let them go, these 2 human beings who were radiating so much love for her. She could feel her whole body grow more at ease now that they were here, and saying these things to her. It was like her body remembered them, but her brain didn't, and she wanted to hate herself so much for it, but she couldn't right now, not when she was surrounded by their love.
That's when she reminded herself, she hadn't said anything yet and it must worry them, she should never want to put them in a state of anxiety, she's their Mama.
"I love you too, both of you... I'm sorry na... I'm so sorry I don't remember much... you have no idea how much it kills me to say that to you." She finally let them pull away and she looked into their eyes. "I want to remember you, so bad right now, you're both such lovely, soft hearted little kids!"
Emily chuckled through her tears and kissed her Mama's cheek.
"It's alright Mama, what's important is that you're here. We just want you to come home soon. Mami's been missing you, we've been missing you..." Beckett said.
And Freen smiled at him, allowed herself to run her fingers through his hair and caress his handsome little face, it seemed to bring him immense joy, cause his smile widened at the show of affection.
Freen looked towards the end of her bed then, to find Becky standing there holding her youngest.
"Samuel..." She whispered. And the little boy turned in Becky's arms and said, "Mama!" with so much excitement, Freen's heart leaped.
Becky put him down on the bed, and he crawled up into his Mama's arms. Freen brought him close to her body and hugged him, he hid his face in the crook of her neck and the warmth of his skin against Freen's overwhelmed her. She closed her eyes as she kissed the top of his hair sweetly.
"Sam..." She whispered.
"How are you, Mama?" He asked.
"I'm perfect now..." She replied.
"We'll make new memories, Ma, don't worry na?" Emily said, leaning her head on her Mama's left shoulder, while Beckett held her free hand and squeezed it, not letting it go.
Freen's heart was a mess. Her children were so loving, and so positive, and so very comforting. This has got to be the best she's felt in all these days of turmoil. They made her feel like no matter what, she would come through, and even if she didn't, they'd love her anyway. Her heart filled with love for these little humans who were hers, little hearts that she's been nurturing along with Becky for years now, and she couldn't remember any of it.
The hate for herself still lived inside somewhere, but the burden of that felt lighter for as long as her children were right here, clinging to her like she was their life-line. She'd do anything for them, she'd do anything to keep them safe and happy.
She didn't know what it was, maybe motherly instinct, because even though she remembered nothing about them in this moment, she felt an odd obligation to protect them at all costs from this day forward.
Becky felt good. Watching it all unfold before her. But she also felt disconnected. And she hated herself for feeling it. Because it was in some way, selfish. But can you blame her for wanting to be part of a family moment? Of her family's moment?
She stood there for what felt like an hour, but was actually 15 minutes of her children reuniting with their Mama, her lover, after she faced a life/death accident and came through, except without her memories of the life they shared together.
It killed Becky, because she could see it. The relationship Freen had with the kids, now that was something that could be rebuilt from scratch. They were bound by the strongest bond the world had ever know, a mother and child.
But her, she was Freen's wife. And without the memories of the years they've shared, all the break ups and make ups, all the kisses and caresses, the fights and the gifted dresses, all the shared worry and the sick days, the breakfasts in bed and the holidays, the months spent apart, the joy they brought to each other's hearts, none of that existed anymore. It was almost as if she could have might as well dreamed it all.
Because even though Freen wanted to have her memories back for her kids, she would do just fine if she couldn't bring back the memories of Becky.
So when Becky left the room, only Nam noticed.
And only Nam could hear the sobs from outside the bathroom stall down the hall where Becky broke down the loudest cry she ever had since the day she heard of Freen's accident.
And all Nam could do was wait outside, for the storm to calm down.
To be continued.