Freen sat there, trying to grasp what the doctor was telling her.
Her brain.
He was talking about her brain. HER brain. Something that belonged to her body had the ability to betray her like this. Like she had no control over it. Like it could decide one day to just... wipe out a big chunk of years from her life.
When her Mae tried explaining to her yesterday, she felt overwhelmed. It was an emotional day and her Mae insisted that she meet no one other than P'Nam and herself.
But today, today Khun Mae said she needed Freen to meet someone else, someone very important to her life. And Freen had so many questions, but she held back because the doctor came in to do his routine of questions to check if there's been any progress with her memories. But nothing.
Nothing.
Even as the doctor was still talking to her and Khun Mae standing right beside her bed, Freen could feel the tears beginning to brim at her eyes again. Nam who was standing near the door, leaning against a wall there had her eyes on her, and she too felt her pain, she seemed to wipe at her eyes and then she walked out.
"I'll come in again later this evening to check on you, Khun Sarocha Arms..."
"Chankimha." Khun Mae interjected. "Sarocha Chankimha. "
"Of course na kub." The doctor said then, smiled and walked out.
Once the doctor had stepped out, Khun Mae turned to face Freen and gave her a kiss on the forehead and said, "Don't beat yourself up luk, your brain will heal itself, in time. We just need to give it time..."
Freen wiped at a stray tear that rolled down her cheeks and nodded. She understood. She'd get her memories back, she believed that.
"Mae, she's here..." came Nam's voice from the door.
Freen looked over to see the woman from the earlier day walk in with Nam.
"Becky, can you wait until I give her a little context..."
"I've done my share of waiting. Mae, please, just let me talk to her..." Becky said more firmly, desperately, a sob threating to make its way out from her throat.
Worry etched into Freen's features, who was this woman, why was she talking that way with Mae? How did P'Nam know her?
"She is my daughter, I will decide when she's ready to.." Khun Mae said more firmly.
"She is my wi..."
"Mae ka, please na? Just let them talk, Becky's been away from her for too long." Nam interrupted.
Khun Mae sighed, then looked back at Freen, "Nam and I are going to be right outside, you need anything, you just call, na?"
"Wait, Mae, who is she?" Freen looked worried, unsure as she whispered in a state of panic to her Mae.
"She'll tell you. But you should know that I trust her, Nam trusts her, and most importantly, you trust her."
"Mae...?"
"It's okay, you'll be okay na..." Khun Mae re-assured. Khun Mae moved towards the door, and squeezed Becky's arm in comfort before leaving and closing the door behind her.
Once she heard the door close, Becky took a careful step forward, and she noticed Freen sit up straighter.
"Hi..." Becky said carefully.
"Hello." Freen said. And Becky saw the uncertainty.
The unfamiliarity. It hurt. It hurts so much. Freen was gazing upon her like she was a stranger. Like they didn't know each other inside and out.
"It's true then, you don't remember me..." Becky said carefully, taking another step forward.
"I'm sorry... I don't know..." Freen stumbled on her words.
"Becky... I'm Becky. Does that... does that bring anything back?" Becky asked carefully.
Freen tried. She really tried, she visibly tried. But nothing. "I'm sorry na..."
"No, no, don't apologize, just... think..." Becky was desperate for her to remember.
"I'm trying, I really am." Freen said exasperated.
Becky knees grew weak. This was happening, this was really happening. What she really wanted to do right now was run out to the streets and scream her lungs out.
What she actually did was take another careful step forward, she was now at the foot of the bed.
"Can I hold your hand?" Becky asked.
"Who are you, Becky?" Freen asked, and the pain in Becky's heart only increased.
"Freen..."
It was a pained, strangled cry. Saying her name like that, she was losing herself.
"Freen ka, I'm your wife..." She said it. Out loud. And then looked up to find Freen frozen. Silenced.
Becky took another step forward, and Freen shifted away.
"Don't. Wait." Freen said hurriedly. She took a deep breath and exhaled. "I have a wife..." Freen said more to herself than anyone else.
Becky nodded. "How long do we know each other?"
"Since school..." Becky replied.
"That can't be right. That doesn't make any sense. I remember P'Nam. I don't know who you are..."
"Freen, that's why I think you'll remember me, maybe you just need some help remembering, we'll talk na? I'll help you remember, I can tell you about us, about our dates, our wedding..." Becky sounded desperate.
"I... I need to talk to P'Nam." Freen blurted out. Stopping Becky mid-sentence.
"P'Nam. Okay. Ka, I'll call her in." Becky finally said. Giving up. Realizing that this was it. Freen didn't know who she was.
"Alone. Please?" Freen asked carefully.
Becky looked down at her feet. "Ka, of course. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come on too strong. I understand this must be tough for you."
"As it must be for you too." Freen only thought of it as she said it out loud, and her own eyes turned sad for Becky.
Becky nodded once, awkwardly, and back up a little and then walked out of the room in a haste.
When Becky stepped out, she was breathing hard, Nam quickly stood up and enveloped her in a hug.
"She doesn't know me..." Becky said. Becky repeated. Until the words became sobs and then full blown cries in agony.
"Nong, we have to be patient. She'll remember, I know she will."
"Phi, you should go inside. She wants to talk to you." Becky finally said, pulling out of Nam's embrace, but not making eye contact.
"Ka..." Nam said, as she made sure Becky was seated, and had a glass of water in her hand and then she entered in to Freen's room.
//
"I don't believe this, phi..."
"Freen, it's true. You two are married. You've been living together so long now."
Freen closed her eyes and leaned back. Trying so hard to find something, anything, any memory with the woman's face in it.
"God!" Freen said, frustrated with herself. "I'm married and I can't even remember my own wife!" Freen buried her face in her palms.
Nam laid a hand on her shoulder in comfort, not knowing how they were going to tell her about Emily, Beckett and Samuel.
"She must hate me..." Freen finally said, beginning to finally see now how this must affect someone who loved her enough to have married her.
She heard Nam chuckle.
"Becky can never hate you, nong."
Freen looked up at her with a sad look. "I don't know her at all, phi, what am I going to do?"
"Hey, hang in there okay. I know Becky. She's a little broken right now, and still in a bit of a shock, but I also remember the day you two tied the knot, and the vows you made to one another. If there's anyone who's going to help you get through this, it's her. And I know it's going to take you a while to get used to her being around you, but trust me, I've never seen a love as fierce as the one you two share... so let her in?"
Freen thought long and hard about this. And then finally, she looked up at Nam and said,
"Can you call her back in here? And don't go anywhere, please, juts stay in the room with us, I'm so afraid..."
"Of course na."
//
Becky felt numb. Like her whole world had collapsed around her and she had nowhere to go, nothing to say, no one to know what she was feeling in this moment. She closed her eyes.
She felt a hand on her shoulder.
"If there's anyone who can help her through this, it's you, Becky." Khun Mae said.
It opened the floodgates. Becky began to cry again. "I know, I should be grateful she's alive, I could have lost her, we could have lost her Mae, but she's here, alive and breathing, and I'm selfishly crying here because she doesn't remember me..."
"You're not selfish to feel that way, Becky. You two have a special bond, and you have every right to feel like you've lost out..."
"She doesn't know who I am, Mae."
"She will learn. She will learn you all over again, it will take time, and it will be difficult, and there'll be more bad days than good days but..."
"But she will be worth it." Becky completed
Khun Mae squeezed her shoulder. "She's a fighter, even you know that. She's going to want to try everything she can to get her memories back, but she's going to need someone who believes in her, at her side at all times."
"I won't let her do it alone, Mae..."
"I know..."
"Nong... she wants to see you na." Nam peeked out the door.
//
Becky stood in the doorway this time, waiting.
"You can come in, Becky." Freen said from her bed, a look of apprehension, still in her eyes.
Becky folded her arms in front of her and took a few steps in, P'Nam was seated right next to Freen on her bed.
"I'm really sorry about earlier, this is very overwhelming for me and for you of course. How are you feeling?"
"Lost... unsure... scared..." Freen replied, honestly. The truth of her own feelings, hitting her hard, and bringing a bout of tears to her eyes.
It was enough to get Becky flying to her side, and even before Freen could react, Becky took her hand in hers. "Hey...that's okay na... lost, unsure, scared, it's all okay for where you are right now. I just want you to know that you've got people who love you unconditionally, and who'll be here no matter what."
Freen nodded, her eyes focused on the way Becky's thumb kept rubbing soothing circles on her skin.
The touch was supposed to be familiar right?
But it wasn't. And that ate at Freen's brain.
When Becky tuned in on what Freen was staring at, she quickly pulled her hand away, scared she made Freen uncomfortable again.
"I'm sorry na, force of habit." She explained, and looked down at her own hands now, awkward again.
"Did I like it?" Freen asked suddenly.
"Huh?" Becky mumbled.
"What you were just doing, did I always like that?" Freen asked, referring to Becky's little force of habit.
Becky looked into her eyes now, her favourite beautiful eyes looking into her own and she said, "Cai... you did."
Freen nodded then and looked to Nam.
"She's pretty, na? Like a barbie." Nam said to Freen with a smirk.
And it brought a smile to Freen's face. She had to face it, the woman was very pretty. She got the most pretty girl. She married her. Marriage. She must be something.
Freen then looked at Becky and felt she needed to ask, "How are you feeling?"
Becky took a deep breath and decided to be honest with her wife at this moment. "Lost, unsure, scared..." she paused. "But also confident... confident in the love we shared..."
Now it was Freen's turn to look away, she looked down at the sheets covering her hips and legs. Nam saw the tear fall, she reached around to put an arm around her shoulders.
"Hey hey, it's okay..." Nam comforted her.
Becky hated that she said something wrong, she was hurting her more than comforting her.
"What if I never remember you again, Becky?" Freen asked, looking at her again.
Becky took a moment to think it through. She then spoke confidently, "On our wedding day, I vowed to you, that your happiness, well-being and peace of mind would be my priority from that day on, I'm going to live that promise out, Freen. Memories or not, I will make sure you're happy, no matter what you begin to remember or not."
Freen had tears rolling down her cheeks, she smiled softly at Becky and whispered a, "Thank you..." and Becky nodded with a smile.
"Told you, you hit a jack pot with this one." Nam said with a smirk and it made Freen and Becky chuckle.
//
Freen had fallen asleep a little while after their little conversation, and Becky decided the afternoon was the perfect opportunity to head back home and pick up a few of Freen's comfortable t-shirts, she hated the clothes she had to wear that were provided by the hospital.
Becky had so many things going on in her head while she was driving back, she didn't know how and when to deal with the thoughts running through her head.
If Freen didn't remember her at all, then doesn't that mean she has no trace of love for her right now? She doesn't know of anything they've been through together. Becky could hope all she wanted, but she had to come to terms with the fact that Freen may never remember their life together so far, she had to come to terms with the fact that Freen may never fall in love with her all over again.
But even as she thought these thoughts, she knew now was not the time to fall down that path. Now, she had to put all her energy into making sure Freen was going to be okay that slowly and gradually, she would get a hang of what her life is right now, and maybe, just maybe, falling back into routine might bring her memories back. Right?
Becky's thoughts were interrupted when she saw her phone ringing with Nam's name as the caller ID.
"Hey, phi... I'm just 15 minutes away from the hospital, be right there."
"Good. Because the nurse was helping with a sponge bath, and Freen's attention was brought to the scars of her stitches from giving birth to Sam. And the faint stitches from Fin's time!"
"Shit!"
"Just get here soon okay, as much as we want to tell her, I think you need to be here."
"I'll be right there!"
//
"Is this some kind of joke??!" Freen cried out loud, seated in her bed, face buried in her palms.
"Nong..." Nam tried.
"I have a child! I am a mother!"
"Listen to me... you have to calm down na..."
"NO! You don't get it! I don't know them. I don't remember having them. I don't know their names, I don't know what they look like, do they look like me? Which mother doesn't know her own children, phi!?!"
Nam sat there by her legs and placed a hand on her knee, she didn't know what to say to comfort her, Becky needed to get here soon.
"I'm here!" Becky panted as she rushed into the room.
"You!!" Freen reacted as soon as she saw Becky. "You didn't say a thing! Why didn't you just tell me?! What else are you keeping from me?!!"
"I'm not keeping anything from you, Freen..."
"Like hell you are, we have children! Two children. And you said nothing to me!!"
"Three... we have three children." Becky said, pulling a chair up, to sit right next to Freen and Nam.
Nam and Becky watched as Freen broke down, crying bitterly behind shut eyes. The agony she felt was just too much for Becky to just sit there and do nothing about. So she stood up, got closer, and reached for Freen's face, to caress it, to offer some comfort.
"Don't touch me!!" Freen yelled. It shocked both Nam and Becky. "Just go. Go away. Leave me alone, please...." She cried desperately.
"I'm not going anywhere, nong..." Nam said.
"Neither am I." Becky said.
"You want to know about your children? Let us tell you about them."
"I'm begging you P'Nam, I need a moment to myself, please..." Freen pleaded, desperately.
A nurse entered and was watching the exchange, they were sure seeing Freen's state, they would be sent out to let her rest anyway.
Becky stood up, and then Nam stood up too.
"We'll be just outside na..." Becky said, and began to walk out. Nam hesitated, but then followed.
Once Becky was out, Nam turned around and said, "Emily, Beckett and Samuel. Their names? Emily, Beckett and Sam."
"Thank you, P'Nam... " Freen whispered between sobs, leaned her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.
//
"She won't recognise your touch, nong, not yet..." Nam said to Becky sitting beside her.
Becky chuckled sadly. "I know..."
"That 'don't touch me' was misdirected anger..." Nam explained.
"No phi, she's right to be angry. And we know it's not anyone's fault. Every emotions going to be heightened for her for the next few months. Everything's going to be new information to her. And here I am, honestly, still holding on to the thought that she's alive, and breathing. Nothing else matters to me right now. The memories, we can work those out, the kids, we can work that out too, but right now, in this moment, all I'm thinking about is that I could have lost her, I could have lost the love of my life, but I didn't. She's here. The only difference is, I'm the one lost from her memory. And so everything linked with me, is also a blank spot. Our children, our home, our history, our wedding, all of it."
"Do you think she'll get mad when I tell her I have a girlfriend?" Nam asked.
Becky chuckled genuinely now.
"Let's talk to her tonight, nong... about the kids, if she's up for it. And maybe, if she's okay with it, we should bring them over tomorrow or day after."
Becky nodded.
"I'll have to talk to them before bringing them here, nong. This is going to be hard on them too."
"I can only imagine..."
"Hey nong, are you going to be okay?" Nam asked, her voice laced with genuine concern.
"As okay as you can be when your wife doesn't know who you are." Becky said with a sad smile.
Nam leaned her head on Becky's shoulder and said, "I'm sorry na, this must be so hard on your right now."
"As it must be for you too, P'Nam."
"I'm not the one who's spent nights worshiping her body, nong..." Nam said with a smile.
Becky chuckled at first, but sadly, any mirth from beautiful memories kept turning into tears on a day like today.
To be continued.
Freen will meet the kids soon. It will be okay. Sorry for any mistakes, thanks for reading! ❤️