I held Caleb in my arms Lexi Rose was having a day as I refer to it. Every so often since the accident she would go quiet and refuse her prosthetic. She bounce between missing her twin and miss her leg. I felt like I hadn't seen Jay in days.
Jay came home confused when the house was so silent. He walked around looking for well anyone. He came across his son Luis and MillieFlorence in her room. "Hey moon where's your mum" "don't know" she shrugged he knew Lexi Rose was with Daniel at hanks. He calls Kelly "everything ok" "hey Lilah isn't there is she" "nope why" "no no she's just not home and you have Vinny for a few days and she can't drive yet" "Caleb there" "no just Millie Luis" "maybe call Adam he might have picked them up it's his kid" Kelly suggested Jay knew that was a loose end Adam left the same time as he did. Adam hadn't left all day either.
"Ruz you know where Caleb is" "with Lilah why" "I don't know where sue is" "you called" "Severide yes he hasn't seen or heard from her Alvin was out so he will message me if she's spoken to him" jay knew he pushed her away. His guilt was suffocating him bringing memories and feelings he thought he got over. He knew she was guilty about Caleb and what happened there. He didn't realise any of it till now. He didn't realise how much he needed and loved her till now. "You're telling me you drove her away and now we don't" Adam was freaking out. He knew Delilah wouldn't do anything to Caleb. It was more he didn't know where they were what happened. "We have to tell Voight" Adam said after a moment
"I feel like I should call" "you're not calling anyone April" Luke snapped glaring at the girl.
"Mum took Justies stuff" Alvin told Kelly who walked through the apartment "are papa Jay and mum divorcing" he looked at Stella who didn't know how to answer it. "I don't know" she said "she took Caleb Moons at home and Lexi is with grandpa" he told her "so what are our opinions on Luis I say we kill him" Alvin said smirking him "uh I don't think killing him" "we aren't killing him" Kelly said rolling his eyes "are you seeing mum can I come" "your staying here with Stella Jay already told me you attempted to punch Luis so don't just don't go see him" "but papa Jay and moon" "Alvin stay here Jay has a lot going on moon knows where you are so if she wants to see you she'll come also you both have phones behave" "dad" he yells as Kelly walks more like runs down the steps to his car. "So we are here what do you want to do uhh" Alvin said awkwardly looking around "well I have to go grab a few things from the shops" Alvin groans "your dad told me not to leave you alone" "it was Justin not me" Alvin snapped startling Stella she always knew Kelly had a kid and loved Alvin. She thinks it's just because of how effortless it comes to Jay she doubted herself. Alvin loved Stella he did despite everything, he just knew he could push her. He couldn't push anyone else like he could Stella. He knew he was rude and sometimes it made him feel bad. It started as a result of her taking his dad 'away' from him and kinda just escalated when Stella didn't do anything, so he just kept going.
Kelly had been gone hours and honestly both Alvin and Stella were growing bored. "So I'm going to go see papa if you want to join" "what no" Alvin snorted she couldn't stop him. "It's important" he shrugs getting up and getting his things. He knew how to get to his mothers rather quickly.
He walked in like he owned the house. "Papa Jay" "thought you gave up on the papa when everything started to go down hill" Jay knew how to put him in place. Jay had known the kid since he was a baby of course he had no problem parenting him. "Aren't you meant to be at your dads" he questioned "think dad is going to find mum and well I left" Jay choked on his whisky "you just left does Stella know" "I told her" "what did she say" "no" "it's one Alvin you can't be walking the streets especially if Stella says no" Alvin rolls his eyes "I'll message them both go to bed" "but I'm not tired" Alvin pouts only to be given a stern look he knew not to argue with and goes.
Alvin was walking towards his bedroom when he walks right into Luis. Luis didn't get to say anything before Alvin punched him "you ruined everything" he spat stepping over him he was jogging upstairs by time Jay entered. "Alvin" he snapped sighing helping Luis glaring at Alvin as he stood next to MillieFlorence. "It's Vinny you know this" "you know you don't punch or hit in this house" "it's my mothers house and from the looks of it you guys are ending" Alvin snapped safe to say both Jay and Kelly taught him how to clap back.
I held Caleb close crying. My heart ached I just wanted to go back to the happy times. My life suffocated me now. Not my children never my children. His bright blue big eyes looking around the room making me think of his dad. His dad who had always been there for me. I wished I could go back. Maybe my marriage wouldn't be a question. I wondered if we were damaged beyond repair which made me cry more.
"How is she" Kelly asked looking at Luke and April. The two share a look "broken" "her kid just died do we think she's going to be ok" Luke added glancing towards the room. "I don't think she could grieve because of what's going on with Jay" April mused Kelly glanced at his phone to see Jay messaged letting him know Alvin was there. "I think I might bring benji" "what" Luke said "his not doing good with it all and I think he might help her she'd help him" "are you sure Jay could follow you" "he won't also Benji apparently punched Luis for ruining the family so who knows they may bond over it...I need to go get him seeing Jay help Luis instead of going after him probably made it worse" Kelly said before walking out the door. "Will Adam tell anyone" Luke calls "if his swore to secrecy no" Kelly said as he left making Luke look at April. "Are you sure" "the guys probably freaking out that she took his kid...his probably scared he'll never see his boy again" "she never told him" April said unsure what to do.
"You can call him use my phone he deserves to see Caleb" I said walking out "are you sure" "yeah his always been a good voice of reason" "but your husband" Luke began "I don't even know if said husband even realises yet" I said sadly rocking my happy blue eyed baby.
An hour later Adam walks in sighing when he sees Caleb. I walk over passing him Caleb "I knew you wouldn't hurt him or anything but not knowing drive me insane" he mused smirking at me "how's" "Lexi is at your dads refusing to go home Millie is at home but starting to resent Jay...he knows his the one who called me" I instantly felt guilty "hey don't do that he has been treating you like shit Alvin hasn't been doing ok and Jay is trying desperately to make Luis comfortable which is alienating all his other children" I sigh I go to speak but see a familiar old style car pull up. I don't get to say anything before Alvin is in my arms "I punched Luis" he proudly said into me I just held him tightly as Kelly slowly walks over. "Papa Jay realises what's happening and is panicking oh and Moon is getting Bs" he summarised MillieFlorence was a nerd brain she never got anything below A's. She's the one kid I didn't have to care about her grades. I just held him tighter "papa Jay hates me" I couldn't say anything because I didn't know. He hit jays biological kid I don't want to imagine Jay would prioritise Luis over Alvin who he had helped raise but I don't know. I had never been apart from my kids, I knew Jay was trying to make up for lost time. "Are you getting a divorce if so can papa Jay move out" "your mum owns the house of course he will go" Adam interjected "we're not getting one yet Vinny" "he called me Alvin" Alvin said making me sigh. "Stay with your dad and Adam" I told Alvin who instantly shakes his head wanting to come. "I'm going to check on moon I'll be back who knows maybe we'll be back home" I said kissing his head.
I walk into the house frowning when I see Luis. Sending him a smile before going and finding my eldest child. "Moon" "mum" she said wide eyes staring at me "hey princess how are you heard your grades slipping" she nods sadly "hey B's are brilliant I'm just asking because I'm worried" I said sitting beside her my arm around her shoulder "I want you and dad to be ok" "so do I but I don't want you to worry about our adult problems" "how can I not when Vinny is blaming Luis and Jay for you leaving is that true" "no god no it's a contributing factor yes but it's not why I left because my heart was so broken that I needed a moment to catch my breath I was scared I wouldn't be a good mother" "never mum you are better than a good mother and always will be you know I was jealous of Caleb and Aniyah then Lexi but I slowly realised that they need you more than me and I'm ok with that" she said smiling "I'm proud of you my moon but if you ever and I mean ever start to feel like that or feel that I haven't been spending time with you you say something Caleb and Niyah are still extremely young so I can get caught up in them because they need more...as for Lexi I was worried because she was Justin's twins but your my first princess my bright moon I never want you to loose your twinkle so say something even if you just want to water the plants or I could shuffle stuff and we can spend a whole night together" I told her kissing her head "dads doting on Niyah and Luis" "I know" "I feel forgotten" "I could never forget you even when I leave you know the first question I asked Adam and Kelly when they came how you and your siblings were" she smiles "you can call me on your phone and I'll always answer even if I'm having one of my...spells" I couldn't find the right words to explain all of my 'problems'. Her and Alvin knew most of it, Lexi Rose knew a simple version of it. They all knew I would never officially leave them. They know it's mental illness and I'm on medication for it, also seeing Dr Charles. I didn't know what Jay was telling Aniyah and that terrified me. I wanted to see her desperately I just didn't want to see him. Not yet anyways. "What are the voices saying" I sigh not wanting to answer really but knowing I should. I just had to simplify it. "A lot of memories that led us to living in New York, a lot of doubt and questions...I don't think I can be the brilliant mother" I hesitantly begin "mum you can you never waver on being a brilliant mother" she assured it was something I had heard a million times never from them though.
"Mummy" Aniyah squealed jumping into my arms startling me. If she's here, his here. I pick her up loving on her smiling "are you back I miss you so much" "I miss you to" I said kissing her everywhere I walk out of the room seeing Jay walking down the hall towards us. He instantly stopped seeing me. "Dede" he whispered I could see tears building in his eyes but he refused to let them fall. "I haven't seen Vinny in forever you see Vinny Mumma I miss him" "how about you go find stuff you want to show or play with him" I said setting her on the floor watching MillieFlorence grab her hand and walk towards Aniyahs room.
"Hi" I said walking closer "are you ok I didn't want to" "I know it was" I couldn't find the right words "you were never around Justin was gone Luis was here it was like lava building in a volcano and I was terrified I was going to explode here" "Dede" he said making me sigh "I couldn't grieve because the kids memories of how Luis came to be" I could see the guilt "I don't want a divorce Jay" he shakes his head telling me he doesn't either "I want this to work I know you hate me for what went on with Adam even if neither one of us remember the same way I hate you for what went on with Camilla more now that I know a baby was conceived but I love you more and somehow got past it" I begin "I know you aren't here because of Caleb and Justin" I wanted to take his guilt so desperately "can you work through it can you be apart of this family again because I can't do everything living in this unknown" he sighs rubbing his face "I love you your my handsome detective I wouldn't have fought my dad so hard if I didn't" "time apart alway did us good" "Jay I have a sick feeling that if we do that we will never get back together" "same" he said "back to the beginning" he suggested making me smile I watch him cautiously grab my hand "we have seven kids I don't think we can" Jay smiles I can just tell he caught how I added Justin and Luis into it despite everything. "I will learn to accept Luis" I begin "you already do I'll tell him to be more receptive or something..it's me I know you didn't do anything I'll learn to be around Caleb I mean I love Vinny" "he told me you called him Alvin" "after he punched Luis" "that makes sense" I muse "I'll deal with Alvin" "no we will and we will go on dates again" "we have seven kids now you really think we have time for that" "your dad loves having them over Adam will love having Caleb and most of them are old enough to be on their own" he summarised making me roll my eyes I knew MillieFlorence could be trusted alone I just didn't want her to feel responsible for all her younger siblings. Granted we would never leave Aniyah and Caleb with her. Just Lexi, Alvin and Luis even that I wasn't confident with. She would take charge and that would be too much pressure in my opinion. Even if she could handle it. Lexi rose was the only one really and that's because of her recent amputation all the others are self functioning. Lexi Rose was self functioning as well as I put it, she is however learning to move efficiently like the stairs. It might however be more of my protectiveness than her capabilities. I was just worried for her. "Ok we'll go on a date will" I begin "I'll plan everything let me make this right you worked hard and made me feel crazy for doubting you...you fixed it after Caleb now let me fix the mess I created" I slowly nod "will you be coming home or" I question "think that question is more for you your not here" he joked making me roll my eyes "I'll come home relax will you stay" "yeah" "we don't have to share a bed I mean we have a guest room....you use to complain the house was to big for us now look" I muse he just smiles slowly walking over. He hesitantly kissed my head. "I'll might it all perfect you deserve the world" he whispers in my ear before walking down the steps. Maybe everything would be alright. Maybe it would be ok. Or was it too much. Was I wishing for something that was over. Was I yearning for it because I love him so deeply. Was our love strong enough.