(TW!! Mentions of abuse and suicide!!)
When I open my eyes, I'm in the woods.
It's a sunny day, I can feel the soft breeze, and the whispers of the trees from each gust of wind. Though the breeze isn't uncomfortable, it's almost comforting.
I can't hear any birds, I don't see any Walkers, and I can't feel my stab wound.
That's weird.
Leaves and sticks crunch under me as I slowly trek through the woods, constantly looking over my shoulder for something to jump out at me.
I look at my hands, they're still covered in dried and cracking blood, no doubt my neck too as that's where most of the blood went. Down my collarbone, dripping slowly into my bra until it dried.
When I look at my stab wound, I can see it's still there, though it's not bleeding, it's not hurting, it's just...there. My shirt is still wrapped tightly around it, stopping the non-existent bleeding.
I make a noise from deep in my throat, checking to see if I can even make noise.
I can, the monotone "hm" rumbles in my throat.
Good sign...I think.
I don't want to do the dumbass "hello" that every character does in every movie. But I don't feel alone, though, it's not an uncomfortable feeling of being watched.
It's almost like a watching-over type thing.
I feel inside my pockets for something, anything. A battery, a cigarette, something. Right now, I don't feel real, I don't feel...there.
What's the last thing you remember?
I close my eyes and inhale deeply through my nose, trying to envision the last thing I remember.
I begin to see little specks of what looks like bombs, flying over a small town- Alexandria, exploding houses. Cato and I flew backward.
Everything goes black again until I see myself on top of Nick, his face bloody, bruised, and swollen. Something cold dug into my stomach.
Black.
I watch as my fingers dig into his throat, ripping it open. Then my hand reached inside his throat and ripped the inside out, feeling hot blood splatter over me, coating me.
Black again.
I'm in the sewers, lying on the cold metal, rippled ground as a few people surround me, Damien, Cato, Rosita.
I said something, but I can't remember what.
Black.
We're outside again, Damien bridal-style carrying me. Where are we going? I don't remember.
Alyssa is saying something but her voice is muffled, like I'm underwater.
Then, nothing.
And nothing after that.
That's the last thing I saw before...did I die? Where the fuck am I? There's no way I'm dead, I can't be.
I place my hand on my heart, hearing but not feeling my breathing pick up the pace. I can't feel a heartbeat.
The world spins around me as I spin, trying to figure out if I recognize these woods but I don't. Not the patterns of forest-green moss hugging the trees. Not the small boulders resting comfortably in the soft mud.
Nothing.
How do I feel about this? I can't tell.
Yes, I've wanted to die since I was seventeen years old. But Alyssa just lost her boyfriend- that's why we were in the sewers!
I don't want to do that to Alyssa. But also...I'm dead.
I gasp quietly when I feel a hand on my shoulder.
My body whirrles around and I'm standing face-to-face in front of my dad. Shane Walsh.
"Dad?" I croak, my words coming out almost soundlessly.
He smiles, "Hey, Adri."
I gasp and hug him, his warm, strong arms wrapping around my ribcage.
"Oh my god," I exhale, not breaking the hug.
I haven't seen my dad since the farm, and it hurts but his death has gotten so buried in a bunch of other shit that I sometimes forget about it.
My dad chuckles, "Damn, sometimes I feel like you didn't even miss me."
We break the hug and I look him up and down, fully taking him in.
He looks the exact same from the last time I saw him. Short, curly brown hair, no wrinkles, and tan skin. He's wearing a dark, navy blue jacket, light blue shirt, and tan cargo pants. Though he's not clean, his clothes are stained with blood.
I whimper at the sight, "Dad..."
"What, Adri? Thought you hated me." His voice is teasing though I can tell by a slight undertone he actually thought this.
I cover my mouth and stare into his eyes, my eyes wide. "No..." I whisper, shaking my head. "No, I never hated you."
"You stopped referring to me as 'dad'."
I bite the inside of my cheek, "I was pissed at you but...that doesn't mean I stopped loving you. You're my dad."
"That he is." A woman's voice comes from behind him.
When I look, I see my mom stepping out from some sort of mist.
Her long, pin-straight blonde hair that Alyssa inherited, her green eyes, and freckles dotting her whole body. It's weird seeing her with her natural color, she normally dyed her hair every few months. A different color each time, though nothing not natural, unless white or grey.
She has her nose piercing and her usual diamond earrings in.
She's wearing her favorite white sweater, a black Nirvana shirt, grey sweatpants, and green converses, her favorite color.
"Mom," I whisper, running to her and hugging her. "Holy shit, mom." I cry out, inhaling her scent of Jergens lotion.
She smiles, resting her head on my shoulder, "Hi, love."
I break the hug and stare at her, fully trying to comprehend what I'm seeing.
She smiles at the sight of me, "I didn't think you would turn out as good as you did after Nick. Thought maybe one of those suicide attempts would work."
I whimper, allowing a tear to trickle down my cheek. "Oh, momma."
She smiles a close-mouthed smile and wipes my tear, my dad coming and standing next to her. "You grew up to be exactly like me." She says. "A smartass and stubborn as hell. Don't think I've ever seen you listen to a single person since I've been dead."
I scoff tearfully and shake my head, "Then they think they can tell me what to do."
She chuckles and nods, "And good lord if someone thinks they can tell my daughter what to do." She gasps sarcastically.
I smile a down-turned smile, "The Tara Lynn Walsh way."
She nods, "The Tara Lynn Walsh way."
"Wh...what are y'all doin' here?" I ask, looking between my dad and mom.
"Waitin' for you to make a decision." My dad responds.
I raise an eyebrow, "Decision?"
He nods, "A decision. Whether you want to go back with Alyssa or stay up here with us."
My eyes widen, "Wait...am I dead?"
Both of them nod, "Yeah," My mom is the first to reply. "But, you can make it back in time if you make a decision before sundown."
"How do I know how much time I have left?"
She nods up to the sky, "It'll feel like four hours for you, though it's not very long back where Alyssa is. Should be enough time to decide."
My chin quivers, "Have you...seen everything I've done while up here?"
She closes her eyes and nods, "Everything... within decency of course."
I scoff. I forgot how unserious my mom could be.
"So every...felony, murder, torture...?"
She nods, "Everything. But it never once changed my views on you because you know what else I saw?" She leans in. "Nick." She whispers.
I feel goosebumps rise on my skin hearing his name.
"I saw how he treated you, twisted your mind."
I nod, "He was damn good at it."
My mom sighs and tilts her head, "You haven't been the same since him. You used to love running around, dressed up in my clothes. Reading from joke books and cracking up at your own 'knock knock' jokes. Called me 'mama-llama' and would yell for me like 'Ohhh mother!' In this joking sing-song voice. You would beg me to sit and watch TV with you. Then after I died, after Nick. You distanced yourself from your father, Alyssa. And you know, if I was down there, I would have made him eat his own shit for doing that to you."
I scoff and wipe under my eye, "Yeah, he, uh, he had a way with words...and his fists."
My mom pulls me in for another hug.
It feels so nice to have a mom hug again. Yes, I hugged family members after she died, yes, I've hugged people in this group but...those are just hugs. Not a mom hug. And I've been yearning for a mom hug ever since she died.
"You may not know it, but you know how Alyssa is right now? Happy-go-lucky, making jokes to break up tension?"
I nod, "Yeah, my favorite things about her."
She nods, "That's exactly how you were before Nick. Before my death."
I raise my eyebrows, "Really?"
My mom nods, "Hell yeah."
My dad nods as well, "After her death, you faltered a little bit, we all could tell. But in front of everyone else, you were still smilin', crackin' jokes, and never shutting up."
I scoff, "I can't even see myself like that anymore."
He nods, "It was buried. Underneath Adrian. Adri morphed into Alyssa. You raised her like that when she was a toddler."
"I made Alyssa like that? Like...always somehow having some weird-ass supernatural glow around her?"
My dad chuckles and nods, "That was all you. You never left her side until Nick. Never."
I sigh and chew my cheek, "And then I switched."
They both nod, "Yes, but the way you are now has its benefits." My mom says.
I look at her, "How the fuck does the way I act now have benefits?"
My mom smiles, "Before Nick, if Alyssa was in trouble, there's no way you would have killed for her. Even in this. But after Nick, nobody even looks at Alyssa the wrong way because they know you'll wring every single droplet of blood out of their body single-handedly."
I chuckle, "That I would."
"You are so self-conscious about how you act now, that you don't even realize the good impact you've had on others, Adri." My mom's eyes stare at me softly, full of love.
I sigh shakily, trying to refrain from curling into a ball and sobbing.
"I'm not a good person, mom-"
"Don't. Don't even. You are. All of the 'bad' things you've done have been because Nick influenced your mind or for a good cause."
I cough at my mom's words, "Bank robbery." I mention.
She rolls her eyes, "That was Nick too...subconsciously. You were scared he'd be mad at you if you didn't do it." I open my mouth to say something but she holds her hand up, "Don't. You trying to make it seem like you're a bad person. Why?"
I close my mouth and stare at my mom, then my dad, then my mom again. "It's hard for me to believe I have any reason to still be alive. So I force myself to believe that I don't deserve it to justify my suicide attempts."
My mom nods, "That you do."
My dad speaks up, "Adrian. You do not deserve anything you have gone through. You chose not to believe it, but it's true. All of it."
I look at the rocky ground under our feet, "I wish I could say I believe you."
"You're not going to...not right now. But you will. Eventually, you will." My dad says.
I look at the blood stains on my dad's pants and he notices. "I screwed up, Adrian. I let the apocalypse get to my head. Ruined everyone's lives." He closes his eyes and shakes his head, "If I could take it back, I would."
Just then, I see my mom look behind me. "Adrian," She says, guiding my face back to hers before I look behind me. "I love you. So much. I love Alyssa just as much. You have done an amazing job and will continue doing an amazing job."
My dad nods, "I can't wait to be able to see everything you do and accomplish. You may not see it, but you are the most powerful woman I have ever seen and met in my life and death." He nods behind me, "We have to go."
"I love you." My mom says, noticing my tears.
"I love you." My dad agrees.
"I love you." I cry, hugging both of them tightly. Just as I open my eyes, almost like a movie, they're gone.
I spin on my heel and see Abraham standing about fifteen feet away from me.
"Abraham!" I yell, running to him. I jump up and wrap my arms and legs around him, squeezing as tight as I can.
He doesn't even stumble to catch me, he just effortlessly holds me as we hug. "Damn, Adrian. That face and eye scar looks so fuckin' badass. Anyone should be shakin' in their tighty-whiteys when thinkin' about fuckin' with you."
I scoff tearfully, "Abraham, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I-I turned my back on you. I turned my back on Glenn and chose Negan's side through it all." I break the hug and stand again, admiring Abraham's soft, ginger features.
"Abraham, I love you so much. Oh my fuck, Abraham, I love you so much." I sob, hugging him again.
He chuckles and hugs me back, "I know Adrian, I know. And you do not have to apologize for the shit Nick and Negan made you think. All of the Saviors."
I shake my head, "It wasn't him-"
"Yes, it was. I know you would never turn your back on me like that without some other dickweed's interference." He cups my face and stares deeply into my eyes. "You're Adrian fuckin' Walsh. The bitch who trusted me enough to be high alone with me."
I smile a close-mouth smile, my body overcome with grief while seeing Abraham again. While seeing my will to live.
My lip quivers, "You got me. You got Damien. I can't even..." I inhale a shaky breath. "I'm not good with feelings but...Abraham, you were my everything. You got my jokes, you never judged me for my addictions or my criminal record, you comforted me while I was having a panic attack after Daryl accidentally hit me. You were-" My voice cracks as I get flashbacks to that night.
Negan nods and turns back to Abraham, "You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry. Hell...you're all gonna be doin' that."
Just as he does that, the bat comes down on Abraham's head, causing him to fall forward...
..."Suck...my...nuts." Abraham grunts, ruby-red blood pouring out of his ginger hair and down his face.
I scream out in horror again as Negan brings the bat down, silencing Abraham for good.
"Abraham..." I sob, hugging him again. "I should've done something. I should've fought the guy I should've..."
"Adrian, you know you couldn't have." He says gently, rubbing my back in circles. "You tried. You tried to take the blame, tried to reason with Negan, but you knew it was decided. There was nothing you could do."
I whimper, "You died when you had just started wanting to live."
I feel Abraham's head nod on my shoulder, "Yeah...and you're the person that started that. Yes, Sasha continued it, but you started that."
I mewl, "I don't want to live without you. I don't-if I chose to stay here that means I get to be with you. I can...I can stay with you." I whisper.
Abraham breaks the hug and looks me in the eyes, "You can either do that or go back down there and protect your kickass of a little sister. She needs you right now, Adrian."
I bite my lip, "I can't be the older sister she needs if I'm stuck on something I'll never get back."
Abraham nods, "But you get to say goodbye. To both of us."
When he says that, Glenn steps out and stands next to him. He smiles warmly, "Hey, Adri."
I don't say anything, I just hug Glenn.
Do I want to live?
"Glenn, I'm so, so, so, so, so sorry."
He nods, "I know you are, Adrian. But you don't have to be. Abraham and I both know how you feel about us. Nick's manipulation has absolutely no effect on that."
I cry in Glenn's arms, my body shaking with guilt and grief.
I keep seeing Glenn getting smacked in the head with that damn bat. With each hit, I shake, Glenn hugging me tighter each time.
"I wish I could have fully said goodbye to you." He whispers into my ear. "But you did get to."
"How?" I tearfully ask.
"The day when Nicholas died. When we were laying down and you said 'I'm glad in the end it was with you'. You and I both didn't know it, but that was your goodbye."
Something happens inside of me. Like, a chain around my heart was unlocked.
Relief.
All this time I had thought I never got to say goodbye to Glenn but...I did.
"It was true." I whisper.
"Can't tell if I should be sayin' I'm jealous or 'aw'." Abraham snorts.
I scoff tearfully and break the hug with Glenn.
"There's so much I want to say...but too much for me to be able to say any of it." I admit.
Abraham nods, "I know. But the one thing we're here for is to tell you that you are not a bad person for joining the Saviors...and we're also here to fully say goodbye but the other reason too."
Glenn butts in, "Adrian, you're not an evil person. You didn't insult us or our deaths by joining the Saviors and choosing to stay with them."
My vision goes blurry with tears, "I wish I had made a better choice."
"Shut the fuck up." Abraham smiles. "Shoulda', woulda', coulda'. Isn't that what you and your sister say? What your mom taught you?"
I sigh and chuckle, "Yeah. Shoulda', woulda', coulda'." I look at both Glenn and Abraham. "I'm scared I'm gonna get attached to someone and they're gonna replace y'all."
Glenn smiles, "Good."
I look at him confusedly but he continues before I can say anything. "You can't stay stuck on us because you'll never move on. This is a chance for you to be able to let us go."
I whimper quietly, "I don't want to."
Abraham smiles, "You're gonna have to if you want to become the person you deserve."
I shake my head, "I don't deserve shit."
"Adrian, if you keep talking like that about yourself I will make sure you never see a nugget of weed again." Abraham threatens.
"Woah, no need to get violent." I quickly reply, though my usual sass is replaced by a defeated-sounding voice.
"You need to give yourself some credit," Glenn adds. "You've gone through hell, had a few slip ups but, you've made it this far. And the fact you're considering living or dying shows that maybe you know you deserve to live."
I sigh and wipe a tear, "I wish you guys could be alive with me. Watching me do everything you're expecting me to."
Glenn smiles, "We won't be down there, but we will be."
Abraham leans forward, "May even send a few weed seeds your way as a show of 'hey, still here somewhere, asshole.'"
I smile weakly, "I wish you guys knew how much of an impact you had on me."
"We do." Glenn replies.
"I wish you knew how much of an impact you had on us." Abraham says.
This catches my attention, "I had an impact on you guys?"
Abraham scoffs and nods, "I already explained to you how you were the start of me actually wanting to live."
Glenn butts in, "You showed me how actual love works. You hadn't realized you liked me and even though you felt betrayed, we picked up where we left off and became brother and sister again."
I sigh and look up, noticing the sin dangerously close to begin setting.
"There's two more people you have to see before you have to make your choice." Glenn says.
"Look for us, we'll be down there with you." Abraham says.
"Wait, wait, don't go. Please don't go I can't..." My voice trails off with a squeak as I blink and Abraham and Glenn are gone.
For good this time.
Though, replacing them, Lori and Carl stand before me.
Without a word, all three of us hug, and they allow me to cry on their shoulders. "Lori," I squeak, feeling her long brown hair on my arms.
She smiles and pulls back, "You look so beautiful."
I stare at her, her beauty. "Lori, I miss you so much. Whether I act like it or not. Alyssa does too."
She nods, "You don't have to justify not crying over any of our deaths every time you see one of us. It's normal, honey. To not always be sad about someone's death. Eventually, it just becomes a part of your everyday life. And the best thing you can do to show how much you miss someone is to live for them. Live through them. With everything they've taught you." She smiles. "You're trying."
My lip and chin quiver as I try to hold back a frown, "I am...but sometimes I forget and..."
"That's okay, Adri. You don't have to remember all the time." She says, her voice is comforting and soft.
"I don't think I've ever held Judith," I admit, looking at my feet. "Every time I look at her, I see you. My dad. Not together but... separate. And it just...reminds me of what I don't have anymore."
Lori nods, "Then when you choose to live, that's what you're going to do. To honor your dad and I."
I nod and look into Lori's eyes, "I promise...and this time I won't break it."
She smiles, "Good." Then, she looks at Carl, as if signaling to him that it's his turn to speak.
"Dang...you and I both died on the same night."
I scoff at Carl's words, "Shit luck."
He smiles, "Especially for Alyssa."
I sigh, my body deflating.
The trees rustle above me as if to say, "You're almost out of time."
"God, she does not deserve this."
Carl shakes his head, "No, she doesn't. And you need to show her that. You need to be there for her. She has Inejra and Damien but...she needs her older sister."
I look at Carl, "You really love her, don't you?"
He nods, "I always will. I wish it could have been different. I wish I could have seen our kids...heard her with the last name 'Grimes'. But I can't."
I push my lips into a thin line, "I don't think she could have picked a better boyfriend...even if she had options in an apocalypse."
He scoffs, "I don't think I could have picked a better girlfriend. And I know you couldn't have raised an even better sister than her."
I smile and allow a few tears to fall, "I don't want to see her after this. Her smile-lessness."
Carl nods, "Me neither. But Alyssa has a problem with showing anything but happiness. And you're gonna need to show her it's okay to feel sad sometimes," He leans in. "You, too."
I sigh and nod in agreement. However, instead of verbalizing my agreement, I say something else. "You know if I could have taken that bite, I would've."
He nods, "I know. But I'm glad you didn't. You wouldn't have had the energy to mutilate Nick like you did." He smirks.
I scoff, "Yeah, well, wish it could've been more brutal."
The wind causes the trees to shiver again, causing me to look up and see that through the blanket of leaves, the sky has a dark orange tint. A dark orange tint.
"You're out of time." Lori says softly. "You need to make a decision."
"But I..." My voice trails off.
Stay with Damien, Inejra, Cato, Alyssa, Michonne, Rick, and everyone else?
Or stay with Mom and Dad, Abraham, Glenn, Carl, Lori, and all the other people who have died?
I don't know what to choose, it seems like this should be an easy decision. Like I should immediately choose Alyssa. But it's not. I don't know how long I'm gonna last being alive. This decision feels like the weight of the universe is on my shoulders. It's a life-or-death decision.
Literally.
"Adrian, make a decision, now." Carl says quickly.
I hold my breath and hug them quickly, deciding before I can even comprehend it.
"I want to live."
Everything goes black.