She turned the key in the lock of their apartment and closed the door behind her, immediately looking towards the kitchen to check if her partner was home.
"Freen ka? Babe, are you home?" She called out.
No answer. She sighed. Until 2 weeks ago, it was a common sight to come home after a hard day at work, to find Freen prepping up some new recipe she learned or simply sitting on the couch with her guitar playing some tunes to herself, or reading a book, something even the door opening wouldn't distract her from.
Becky hung her coat in the closet and walked in towards the kitchen island. She got herself a glass of water and texted Nam while sipping on it.
To P'Nam:
Hey phi, I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, but is Freen with you?
From P'Nam:
Hi, nong. It's no problem. Aww... mai cai, nong Freen isn't with me. What's up?
Becky felt embarrassed. She's supposed to know these things. It's supposed to be a thing between her and Freen. But Freen's been acting different off late. Very different. Distant would be a better word. Becky looked around the room once more, then finally pulled up Freen's name on speed dial and called her. It rang and it rang. But she didn't pick.
She quickly texted Nam.
To P'Nam:
Umm... nothing was just checking. I'm sure she's with P'Opp and the gang.
To which Nam quickly replied.
From P'Nam:
Alright na. Becbec ka, let me know if you need me okay? And please, tell me once she's home too.
To P'Nam:
Thanks P'Nam
Under normal circumstances, Becky would panic. Like she did the first day this happened. But 2 weeks in now, and she's picked up a pattern. It was 11pm now. Freen should be home in an hour or two. Her friends will drop her off. At least Becky hoped so. She wiped her face down in frustration, took a long breath and made her way upstairs to their bedroom. She needed a quick shower.
Freen's always been more social than her. Her job allowed it too. She was an extrovert by nature. Always meeting new people because her creativity and her love for the arts demanded it sometimes. Becky however preferred fewer social occasions. Being a lawyer by profession, she inevitably has to speak out and confidently before a lot of people. And she was damn good at it too. It was one of the things Freen loved so much about her.
Freen was always the one pushing her to come to parties with her. Not that she didn't enjoy it. She did. Especially when Freen got all buzzed with just a few beers and would get all clingy and affectionate. Becky loved those nights. But alcohol was beginning to become more of an enemy to their relationship. And Becky couldn't get it off her mind while she showered.
What was tonight's argument going to be about? What harsh things would they say to each other today? Is one of them going to end up sleeping on the couch again? The past two weeks have been stressful and Becky could not understand why Freen had changed, or rather what had changed between them.
Add to that all the new clients she's been allocated at work. With appraisal season just around the corner and her eyes on that big promotion, she was trying her best to give her everything to her work and still be here for Freen, whatever it is she's going through, whatever it is that's making her think she needs to get shit-faced drunk every night.
As hot water ran down her naked body, she closed her eyes and tried to focus on happier times. Sure they'd had bad days before too. Really bad days, they were a couple. Since high school. They've had their fair share of fights, break-ups and make ups, they'd cried together, made love together, grown up together and now, they'd been living together for 2 years. It's got to mean something right? Right?
Becky had every intention of spending the rest of her life with Freen. She was going to pop the question sometime soon in the future. They had already discussed kids. Hell, if that doesn't hint at permanency, then what does? She tried to slow her thoughts down and focus on the water caressing her skin and less on the tears beginning to brim.
'We'll get through this...' she whispered to herself and turned the shower off. She reached out for a towel and quickly dried herself off. And along with her pyjamas, she quickly put on her strength and some more, for Freen. She'll try talking to her tonight again. They have to find a way to fix this. It can't keep going on this way.
Freen was either hurt or angry about something. Why else would she be acting out this way? She'll sit her down tonight, hold her close and coax her to open up. Whatever it is she's feeling, she should know she doesn't need to go through this alone.
Becky made her way downstairs to heat up the food she picked up on her way home, hoping Freen would have dinner with her. She served herself a plate and began eating, standing by the kitchen island, and simultaneously tried Freen's phone again.
This time, she picked up.
"Babe!"
"Hey baby..." Freen slurred.
Becky frowned. Freen sounded too drunk. The endearment was common. The slur in her voice... That was what she picked up on.
"What time are you coming home?" Becky asked.
"Are you home, already? Chib-haai... What time is it?" Freen asked.
Becky looked at the clock in their kitchen and at the same time, she heard Freen giggle at someone near her.
"Babe it's almost 12... you should be getting home na." Becky said.
"Cai, cai... I'm leaving in like... 10 minutes!"
Freen clearly didn't leave in 10 minutes. It was 1 am now and Becky was sipping on a mug of tea while typing away on her laptop. A dangerous thing to do given that she needed to wake up at 7 am tomorrow and tea would do nothing but keep her up.
But she was adamant on talking to Freen tonight. She tried her phone again. It just kept ringing. Becky almost threw her phone aside in frustration, when she heard the lock of the door open. She looked that way to find Freen making her way inside. She stopped when she saw Becky sitting by the kitchen island.
"Freen, where have you been?"
"God, you look beautiful, my tinker bell!" Freen exclaimed and took quick steps until she was by Becky's side, Becky turned towards her and Freen leaned in, held her face a little too lovingly and began kissing her.
Becky's heart jumped. Even after all these years, how Freen's lips could move her this way, was beyond her. But then the taste of alcohol on Freen's lips brought her back to reality and reminded her of why they were even here in the first place. She lightly tugged at Freen's hands, and pulled her lips away from her lover.
"Babe... wait... We need to talk."
"Come on Becky, I'm tired of fighting... can't we just..."
She leaned back in, this time, with more purpose, her eyes had darkened, like she'd been waiting to come home and make love to her girlfriend. Her hand moved lower, caressing Becky's neck, her collar bone, and lightly grazed over her breast when Becky all but pushed herself off the bar stool and away from Freen.
"What the fuck, Becky!" Freen exclaimed.
"Freen. Are you not listening to me?"
"I am. And I'm tired. And I know whatever we start now will end in a fight and I don't want to fight anymore." Freen said, sounding tired and sad.
"And why is that, Freen? Why is it that every time we try to talk these days it ends up in a fight?"
Freen looked tired. Like she wanted to give up. And Becky hated herself for pushing so much. Freen has never needed this much pushing before. She usually came to her on her own, mumbling her problems into Becky's chest at night, and Becky would hold her tight, either helping her find solutions or just simply listening and letting her vent. But this time was different. This time, Freen was closing herself off and Becky couldn't take it.
"I don't know okay! I don't know!" Freen snapped.
Becky took a step forward toward Freen. Wanting to reach out and touch her arm, to show her she was still here for her even if she was trying to be firm here.
"Babe, you've been drinking every night for the past two weeks. You come home drunk, you don't answer my questions, we argue, and go to bed angry. We wake up and act like nothing happened the earlier night. We go to work like everything's fine between us and then it's the same thing all over again! What's changed?"
"But everything IS FINE between us!" Freen whines as she walks over to get herself a glass of water. Becky notices how she can't walk straight and needs to lean against the sink as she sips on her water.
"Bullshit! Bullshit and you know it!" Becky said.
"I'm tired, Becky. Can we do this after I've showered, please?"
Becky says nothing. She simply closes her laptop and takes it with her to the living room where she plants herself on the couch and continues to work. She hears Freen sigh as she leaves the kitchen area, and later sees her slowly make her way up to their bedroom.
Once she's out of sight, Becky takes a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. She rubs her eyes. It's 1.30 am. They can do this. Freen isn't as drunk as the last few nights. Maybe they can have a civil conversation. Maybe they can sort it out. Maybe they'll be fine tomorrow.
Becky reached for her phone and texts Nam.
To P'Nam:
Phi, she's home. Thanks na. Goodnight and once again, sorry to bother you so late 😔
From P'Nam:
That's good. Nong, please don't be so formal with me. Freen's not herself recently. I'm worried too. Thanks na for keeping me in the loop
To P'Nam:
I know. I'll call you tomorrow, phi. Goodnight naka
From P'Nam:
Goodnight Becbec
Becky kept her phone aside and looked toward the staircase. She decided to go upstairs and check on Freen. She was still drunk after all and Becky hoped to god she hadn't passed out or something in the shower.
She made her way upstairs and entered their bedroom only to find Freen wrapped in a towel sitting by the door of their master bathroom, weeping. Becky ran to her.
"Babe... babe what's wrong? Oh my god!"
Becky sat beside her and pulled her into her arms and Freen sobbed loud and harsh into her neck.
"Shhh... baby... don't cry... Talk to me... please tell me what's going on this this sweet little head of yours." Becky kissed her temple, and kept doing it in an effort to calm Freen down, she could feel her body wracking with sobs. Becky couldn't describe the pain she felt in her chest at the helplessness she was feeling right now.
"You've got to talk to me babe..." She caressed Freen's face. This was the first time in the last two weeks Freen was crying instead of fuming. And Becky needed to get it out of her now. She held her face and made her look right at her. "Look at me... I'm here na... I've always been here... we've been through so much together baby, why won't you talk to me now..."
"You'll hate me..." Came Freen's reply... "You already do I think..."
Becky was shocked. She had no words. What in the world could make Freen think Becky could ever hate her? "What? Why would I hate you, I don't understand... babe..."
Freen looked away then. Wiped furiously at her eyes. When she opened them again they were red and puffy and Becky wanted to kiss over them and reassure Freen that she could never hate her. Never.
"I'm tired Beck, please, can we just go to sleep?"
It wasn't what Becky wanted tonight. But at least it was something. It was more than what she'd got from her the past two weeks and so Becky decided to take what she could get. She nodded. She got up, off the floor and helped Freen up.
"Let's get you in your night wear." She said to Freen.
Freen nodded. She was letting Becky take care of her and that in itself was a big leap from how they've been ending their nights these days. Freen helped her into one of her t-shirts and underwear, and got her into bed. Becky stood there. Hesitating. Freen reached out to her and that was enough.
She could skip the couch tonight and Becky considered that a win. Freen cuddled in closer to her side, and Becky kissed the top of her head before whispering a "Goodnight babe, I love you." to her.
Freen was already falling asleep, she could feel her heart rate slowing down and her breath too. And she thanked the universe for small blessings like tonight.
//
It was 7 am now, and Becky was all set to leave for a new day at work. She had prepared breakfast for Freen and left it out on the kitchen island for her. She had also left 2 painkillers on their bedside table with a bottle of water and a note that said, "Breakfast is downstairs, please give me a call when you're up, babe."
Becky stared at her sleeping lover. She looked peaceful. And that was all Becky would ever wish for her. But she knew there was something going on. Something Freen wasn't ready to talk to her about yet and it pained to be the one to not know when all their life they've been nothing but open to each other.
A work call on her phone distracted her from Freen. She cursed at her phone, then walked over to Freen, kissed her forehead and left.
On her way to work, Becky called Nam.
It was 11 am now, and Becky was still awaiting Freen's call. But in vain. So she texted her.
To Babe 🤍:
Babe ka, are you up?
From Babe 🤍:
Hi, ka. I am. Sorry na, couldn't call you. Had to rush to the gallery
To Babe 🤍:
Everything okay?
From Babe 🤍:
Cai, just had to talk to the building managers. I'm fine. I'll see you tonight
To Babe 🤍:
I thought we could talk, whenever you're free.
From Babe 🤍:
We can talk tonight, Becky. I'll come home by 10.
Becky sighed to herself. Freen was avoiding talking to her. Again. Why had she expected anything else? Oh yes, she let her remotely in last night, that's got to count for something right? She kept her phone aside and dived deep into work.
//
Freen's headache was almost gone. She sipped on some more water and continued with the purposeful brush strokes on the canvas before her. She was wearing one of her old shirts knowing she would get some paint over it. She was trying really hard. But nothing looked right.
The entire piece was turning out to be a disaster. A metaphor for what her love-life was turning into. She placed her brush down and rested her face in her palms. Just trying to get a grip on herself. It was 7pm now.
"Hey..." came an all too familiar voice from behind her. She turned around to find her friend, her best friend since high school walking towards her.
"P'Nam! What are you doing here?" Freen walked towards her until she could wrap her in her arms, embracing her.
"The doorman let me in, I guess he knows when you need me the most."
Freen huffed. She folded her arms across her chest and said "And what do you think I need you for right now?"
Nam took a deep breath then, getting a little nervous. "Alright na, let's get right down to it then..." When Freen just looked at her expectantly, she continued. "Nong... Becky called me this morning..."
Nam noticed Freen's change of stance. She shifted her weight from one leg to the other.
"She's worried, nong..."
"Did she put you up to this, phi? Did she send you here?" Freen said. Clearly trying to control some emotion, she didn't seem sure what it was exactly.
"Before you jump to any conclusions, nong, you need to listen to me..."
"I told her we'd talk tonight, why she couldn't just wait..."
"Nong! You've been coming home drunk every night. You guys have been fighting endlessly, don't you think she has the right to be worried, to be angry. She needs an explanation. She needs something."
"An explanation for what? So I've been drinking a little. I'm dealing with something. I'll be fine eventually..."
"She heard you talking in your sleep!" Nam blurted out.
Freen grew nervous. "What did I say?"
"You kept mumbling something about not being enough, not deserving. You said something about a monster and Becky thought maybe you're having a bad dream..."
Freen turned around. Needing to not let Nam see her eyes tearing up.
"...but then you said something about how Becky would never love you after this... and you sounded angry with yourself..."
"Meung! You ready?" came a voice from the door way.
Both Nam and Freen turned around to find Opp and Seng there.
"Sorry, didn't realize you had company..." Opp was quick to apologize.
"That's fine, I was leaving anyway." Nam said.
Nam turned back around to Freen. "I guess your ride's here. I'll see you around, nong. Just don't forget how much Becky cares about you while you go around drinking your sanity away." She said as she pulled Freen in for a hug.
To be continued.