(TW!! Mentions of drug usage, torture, abuse, and S/A!!)
I asked to stay in the cell for the next few nights. I know for a fact I would run back to the Sanctuary and run back to the drugs- not that I even want to stay clean.
I'm at a field near both Alexandria and the Hilltop, as is everyone else. We're planning an attack on the Saviors.
I want to leave. I want to run back to Nick and Negan. I want to shove so many drugs into my body that I black out.
But that's too easy.
That's how I know it's wrong.
Everybody who's not in the "close group" keeps their distance from me. I hear hushed conversations and every time I walk anywhere near someone, a few more inches get put between us.
Daryl and I haven't really spoken. I haven't spoken much to anyone other than that first conversation with Rick, Inejra, Alyssa, Damien, and Daryl. If I do talk, it's usually to Alyssa or Damien.
I have this deep pit in my stomach, a familiar fear brewing throughout my veins. The fear I tried so hard to get over.
Men.
But now there's another one, and this one is stronger.
Me.
I saw the graves of the three Alexandrians I killed. Every day I would leave the cell just to walk around. Everyone would try to talk to me, get me to open up, make small talk about gossip, or try to get intel- usually resulting in a slap.
I don't feel like me. I don't feel like Alyssa Walsh's sister. I don't feel like Daryl Dixon's wife or Damien James' best friend. I don't feel like an Alexandrian and I don't feel like the badass, stubborn, kick-ass asshole I was before the Lineup.
All I feel is an empty, gaping hole in my heart. The one that I thought was covered up for good.
I don't know where I belong. If I go back to where I felt normal, not being judged for using drugs- in fact, almost everyone else was using them. At the Sanctuary I was in charge, I was feared but in a good way. The same way I used to be feared here.
But at Alexandria, I'm still an enemy. I'm a druggie criminal who fucked the enemy and befriended the person who killed my best friend and the first man I was comfortable being alone with after Nick.
At Alexandria, I'm feared. Nobody will admit it, but they're waiting. They're waiting for the Saviors to show up and thank me for being a secret spy, they're waiting for me to lash out and go on a killing spree, they're waiting for me to show my Savior self again.
That "Savior self" isn't gone.
Hell, it never will be.
We're all standing around Rick, Maggie, and Ezekiel. Ezekiel is the leader of another group called the Kingdom. I missed a lot.
He's got a cool-ass pet tiger that I'm going to make my mission to befriend. Alyssa's currently sitting next to it, petting it, so she beat me to that.
Who's surprised?
He's dark-skinned and has white, long dreads with one feather poking out of one of them. He has a salt-and-pepper beard and uses medieval words like "thy" and "shall".
I'm standing at the back of the group. Whenever I'm in front of anyone, I only sense eyes only on me. I can hear the gossip floating around like a plague in the air and I can feel it when people point at me.
Rick stands before us, looking around. "When I first met him...Jesus said that my world was gonna get a whole lot bigger. Well, we found that world. That...'bigger world' is ours by right. That we've come together for it, all of us..."
Rick continues, "It's that much more true- it's ours by right. Any person who would live in peace and fairness, who would find common ground, it's their right too. But those who use and take and kill to carve out the world make it theirs alone- we end them. We don't...celebrate it. We don't have shame about it, either. There's only one person who has to die...and I will kill him myself. I will. I will."
My heart catches in my throat. I will put myself in front of that bullet to Negan's head if I have to. I don't care if the whole group hates me, I've already achieved that.
But I can't allow Negan to die. I can't.
"But if it's the others...the others who prop him up, stand by his side, even those who just look the other way- so be it. Then...we keep making the world bigger. Together." Rick finishes.
Ezekiel speaks next. "Together." He repeats. "Bound forever! To quote The Bard, 'For he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother'." He pats Rick on the back with a bright smile.
Then he turns to Maggie, who still has barely even looked at me. "For she today, my sister." He says, putting his hand on her shoulder.
Shiva, the tiger roars. Alyssa giggles next to her and lays her head on Shiva's stomach.
"We've practiced." Maggie booms. "We've been through it over and over again. We all know the plan doesn't end this morning. That we may have to live in uncertainty for days, maybe more. That we have to keep our faith in each other. If we can hold onto that with everything we have, the future is ours. The world is ours." Maggie then turns to Rick, who is looking at a field a few miles out.
Rick turns to us, "We end this now!"
Then, everyone but me cheers, pumping their fists into the air, high-fiving each other, celebrating.
A few hours later, everyone has their assigned jobs and has taken out all of the lookouts. I'm still unsure if I want to go with Rick and fight.
I have a fear that if I do, I'll turn the gun on the people next to me, not in front of me.
Alyssa comes down to my cell as I'm twirling my knife on my finger, weighing my options.
Once I hear the door creak open, I stand and sheathe my knife.
"Thirty minutes." She tells me. "You going?"
I bite my lower lip in deep thought.
"I didn't know it was gonna be this hard." I sigh, knawing on my bottom lip.
She sighs and unlocks the cell door, entering and leaning on the bars. "If it's too easy, it's not right. Lori taught us that."
I nod, avoiding Alyssa's gaze. I pick at my cuticles and feel my blood start to rush faster as I think about what to do too hard.
Alyssa notices immediately, "You do not have to do it if you don't want to. You don't have anything to prove to any of us. We know you, Adrian. We know your heart. And we know how Nick is. I had a meeting with all of Alexandria about...everything."
I quickly look at her but she puts her hands out, "I didn't tell them too much! Just that he's a master manipulator, especially when it comes to you. At least we, the people you left Terminus with, know you are not a Savior. You were a prisoner."
I sigh, my lip quivering uncontrollably.
If you don't go, someone else might kill Nick.
I quickly look at Alyssa, my eyes roaming over her as I comprehend the possibility of being able to kill Nick once and for all.
"I'll go." I finally say, exhaling pins and needles.
Her eyebrows raise and she straightens up, "You sure?"
I nod, "I won't run back into their arms. I won't kill anyone from our side. I just want to kill Nick." My body is tense with determination, with suppressed anger.
Alyssa nods, "Then go before it's too late."
I don't think to question why she's so okay with this. She never wants me to go and fight especially now when I'm addicted to drugs again and back in that same relationship with Nick again. But there's not enough time to think about it.
I nod and pound out of the cell, jogging up the stairs and to the cars with metal sheets welded to them.
It's almost like Damien senses me from behind because when I'm a few feet away from him, he immediately turns. "Gracing us with your presence?"
That's the thing I love about Damien. He didn't change how he acted toward me at all. Even though he would have a bullet hole between the eyebrows if Daryl didn't grab me.
I nod, "Mhm."
He smiles and nods to his car, motioning for me to get in with him.
I nod and climb in, grabbing a shotgun from the back seat.
When we enter the Sanctuary gates, I feel my stomach churn uncomfortably. We're about to blow up the place I lived for weeks, where I laughed and drank with other Saviors, where I felt understood. But most, maybe not all.
If I'm lucky, Negan survives and Nick doesn't. I will do whatever in my power to make sure Negan survives.
Anxiety creeps its way up to my neck, causing goosebumps to rise and my lips to become dry.
I'm not worried about this, I'm worried about killing someone I grew to care about there like the wives and especially Negan.
We park the cars in front of the familiar yard of Walkers, surrounded by a chain link fence and being held onto poles with chains.
Damien and I run out of the cars, standing behind one of the metal sheets.
With a hand raise from Maggie, we raise our guns. When she drops her hands, all of us fire three gunshots into the air, signaling we're ready to fight.
I wait uncomfortably, wishing this could all be over and I was back at Alexandria, making bracelets with Alyssa, smoking weed with Abraham, and talking with Glenn.
Two of those things will never happen again.
I feel a punch to my gut but I don't have any time to act on it because Negan steps out of the Sanctuary, Lucille on his shoulder.
"Well, shit." He says. "I'm sorry. I was in a meeting." Several other Saviors stand beside him.
I feel my throat close up we I see Nick standing near Negan. Negan smirks, "I see you got your little mudflaps with 'ya. So I'm not exactly feelin' a reason for us to try throwin' lead at each other. I care about my people. I don't wanna just march them into the line of fire because I want to play 'my dick is bigger than yours'." It is. We both know it."
He continues, "But I'm also comfortable enough to accept the fact if it wasn't. I'm certainly not gonna let my people die over that shit..." He points his bat at the metal sheets. "Like you're about to."
It's quiet for a beat until Negan speaks again. "So, Rick," He starts. "What the hell can I do for you?"
"Dwight." Rick says, pointing to Dwight. "Your name's Simon. You're Gavin." He pauses. "And you're Nick." His voice is filled with ice as he says Nick's name, malicious intent seeping through his words and spilling out like liquid.
"And you?" Rick asks, pointing to some bitch who always had a problem with me.
"Regina." She spits. She's wearing a leather vest, her hair is dyed gray and she has the sides of her head shaved.
"Rick, I'd feel remiss if-" Eugene tries but Rick shuts it down with a "no" immediately.
"I know who you are. Listen, you five. The Saviors inside. All of you have a chance to survive here. To survive this. Y'all can live if you surrender. Can't guarantee it anytime but now. Right now." Rick says.
Negan smirks, "So they surrender...and you and your little piss patrol doesn't kill them. That sounds like a good deal!" He pauses, "What about me, Rick?"
"I told you," Rick grunts. "Twice. You know what's going to happen."
Not unless I'm dead first.
"I do. I do know what's gonna happen. You don't. You have no idea the shit that's about to go down." Negan exclaims with a shit-eating grin. "Let me ask you somethin', Rick. Do you think you have the numbers for this fight?"
It's quiet again.
I tried to convince Rick that they were screwed. I was at the Sanctuary for a while and I still hadn't met everybody. But he blew me off, telling me it's not about the numbers.
His funeral I guess.
"You don't." Negan answers for him. "Simon?" With that, Simon backs into the Sanctuary and brings Gregory out.
"What do you have to say to Rick and his little piss patrol, Gregory?" Negan asks, his hand on Gregory's shoulder.
Gregory stands with his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out, almost as if trying to seem braver than he is.
"The Hilltop stands with Negan and the Saviors." Gregory announces to all of us. "Any resident at the Hilltop who takes up arms or who supports this ultimatum against the Sanctuary or any of the Saviors, for that matter- they will be no longer welcome in the colony."
"And?" Negan presses.
"Their families will be thrown out and left to fend for themselves."
Negan chuckles and pats Gregory on the shoulder, straightening up again.
Standing here, getting ready to fight, I really regret my decision. The chances of me not even pulling this trigger are incredibly high.
But I don't want Negan to hate me. And I don't want The Hilltop, The Kingdom, or Alexandria's people to hate me either.
Jesus, this sucks.
"And?" Negan continues.
Gregory hesitates, "Go home now. Or you won't have a home to go back to."
Damn, I was right, he is a fuckin' prick.
"You heard the man. Go back to separatin' wheat n' shit, or whatever the hell you people do." Negan says.
Maggie smirks, "Doesn't look like anyone's goin', does it?"
"Hilltop stands with-"
Jesus interrupts Gregory, "The Hilltop stands with Maggie!"
Simon then yells at Gregory though not loud enough for us to hear. Then, suddenly, he shoves Gregory down the steps next to him. Gregory grunts as he pounds down the steps, I have to swallow to suppress laughter.
A small explosion from Morgan, Carol, Tara, and Daryl sounds throughout the air. A dark gray cloud of smoke twists and twirls several miles away, painting that part of the sky almost black.
"Sounds like shit is goin' down, Rick." Negan says.
"You 'lieutenants', you're gonna have to make up your minds." Rick bellows.
"Maybe we can take a time out here-" Gavin tries but Rick interrupts him.
"No. This has to happen now. This is the only way."
Negan stares at Rick, his eyebrows pushed together and his bottom lip jutting out, the same angry face he always makes.
"Where's Adrian?" He then asks, causing my heart to stop.
Fuck.
Everyone then turns to me, staring at me with expressions I can't read.
"I know her. I know her adrenaline addiction. She's behind there." He says.
I sigh and go to step out from behind the sheet metal but Rick looks at me, careful not to touch me.
"Don't. Negan would never hurt me." I assure him in a whisper.
Once I'm out from behind the metal, Negan stares at me. "What the fuck, Adrian?"
Ow.
I hesitate, my eyes not being able to look away from Nick's pissed face.
I close my eyes and inhale deeply, exhaling through pursed lips. My eyes finally manage to look away from Nick and stare at Negan. "I didn't come here to kill the Saviors," I inform him, not caring what everyone behind me is thinking.
"I came here to kill Nick." I declare, immediately looking back at Nick.
Fire bursts into his eyes, his knuckles turn white from gripping the yellow rail in front of him.
"Oh is that so?" Negan asks.
I nod, the tremor in my voice finally leaving. "I don't want to hurt anyone here. Nick," I look at him again. "Don't make me have to."
"You wanna tell them what you did to Carter?" Nick asks, leaning slightly forward. "Who you are?"
I narrow my eyes, "Go a-fuckin'-head.
Nick sucks in air through his teeth and then addresses everyone, "Adrian mutilated my best friend Carter Hallmeyer! She put a corkscrew through his hand, ripped his fingernails off, waterboarded him with boiling water, branded him, sewed his pinky and ring finger together on both hands, pulled out his teeth, and oh my god," He chuckles. "So much more. Adrian Golding is a monster!"
"Do not use your last name for me! You are the monster! And Carter started it all!" I yell, anger spreading through me like wildfire.
"You told me yourself that that group," He points behind me. "Was the reason Abraham and Glenn died!"
I clench my teeth, "Yeah, after you threw me against a wall and smashed a bottle on my head you three-headed freak!"
"Hey!" Negan booms, shutting Nick and I both up.
I scowl, "I wish I could take you back to Alexandria. Do what I did to Carter to you but worse. But we have a 'no torture' policy so," I shrug. "I'll just have to settle for watching your twisted little brains paint the walls pink!"
Nick sneers, "I swear I saw a video like this on Pornhub."
I don't react, I just slip back behind the walls on the cars and sink to the floor, hugging my knees to my chest and catching my breath.
Damien quietly rushes over to me, "You okay?"
I look at Damien, "I'm not leaving here until Nick is dead." I say, standing up and cocking my shotgun.
Rick sighs at the lack of words from Negan, "Am I gonna have to count?" He sighs and rolls his eyes. "Okay, okay. I'm counting. Ten!"
All of us get ready, aiming our guns toward Negan, mind right between Nick's eyebrows.
"Nine! Eight! Seven!" Instead of making it all the way to "one", Rick cocks his machine gun and fires at Negan, grunting in anger.
We all immediately begin firing, shattering the windows about them as Negan and his lieutenants run inside.
"Now!" Maggie screams.
Damien and some other people stop firing and run to their cars, the drivers honk their horns to attract the walkers, and everyone else continues firing.
Then, the R.V. gets rolled into the middle of the courtyard, Damien grabs me and pulls me down just as the R.V. explodes.
A wave of hot air blows all over us, rustling my hair and carrying the smoke toward the group. An orange angry burst of flame rises to the sky before disappearing just as quickly as it appeared, though not forgetting to leave little balls of fire on flammable things.
Everything around me goes silent when I see that a door to the Sanctuary, the door near Nick's room, is open.
Damien grabs my shoulder, his voice sounding muffled as he speaks. "Adrian! Adrian, we gotta go!"
"No!" I yell, going to run to the door but Damien yanks me back.
"Adrian! Not now! If he's still alive, there's a chance you can kill him! But we have to go!" His voice is full of urgency, though not enough.
I roll my eyes and go to run but he grips my shoulders with iron fists, "I'm not fuckin' joking Adrian! I do not want you to be alone with Nick whether you have a gun or not! And I do not want you running to that door because there could be snipers!"
"I said I wasn't leaving until-"
"You're leaving!" A vein in Damien's forehead is popping out, showing he's genuinely angry and scared for me to try and find Nick.
I push my tongue on my bottom lip and clench my teeth, sighing angrily.
He takes that as his sign and he grabs my wrist, pulling me to the car.
Once we're inside, I can't help but feel a random wave of excitement.
Now that I don't have to kill Nick in front of anyone, and I can sneak attack him if I want, I can take as long as I want to kill him.
I can make it as agonizing as possible.
We've stopped at the same place we did before the fight, a field of grass a few miles away from the Sanctuary.
We're all waiting for Gabriel, catching our breaths, fixing injuries, and reloading our guns.
I'm hoping to whatever the hell there is out there that Gabriel is alive, for Inejra's sake.
"Think he's alive?" Damien asks, standing with me as I stand away from the group, closer to the woods.
I shrug, "I hope so."
He nods, "Me too. Me fuckin' too."
I sigh and chew on my cheek, "You know I would've made it in the Sanctuary."
Damien nods, "I know." He looks at me, staring into my eyes, "Then what?"
I've noticed after getting the cut on my eye, the bottom portion of my eyesight gets more cloudy every day. Not my whole left eye, just the bottom half. I'm trying not to notice it.
I shrug, "Been beat and raped by him before, what's once more? Then I can kill that son of a bitch."
Damien shakes his head, "No, not 'what's once more'. I'm sick of you getting screwed over, Adrian. You do not deserve all of this shit and I'm sick of waiting for the next time you get involved in some life-or-torture situation."
I scoff, "I don't get involved in shit that much."
"Adrian, you got your foot cut off, were a sex slave for the Claimers, got kidnapped, had to watch your best friend and first lover after Nick get beat to death, and got beat and raped like every day in a span of what...five months?"
I sigh, "That's just the way shit goes."
Damien shakes his head, "But it's not. You yearn for it. You chase that adrenaline. It's like you enjoy to teter on the line of life and death, just to get a kick out of it!"
I shrug, he's not totally wrong. But I also can't just sit and do nothing while everyone else goes and fights for their lives.
"After this, you're done." He orders.
"Whatever, Alyssa."
"I'm serious, Adrian."
"You know that I'ma say 'okay' and then two months later I'll be holin' a shotgun again."
He sighs, knowing that what I'm saying is 100% true.
"You're an asshole." He says.
"And, after being involved with the Saviors and being with Nick again-" Daryl's whistle interrupts me and he motions for us to get going.
We begin walking and I look at Damien, finishing my sentence. "I'm batshit crazy."