Chan proposes to you in a butterfly garden, but the two of you want different things. (just a heads up, this is an angst with no happy ending drabble)
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The moment Chan got down on one knee, you knew you were screwed. Of course, he had mentioned marriage before here and there, but it was always in passing conversations. The two of you never sat down and had a proper conversation about it. This whole situation was entirely your fault and you knew it.
So there the two of you stood in the middle of the butterfly garden. You had always had a soft spot for butterflies. You spent childhood with grass stained feet. Running through the hot summer days with your grubby hands outstretched for the beautiful winged creatures.
Monarch butterflies, cabbage butterflies, and the swallowtails. You spent countless hours sprinting through the humidity gently catching them in your hands. Peeking into your hand-crafted caverns to study the creatures. Soft wings fluttered against your skin and their antennas tickled.
You'd grin down at them with a mouth full of missing baby teeth. A sunburn plastered across the tops of your nose and cheeks. You'd open your hands and watch them fly away. Some would leave your hands instantly while others tended to stick around. You'd stay there cooing at their beauty until they flew away.
Up, up, up into the bright blue sky with the sun high up in the air. Right now, you wish you had wings. You wished you could have gotten yourself out of this situation, but here you were now, and the truth was going to finally come out whether you liked it or not.
Chan had taken you out to a local butterfly garden. The inside area was filled with a wide variety of colorful butterflies. Reds and oranges that hurt your eyes. Royal purple that you caught out of the corner of your eye. Bright yellows that made the sun seem dull. Greens that blended in with the plants and melancholy blues.
Melancholy blue. There was no better way to describe what you were feeling right now. One moment, the two of you had been holding hands admiring the butterflies, and the next thing you knew, Chan walked off to find an employee.
You knew there was nobody inside the area when you came in, but you figured that the two of you had arrived at a time when the place was less busy. Plenty of people had a fear of bugs and that included butterflies. It had never crossed your mind that he rented the place out to propose.
You were admiring a Purple Emperor Butterfly. There was a sign about them in the area. You were staring at it when you felt a tickle on your hand. You glanced down to see one of them on your hands. Very slowly, you moved your hand up to your face to get a better view.
With a fuzzy black body and antennas, they had plump purple wings streaked with white. Their wings were outlined in black and some were occasionally speckled with a soft orange. Chan had mumbled something about going to ask a staff member where the bathroom was. He had disappeared right before the butterfly landed on your hand.
You watched the butterfly walk along your hand with a smile. You were taken back to the days of freshly mowed grass, sticky popsicles, and loud squeals as you ran through the cold outdoor sprinklers. Back when all you had to worry about was scrapes from falling from your bicycle as you tried to learn how to ride without training wheels. Back when you had never understood how it felt to have your heart shatter within seconds.
The butterfly flew off and you watched it fly away. It disappeared a few feet ahead into a plethora of plants. The corners of your mouth were still upright as you briefly remembered the brighter side of childhood. It had been years since you experienced summer as a child.
A noise from behind you caused you to spin around. Your eyes lit up at once. Did Chan see the butterfly on your hand? Maybe he took a photo of it. When you didn't spot him, your gaze moved down. The smile fell from your face.
There Chan sat kneeled on one knee with a grin. Dimples carved out on both sides of his face. His face was filled with joy as he held open the black box. A golden band sat in the box with a small gemstone welded into it. You recognized the color immediately because it just so happened to be the color of your birthstone.
Chan continued to grin as he waited for you to say something. Your face had gone pale. He figured that it was because you were shocked. He couldn't let go of the smile. "I know it's so sudden, but we've been dating for a couple of years now. I've been waiting for this moment for a while now."
"I even had some of our friends help pick out the colors." He chuckled and looked away with red cheeks. "I know, I know. I could have picked something out without help, but I wanted to make sure it was perfect. So what do you say? Will you marry me?" He looked back up at you with a sparkle in his eyes.
You took a step back and tried to compose yourself. You forced yourself to swallow the lump in your throat. You shook your head and it pained you to say the words, but you got them out anyway. "I'm sorry, but I can't."
His grin slowly turned into a frown. "Oh? I suppose I should have sat you down and talked to you about it first." His voice was laced with obvious disappointment. "Is it the ring? If you don't like it, we can get another one. Was the proposal not good enough?"
He looked up at you with hope. "I can redo it in front of everyone. We can invite our friends and our families and we can tr-"
"No," you shook your head.
"I can wait a few more months or another year or I-"
"Chan?"
He glanced up at you confused.
"I don't want to marry you."
"W-what?" His face dropped entirely. "You don't want to marry me?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't."
"Why? D-do you not want to marry me because I'm not good enough? I'll be a better man. I'll be home more and I'll try to take you on more dates. I'll put my career aside and I-"
"That's not it. I don't want you to push your career aside for me. I love you. I love you so much, but I will not marry you."
"What?" He was on the verge of tears. "What do you mean? You can't possibly be serious, can you?"
"I can't," you shook your head again. "I just can't."
You didn't want to talk about it. Your fear of commitment. Your fear of abandonment. The sweet summer days from your childhood hadn't lasted forever. You'd love him forever, but you'd never sign a marriage certificate. There was too much of a risk.
What if it all went wrong? What if something happened and you became trapped? What if he married you and then regretted it? There were too many unknowns and they terrified you.
"But I brought it up occasionally and you just..." Chan trailed off. He paused for a moment. His demeanor changed within seconds. His eyebrows furrowed in anger. "You just let me believe I was going to marry you? Why the hell didn't you say something?"
"I-"
"Do you know how many nights I've dreamed of our wedding? I've always had this dream that we'd sit down and plan our wedding. The guys could sing there and we'd have our first dance together. I've spent months planning this out. I've wanted to marry you for the past two years. Now you're telling me no? Are you fucking kidding me?"
He felt the red hot knife of betrayal pierce his back. He didn't understand it. Why hadn't you said something all the times he mentioned weddings? The few times the two of you attended weddings as guests and you went together as a couple. Chan always joked that the two of you would be next to tie the knot and you didn't object.
"How could you? Why would I date you if I didn't want to marry you? Why would I waste my time?"
Tears pricked up in your eyes. You forced yourself to speak. Swallow that lump and speak your truth no matter how much it hurts. "I-I can explain. I love you and I'll be with you as long as you want me to, I promise."
"You promise?" He scoffed and shook his head. He pushed himself off the ground and slammed the box shut. "That's not good enough."
"Chan, p-please..." Tears blurred your vision now. You couldn't see anything, but the outline of his body.
"Do you want me or do you not? Will you marry me? Yes or no?"
"No."
"Then I think we're done here."
"Wait, I can explain."
"No!" Chan snapped. "You strung me along thinking I was going to marry the love of my life and now you're telling me no? Do you have any idea how much that hurts? I wanted to marry you! I wanted to be with you forever and you're telling me you don't want that by rejecting my proposal!"
"That's not fair and you know it!"
"You know what's not fair?" His nostrils flared as you blinked away your tears. "Being told by the love of your life that they can't commit to you. Believing you'll have a fairytale ending when that will never happen."
You stood in silence as you realized how much you had truly fucked up. You knew he mentioned marriage, but you never thought he would have considered proposing before talking to you. The two of you stood in silence amidst the fluttering of the butterfly wings.
You watched with tears dripping down your cheeks as a Purple Emperor Butterfly landed on his shoulder. He shrugged it off and turned around. You watched the butterfly fly off high into the air. Chan's fingers gripped the boxed ring so hard that they turned white.
"Chan, can't we talk about this?" Your voice came out in a near whisper.
"There is nothing more to talk about. I wanted to marry you and be with you forever and you don't want that." He didn't turn around to face you. His shoulders dropped as the anger disappeared from his voice. He was left with grueling disappointment. "There's no reason for us to continue our relationship if the two of us want different things."
You watched in silence as he walked out the exit. He didn't turn around. He didn't offer to drive you back to your shared apartment. He left you along the butterflies and all you wished to do was flap your non-existent wings and fly away.