(HUGE TW!! For like...everything I've put a TW for in the past tbh!!)
Rick called a meeting in the church to talk about us killing the Saviors. I don't know if I'm going to say anything, I know everyone is gonna think I'm on the verge of insanity.
But it's Negan.
The Negan who saved me. The Negan who protected me when Nick tried to get back with me after I escaped his hellhole of an apartment. The Negan who let me spend the night at his house when I was scared that Nick was gonna find me.
Or it's not him. Maybe I'm overreacting.
Or maybe...
Alyssa elbows me gently, "You here?" She asks, noticing me zoning out.
I nod but don't say anything, I just face the front of the church.
"...and we can work with the Hilltop," Rick announces to everyone. The whole church is full of people. People to fight. People to help us kill. "Maggie hammered out a deal. We're getting food, eggs, butter, fresh vegetables. But they're not just giving it away."
"These Saviors, they almost killed Sasha, Daryl, and Abraham on the road."
That's right. The Saviors-possibly Negan's Saviors tried to kill my husband. My best friend. One of my close friends. But, then again, maybe he didn't know. Or maybe, it's not Negan.
"Now, sooner or later, they would've found us, just like those Wolves did,"
The Wolves, the group that attacked Alexandria when we went out to move the herd.
Rick continues, "Just like Jesus did. They woulda' kill someone or some of us. And then they would try to own us. And we would try to stop them. But by then, in that kind of fight, low on food, we could lose. This is the only way we can be as sure as we can get, that we win. And we have to win. We do this for the Hilltop, it's how we keep this place. It's how we feed this place."
Or we could ask nicely? I could as nicely.
"This needs to be a group decision." Notes Rick. "If anybody objects, here's your chance to say your piece."
Fuck.
I could object. Nobody will listen to me. Or they do and I save Negan. Or they do and we get killed by the Saviors.
I can feel my heartbeat pick up and my breathing becomes quietly heavier.
What if we do kill Negan? How would I be able to live with myself? Negan was my best fucking friend back then. Along with Cato, Lucille, and Jey-Jey, Cato's wife.
Everyone turns around, I feel like they're looking at me but when I see Alyssa turn around, I do too.
Morgan is standing, his words coming out nervous and uncertain. "You're sure we can do it? We can beat 'em? " He asks.
"What this group has done," Rick starts. "What we've learned, what we've become, all of us-yes, I'm sure."
"Then all we have to do is tell 'em that." Morgan declares.
Thank fuck.
"They don't compromise." Rick recollects, looking at Jesus who is sitting next to him. It made Alyssa giggle that a man named Jesus was in a church talking about killing people.
"This isn't a compromise." Morgan quickly rebuttals. "It's a choice you give 'em. It's a way out, for them and for us."
Rick answers, "We try and talk to the Saviors, we give up our advantage, our safety. No, we have to come for them before they come for us. We can't leave them alive."
We could and just...tell them no when they try to kill us-if they try to kill us.
"Where there's life, there's possibility." Morgan insists.
Okay, well that's bullshit. But I'll silently stay on his side.
"Of them hitting us." Rick quickly imputs.
"Hey-we're not trapped in this." Morgan loudly states. "None of you are trapped in this."
"Morgan..." Rick tries. "They always come back."
Morgan nods, "Come back when they're dead, too."
"Yeah we'll stop them, we have before." Rick remarks.
"I'm not talkin' about the Walkers." Morgan says.
"Morgan wants to talk to them first," Rick says to the group, looking around. "I think that would be a mistake but it's not up to me. I'll talk to the people still at home. I'll discuss it with the people on guard now, too, but who else wants to approach the Saviors, talk to them first?"
Aaron quickly stands up, "What happened here we won't let that happen again. I won't." He looks at Morgan then nods to Rick, sitting down.
"Looks like it's settled. We know exactly what this is. We don't shy from it, we live." Rick says. "We kill them all."
As soon as Rick says that, the walls of the church begin to close. My breath gets caught in my chest and it feels like there's a zip-tie around my ribcage, slowly tightening it. My heart feels heavy and my hands get clammy.
I can't be in here.
Without a word, I quickly stand up and fast walk out of the church, my breathing incredibly fast-paced and loud, and all eyes on me.
"Adrian!" Alyssa calls, running after me.
I turn the corner of the church and run to the house, not looking back at Alyssa running after me.
I slam through the door and don't even bother closing it because I know Alyssa is right on my tail. I run up the steps and into my bedroom.
It feels like I'm breathing through a straw, my arms feel heavy, and my fingers are tingling.
"Adrian!" Alyssa knocks quickly on my door before opening it, not waiting for me to say "come in".
I'm pacing the room, my hands are entangled in my hair and I'm breathing rapidly, too rapidly. Because of the pace of my breathing, my head gets light and my heart has to work harder to keep me awake but I barely notice it.
"Adrian!" Alyssa grabs me by the shoulders and turns me to face her, her head almost level with mine as she continues to grow. "What's going on?"
I break out of her grasp and continue pacing the room, "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to fucking do!" I repeat, shaking my hands to try and get feeling back in them.
"Adrian! What's happening?!"
"The Saviors!" I yell, turning to Alyssa.
"What?" I can tell she's genuinely confused, I don't blame her.
"NEGAN!" I practically scream.
Her eyes go wide and she tenses at my loud voice but I don't falter. "Fucking Negan! The name just keeps getting brought up! You know exactly who he is, you know what he did for me, you know what I went through and how he helped! I don't care what he could do, I can't kill him! I can't, I can't, I-" I sit on the bed and bury my face in my hands.
"What's wrong with me?" I whisper.
"Oh, Adrian," Alyssa whimpers, sitting next to me. "Nothing is wrong with you-"
"That's utter bullshit and you know it!" I quickly stand up and turn to Alyssa.
I don't give her a chance to respond before I begin talking again. "Fifteen years old, I started datin' Nick. Oh, fuckin' Nick. His bitch ass started beatin' me when I was seventeen years old! Rapin' me, smashin' bottles on me, slammin' me into fuckin' walls, you name it, he fuckin' did it!"
I'm fuming now. I don't know why I'm yelling, especially at Alyssa. I guess it's because I don't know how else to feel.
"He got me involved with The Brass Knuckles. Love some of 'em, hate the lot of 'em. They got me doin' fuckin' everythin'! Coke, Heroine, Ecstasy, and your fuckin' favorite, Fentanyl. Along with everythin' fuckin' else!"
"Adrian," Alyssa's words are shaky as tears begin to drip out of her eyes but I don't acknowledge her.
"Nobody fuckin' cared about Nick beatin' me! Everybody pretended to not notice the bruises and cuts and blood and everythin' else! But you know who did? Negan! Negan got me out of there! Negan saved me! If you weren't my motivation to stay alive, Negan would be! I was a fuckin' sex toy for a group and still chose to live to find you and him!"
My lip quivers, "And now they want me to kill him? The person who did more than Daryl ever did when he and Merle walked in on Nick beatin' my ass-"
Alyssa cuts me off by hugging me tight, her face burying in my shoulder. "Maybe it's not him." She whispers.
"Maybe." I pause, wiping a stray tear. "Or maybe we're about to kill the reason I'm alive."
A few hours later, Daryl comes into the bedroom as I'm lying down, facing away from the door.
I hear him get undressed and feel the bed dip next to me, signaling Daryl is lying next to me. I can feel his body heat radiating off of him, the familiar heat I snuggle into. But I can't look at him.
I can't look at anyone.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
"Adrian," Daryl's voice is soft. He gently places a hand on my shoulder, "Can you look at me?"
I shake my head but don't say anything, still not facing him.
He sighs, "Adrian. Look at me." He orders gently.
I sniff and sit up, staring at my legs for a moment before slowly bringing my gaze to his. He's sitting up now, as well, facing me.
"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." He assures me.
I sigh, tears already starting to form. "I don't know what to do, Daryl." I curse silently in my head as I begin crying immediately.
"If I don't go, I'm a pussy. If I don't go, I don't care about this group. If I don't fuckin' go, I care more about Negan than everyone else. But if I do go..." My voice cracks and my lip quivers.
Daryl sits and listens attentively, "If I do go...everything Negan did for me...everything-" I stop and take a quick inhale to refrain from sobbing. "Everything Negan did for me...doesn't mean anything."
"That's not what it means." Daryl comforts. "If you go, it means you care more about this group than your past. If you don't go, it means you still love Negan even after not talking to him for years."
I whimper at Daryl's words, his eyes soften, "Adrian, you do not have to go. You can stay here. If they ask, I will explain."
I sniff and look at my legs, "No. No."
My exhale is shaky and barely feels like I'm breathing but regardless, I drag my eyes back to Daryl. "I'll-I'll go."
Fuck.
"Are you sure?"
I nod, already beginning to cry, "Yeah." Daryl nods and pulls me into a warm hug, my cries immediately coming out into his shoulder without me trying.
"Sh, sh," Daryl gently pets my hair. "You're okay. I'm right here. I won't leave your side all day tomorrow." His voice is a soft, gentle, comforting rasp.
"I'm scared." I whisper.
"I know," He responds, still hugging me tightly. "I know you are."
Daryl left after comforting me to go plan with the rest of the group but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
The R.V and the other two cars park. Once they're parked, they honk their horns loudly, trying to attract attention from Walkers.
The plan is: Find a Walker that decently resembles Gregory, bring him to them, get allowed to walk inside, and kill the group.
Kill Negan.
I climb out of the R.V with shaky hands and legs. "Aaron, Rosita," Rick calls from the R.V. "You start here. We'll peel off every quarter mile, meet back here in a couple hours. See what we got."
Everybody begins to grab ammo, walk in the woods to search through Walkers, patch up the cars.
I stand still, bound to the closed R.V door.
Daryl comes up to me, "Hey," He greets gently.
"Daryl, I-" My words are shaky as my heart pounds harder and louder. "I can't-I can't do this. I can't go in there."
He nods and cups my cheeks, "You can always stay back with Maggie."
I shakily exhale and nod, "I don't know. What if they think I'm a pussy what if-"
"They won't. I'll make sure of it."
"If Negan is...alive. And there...do you think-"
"No." Daryl shakes his head. "No way in hell Rick would allow him to come to Alexandria."
My vision goes blurry with unshed tears, "I know..."
Daryl puts his hand on the back of my head and pulls me in for a hug, "Stay back here with Maggie. Even if you wanted to go, you're gonna be thinkin' about other things and it could get you hurt...or worse."
I wrap my arms around his torso, "I don't like feeling like this."
He nods into the crook of my neck, "I know."
Daryl pulls away from me and kisses me gently, "Stay back with Maggie. That's not a question."
I scoff and give him a half-smile, "I was not gonna deny."
A little over an hour later, the group is back together behind the R.V but in front of the other two cars. We have a few Walkers we could use as Gregory's head, we've just gotta choose.
Damien scoots closer to me, "You okay? What happened in the-"
"I'm fine." I spit, not wanting to talk about it. Damien-because he knows me better than I know myself, understands and scoots about a step away from me to give me space.
"We're gonna take a look around," Rick says. "Try to get a feel for how many people are in there. We like how it looks, we go in. A couple hours before dawn. The guards outstide'll be tired. Everyone inside'll be sleeping."
Rick pauses to read everyone's reaction before continuing, "We don't like what we see, we head back, make a new plan. They don't know who we are. We'll keep Jesus in the shadows. This is how we eat." Rick repeats, "This is how we eat."
He looks around before saying, "We roll out at midnight." and walking away.
I bounce my foot nervously as everyone dismisses, chewing on my bottom lip nervously.
I purse my lips and exhale before making my way over to Maggie, "I'm gonna stay with you." My voice accidentally comes out shaky and squeaky, not very "Adrian-like".
Maggie looks at me suspisciously before nodding, "Okay. That's fine."
I nod, "Cool." I pause for a second.
Be Adrian.
"I wasn't asking for permission, though."
My voice definitley still sounds not as confident as it normally does because Maggie barely reacts, she just nods. "I know."
I nod and walk away, letting out a sigh of relief.
God, you're such a pussy, not being able to kill Negan and his group to save yours?
Shut the fuck up. It's Negan. You ain't no pussy.
At midnight, the group heads out. Carol decided to stay with Maggie because she didn't know I was staying, but that's fine.
I don't know if I wish I went or not. Maybe if I went, and it was Negan, I could have saved him.
Maybe I could have saved him.
"Fuck." I mutter quietly.
Though, not quietly enough, because Maggie asks, "What?"
I clench my jaw and don't turn to face her, "Nothin'."
"Adrian-"
"Fuckin' nothin'. Jesus H. Christ some o' y'all don't know when to stop."
There you go, that's Adrian-like.
Maggie nods but doesn't walk away, instead, she stands next to me. "Glenn told me about...your past. Your boyfriend."
This makes me look at her, "What about it?"
"What he did...why you are-" She cuts herself off.
I don't get pissed, because I know it's true. "You don't have to stop. You-"
A sudden alarm blaring catches our attention. "The fuck was that?" I ask the obvious question.
Carol jogs over, "That's the compound."
"No fuckin' shit." I mumble.
Carol side eyes me before walking, "They're in trouble, stay here."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I can't kill Negan. Would I kill him for Daryl? Abraham? Damien? I can't kill Negan...can I?
"I'm going with you." Maggie says as Carol and I fast walk away.
"I said stay here." Carol demands.
"No." Maggie says.
"Damn it, Maggie." Carol stops and grabs Maggie's arm spinning her to face her.
"I have to." Maggie grumbles.
"No, you don't. You don't have to." Carol replies, harshly.
"Yes, I do." Maggie spits.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Carol asks.
I fidget nervously, looking from the sound of the alarm to Maggie and Carol, back and forth.
"What am I supposed to do?" Maggie asks.
"You're supposed to be someone else!" Carol almost yells.
It's quiet so I take this time to speak, "Okay, Maggie's pregnant, she's a grown woman and doesn't want to listen to you, boo-fuckin'-hoo! They're in trouble! Our husbands are in trouble! So we can either fuckin' go, or sit on daisies and wait for the Saviors to find us!"
Okay, then.
Maggie nods at me then looks back at Carol, "They need our help." A Walker suddenly growls behind her and she turns but Carol kills it instead.
"You are staying here." Carol orders.
It's silent for a moment before Carol aims her gun behind Maggie and I, we both quickly turn around and are face-to-face with a man holding a gun at us. Carol manages to shoot before he does, causing him to fall to the ground though he has a wound to the arm.
Maggie approaches him, "Damn it, Maggie, let's go!" Carol whisper-yells.
"Not until it's done." Maggie says, aiming the gun at the man's head.
"God fuckin' damn it, Carol! She's obviously not staying here you control freak! Just go-" My words stop as I feel a knife held to my throat.
"Drop it or she's dead!" The woman holding the knife to my throat orders.
My heart jumps in my throat and I clench my jaw, putting my hands up and grumbling quietly.
Two other people quickly put their guns to Carol and Maggie's head.
"They get the guns and I get the wet, cold ass, fuckin' knife?" I mumble.
"Shut up." The woman says from behind me.
"Don't tell me what to-OW!" I cry out as the woman kicks my knee in, causing me to kneel in front of her.
Don't say anything. Don't be a prideful bitch.
"Guns, knives on the ground right now." The woman orders.
I slowly grab my gun and dagger and lay them on the ground gently.
"Whip too." The woman orders.
"You said guns and knives-" I groan in pain as she punches me in the back of the head, causing me to fall to the ground. My vision goes blurry for a second after the force of the punch.
I groan in pain as my head throbs, "Fuckin' fine." I grab my whip and lay it on the ground.
Guess I ain't gotta kill Negan.