Trigger warning: Gambling and gambling addiction.
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The question sat unspoken on your tongue. You knew what you were doing was wrong and yet you couldn't stop yourself. You shifted in your spot on the couch for a fourth time trying to gather up the courage to ask.
Your boyfriend's eyes were glued to the latest anime the two of you had been watching. He was clueless about your antics. You sucked in a deep breath and called out his name. When he didn't respond, you called his name a little louder.
He snapped his head towards you with his big eyes and round cheeks. Even without meaning to, your boyfriend was attractive. You pushed away the thought and focused back on the task at hand.
"Can I ask for a favor?"
"What kind of favor?"
In the background, the characters in the anime continued fighting each other. Brightly colored hair flung around and over dramatic sound effects whirled. Fists flew and bodies bucked. Screams of despair from the hero and bouts of anger from the villain continued.
The anime reminded you of yourself. You were the hero and you were the villain. Always flipping back and forth between the two, a switch toggled, but it never flipped fully. You were reckless with life decisions. Messy without thinking things through. Acting in the heat of the moment without thinking about the effects.
"Can I borrow five-hundred dollars?"
"Huh?" Han's eyes widened in shock. "Five...hundred? What? Why?"
Your eyes met the ground. You felt pathetic. Your form of self-harm wasn't physically damaging your body. You didn't turn to substances to cope with things. You threw yourself into gambling instead. Every paycheck, you went through money like water. You were a pro at self-sabotaging.
You managed to keep just enough to make ends meet and then you'd blow the rest of it. Chasing the high of winning, you didn't know how to stop. The worst part? You were pretty decent at it. Whether it was making bets with your friends about small things or feeding freshly dispensed ATM cash into slot machines at the casino, you were good.
Lately, you had been on a winning streak. The cash was pooling in. Over and over again you won and each time, the dopamine rush was more intense than the last. You were seeing green, at least, until greed brought you to your knees.
You bet everything in the heat of the moment. You bet it all and within a few seconds, you lost everything. It was there and then it was gone. Even worse, you realized you hadn't put the money aside for your half of the rent. You were royally fucked and with no more money to bet to try and make some of it back, you were screwed.
You didn't leave the casino giddy with excitement. You didn't sprint to the front desk to redeem your money from the ticket in your hand happily. You didn't relish the fresh air outside with loaded pockets feeling unstoppable. You left with tears in your eyes and humiliation coursing through your veins.
"Five-hundred?" Han repeated again, completely baffled. He reached over, paused the show, and sat up. "Baby, why do you need five-hundred dollars? Did something happen?"
You could have lied. You could have said something went wrong with the payroll at work. You could have said the system broke and your paycheck would be delayed. You could have pretended your bank account was hacked. As you ran through the lies in your head, they made you feel even more grimy and worthless.
Heart taught with distress, you squeezed your eyes shut and balled your hands into fists. Your nails dug into your palms. This was your fault. You did this. You made your bed and now you'd have to lie in it.
"I really fucked up," you finally admitted. You stayed silent for a few moments. You weren't sure how Han would react to your admission of guilt. You let out a sigh before you opened your eyes and spoke again. "I think I have a problem."
"What kind of problem?" Han stretched forward. He laid down on his stomach and tucked his palms beneath his head. He tilted his head up to stare at you from his position. "Anything I can help with?"
"I might have gambled all my money away."
"You what?"
"I know it sounds bad." You were sheepish to speak. "I forgot to set aside rent money. I know it's no excuse, but it left my mind."
Han stared at you without a word. You were too afraid to glance over at him. Your eyes never left the floor.
"So the five-hundred dollars is to cover my half of the rent. I promise I'll pay you back!" You peeked over at him. Eyes filled with desperation, you hoped he'd understand. "I don't like asking you for assistance, but our landlord won't budge on the rent being due at the end of this week and I don't get paid until next week."
"Did you just start this or..." He trailed off.
"It's been happening for a few months. When I hang out with my friends, we go to the casinos and stuff. It was really fun and before I knew it, I was hooked on it. I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried."
"Of course, I'll cover your part of the rent."
Relief filled your veins.
"But."
"But?"
"But it sounds like this is a big issue. This was a pretty big incident that happened to you. What would happen if this occurs again and there's nobody there to help you?"
You frowned and shifted once more uncomfortably beneath the weight of his gaze. "Honestly, I never really thought about it. I think I might be obsessed with it. I live for the feeling of being a winner."
"Don't you think you should stop before you become a loser?"
Your face fell at his words. He scooted closer to you and scooped you up to his chest. You could barely breathe as his arms constricted around you.
"I don't mean it in a bad way, but this is concerning. I care about you and I don't want to see you lose everything. Do you understand where I'm coming from?"
You weakly nodded your head. He clutched to you tightly in the silence. The anime was still paused in the background. A fist froze in mid-air as it was ready to slam into the villain who stood with wide eyes of terror. His fingers found the ends of your hair and he began to twirl his fingers around it.
"Han?"
"Yes, baby?"
"I don't know if I'll be able to stop. I've been doing it for a while now. I thought I'd be able to give it up, but it's like an itch that won't go away."
He paused for a moment before he hummed. His tongue clicked while he thought about the situation. His fingers lazily tapped along your spine. You laid with your head on his chest. He sat sideways on the couch while he held you.
"I've heard that there are some therapists that specialize in therapy for gambling addicts."
The air was knocked from your lungs. You felt like you couldn't breathe. You stiffened in his arms at the words. Shame filled you once more. That's exactly what you were, you were an addict. This whole time you were afraid to label it, but that's what it was.
"Are you okay?"
"I feel pathetic."
"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay." Han clutched you tighter. "A lot of people struggle with addictions. It doesn't mean you're worth any less to me. If anything, I'm proud of you for coming to me with this problem. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem and you're right there."
"Your addiction doesn't define you," he continued. "We all struggle with a lot of different things. It can come in different varieties and all shapes and sizes. You don't have to be ashamed of something that's so normal."
"I don't think this is normal."
"Not for everyone, no. However, I'm sure there's thousands of people out there just like you. Some people are in denial and don't want to admit it. Others are afraid and some feel like they have nobody to turn to. Everyone has their reasons and I'm sure you have yours."
His words wrapped around you like a safety net. They eased some of your anxiety about the whole situation. You mumbled an apology for everything and he reassured you that it'd be okay. He stared at you with such love and admiration, even when you weren't paying attention to it.
"So how about we finish our anime and we can figure everything out after this episode?"
"You want to see who wins the battle, don't you?" A smirk began to appear on your face.
"Maybe just a little."
"You might want to watch, at least, the next two episodes."
"You already know what happens?"
"Nope, I'm just betting on the fight being cut early and something dramatic happening."
He stared at you unamused and despite the situation that had bloomed due to your actions, all you could do was laugh at your own word-play.