The spring holiday flew by the way holidays always do— the feeling as if you blinked and suddenly it was the end of the week and it was time to return home.
The Lupin family plus Aveline stood on platform 9 3/4 in front of the billowing train engine, bags in hand . Hope had decided to make the journey this time, the woman bundles up in a warm jacket despite the fact it was spring.
A melancholy seemed to be fused the particles in the air around them. Weighing down on their shoulders so deeply the explanation was nothing that could be understood by the mere human brain.
Remus clutched to his mother so tightly. Tighter then has ever squeezed her, as if was trying to hold her soul down from the sickness that was overtaking her.
Intuition is something even wizards couldn't explain. The magical phenomenon of knowing what the brain couldn't possibly know.
And as Remus Lupin stood on platform 9 3/4 clutching onto the woman who raised him and gave him life, his heart knew that this was more than the average goodbye of a parent sending their child back to school.
This moment would forever be ingrained in Remus's mind for the rest of his life, though he didn't know that yet. It would become one of those meteorites that played with the vivid detail of a movie in his mind — a moment he would wish he could go back to time and time again.
The sound of her voice, the feeling of her skin touching his cheek, the smell of the lotion she always wore so potent on her skin.
Part of him didn't want to go back to Hogwarts. Part of him just wanted to go back to Lupin cottage and spend as much possible time as he could asking his mother questions and listening to her careful breathe. He could finish school later, when the weight of the world didn't seem so heavy and his family wasn't falling apart by the seams.
Time— Remus Lupin hates fucking time. And the pain it brought and the agony it inflicted.
"Mum I love you," he choked, his voice breaking. "So so so much."
She patted him on the back gently, her eyes swimming with a love so deep it could only exist in mothers.
"I know you do my boy. Trust me that I know," she spoke gently, reaching out to clear a tear from, his face. "You know Remus, you were my greatest gift in this lifetime, and even if I had done nothing else with my life, being your mother would have been enough. I love you my boy, always always always."
At this point Remus wasn't even trying to hide his tears. Clutching his mothers hand as if it was his lifeline.
"Don't talk like that," the boy blubbered.
"Like what?" Hope answered delicately.
"L-like you're already gone."
"Oh my love," Hope sighed, gently pulling the boy back into her arms and whipping a tear from his face. "No matter what happens to me, I'll never be gone. That I can promise you. Now enough of this sadness, you go get on that train and you make your mother proud, okay?"
Remus nodded, though it didn't seem all that convincing. "What if I stay, and finish school in the fall, next year—"
Hope cut him off with a shake of her head and a gentle look in her eyes.
"My sweet boy you have a beautiful life to live infront of you. Graduation, a great group of friends—," her eyes darted to Aveline with a smile, "Aveline. You can't stop living on my account. You get on that train and you promise me, no matter what happens you finish school and you stick with that lovely group of friends of yours. Do you understand ?"
"Yes," Remus gulped, and with that Hope pulled away.
Tears formed in her eyes as if she was trying to take in every last detail of her son. The crook of his nose, every last messy hair that stuck up from his head.
For a moment they stayed just like that. Mother staring at son, son staring at mother. Both wishing they could rewind the clock, for even a couple hours more of each other time.
But this was reality.
So when Remus Lupin was ready, he told his mother he loved her one last time, then turned his back and walked towards the train.
______
It happened sooner than anyone expected.
A week had flown by of getting back into the usual rhythm and time of assignments and class. Library in the evening, walking the hallways with the type of confidence only seventh year brought.
James, Sirius, Peter and Aveline were sitting under a tree near the black lake. The sun bright, sky blue, the sound of students running on grass and gossiping in the courtyard filling ears.
It was one of those afternoons that despite their book bags full of assignments that needed to be done, and chapters that needed to be read, all they could do was laze out in the spring sun, procrastination in the back on their minds.
The sound of crunching grass underneath feet caused Aveline to look up. The sight of Remus Lupin walking towards them, a torn open parchment envelope clutched in his finger. His hair pulled to tuff on his head as if his fingers had racked through it one too many times. Crooked tie, untucked shirt— the walking embodiment of waking up late without time to grab a cup of coffee .
"Hey Moony," James greeted, his hand blocking the sun out of his eyes as he glanced up at the boy. "What have you been up—""
"My Mom's dead."
The heads of all four of the marauders sprang up as fast as humanly possibly without breaking necks. No one was faster then Aveline Rosier however, the girl practically catapulting her body off the ground and coming to a stand beside Remus so quickly that it looked like she had used magic to throw herself across the air.
Remus stood there, is jaw clenched and eyes wide and clear, his grip on the letter so tight it was like he was afraid it would blow away in the wind.
"Hope is gone?" Aveline confirmed gently, reached out and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.
The rest of the boys had stood up, gathering around Remus with timid expressions of pain and worry.
A nod from Remus confirmed Aveline's question. The boys mouth still tightly shut.
He didn't know what he was supposed to do, he didn't know where he was supposed to go, but all he knew like autopilot, his legs automatically took him to find his friends.
"Remus," James crocked. "Remus I'm so sorry man."
James reached forward, pulling the boy in for a hug so tight it was like was trying to bind them together on the molecular level, and remove the pain from his body— cell by cell, little by little.
"It's okay—" Remus started to say, but then he felt the presence of three other people joining the hug.
There he was, Suddenly enveloped in the arms of his four best friends, and the persona of toughness faded till it was replaced with a gut wrenching sob wracking his chest. James pulled him tighter, rubbing his back and holding the boy as his legs threatened to give out from under him.
None of them new what to say— there were no words they could string together that could ever even begin to heal the wound festering in Remus's soul.
What can you say, when the world is unfair and a boy loses his mother far to young ?
That's a wound in the chest that even time will never heal. The longing for the comfort of her hugs will always linger, the aching for her advice and strong voice will never disappear. He'll spend the rest of his life chasing cookie recipes that just don't taste the same as hers, and crying himself to sleep at night when his mother isn't just a phone call away.
Regret already tasted thick in his mouth, coating his whole body with the feeling of disgust.
He should've asked her more questions.
He should've asked her how to be— got her to write it down in a book framed with her penmanship and stained with the scent of her floral lotion. So if he ever forgets the words of her lessons and careful advice he could go back into her mind and study every syllable like she was Jesus and he was a loyal disciple.
He should've kept every scrap of her that he was lucky enough to have in this lifetime. Every grocery store receipt, where she hastily doodled meadows of flowers on the back. Every scrap of paper where she signed her name— Hope Lupin with its swoopy letters and charming slant.
He should've never blew her off when she asked to spend time with him as a kid. He should have never opted for nights spend alone in his room with a book in his hand, rather then sitting at the kitchen table with her — a deck of cards between them, the air coated in sweet laughter.
Where was she? He already felt himself wonder.
Remus has never been a particular believer in the spiritual aspects of life despite growing up surrounded by magic and the impossible. He'd scoff when Aveline and Sirius would get into those late night discussions of heaven and the otherside. An atheist by nature, he looked at the stars in the sky at night and saw nothing but burning carbon.
But now as grief took of his body and soul tried to reach for someone who wasn't on the plane of the living, the only though that ran through his brain was—
She couldn't just be gone.
Hope Lupin with her kindness, her compassion, the glitter behind her eyes that was more than firing synapses and a beating heart— was not gone. She was more than a mind, a body, a heart, human flesh— she was spirit, she was air, she was fire, she was water, she was the ticking of the universe, the pull of every natural force and energy.
She had to be more , Remus kept telling himself and for the first time in his life he felt the urge to call up to a God he did not know and beg him too send a sign that life was more then the arrangement of flesh and the pumping of plasma and cells through veins.
"Let it out buddy," James whispered gently. "It's okay mate, we got you."
Remus felt the clasp of Aveline's hand around his arm, her thumb circling little pictures gently. His mind for a moment, focused on her soft touch and nothing more.
Slowly, his friends pulled away. Words were coming out of their mouths but he didn't hear— his senses muffled like a fish under water.
He nodded his head, pretending to hear them as he clenched his eyes shut to stop the tears. He felt himself titling his head up towards the sky, feeling the warm light on his face as he allowed his eyes to flicker open.
Maybe he was imagining it, or maybe it was pure delusion, but the sky seemed to glitter a little extra in that moment. The clouds taken on a shape so whispy they were almost golden.
"Say," Sirius began, his voice full of confusion. This time Remus did listen, the boys voice hitting his ears rather loudly. "Is that a dove?"
He was pointing his finger in the sky, where sure enough a beautiful white bird was soaring through the air. The little creature was flying upwards, head tilted to the heavens as it soared in the whispy clouds of golden light.
Remus's eyes were glued to the sight, unable to remove his gaze as if it was an electromagnetic field pulling him in helplessly.
His friends had a similar reaction, and all five stood shoulder to shoulder, watching the bird fly up higher and higher till it turned into nothing but a faded white blur amongst the sky.
Remus held onto that sight as long as his eyes could strain— to the point the image was tattooed at the forefront of his frontal lobe. He dared not blink, he dared not look away.
When the sky flickered and he finally lost sight of the bird, Remus Lupin was sure of one thing:
Hope Lupin wasn't just gone.