I got into law school. Yay. I finally opened the letters over break once I reached peak boredom, along with my parent's constant hounding. I didn't have any top choices, but I was accepted to two out of the five. The two most local ones so I guess that was a sign for me to not pack up and move across the country. Unfortunately. I still haven't decided if I wanted to accept or not. I could always just change my mind, move back to my parent's, and be deemed the family failure. They'd probably kick me out after a few weeks. Okay, they most likely wouldn't, but the possibility was always there.
I deleted my social media accounts because there was no point in torturing myself. I'd rather not see everyone live their best lives while I was stuck here, isolated, and wallowing. I think there was only one day I didn't end up in tears, thus causing me to fall sick. How did that happen? No idea but all I knew was that I felt like shit and was congested as hell. School was beginning again tomorrow, and I accomplished nothing but be miserable. Jongin stopped trying to contact me after a few tries. He fervently apologized through text messages, but I refused to respond. I was still angry with him. I never thought I would ever be angry with him but what he said really struck a nerve I guess. I was nervous he would start reaching out again. I wasn't ready to talk to him. I just needed more time.
From: Unknown [18:14]
Hey
Busy?
My heart started pounding. After I sent him that message cancelling on him, he asked if everything was okay, but I didn't respond. It made me wonder if he felt some type of way about it. Either way, I wasn't ready to talk to him either. I just wasn't in the mood. I was filled with so many emotions, I was afraid I would break down in tears in front of him and that was the last thing I needed. That's not the reason he hits me up. I set my phone aside without responding, knowing he wouldn't follow up. The sad thoughts came back and I popped open a bottle of wine, not bothering with the glass. Probably not the best idea considering I had class the next morning, but I really didn't give a fuck.
I skipped my classes. I wasn't in the right mindset. I stayed in bed until five in the evening and contemplated if I wanted to skip again. The urge was strong. I had a migraine, so I forced myself out of bed to get medicine. But I knew I had to eat first or else I would vomit. Nothing in my refrigerator enticed me so I opted to order out. Strangely enough I was actually craving a burger. I would usually order from Sunset but a certain someone got me hooked on Mirage. Just as I completed the order, a text message popped up on my screen from Jongin.
From: Jongin [17:18]
Hey, I know you don't want to talk to me and you're probably still pissed but I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you the way I did.
You're right, you've gone through enough and it was fucked up for me to ask you to "fix" Sehun
You have your own shit to deal with and he has to deal with the consequences of his actions.
If it means anything, I spoke to him over break. He'll be alright.
I just want you to be alright too.
Again, I'm really sorry and I hope you can forgive me.
I love you.
Damn it Jongin. Ugh. I really have a soft spot for him. He honestly didn't mean any harm. Maybe I was just exhausted from being so mad over break, maybe I was just tired of losing friends, but through the tears, I typed back my response.
To: Jongin [17:20]
Thanks
I'll be Alright
I love you too.
Getting back to functioning was slow. It was Friday and I was only feeling slightly better. Even after forgiving Jongin and meeting up with him and Jessi multiple times over the week, it still felt like I had a hole in my chest. It was clear Jongin told Jessi what happened because when she saw me, she gave me the biggest, warmest hug that almost brought me to tears. I didn't realize how touch starved I was. Not even in a sexual way. Just having the closeness of another person. Receiving some type of affection that made me feel safe. That made me feel like there was someone out there that cared about me. Damn, it was a lonely spring break.
Jongin apologized one more time and that was that. We moved on fairly easily. They both spared me the details of their exciting trip, but I was glad they had a good time. They deserved it. I was actually really grateful for the two of them because if they didn't practically force me out of my apartment to "study" with them or grab a meal, I was sure everything I had been feeling over break would have crushed me. I'm not sure where they suddenly found the free time to hang out with me, but I was thankful. They even started a group chat with just the three of us where they constantly sent memes and videos that made me crack a smile, even if I didn't respond.
I saw Danielle for the first time in weeks. I was waiting for Jessi in the commons and the two of them walked in together. I immediately felt betrayal and was ready to be on defense, but Danielle only glanced in my direction before saying goodbye to Jessi and walking away. I was glad that was one less thing I had to deal with. I didn't think I had it within me to take on another battle.
Tuesday, the following week, any progress I thought I was making was almost reverted when I saw Chanyeol on campus and he walked right by me. Literally. If I were to have lifted my pinky, it would have grazed his hand. He could have not realized it was me but that was pretty unlikely. He wasn't on his phone or with anyone. He didn't even have his headphones on. Granted, he could have just been in his own world. I could have said something to grab his attention but I couldn't bring myself to. I knew it was all bound to come to an end at some point but it still was a bit jarring. I assumed we would just come to a mutual agreement and not just pretend as if we didn't know each other anymore. Maybe still be friends without the benefits part. I wasn't necessarily sad about it, but it felt...strange.
"Hello? Brooke? Anyone home?" My attention snapped back to Jessi. It was Thursday, seven days into April. Time was winding down quickly and it just seemed as if things were getting more and more busy. It was crunch time and I was doing my very best to keep up. However, as always, it was reaching a point where it was becoming too much. Taking breaks did not grant me any reprieve. My distractions were not distracting enough. I still constantly thought about my papers, thesis, other projects, pre-final quizzes that seemed like full exams themselves, and actual finals. On top of that, I submitted my acceptance and payment for law school which just made me feel like throwing up. My parents had kept pestering me about it and the deadlines were approaching and if I had to keep thinking about it, I would have thrown myself out of the window. At least it was one less thing on my plate. What was two more years of suffering?
"Sorry, what did you say?" I finally returned my attention to the two people sitting across from me. Jessi had asked me to meet her and Jackson for lunch between classes. I had no appetite. I hadn't had one since before spring break. I'm certain I dropped a few pounds since.
"You've been zoned out. You okay?" There was no way I was about to tell her it was because Chanyeol had walked in fifteen minutes ago with Yixing and they were only a few tables away. I wasn't going to tell her that I was fixated on watching the girl beside him lean against him while stroking his hair. I wasn't going to tell her that the only thing on my mind at the moment was what Jongin said about Chanyeol before break and how he fucked around and how I now wanted to know more about how many girls he fucked around with and how he found the time and who they were. But I had to stop myself. That was none of my business. It never was.
"I was just thinking about my thesis." Seemed plausible enough and they bought it.
"Ugh, don't remind me." She grimaced.
"Hey, at least it's almost over." Jackson said. "I can't wait to present and be done." Jessi and I agreed.
"So, I was thinking that the three of us and Jongin could go to the movies this weekend before things start to get super busy?" Jessi suggested. It was low-lift enough but I didn't know if I would be in the mood. The thought of it already made me queasy. But maybe it was the distraction I needed to keep me distracted and help me reset.
"Okay." I agreed, much to their surprise.
"Great, I'll put it in the group chat." Jessi lit up.
"What group chat? I thought it was just us and Jongin?" Jackson asked.
"Me, Jongin, and Brooke have a separate group chat."
"Ah, okay, I see." He said.
"Don't get jealous." She teased.
"I'm not-"
"What are you guys going to do after graduation?" Their banter was cute and everything but I let my intrusive thoughts win. I felt the hole expanding. The two looked at each other before looking back at me.
"Uh, well I'm starting pharmacy school in the fall so I'll be here." Jessi said.
"I'll be moving back home for a bit to save up for an apartment. The tech company I have been interning with offered me a job that I'm starting in July to give myself a bit of a break." Said Jackson.
"And what about your relationship?"
"Uh, I mean, we won't be far from each other. We'll still see each other a lot." Jackson said intertwining their fingers. I nodded.
"Why do you ask?" Jessi wondered, rightfully so. I shrugged because I honestly didn't know. It could have been jealousy that I had hoped college was where I would find my person or even people I could hold onto after it was all said and done. Or it could have been plain curiosity.
"Just wondering." I settled on. "I have to head to class." It was a lie and from their faces, they knew. They always left before I did.
"Brooke."
"I'll see you." I gave them weak smiles as I picked up my bag and walked away. Out of the building and right off campus.
Jessi and Jongin didn't let me back out of the movies. Even though I said I didn't feel like going, they showed up with Jackson at my apartment to watch movies anyway. And I was right. It was the distraction I needed to keep me distracted. For the weekend anyway. Monday, everything was back and I felt like a sloth again. The one thing that kept invading my mind was Chanyeol. I started to wonder if maybe he was just mad at me. It was strange, but he had every right to be. I ghosted him and he was supposed to be my friend. But that honestly didn't seem like him. He didn't seem like the type to get his feathers ruffled over some girl he fucks on occasion. After spending all day with my heart beating fast enough to make me feel faint, I decided to text him. If he ignored me, I would know that whatever we had was done. Our agreement wasn't meant for push and pull, there was nothing to fight for or work out. If one of us were done, then it was done. I just needed some type of closure.
To: Unknown [13:27]
Hey
From: Unknown [13:29]
Oh you're alive
Okay, that was quicker than I expected. Also, not sure if I would have rather him not respond. That stung a bit.
To: Unknown [13:29]
Lol sorry. Dealing with shit
From: Unknown [13:29]
All good?
To: Unknown [13:30]
As good as it can be I guess.
From: Unknown [13:30]
Cool
I gotta get back to working on my thesis.
Glad you're good though.
To: Unknown [13:30]
Thanks
Damn.
The days were getting more and more mundane and the hole in my chest lingered. I felt on edge all the time and it was starting to make me feel sick. Something definitely wasn't right. I didn't like this feeling and it felt as if I were spiraling. Now was not the time to spiral. I was so close to the end but I didn't have the will to get my work done. I didn't have the will to go to class. I barely had the will to get out of bed. my anxiety was through the roof and I just wanted to hide under my covers until graduation. But if I didn't get my shit together, I wouldn't make it to graduation.
It was Wednesday and I pushed myself to go to the library. If I stayed in my apartment, I definitely wouldn't have gotten anything done. I knew there was a low chance I would actually be able to focus, but at least the chance was there with the option of being in the library. There was zero chance at my apartment. On my way there, I almost turned back around when I saw Chanyeol. Yet again. I had been seeing him much too often for my liking. My racing heart finally stopped beating all together when he locked his gaze with mine. We were walking in opposite directions, and he kept his eyes on me as he approached. Then walked right by me. I thought I was going to collapse. It was wrong. All of this felt so wrong. That shouldn't have bothered me. I knew we were over. I closed that door on Monday after that text. I was sensitive. That was all. That was the only reason – what the fuck.
"I haven't seen you in a while." The warmer weather meant no jackets which meant that fucking jaguar tattoo was on full display. "Did you and your little boyfriend break-." I ran. I turned around and hauled ass back off campus. I couldn't do it. I knew he wouldn't chase me because that would draw suspicion and attention – more than I was already causing – and he didn't need that. I didn't stop running until I was safely off campus and practically sped walked until I reached my apartment where I actually collapsed.
I was surprised I was able to get the door open, but my keys dropped out of my trembling hands as soon as I walked past the threshold. I slipped my backpack off, shut the door and leaned against it before sliding myself down to the ground. My breathing was heavy, loud, and fast and fucking hell I was having a panic attack. I felt myself getting lightheaded before I could even try to tell myself to calm down. I knew I was going to pass out and that just made me panic more because passing out alone was scarier than the damn panic attack itself. I needed to ground myself but I was getting dizzy and I couldn't even think straight. I laid myself on the ground and felt something wet in my ears. I was crying. I tried to lift my hands to my face to wipe the tears away but I was shaking so bad I couldn't even control my limbs. My throat was constricting. I still couldn't get enough air in my lungs to expand them properly. Well, shit. My vision started to go black around the perimeter. I closed my eyes. Breathe...breathe...breathe...
When I came to, my apartment was dark. For a moment I thought I had gone blind. At least I was alive. That was good. I guess. My body felt weird. I guess that was the result of lack of oxygen and exhaustion. I needed to get to bed. I should probably eat something being as though my last "meal" was a bag of chips two days ago, but I didn't have the energy. I couldn't even fucking stand up. So I didn't. I just curled up on my side, right in front of my front door and closed my eyes again as the tears started to roll.
By Friday, I felt like an empty shell. I was on autopilot. I avoided Jessi and Jongin by telling them I was falling behind on my work. Whether they believed me or not, they gave me my space. I wasn't going to make it to the end of the semester if I didn't fix this.
To: Unknown [17:39]
You don't have to answer
I get if you're busy or if this has run its course
But can I borrow your dick for like, ten minutes?
I couldn't believe I reached this level of desperation. The longer I stared at the text, the more it didn't even make sense. Did I really think dick was going to solve my problems? I was officially losing my mind. This was just embarrassing. I wished I could just delete the message. I could just tell him never mind and he should ignore me, but doubling back would probably just make things worse. Great, now something else to add to my anxiety. He wasn't responding which could have been a good sign. I mean, it for sure let me know he was through with me and at least he wouldn't make fun of me if he just ignored me like he did on Wednesday. That stare sent shivers down my spine and not the good kind. It was like he was looking right through me but into my soul at the same time. Did he hate me? I shook those thoughts out of my head and went to my kitchen to find something to eat. I learned my lesson.
Four hours later and there was still no response from Chanyeol. The more I thought about it, I realized that it wasn't the sex that made me text him. It was the familiarity. Through all the bullshit that had been going on since the last semester, Chanyeol was the only thing that stayed constant. He was there for sex, and even comfort when I needed it. I wasn't fixated on how shitty my life was when he was around. He was who helped me escape the mess in my head and with him gone, there was no escaping. That's why everything kept building and building and building until I popped. He had been keeping me grounded and I needed that now more than ever. Crazy how the subconscious works. Well, that didn't matter. I needed to find something else to transfer all this fucked up energy into. Maybe I should start journaling...
The faint sound of knocking forced me to open my eyes. I picked up my phone to see that it was after midnight - what the hell?
From: Unknown [00:14]
Still up?
I never jumped from my bed so fast once my brain registered what I was reading. I turned on my lamp and nearly ran to my door and looked through the peephole. Sure enough, there he was. I pulled the door open and I was greeted with that devious smirk.
"Did I wake you?" That voice. I feel like I hadn't heard it in ages. Instant warmth spread throughout my body.
"What-." I cleared my throat. "What are you doing here?" He was dressed in jeans and a hoodie. His black hair was floofy and curly and with his glasses, he looked harmless. I knew better.
"I received a text from someone who apparently needed to borrow and appendage?" He said. Embarrassment washed over me again.
"Right, um-." He tugged me toward him by my shirt and wrapped his large hand around my nape as he joined his lips with mine. Shit. My mind went blank. He backed me into my apartment and shut the door behind him. He was a great multitasker because he managed to kick off his shoes and guide me to my room all while kissing me senseless. He was now on top of me, legs slotted together while he moved his kisses to my neck.
"It's been...a rough...week?" He said between wet sucks.
"Understatement." I breathed, biting my lip as he latched on to the spot right under my jaw. He didn't suck hard enough to leave marks, instead just placed wet kisses. I gripped his hair and brought him back to my lips. He was making me weak. He left my lips and moved to my ear, whispering low and hot as he started to slowly grind against me.
"How do you want it?" My mouth was open, but nothing was coming out. The wires in my brain were effectively disconnected. "Hm? Use your words." He tugged on my earlobe with his teeth before sucking it into his mouth. His hips kept moving. His mouth kept moving. I was clutching onto his shoulders for dear life as my head started to spin. "How do you want me...to fuck you?" Why was he still talking? "Fast or slow?" His hand found its way under my shirt, caressing my skin. Leaving fires with each lingering touch. He moved to the other ear. "Do you want to be on your back...or your knees?" I felt my breath start to quicken. The excitement built in my stomach. It had clearly been too long because I was getting close, but I needed more. "Or do you just want me to play with your pussy until you can't take it anymore?" Just the thought made me whimper before I could stop myself. His deep chuckle made me shiver. He eased up a bit and slipped a hand into my shorts, past my panties, making me jerk involuntarily once his fingers reached their destination. "I didn't know you needed me this badly." I felt him grinning against my cheek like the demon he is as he continued to play with my clit. I couldn't think straight. I still didn't grasp the fact that he was here. If my mind wasn't so hazy I would have thought I conjured him up because I've clearly been in denial that he's real so he's obviously a figment of my imagination because he's too perfect and I can't have nice things. "You're...so...wet." And that was it for me. My back arched off the bed as electricity zipped throughout my body. He continued to move his fingers and kiss me through it until I could breathe again. He removed his hand and gave me one last kiss before sitting back on his knees. He was breathing just as heavily. Hair messy and lips wet and swollen, eyes slightly glazed over. I don't even remember him taking off his glasses but they were no longer on his face. He yanked off his hoodie, and whatever was under it, in one motion, allowing it to drop on the floor. His jeans and briefs were next, revealing his hard dick that was standing tall and ready to go. He smirked, seeing what I was staring at and was back on top of me. It was uncomfortably wet in my shorts so I was glad to say the least when he pulled them off along with my panties. He kissed up my stomach to my chest as he pushed my shirt off. "Tell me what you want." Again with the damn talking. He wasn't making it very easy to respond by the way he was kissing me.
"I want you...to fuck me." I sucked on his lips and teased his bottom one with my teeth.
"Yes ma'am." He pulled off and flipped me on my stomach. My drawer opened and I heard the rustling of the condom packet. Soon, he pushed one of my knees up and lifted my hips a bit from the bed. He teased me with the head of his dick until I was pushing back to get him inside. He finally took the hint and ever so slowly pushed in. My eyes started to cross. It definitely had been too long. "Breathe baby." I heard in my ear. I didn't realize I stopped. He was fully inside and not moving. I clenched around him and he let out a low hum in understanding. Just as slow as he pushed in, he pulled out. He repeated this action, going deeper each time. I was clutching the sheets and biting my pillow so I wouldn't outright scream. The sounds leaving my mouth already spurred him on enough to pick up the pace. He found my sweet spot and I felt the pressure building again. I was so close. He stopped. He didn't slow down. He stopped. I was finally knocked back to my senses.
"Ch-Chanyeol...what..." I couldn't find my words.
"You said...ten minutes." He breathed. I rolled my eyes and dropped my face in the pillow. He chuckled. As he kissed my shoulder. He started up again with insanely slow strokes. I couldn't be mad though because it felt so good with his hips moving in waves. I felt weightless. He pushed deeper then finally sped up again. I called out his name as he pounded into me, shaking the bed. I came with a loud, broken moan. It took him a few more strokes to follow behind. He pulled out and tied the condom off. I lay still, not having the energy to move. The knots that had been in my stomach prior to his arrival have been detangled. I felt good. "Damn." He said, settling on his side. I giggled and turned my head so I was facing him.
"You sure know how to fuck a girl into oblivion."
"You ask, I deliver. It's a gift." He shrugged. I laughed then met his gaze. The way he was looking at me sent shivers down my spine. Like he was ready to devour me again. But first I had questions. So many, but I didn't know what to ask first. I could have just let it go because it didn't matter. He was here. Even if it was the last time.
"Are you mad at me?" I practically whispered. My heartrate shot up. I watched his expression soften and I felt sick.
"No." His voice was as quiet as mine. He looked as if he wanted to say more but didn't.
"I'm sorry." It just felt like I needed to apologize. His eyebrows furrowed a bit. I wished he would look away. I wanted to look away but he was drawing me in. "Just got overwhelmed with some stuff." If I said more I was sure I would break down so I fought with all of my might to keep those thoughts and feelings locked away.
"It's okay." He said. His hand slid in mine, "We're good." He smiled. The hole in my chest was still there but I felt a warmth that had been missing for a while.
"How many more minutes do I have left?"
As much as I wanted to say Chanyeol dicking me down fixed everything, I needed to be realistic. I did feel better though. I was also right about him being a drug. I just needed one hit for my brain to recalibrate. It was almost like the past few weeks was just me going through withdrawal and now that I got my fix, things were getting back to normal. I was giving him too much credit, but that's the only reasonable explanation I had.
Tuesday afternoon, he asked to come over to study with me. Chanyeol was straight forward so I knew if he just wanted to have sex, he would just say so. I agreed and within the hour, he was sprawled out on my floor, headphones on, and lost in his work. I sat on my couch working on my paper. It was...nice. After a few hours, he asked if he could play a few things for me and asked my opinion. I had no technical feedback for him, the most I could do was tell him if I liked it or not, and that seemed to be enough for him. It was almost eight o'clock when he abruptly got up and said he would be right back. He left my apartment and returned a few minutes later with pizza.
I didn't see him for two days but he was back to sending me random memes or videos. On Friday, he wanted to come over again but I told him I was in the library. Fifteen minutes later, he was sitting across from me with his laptop open and headphones on. He didn't say anything for hours. A little while later, he was fiddling with a piece of paper and bobbing his head along to whatever was playing in his headphones. Every once in a while, his hands would move to his laptop and he would click things here and there before returning to the paper. I don't know why I was watching him so much. His presence was just distracting. I had asked him what he was working on, and he claimed to not have anything to do or study for which I still didn't understand since he was double majoring with a minor. I tore my gaze away from him and focused back on my notes. A few minutes later, something landed on top of my notes. It was a paper flower. I looked up at Chanyeol, he was leaned over with his head resting in his palm. Bored expression on his face while his other hand traced random patterns on the table.
"Done yet?" So that's why he stayed.
"I really have to study Chanyeol." I said. He frowned. "How come you don't have anything to do? You seem pretty free for someone who's double majoring." He shrugged and sat up straight with a sigh, leaning back in his seat.
"Took AP classes in high school, tested out of some classes, took summer classes every year except for this past one to stay ahead, so now I'm not taking any heavy classes. Just chilling." I just blinked at him then nodded. "So, study break?"
"Chanyeol-."
"I'll help you finish studying later."
"How are you supposed to help me study?"
"I dunno. Quiz you or something?" I deadpanned. A sly grin came on his face as he leaned in, folding his arms on the table. "There was actually this one video I saw where-." I stopped him before he started.
"We are not playing out some scenario you saw in porn."
"Orgasm denial is a great motivator."
"Oh good grief." I put my face in my hands and he chuckled. "Don't you have other people to bother?" I said, focusing on him again.
"Yeah." I waited for a follow-up but there was none. He just blinked back at me. "Come on." He shut his laptop. "I know you weren't even really studying anymore anyway."
"I was." I defended.
"You were staring at me for fifteen minutes before I "interrupted" you." I couldn't even argue because he was right. I slowly packed my things. He tried and failed to hide the victorious grin on his face. I rolled my eyes at him but followed him out of the library anyway.