Butters was only out for about twenty seconds, awake almost as soon as Kenny set him down on the couch. He jolted up in a panic before he remembered where he was, his eyes falling on Kenny tending to his injuries in front of him.
"S-Sorry 'bout that.." Butters murmured as Kenny pressed a warm rag to the gash above his eyebrow. Someone had hit him so hard that it busted his face open. Kenny couldn't speak from how hard he was gritting his teeth together as he soaked up the blood. He was finding a way to blame himself, yet again.
As the silence built tension between them, Butters' eyes started to well up with tears, prompting Kenny to stop what he was doing and finally look him in the face again. All it did was make him more angry though, he knew that this had happened because of him; Kenny threw the rag onto Leo's lap as he took to pacing around the living room, his fingers raking through his hair with every anxious step he took. It didn't help though, and despite Karen being upstairs, he decided he needed a cigarette right then. He hated seeing Butters this upset, yet at the same time, he didn't want to care about a liar.
Sitting on the opposite couch from Butters now, Kenny's leg bounced up and down as he sucked down his cigarette. He was trying to think of something to say, but what was he supposed to say? Was he the one who was supposed to start this conversation? He felt like he couldn't be the one, he would say something he might regret.
"Ken, are you ok?" The soft voice seemed to calm Kenny's nerves as he finished his third cigarette in five minutes, smashing the remains into the ashtray on the table in front of him. Butters instinctively flinched at the movement. "That was a stupid question wasn't it.."
Shaking his head in disbelief at the kind boy in front of him, Kenny chuckled dryly. He was starting to realize that Butters was terrified, and if he was guilty of spying for the Mob, Kenny didn't think he'd be acting like this. "Leo.. you're just as much of a victim as I am, aren't you?"
It wasn't what Butters expected him to say. He had been fully prepared for Kenny to rightfully cuss him out before he had the chance to explain himself, but once again, he surprised him. "I- yes."
"Well then, tell me your side." Kenny responded coolly, his hands clasped together in front of him with anticipation.
His expression was unreadable to Butters, but he took a deep breath in, and continued anyway: "When I got home with the car, my parents were furious and my father.. well, he always thinks it's best to beat insubordination outta ya." Kenny cringed at this, understanding the scars that he had seen before. "Yeah.. my parents are part of the Irish Mob, and we moved here to spy on you, and I guess conquer South Park. Um, the Cartel has been running things here for a few years, so I'm guessing they want the turf."
Before Butters could continue, Kenny held a finger up and went into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee - he was gonna need it for all the shit he was about to listen to. Once he was back in front of Butters, Kenny was ready for him to continue: "My parents have tried to force me to be part of the Mob since I can remember. You were the first official assignment I was given.. and I couldn't do it. They'll see me as a traitor if they find out."
"Couldn't do what?" Kenny interrupted, flinching slightly as the coffee machine beeped. He was too on edge for any other noise. "What do they want with me?"
Biting his thumb nail for a minute, Leo looked sad. "I couldn't stalk you and report on your life, Ken. They told me that you were a notorious gang member who would kill anyone without hesitation.. but the more interactions I had with you, the more I saw the bullcrap my parents were filling my head with. They've lied to me about nearly everything in my life, but Eric-"
"Cartman." Interjecting once again, but for good reason this time, Kenny had to let him know where he stood with Cartman. "We call him Cartman. He doesn't deserve the respect of a first name, Leo."
Butters nodded along with this, his light blue eyes clouding over slightly. "He's my cousin. He's the whole reason we're here." Kenny wasn't as surprised as Leo expected him to be, his face remaining unreadable as he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the couch. "Cartman wants to torture you as much as possible, and conquer South Park. I'm sure that's not surprising, he's the biggest jerk in the universe. Worse than my dad."
"I see.." Kenny scanned over the face in front of him, Leo's eyes were sincere and he remained calm as he explained everything. Even if he didn't have intense feelings for Butters, he would've believed him. He could feel that he was telling the truth. "I believe you."
"I-I didn't even get to explain everything yet!" Leo's voice squeaked slightly at the end, pulling the edges of Kenny's lips into a grin. With his face now a light pink, Butters huffed to continue, and avoided his eyes. "Stop looking at me like that.. Anyway, I found out on my own the other night that they want to take down the Cartel."
Thinking back to which night he was possibly referring to, Kenny realized that he was missing something. "Wait, what night? What happened?"
"The night you got shot." Butters paused as he shuddered slightly. "After you woke up and left, I waited for a few minutes - well, more like I was frozen." Kenny scowled at this, looking down at his hands in guilt. "..'Bout five minutes later, the two Mob guys that came with us from Boston were there again, standing over the body of a Cartel member. It was like nothing happened."
Things reset like that after I've died? Is that the case every time? Kenny wondered, irritated with the fact that he still knew nothing about how his curse worked. It was like every week he was learning something new about his own reality.
"Okay, well that's- Wait, so the scene reset.. is that why you were trying to get me away from your house?" He hadn't originally considered that there was another reason that Butters was trying to get him away, though it was making more sense now. Kenny would've figured out eventually that it was his parents, but if he had stayed around for the scene to reset, he could've been trapped in a death loop
"Uh, yeah." He looked off to the side at the floor, beginning to gnaw on his bottom lip. "How did ya get from your house to the jail so fast?"
Still not used to the concept that someone remembered that he died, Kenny took a moment to even remember what he was referring to. This wasn't something he had wanted to talk to Butters about though. "You're not gonna like my answer." Seemingly already used to his bullshit, Butters shrugged, prompting him to continue: "I was upset when I got home, uh, Kyle found me in the backyard and started to push me on what was going on. I told him, once again, that I can't die, and he just couldn't grasp it. I got tired so I.. I went inside and shot myself."
"Kenny! Why-" Butters was on his feet as the words were flying out, only to be cut off by Kenny pulling him back down, but next to him this time.
Trying to make someone understand everything that was going on in his mind was impossible. He had been immortal for his entire life (basically), and he couldn't even begin to try to explain the toll it had taken on his mental health; in fact, Kenny tried not to think about it too much himself. It was the thing he liked to bury the most.
"I was hurt, Leo." Kenny's voice broke a little as he lowered his head in shame. It wasn't the first time he had done it, and it probably wouldn't be the last. "Immortality is exhausting and it doesn't make sense. I woke up in prison where my mom is."
The next few minutes consisted of Kenny having to explain the worst years of his life to the boy he was falling in love with. He was surprised to learn that Butters' parents hadn't told him anything about his life, and what they did to his parents. They had been more than selective with what they chose to tell Leo, and of course, since it was one of the worst things he had ever done, Leo knew about him beating Cartman almost to death - though that didn't seem to bother him.
Would we even be here if I didn't force him to know me?
Now that things seemed to be a bit more clear between them, Kenny was feeling more relaxed. He trusted Butters, more than he had before actually, but he was still keeping his guard up. There were still some things that were bothering Kenny, and although they were able to openly discuss their lives, he didn't know how many more questions he was allowed to ask.
They were sitting on the back porch now as Kenny smoked a cigarette, and continued to wonder about the amazing boy sitting next to him. Butters had shifted the conversation to how his parents had forced him into tap dancing as a child as part of some underground operation he still didn't understand; Kenny couldn't focus on what he was saying though, he could only study every millimeter of him. His favorite color seemed to be light blue - Leo was almost always wearing the color - and he liked just the smallest amount of styling gel in his hair. Kenny thought he didn't need any, his hair was just as perfect as his shy smile.
"Uh, Ken, can ya stop starin' at me?" Leo had stopped talking a few seconds before when he noticed the taller boy fixated on him, it was making him insanely nervous, especially since Kenny still wouldn't look away. "Is it the scar on my eye?"
More than a little curious to learn how he hadn't lost his left eye, Kenny raised an eyebrow. "How'd it happen?"
"Er- Cartman. Threw a shuriken at me when we were eight, just for fun, I guess." He stared down at the burning cigarette between Kenny's fingers, a long piece of ash desperate to fall off and release with the wind. "Why do you smoke cigarettes?"
With Butters' aversion to weed and alcohol, Kenny had been waiting for this question since they met; he was always eyeing the way he was sucking down the things. Taking a last, long drag of the cigarette before he tossed it into the yard, Kenny replied: "'Cause it's not like it's gonna kill me."
He didn't receive a response to his bullshit answer, instead, Butters stood up shakily. "I-I have to go home." He was hesitating as he looked between the gate and Kenny, the scowl on his face growing deeper as he did so. "My parents still think I'm spying on you, but I hope you know that everything I told you was true.. I'll see you soon."
"Be safe, Leo." Was all Kenny could manage as they exchanged one final, sad smile.
Butters left through the side gate, that Kenny always seemed to forget about, and left him to smoke yet another cigarette. He hadn't been smoking much weed lately since he was hanging around Butters, and as he was about to take another drag of his nicotine, Kenny remembered that Craig was still passed out upstairs.
He knew better than to wake Craig up without any weed or nicotine, so he rolled a blunt in the living room, before sneaking up the stairs. Kenny felt a bit numb as he stood in front of his door again, biting at the inside of his cheeks as he thought about everything Butters had said to him. He was starting to wonder what he was even doing with Craig.
What do I do about him? Kenny thought as he closed his door behind him, and his eyes fell on the still figure in bed. We need each other.. but is this the right way?
Since there was only silence as he sat on the edge of the bed, Kenny assumed that Craig was still asleep - until he felt arms grab his chest. Before he could move, Craig was roughly throwing him back onto the bed, pinning him down with his hands on his wrists. He didn't fight back as he saw the dark look on Craig's eyes.
Craig blinked as he seemed to register that he had Kenny pinned down, and released his wrists, sitting back down on the bed. "S-Sorry, thought you were someone else.."
It was one of the few times Craig had ever apologized. Kenny had a feeling that he was having a nightmare when he came in, his raven hair was stuck to his forehead with dampness. Moving to sit next to Craig now, Kenny silently handed him the blunt he rolled.
Letting his mind fade back to his conversations with Butters for a moment, Kenny cherished every second he had spent with him. If things were really as bad as Leo said, he had a feeling that they might be running out of time. If his parents wanted Kenny dead, and they were only in South Park for him, what if they gave up and left?
He also couldn't seem to forget that earlier that week, Butters had seen Craig and him kiss, yet he hadn't said anything. So, if he doesn't seem to care.. why should I?
"Are you good?" Kenny finally responded after they passed the blunt back and forth several times.
Even in the dark, Craig hid his face from Kenny. "No.."
As much as he wanted to bring up his concerns about their relationship, Kenny couldn't bring himself to say anything as Craig curled himself in his lap. It wasn't a sexual need, like they had gotten used to, but he needed to be with someone.
While Kenny held him in his arms as he stared at the ceiling, he only thought of Butters, and if he would care about him and Craig. Regardless of their situation, Craig needed to stay with Kenny for the time being, but was it fair for him to continue pining after someone else? Damn, his head was starting to spin.
Moving Craig off of him now, Kenny took to pacing around the room, a habit he had picked up recently. In the last two weeks, Kenny had gone from being cool and collected, to anxious and confused. It all started spilling out with Butters, he couldn't deny that, but he also couldn't deny that it had been there all along. The answers he wanted weren't coming to him, despite how hard he was trying to find them.
Watching his friend pace around the room was interesting to Craig. He never would've told Kenny, but he had seen him and Butters talking outside for a while, and he couldn't forget the look on Kenny's face when they were talking. Craig knew better than anyone that it was painful to want someone who didn't notice they were wanted. He stayed silent though, finishing the blunt he was left with.
"Craig," Kenny had finally stopped pacing, and was now sitting down in front of him again. "I gotta talk to you about some shit."
Shrugging, Craig reached under the bed frame and pulled out a bottle of Fireball, handing it to Kenny. "Then we need to drink."
Taking a long swig to prepare for talking about his feelings with Craig of all people, Kenny didn't know how he was going to take it. "So, I know we talked about Butters just a few days ago and what it means for.. us. But, I've been feeling weird about it."
Surprisingly, Craig nodded along. "You feel like you're doin' something wrong?"
"Hmm," There was a pause as Kenny collected his feelings. "I guess I'm more confused than anything? He doesn't seem to feel the same about me, I think." He hesitated before he continued with the next part, expecting Craig to leave for a while after this. "I don't know if we should be doing this? Like, am I an asshole?"
Chuckling a bit louder than he normally would've, most likely because of the alcohol, Craig smacked his shoulder. "Dude, I don't think you're an asshole just 'cause you're as afraid to be vulnerable as I am." Shocked by his honesty, Kenny scoffed in disbelief. "Ken, seriously, you know it's true."
It might've been true, but he wasn't ready to hear it. Taking the bottle from his friend's hand, Kenny shook his head profusely. "So, you're saying the only reason we're hooking up is because we're too scared to be with them?"
"Yup." Craig deadpanned, taking the bottle back with a smirk.
Baffled by his change in demeanor, Kenny was reeling. "Who even are you right now? I've never heard you-"
"I don't want to be like my parents."
Oh. Kenny didn't know what to say to that. He never expected Craig to say something so heavy - it wasn't like him to be so deep. Although he was blindsided by this, Kenny knew his words did hold truth; he had known for a long time that he was scared to love someone, but for a friend to call him out on it, he was shaken.
The silence couldn't last forever though, as much as Kenny wanted it to. "Well," He breathed out heavily, running a hand down his face. "What should we do?"
Back to his unemotional state, Craig took a drink of the whiskey again. "I have no idea."
"Goddamnit, me either.." Kenny trailed off while he bit at his lower lip. Since they were already being vulnerable to each other, he had something else he needed to get off his chest. Craig could see he wanted to say more, and although just last week they were constantly fighting, he knew at this point that they trusted each other more than anyone else. As Kenny's eyes locked onto his, he let him know it was safe. "Craig.. I-I don't think I'm good enough for him."
They were almost the same. It had taken just about a decade for them to figure it out, but they finally realized how similar they were. This thought process was too familiar to Craig for him to deny that any longer. "I feel the same about Tweek." The stinging pain he always fought was grabbing at his chest when he looked at Kenny, and saw the same pain. "I don't think we can hide forever, man."
Why does Craig have to be right? He's never fucking right.. Kenny scowled at his thoughts as he subconsciously traced the new scar on his face. This conversation was starting to make him itchy, even with the liquor swimming through his blood, he wanted it to end. The timing wasn't right, that's what he was telling himself as he took to staring at Craig. He was the only other person, besides Leo, who knew him like this. Kenny knew he couldn't hurt him, either.
So, instead of continuing to dissect their relationship, and talk about whether or not to continue hurting themselves further, Kenny already made his decision - he was never going to tell Leo. If Craig ever decided to tell Tweek how he felt, Kenny would let go but for tonight, he was tackling him again, desperate to fill the void.