Dazai woke up at the rising sun, he slept beside Rubi's bed the night and as he woke up, the first thing he saw was Atsushi sitting next to her, and silently crying.
"Rubi-nee, wake up...we need you...Kyouka-chan is dead, Kunikida-san is dead, Poe-san is dead, Higuchi-san is dead. They are all dead...please...come back...don't you die as well...please..."
Dazai's throat constricted with something bitter and sticky as he heard Atsushi. He suddenly remembered Odasaku's words.
"𝐼𝑓 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑐𝑎𝑛'𝑡 𝑓𝑖𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑑𝑖𝑓𝑓𝑒𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑡𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝑑 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑏𝑎𝑑, 𝑏𝑒𝑐𝑜𝑚𝑒 𝑎 𝑔𝑜𝑜𝑑 ℎ𝑢𝑚𝑎𝑛. 𝑆𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑜𝑟𝑝ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑠, ℎ𝑒𝑙𝑝 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑝𝑒𝑜𝑝𝑙𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑."
'Why did I suddenly remember that?' He felt something burning in his eyes.
'𝐿𝑖𝑣𝑒 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑙, 𝐷𝑎𝑧𝑎𝑖. 𝑌𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑠𝑡 𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑡𝑛𝑒𝑟 𝐼 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒." 𝑇ℎ𝑜𝑠𝑒 𝑤𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝐾𝑢𝑛𝑖𝑘𝑖𝑑𝑎'𝑠 𝑤𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑠 𝑡𝑜 ℎ𝑖𝑚.
"𝑆𝑜 𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑦 𝑐𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑠𝑒𝑒 𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑓𝑓..." 𝐾𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑘𝑎 𝑠𝑚𝑖𝑙𝑒𝑑.
"𝐷𝑎𝑧𝑎𝑖-𝑠𝑎𝑛...𝑅𝑦𝑢𝑢𝑛𝑜𝑠𝑢𝑘𝑒...ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑘𝑠 𝑢𝑝𝑡𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎 𝑙𝑜𝑡." 𝐻𝑖𝑔𝑢𝑐ℎ𝑖 𝑠𝑎𝑖𝑑 𝑤𝑖𝑡ℎ 𝑑𝑖𝑓𝑓𝑖𝑐𝑢𝑙𝑡𝑦.
"𝑇𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑖𝑡 𝑚𝑢𝑠𝑡 ℎ𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑘𝑒𝑑 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝐼 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑤𝑎𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑎𝑛 𝑒𝑥𝑐𝑢𝑠𝑒. 𝑆𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑔𝑖𝑣𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑤𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑑𝑒𝑎."
"𝑀𝑒𝑛 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑚𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑒 ℎ𝑎𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑏𝑦 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑒."
"𝑊𝑒 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑡𝑤𝑜 𝑝𝑒𝑎𝑠 𝑖𝑛 𝑎 𝑝𝑜𝑑."
Dazai suddenly felt something warm slide down his cheeks. His heart felt like it was going to burst out.
There was a first time for everything, and for everything, that first time was the most dangerous. Dazai's heart had felt this constricted pain before. A lot of times.
Only that, he never got the chance to grieve. Neither did Atsushi. This was that first time.
Dazai wanted to scream and cry for the first time in a long while. He wanted to scream until his throat went sore. He wanted to cry until he couldn't cry anymore.
To hell with the fucking world. All he wanted was to find a reason to live. And he got it long ago, he just didn't realise it. Now when he did, it was too late.
He had a reason now, but at what cost?
It was never worth finding such a cost.
If this was the price to freedom from his pain, he would have never asked it, and would have ended everything a long time ago.
But he found people who became what he couldn't become himself, to him. He found people who would become something for him on his behalf.
And they were gone, many of them were gone. All that was left was the emptiness in the place of what they were to him.
The realisation finally hit Dazai. Again. Fully, with all its force. It had hit before. The impact of the waves just weren't hard enough and hadn't burst the dam yet.
He would never see those people again, not until he crosses the other side. There will never be another person to pat his head and say, "Become a good person."
No one would be there to yell at and say he needed his work to be done according to his schedule.
No one would call him with that small little voice of hers and want ice cream like that one girl did.
No one in this world would love Akutagawa like she. No one in this world can become them. No one in this world-
Dazai bit his hand to stop sobs from escaping, to not let the crying Atsushi know he was awake and listening.
Too much was happening. Rubi faced these before. The second time she faced these, she fainted. Now remains unconscious.
"𝑂𝑠𝑎𝑚𝑢, 𝐼 𝑑𝑜𝑛'𝑡 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑡𝑜 𝑒𝑛𝑑 𝑢𝑝 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑚𝑒."
Too late.
I fucked up. I became like you.
Dazai learned something new.
It was painful to realise someone loved you so much, but you were too late to love them back in return, even though you loved them just as much.
He couldn't even bite his hand too much in fear of making it bleed. That would not end well.
Tears pooled down from both of their eyes as Atsushi also muffled his sob as to not wake up the 'sleeping' Dazai. They cried silently, grieved silently for the past few days' lives lost.
Atsushi wiped his tears, and sniffed one last time, "I will be going now. Akutagawa and Ranpo-san are going to talk to Pieck and Porco."
Dazai quickly pretended to be asleep. Atsushi left the room. And he finally removed the hand holding his cries. His tears wet the pillow.
Was his heart hurting so much the mere mention of those deaths and someone else grieving had him in a wrecking mess?
It was.
_________________________________________
Ranpo entered in Fyodor's room.
'Fyodor, Nikolai, would you like to meet the titan shifters?" Ranpo asked with a neutral tone.
Neither Fyodor, nor Nikolai responded. Bertholdt remembered those named to be their actual names and spoke, "Eren-san, Uri-san. I guess he is talking to you two".
Fyodor, who was checking Reiner's wounds, glanced up to Ranpo, " Eh?"
Nikolai still didn't respond, all his concentration on tending to Annie's deep leg wound.
Ranpo suddenly felt a little overwhelmed. He never thought he would see them in such a position. But they had not been called by their original names for so long they forgot to respond to those names.
Maybe because those names had no meaning to them now. Fyodor spoke, "Uri, could you take care of the children?"
"Go ahead. I will do the rest."
"Thanks."
Fyodor walked towards Ranpo, "You wanted to talk?"
"I was asking if you want to meet the other titan shifters."
"As in?"
"The cart and armoured titan."
Fyodor's eyes sharpened. The others immediately went alert. Annie spoke with determination, "I am going too."
"All of us will go." Reiner knew what they were thinking.
One of the titan shifters was Porco Galliard. And they didn't have a good experience with him. Back then, none of them had known of him being a titan shifter.
"Why do you want us to come though?" Fyodor spoke. Ranpo looked at the now slightly bloody hospital floor, "Circumstances made us allies. You would need to know your situations here."
Fyodor nodded, the reason he even got involved in all of this was because of Frieda being the founding titan. The Paradis scientists were definitely still looking for them. Any potential threat had to be eliminated. That's what he would do in their place as well.
Fyodor and Nikolai themselves could survive, but the other three would need assistance. They couldn't leave the children behind.
Fyodor spoke, "You guys stay."
"No." Annie still remembered how Porco had knocked all of them out.
"Relax. I am not a weak person." Fyodor joked as he laughed slightly, "I know how to defend myself."
"I know that. We all do. It still worries us, you know." Reiner spoke up, being the sentimental person he was.
"Don't worry. I will be fine." Fyodor nodded, keeping his smile.
"So, you are coming?" asked Ranpo.
"Yes. Let's go."
"I am going with you. My injuries are not as bad as Reiner or Annie's." Bertholdt, who was quiet up until now, spoke up seriously.
Fyodor sighed, Ranpo smiled, "Alright."
"Ranpo-san!" Fyodor was slightly distraught.
"Let him come. I understand they will not be at ease unless one them comes with us."
"At least someone here is sensible." Nikolai sighed.
"You are one to talk." Fyodor jabbed.
"Shut up. I have wounds to treat. Go now."
Ranpo shook his head fondly, "To think you of all people would find people to call family."
Fyodor looked at him, and then smiled, "Right? It's such a miracle. But that's exactly why I am afraid."
Bertholdt walked towards him. Fyodor looked behind and saw him, along with the others, "I am afraid this miracle will be lost."
_________________________________________
Porco and Pieck, although we're still tied, were being treated well. Fyodor and Bertholdt entered with Ranpo. What they saw was Akutagawa and Dazai.
"You guys are here? Good. It's about time." Said Akutagawa.
"Oh?" Porco raised an eyebrow, "If it isn't the demon Fyodor Dostoevsky."
Fyodor's hands fisted into balls. Dazai coldly responded, "And? What if he is?"
Pieck laughed, "Nothing. I just didn't think he was such a softy. We have heard so much about him. But it looks like it was all talk."
"It wasn't all talk. I have faced him as an enemy and trust me, you wouldn't want him as one." Dazai said neutrally.
Fyodor smiled, "Dazai-kun, who would have thought we would end up as allies?"
"Only fate." Dazai said softly, he looked behind, "Porco Galliard and Pieck Finger, what do you have to say for yourselves? The rumbling has been stopped. Of course the Paradis scientists will not stay quiet. Do you guys want to continue this war? Your greatest card has been played and it failed."
"Did it fail though?" Said Pieck, "The rumbling might have failed, but you all have lost one too many things to be at ease."
Akutagawa knitted his eyebrows, "And it's you people's fault. Murdering and all."
"You guys are definitely not innocent in this aspect too. Don't you blabber about it." Porco said with cheek. The targetted man narrowed his eyes dangerously.
"Yeah yeah whatever." Ranpo lazed out, "So what you guys wanna do? We will be going to the Paradis scientists to negotiate with them. Do you wanna help us?"
"And why should we?"
Bertholdt spoke up, "They are treating you well. Isn't that the biggest proof we want a truce?"
"We are titan shifters. You need to treat us well. There is no point in making us bleed. And starvation would lead to worse things that a vampire would do in need of blood." Pieck lamented.
Fyodor closed his eyes, "I am sure you guys don't want it either. This much bloodshed."
"We don't..." Porco said softly.
"Armin..." Pieck mumbled to herself. But Ranpo, being the sharp eared guy listening to her every word, heard it.
"He wasn't in the rumbling. They need him for his spinal fluid to make titans." Ranpo responded coldly.
'This guy is too fucking smart.' Pieck felt herself be on guard. Ranpo held an immense resentment towards her for killing Poe.
"Do you want to hear it from Bram Stoker himself?" Dazai proposed.
"Why do you need our support so much?" Asked Porco.
"War is a stupid violence. Especially this one. We are all right here. What's the point of killing, if what we need is survival?" Akutagawa spoke with a cloudy look in his deep grey eyes.
"I can show you the progress happening in the lab by Hange-san." Said Ranpo.
"Wait." Fyodor spoke up, he came forward, "First of all, what exactly was the reason for titan cultivation? You guys could have killed as vampires as well. If every vampire in the island was released that would also do the job."
"Who wants to bear that guilt?" Porco yelled, "No one does. There's only so much a human can take. We are vampires but we are still humans. Titans are the only way Eldians don't have to get involved in it. We will only take the guilt ourselves. All the Eldians don't have to-"
"Porco!" Pieck shouted, "Stop saying so much."
"I see." Fyodor said with a melancholic smile, "I understand."
"The hell you do!" Porco shouted, his face ridden in agony, "You have killed dozens of thousands with no guilt at all. What do you mean you understand?"
Fyodor didn't get offended with those words, "I understand exactly because of that. Because genocide does not bring a permanent solution. I once thought it did." Fyodor continued after a pause, "Say, something happens to Yokohama, where will you guys go then? Commit another genocide with Titan or some other powers? How long will this go on?"
There was a loud silence in the room.
Dazai sighed, "See what I meant? Now, do you want to cooperate or not? None of us wants war. Please."
To the other two titan shifters, Fyodor's words were of point. But Dazai knew he was manipulating them to escape from the potential threat looming on Annie, Bertholdt and Reiner.
Pieck and Porco looked at each other, then Pieck nodded after a while, "Please let us see the progress."
A/N Some information. Fyodor and Nikolai are speaking to Reiner, Bertholdt and Annie in German. The rest of the characters are speaking to them in English, well, when they have to. And yes, Fyodor has been speaking informally to the three from the start, as he wanted himself to have a completely different identity to them. And by the time he actually starts speaking Japanese to the people in Yokohama, he starts speaking informally to them as well cuz he got the knack of it. However, it was never questioned by anyone, as they really...have bigger things to worry about. Just thought I would clear this out cuz Fyodor is actually really formal when speaking as seen in the canon story.