WARNING: This chapter contains depictions of suicide and suicidal thoughts.
What hurt Kenny the most was that Butters knew what was going on.
After he had seen him die again, he still looked him in the face and neglected to tell him the truth. It crushed Kenny. He was more furious with himself for dropping his guard, and letting Butters get close to him so quickly. God, he felt like the biggest idiot in the world.
His chest hurt as he closed the front door behind him, his heart thumping loudly in his ears while he stood in the hallway. Still in shock, Kenny numbly went to the backdoor, desperate for a cigarette. He had been thinking about quitting for Leo, however now, Kenny was about to smoke as many cigarettes as he could. At least it gave him a different feeling other than pain.
Chuckling to himself harshly as tears started to well up in his eyes, Kenny couldn't believe he had let someone manipulate and use him. Even though he didn't understand what Butters wanted from him, he didn't care anymore - he refused to be a puppet for someone else's agenda. And fuck, the longer he thought about Butters, the angrier he got.
The tears running down his cheeks were hot with fury, his fingers attempting to brush them away as fast as they were falling. He couldn't believe it, but somehow this hurt more than watching his parents get taken to prison. Kenny wanted to scream, he didn't know who he wanted to scream at anymore though.
Since he had texted Kyle a few minutes ago about heading home, he wasn't surprised as he heard the front door close. Staying in the back yard though, Kenny didn't want the gang to see him this upset. Craig, Stan and Kyle had all seen him at his worst recently however, this was beyond that. He couldn't control himself as he wrapped his arms around his legs, pulling them to his chest as sobs ripped through them.
"K-Ken?" Kyle's voice came out just above a whisper, as he stood at the back door, shocked as he saw his childhood best friend crumbling on the porch. "What's wrong?"
Despite knowing he could confide in Kyle, Kenny shook his head as he felt Kyle's arm comfortably around his shoulders. It just made everything seem worse, the sobs erupting from the hands that covered his face. "I.." How was he going to explain this? He already knew that Kyle wouldn't believe his immortality, so what was he supposed to say?
Even though he had been upset with Kenny earlier, Kyle forgot about it. Seeing him destroyed like this disturbed him to his core. "What happened with Butters?"
Chuckling dryly, he ran his hands down his face. "I don't know.. I don't really think you'll believe me, Ky."
"You won't know unless you try, I'm here for you, dude." Kyle reassured, confused by Kenny thinking this.
Thinking about it for a moment while he tried to slow his breathing, Kenny knew it wasn't Kyle's fault for not remembering his immortality. It didn't hurt to try again. "Ky, I've told you this before, but I die, all the time." Kyle chuckled in disbelief, only getting a glare in return. "When we went to Butters', I crossed the street and got hit by a car and died. And then.. when Butters decided he'd rather hang out at my house, I got suspicious and noticed the car that hit me was pulling into his driveway.."
Kyle didn't even blink as he tried to process everything, but Kenny wasn't done yet: "I-I remember the car didn't even try to brake before it hit me. Ky, I think Butters and his family are part of the Irish Mob.. and I think Butters was sent to spy on me. Or manipulate me, I don't fucking know."
Shaking his head at Kenny, Kyle was pale as he looked back to him. "Are you.. are you sure? This wasn't just a dream?"
It was the same every time. No matter how much they had been through together, and how much the boys claimed to trust him, it didn't seem to be enough for them to believe him when it came to the truth. He was regretting ever saying anything as Kyle was running his hands through his hair, his mouth agape. He seemed to be losing his shit worse than Kenny had just a moment ago.
Kenny was tired. He was tired of being hurt, he was tired of hurting other people, and he was tired of trying to make them understand. Between the look on Kyle's face, and Butters' betrayal, Kenny couldn't take it anymore. He stumbled back into the living room, and reached under the couch to pull out his pistol. Kyle was running through the back door, in what seemed like slow motion, as he noticed what he was doing; Kenny simply closed his eyes, lifted the barrel to his head and pulled the trigger.
Good night.
**
This time was different. He didn't see anything after the bullet went through his brain, only darkness surrounding him while he floated in nothingness. Kenny was content with this though, appreciating the peace of truly alone, and dead. It had been a long time since he killed himself, and although he generally wasn't suicidal, he found himself not upset by the prospect that this could be permanent.
It couldn't be that easy for Kenny unfortunately. His vision was blinded by a bright, white light, his hands attempting to block it from overtaking him, only for him to be pulled by the wrists to somewhere else. He was on his feet suddenly, falling against a metal table behind him. Squinting at the LED lights above, Kenny's ears tuned into the noise around him, and he realized that he was in a place he did not want to be.
He was in the visitation center of the Park County Prison. Alone in a small room with multiple tables, Kenny was confused how he ended up in such a secure area. Before he could question things further, a tall man entered the room, dressed in a security guard uniform. Motioning for Kenny to follow him, he complied with curiosity. This had happened once before a couple of years ago, but at the time it seemed like a fluke caused by a child being afraid to survive on their own in the world. Now that he was here again, Kenny was starting to consider whether his mental state affected how he came back.
The guard stopped at a doorway silently, pointing into the room when Kenny only looked at him, still confused from what was going on. Once he entered the area, his eyes landed on his mother, awaiting him on the other side of the glass. It had been years since he had seen her at this point, he hadn't bothered to see her after the last visit they had where she managed to blame him for everything. She didn't look good though, Kenny noted, the bags under her eyes darker than before, and she seemed to have lost too much weight, her collarbones poking through the fabric of her jumper.
She was just as shocked to see Kenny, her dead eyes sparking for a moment. He didn't know whether he should bother talking to her, but the fact that she had come to see him, Kenny sat down on the metal stool and picked up the phone. She immediately picked up the phone too, tears starting to well up in her eyes.
"Kenny," She whispered as she placed a hand on the glass, her skin almost the same color as the blinding lights. "What are you doing here?"
It was a good question for reasons she didn't understand. They never had a good relationship, Carol only seemingly cared about Kenny when he died; with all of this in mind, he was at least comforted by the fact that she couldn't possibly be disappointed in him. "I don't know.. I had a really bad day. I woke up here."
As the one who had given birth to him, and buried him, countless times, Carol knew what that meant. They had never outwardly talked about it, but Kenny thought it always made sense that his Mother would know - he was right to assume. She was still quiet though, picking at her nails as she looked at the other inmates in visitation around them.
"How are Karen and Kevin?" She finally said, biting at her thumbnail.
He rolled his eyes at her avoidance. "They're good." Kenny sighed as he ran a hand through his hair as he realized that he could ask her anything he wanted. "Why is the Irish Mob in South Park?"
Carol gasped slightly, covering her mouth as she recognized what she did, eyeing some of the other women around her. "Ken, have they talked to you? Have they done anything to Karen? I-"
"They've just killed me, they don't bother Karen." Kenny cut her off, not having the patience for her obvious favoritism. "What do they want?"
He could see that she didn't want to tell him a damn thing, but as he glared at her with unwavering determination, she started talking: "They want South Park, and I think your.. abilities."
Kenny didn't understand how they would've known about his immortality, though as he thought about how Cartman was involved, it had been under his nose the entire time. Of course, he already knew that Cartman was in cahoots with the Mob, except Kenny hadn't been expecting him to be able to prove to the Mob that he was immortal. Was that why they were watching him? What would that even accomplish if they didn't remember? What could they do with his immortality if they could figure out how to take it?
Then why.. why would Butters have been surprised by me dying? Why did he even bother talking to me?! His head was spinning as he tried to make sense of everything. Kenny didn't want to be there anymore as Carol let a few tears slip from her eyes, her hand covering her mouth to muffle her guilt. That's all it was, guilt - Kenny knew better than to assume she cared about him.
Hanging the phone back on the hook, he left without another word. Kenny wasn't sure if it was something else that had brought him there that day, it wasn't like he had been wishing to see his mother. It was just too convenient however, that he was able to get some answers to the questions he had been holding onto for weeks. His entire life felt like it was being manipulated.
Exiting from the prison after a few minutes of being thoroughly checked by security, Kenny knew he had a long walk back to South Park. The Park County Prison was a few miles out of the city, and although he had his phone with him and could've figured out a ride, he chose to walk. He had gotten quite a few texts from Kyle, asking where he had gone, obviously not remembering that Kenny had killed himself in front of him. Apparently, Kyle had only seen him getting on the bus out of town instead.
"Well, that's fucking stupid." He growled to himself as he scrolled through the texts, replying with some bullshit he knew wouldn't fly once he saw Kyle in person. His stomach dropped as his eyes landed on the next group of messages from Butters, asking him to 'give him a chance to explain himself'. Fine, Butters, let's hear what lies you'll spin to me. Kenny clicked his name and raised the phone to his ear, his rage growing once again as it went to voicemail.
Kenny couldn't remember the last time that he was so angry, that he didn't know what to take his rage out on - nothing seemed like it would be enough. He thought he'd feel better once he killed himself, but he only felt worse now; he went as far as killing himself in front of Kyle, and although he wouldn't remember, Kenny had made a vow to never subject his friends to something like that. He felt like such a piece of shit.
His phone started ringing where it was, still grasped tightly in his hand. Kenny looked at Butters' name flashing on the screen, and scowled at it for a moment, before deciding to answer: "What?"
With all of the emotion threatening to spill over from Kenny, his voice came out deeper than usual, causing Leo to pause. "I- Kenny?"
"Yep." He replied through his teeth, his jaw clenched tightly.
"I need to explain some things to you." Butters began quickly, not wanting Kenny to hang up before he could say anything.
He didn't want to give him a chance though, Kenny was beyond his limits. "Explain what? How you're a liar who's been spying on me? Or do you want to explain why the fucking hell you're friends with Cartman?"
"Kenny-" Butters sighed, he was starting to get that Kenny wasn't going to listen to him like this. "Where are you?"
"Walking home."
"From where?"
Kenny took the phone away from his ear as he closed his eyes for a moment, fighting the urge to throw his phone in the river he was walking next to. "Park County Prison. Ugh, why am I still on the phone with you?"
Saying the last part more towards himself, Kenny stopped walking when he heard a car door on the other side of the line. Butters was quiet for a moment as the purr of an engine came over the phone. "I'm coming to get you."
"What?" Kenny scoffed, leaning on the bridge that he had stopped at. "I'm not really in the mood to see you."
"I don't care, Ken! I have some stuff I have to tell you!" Butters urged, pressing on the gas harder.
He didn't understand why Butters wouldn't just leave him alone at this point, his secrets were exposed and made him look bad - why was he bothering to continue this? Kenny just hung up the phone at this, not buying for a second that Leo was actually coming to get him. He couldn't imagine what Butters would need to tell him that would change his mind.
At least the river below him was peaceful though, Kenny taking a moment to appreciate it before continuing towards home. He wasn't in a rush to get home originally, but as the snow started to fall from the gray sky above him, Kenny continued walking down the nearly empty road. Assuming that there was a snow storm on the way or something, from the lack of cars driving around, he squinted as he noticed a car down the road a bit. As Kenny realized that it was the same black car that had killed him just a couple hours ago, he jumped in the way, ready to face whoever this was.
The car came to a screeching halt though, the driver door swinging open to reveal Butters.
Kenny stared at him in disbelief for a moment, his left hand dangling above the area his dagger was. "Did you seriously show up in the car that killed me earlier?"
He rubbed the back of his neck as he watched Kenny's hesitation. "U-uh yeah, sorry 'bout that.."
As much as he wanted to walk around Butters and forget he even existed, Kenny couldn't make himself do it. The thought of walking away from someone like him, seemed so stupid in that moment, no matter how hurt Kenny was. He couldn't say anything as he slipped into the passenger seat, slamming the door as soon as he was in the warmth. Leo joined him at the wheel, shivering as he put it in gear.
"Why don't you have a coat on?" Kenny grumbled out, his arms crossed over his chest as he kept his eyes locked on the window.
Surprised by his question, Butters shrugged. "I left without thinking.. I had to talk to you, Ken."
"You keep saying that, so talk."
There was a long silence as Leo drove down the icy road, biting his bottom lip to keep from squealing on everything right then. Kenny was beginning to doubt that he would say anything, until he finally breathed out shakily: "This is my parents car. I, uh, stole it to come get you."
Since meeting Leo a couple weeks ago, Kenny was constantly surprised by everything he did and said. This took the cake, however. One of the most important things that Butters had told him was that his parents were relentlessly controlling, so for him to do something like this - Kenny was impressed. He was still going to play it cool though, this didn't change the fact that he was being lied to. "Hmm, why?"
Tapping the steering wheel rapidly with his fingers was keeping him focused on the road, Butters nearly swerving as he looked at Kenny for a moment too long. "I just told you, I had-"
"Yeah, I know, you just had to fucking talk to me." He snapped, losing his patience. Kenny knew this wasn't the way to handle this though, taking a second to recompose himself. It wasn't working, he was only getting more irritated. "Do you even have your license? Why are you being reckless?"
They were finally back at the city limits now, the view of downtown coming into view as Butters sped forward, definitely going over the speed limit. He didn't seem to want to answer Kenny, only keeping his eyes forward. Kenny decided to let him be indecisive, turning back to look out the window like a pouting child. Except, he was itching for a cigarette. Even though Butters' parents were obviously shitty people, and Kenny didn't give a shit about their car, he knew that Leo would get the punishment for his lack of self control.
Trying to focus on anything else but the need for a cigarette, Kenny looked through the windshield and noticed that Butters was taking a different way than usual. He watched Leo focus, still biting down on his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.
He's taking a risk even being with me right now, huh? Kenny chuckled a little at this, acknowledging how insane this all was. This was supposed to be a normal crush, why did it have to be this abnormal? Well, he considered now that he wasn't supposed to have a normal life.
Then they were in front of Kenny's house, Butters slamming on the brakes as he almost went past it. "I'll be back." He started, already starting to roll away before Kenny could close the door. "I have to make sure they didn't notice I was gone."
Kenny was left alone in the cold again, staring after the retreating tail lights. He couldn't believe that Leo would steal a car just to talk to him, Kenny always thought that he would be the one to do that for someone. Finding himself the most confused he had been in his entire life, Kenny walked into his house as he lit a cigarette, not thinking of the lingering smell. Of course, he had also forgotten that his friends could be there.
Although, as his eyes fell on the living room, he found it empty. Kenny was relieved, but a little unnerved by the stillness of the house. Ignoring the fact that the gang wasn't there, he skipped up the steps to the second floor, stopping in front of Karen's room where the light was on. He knocked softly, after putting out his cigarette between his thumb and pointer finger, concerned by the silence that followed; Kenny knocked a little harder though, since sometimes Karen had her headphones on. Luckily, she heard that time, and met him at the door with Tricia next to her.
It wasn't that he didn't like Tricia, he was just surprised that she was still there. It seemed like she hadn't gone home all week. Kenny smiled at her though, since he'd rather her be at their house than with her shitty parents. "Hey, guys."
Karen gave him a quick hug before pulling away, a knowing look in her eyes. "So, Craig is in your room.." Kenny raised an eyebrow at this, surprised that he wasn't with the gang. Of course, that wasn't the only thing about that statement that surprised him, but he didn't want to think about that when Karen was right there. Karen pushed Tricia back in her room for a moment, pulling her brother closer so she could whisper something: "I think they need to stay with us."
Living next to the Tuckers for years had taught Kenny one thing - he was glad his parents were in prison; if the McCormicks had continued on their path, there's no doubt that they would be worse than Craig's parents. Unfortunately, this meant that things were bad enough at their house for them to not want to go home. Kenny didn't like that. "God, their parents are the fucking worst.. They can stay with us as long as they need to."
Even if Craig wasn't his complicated friend, Kenny wouldn't let anyone stay in a situation like that. This made everything a little difficult for him right then however, since Butters was on his way back over, and Craig probably needed someone with him. He felt like something was trying to make him choose, but Kenny refuted that, saying a quick goodbye to his sister before turning towards his own room next.
It was weird to hesitate before going into his room, yet he did. Kenny kept his hand on the doorknob for much longer than normal, before sighing and creaking it open. Instead of finding Craig waiting for him, or at least doing something on his phone, he was asleep in a ball in the middle of the bed. Oh, thank fucking God.
Before Craig could magically wake up and need his attention, Kenny closed the door softly, and jumped back down the steps. Just as he made it to the hallway, there was a soft knock that filled his stomach with butterflies; it pissed him off though, since Butters had a lot of explaining to do, and Kenny didn't know if he should be having feelings for someone who hid things from him. Despite him doing everything he could to bury his feelings, Leo seemed to find a way to make his heart start up again.
What he didn't expect to find when he opened the door however, was Butters' face covered in blood. "T-Told ya I'd be back.."
Kenny couldn't do anything as the smaller boy collapsed in his arms.
A/N: Yup, shit is getting crazyyyy! Buckle up buckaroo!!