A/N: The warning is that this chapter might be sad asf and possibly uncomfortable..?? SUGGESTIVE wording, very HEAVY thoughts, descriptions of (panic attack)?
Truthfully, I only wrote on this chapter while in my depressive moods so that I could make it as authentic as possible. The problem is that my writing is crap while im depressed, so... sorry for the quality :')
Depression... is a lot like the mind and the heart fighting with each other. And the soul... is just stuck in the chaos of it all.
When the mind is upset, it reminds you of the past. It tells you the future is dark and hopeless.
When the heart is upset, it tells you that something is wrong, but won't tell you what it is.
You're left guessing why you feel the way you do. Sometimes you really don't know.
Ni-ki didn't know. He didn't know why he suddenly felt like crying, losing his appetite while eating. He didn't know why the joy was suddenly sucked out of whatever activity he was doing.
He didn't know why the world was suddenly loud and repetitive.
But in these moments... he was depressed.
Depression isn't always feeling sad. Sometimes it feels empty. Alone. It feels like chaos and nothing at the same time. It feels like fear and being unbothered simultaneously. It feels like extreme pain and numbness.
Helpless, not knowing how to stop it.
Feeling like you don't deserve to stop it.
Like you deserve to suffer.
Like suffering is better than being happy.
Because... Why would you want to be happy, just to have it stripped away? It's better to not be happy at all. Like the false hope gets tiring after it's taken away so many times. The thoughts of being okay seem less believable when you keep falling back into a depressed state.
That's how Ni-ki felt.
In the moments depression suddenly drowned him, he looked around at his members... wondering how they could smile. Wondering... how they could feel happy. Laugh. Love. Live.
How they could function at all, because he really felt like collapsing. He felt like closing his eyes, making everything disappear just for a while. Needed a break from everything.
Those thoughts finally caught up to him that night. Luckily Jake interrupted him. After that... the thoughts didn't go away, but he felt a bit stronger against them.
The were still constant, but he wasn't so hesitant to ask for help, to ask for space. And no one questioned a thing when he would suddenly curl up against them.
His usual spot was Jake.
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"Everything okay?" Jake asks softly, pulling Ni-ki closer.
"I just... need to be close." Ni-ki whispers. Jake nods in understanding and lets Ni-ki snuggle into his side on the bed. Ni-ki takes a big breath, inhaling Jake's comforting and familiar scent. He closes his eyes when Jake starts playing with his hair with one hand, the other was scrolling on his phone.
"You can rest, I'll be right here when you wake up." Jake assures, voice soft. Ni-ki scoots even closer to the older and rests his head on Jake's chest.
He didn't have to explain anything, he didn't have to talk about it, and he appreciated that.
He could just feel safe.
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"Ah... this again." Ni-ki mumbles. He sighs and lies down on the bed, covering himself with the blanket as he curls into a ball. It hits him all at once and the happiness he felt a few moments ago escaped from his grasp.
"Please." His voice is a silent whimper and he hates the knot forming in his throat; a sign that tears are coming. His fingers grip harshly at his hair, resulting in a hiss of pain but he doesn't care. He finds comfort in the pain. It was his own way of staying grounded.
"No thoughts. No thoughts. No thoughts." Ni-ki chants to himself, squeezing his eyes shut. Another whimper escapes his lips as the first tear falls.
He didn't even know why he was suddenly so sad and helpless.
There was no trigger.
There was no warning.
It just hits like a tidal wave, utterly drowning him beneath the drop of emotions.
Being happy was an intense high, and the lows of depression were the sudden withdrawal symptoms.
There was no fix, no way to make it stop.
"It's okay, Ni-ki... breathe... it will go away soon." He whispers to himself, shaking slightly as tears cover his cheeks.
Yeah... He just had to wait for the pain to subside. He's strong enough.
He has been this long, he can continue to be.
Even if it feels like dying.
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"Depression hurts so much.
There is no way to truly describe it other than to call it painful."
Ni-ki's therapist reads the words he had written down.
"This is how you feel?" He asks. Ni-ki nods.
"Yes, that is how I feel."
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Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Please don't cry.
Crying hurts.
Keeping it in hurts even more.
Fuck, it hurts so much.
Ni-ki gasps for air, clutching at his chest as if he could only breathe if he dug a hole in his chest.
"Please, please." He whispers pathetically. His vision goes blurry as the tears come to the surface.
"Fuck!" Ni-ki shouts, throwing his pillow across the room. It hits his dresser and a picture frame falls, shattering onto the floor. Ni-ki immediately looks down at the large sharp pieces. He kneels down and stares at them through blurry vision.
"N-No." He shakes his head and pulls himself away, leaning his head against the bed. He pulls his legs close to him, hiding his head between his knees. He whimpers into the darkness he had created and finally gives in, letting the tears spill down his cheeks.
He can't breathe, that's the only thought he can register. He gasps again, repetitive and quickly, it's loud and he starts to panic. His hands come up to his chest and neck, grabbing at whatever invisible force is blocking his airway. He cries harder, terrified of the new development.
"Riki?" A voice calls from the hallway. It's his sister. He squeezes his eyes shut, gasping desperately.
"Riki?" His sister calls again, she's closer this time, twisting at his doorknob.
"Riki! Riki, open the door! Please!" She says frantically, noticing that it's locked. His throat and lungs burn, vision going blurry with lack of air. He pulls himself towards the door, shaking as he crawls across the floor.
"Riki, please!" His sister cries, he could hear the pure fear in her voice. He reaches the door and fumbles with the lock. His sister opens the door as soon as it clicks.
"Help." That's all Ni-ki manages to say through gasps. Konon crouches down beside him and pulls him close.
"It's okay, baby. It's okay, I got you." She whispers, rocking him in her arms.
It takes a long time for his breathing to go back to normal.
"Please stay with me." Ni-ki whispers, eyes closed.
"We'll both stay." Konon assures, looking over at Sola. Sola nods and scoots closer to her brother, who's sandwiched between them. The sisters both grab one of his hands and he smiles softly.
"I really missed you guys... so much." He whispers, finally opening his eyes to look at them.
"We're here now, let's talk in the morning. Sleep." Konon says softly, brushing the hair away from his forehead. He nods and closes his eyes, his mind and heart were finally calm; peaceful.
He fell asleep listening to his sisters' steady breaths.
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Not everyone gets a happy ending. Some are tragic, some are sad, some are angry. But worrying about the ending isn't important right now. Right now, the focus is on the here.
Ni-ki holds Bisco in his lap, rubbing behind the dog's ears. He looks over at his family, watching them dance around and laugh.
He didn't have an ending yet. He didn't plan on having an ending any time soon. The thoughts weren't going to disappear, but he knew he didn't have to fight them alone.
He has his family.
His friends.
His members.
His fans.
He wasn't alone.
So even though he didn't know what kind of end he would have, he knew what he had now.
And he knew he was going to be okay.
Life is a constant battle.
But he didn't have to fight alone.
"Riki, come here." His mother calls. Ni-ki looks up at her and smiles.
Yeah...
I'm going to be fine.
Maybe not right now.
Definitely not all the time.
But, I will be okay.
One day.
(Yes, debut/fever era cause they're elite eras)
A/N: I miss bby boy Riki T-T
I feel older and older every time I see him T-T
(Again, blurry pictures T-T)
This chapter took me forever to write. I started writing on it when I first started writing this book... depression is no joke. I honestly felt so bad while writing Ni-ki's character, because I feel like I did him dirty T-T
No, it doesn't end with him magically being "cured" from depression, because that's just not realistic. It's a battle, and that's what I wanted to show.
This chapter is unorganized and chaotic, scenes seeming random and possibly out of order... but that's exactly what a depressed mind feels like.
Hopefully this is good enough.
A little bit of hope can be the difference between life and death. If you can give hope to someone else, do it. Even if it seems like they're okay.
As they say, the brightest smiles hide the most pain.
Always know you're worthy and appreciated, always.
I love you, even if we don't know each other <3