content warning: mentions of blood, violence, mentions of self harm
yoongi put in a lot of effort into fixing things. after finding out his distance hurt jimin and didnt help him, he panicked. he couldnt help but feel like shit, feeling like he had taken a significant step back from 'healing.' yet, he tried. jimin asked him to stay, to stop disappearing, which yoongi thought would be easy.
he struggled to know what to do in the house, everyone functioning well without him. the gym wasnt set up in the basement, so he couldnt spend his time working out. the house lacked alcohol, discovering that they all decided to go sober for when the kittens came. he quickly hated being sober, after being anything but for the past few months, he couldnt sleep, his mind racing nonstop. yet he tried, for jimin.
the hybrid would curl up to him, just asking yoongi to hold him, to stay with him, which he did. he made sure to hold him close, touching him like he was glass. jimin asked him a lot of questions, ones that yoongi was scared to answer. yoongi still pushed himself to answer, wanting to do anything if it made jimin happy.
it was easy, for the most part. jimin was patient with him, giving him time and space to himself, while also spending time together and making small jokes that yoongi found himself melting at. the hardest part became the itch. he didnt even notice it at first, thinking maybe it was cold in the house, or that his clothes were a weird fabric. until it got deeper under his skin, making his muscles ache and his mouth dry. he couldnt figure out what it was.
--
his first meal with them was...interesting. no one acknowledged that yoongi had been gone, diving into their typical dynamic. he couldnt ignore the happiness he felt when he saw jimin had fallen naturally into their group, arguing and joking with them like how they all would with each other. yoongi piled food onto jimins plate, not really paying attention to anything other than his bump. he hoped hed been eating well these past months.
when he put food on his own plate, he stared at it, waiting for the hunger to make him take his first bite. it never came. he pushed it aside, assuming maybe he didnt realize how hungry he was, forcing himself to take the first bite, hoping the hunger would soon follow. but when he took the bite and nearly spit it out, disgusted at the taste, he didnt know how to react. he knew he needed to eat, forcing the disgust aside and finishing the food on his plate. he looked over to jimins, realizing he was almost done and piled more onto his plate, not failing to miss the sparkles in jimins eyes at the gesture.
maybe things would be ok.
---
the itch grew. his head was pounding, which was far from normal. he never got sick, never got stomach aches or headaches, aside from when he had panic attacks, but he knew that wasnt the case. his muscles felt like knives under his skin. no matter how much water he drank, he felt dehydrated, parched. his eyes felt dry, like his eyelids were made of sandpaper.
he was pulled from his thoughts when hoseok asked him to cook dinner with him tonight, deciding he could use the distraction. it ended up working, yoongi falling into a playful banter with hoseok as they chopped up ingredients for soup. hoseok had been chopping the onions, playfully complaining about the tears in his eyes and how he couldnt see. yoongi was about to ask if he wanted him to take over when it happened.
hoseok knicked his finger, blood began to pour from the wound. hoseok laughed it off, going over to the sink to wash it off, when yoongi felt his body alight. the smell was divine, his teeth began hurting, his muscles flexing beneath his skin. he vaguely felt his fathers words wash over him, the warning of getting hooked. it all made sense. he covered his nose, forcing himself to breathe from his mouth, before leaving the kitchen.
he could feel his skin melting off his bones, his eyes shifting to their pools of black. he needed to leave. he barely noticed jimin call his name as he teleported out of the house.
--
jungim looked at him, his lips pursed in confusion. "youre sober."
yoongi groaned, his head aching. "trying to quit, i guess."
neither of them spoke, yoongi stuffing his head into his hands. he groaned, the ache in his body burning under his skin. he could feel his fathers presence lingering in his mind. "you look like shit, more than normal." the headache was agonizing. he slammed his head against the table, the new pain overriding the old one momentarily, until it faded. yoongi groaned in anger, before slamming his hands against the table.
yoongi could barely find an ounce of patience in his body. "im this close to ripping your head off." he growled. he didnt even know why he came here. he forced himself out of his seat, deciding this was pointless. "leave, i need to figure this out."
jungim shrugged, scooting out of the boothe and headed for the door. "let me know if you need anything." he said, before exiting the building. yoongi instantly regretted it, wanting the other to come back. he needed someone to talk to, he needed to figure this out. he paced around the bar, the owner watching him with a cloud of fog around his head. he was this close, he could feel his control slipping. he shouldve just killed someone. he shouldve just gotten rid of the ache and gone back home right after. he quickly grew angry, throwing bar stools at the wall.
he barely felt it when his muscles ached, his bones burning beneath his skin, distracted by the headache and burn in his throat. "thats enough."
yoongi groaned out, his hands going straight to his hair as he grabbed at the strands in frustration. "how do i make it stop?"
"i told you to stop drinking."
"stop telling me what i shouldve done and tell me how to end it." god, what it would be like to be normal, he craved it.
he finally looked to his father, seeing the sadness hidden in his eyes. "dont think like that." his father walked over to the pool table, taking a seat on it. he watched as yoongi paced. "sit down." he said. he waited for yoongi to come over, following his instructions. he sat next to him on the pool table, waiting. "meditation is the only way through it. indulging only makes it stronger." yoongi watched as his father crossed his legs, waiting for yoongi to follow his lead.
"I already tried meditating." yoongi grumbled. he still crossed his legs, waiting for his father to give him his next instructions.
"its a different type. one I made ages ago when I drank too much." he chuckled. "the point isnt to gather energy, that only makes it worse." he took a deep breath in, yoongi following his lead quickly, closing his eyes, listening to the way his breath sounded in the room. it was easy to fall into the headspace with years of practice, ignoring the world around him and focusing on himself. "the aches and pains you feel are all in your mind."
yoongi focused on the aches, the pain under his skin. he begged to differ. "why does food taste like shit?" he faintly heard his fathers deep laugh.
"focus, yoon." he grunted, but continued to focus on his body. "tell me what you feel."
"my bones itch," he mumbled. he focused on the way they felt beneath his skin, the way he could swear someone was scraping his bones with knives, like the bark layering his bones were scraping against his muscles. "my mouth is dry," it felt fuzzy, as if his whole mouth was made of cotton, about to catch on fire.
his father hummed as he told yoongi to take another deep breath. "really think to yourself. really process what your feeling, do your bones actually itch or do you think they do?"
as he listened to his words, taking in another slow, deep breath, his mind drifted back to his bones. he focused on the feeling, breathing slowly as he took in the sensation. moments passed, the more he focused on his bones, the less they itched. as he took in the feeling, he waited as he felt the knives fade into a light tingling sensation, before fading completely.
"focus on the feeling in your mouth." he hummed, his voice quiet. his words blended together, almost sounding as a purr, similar to how yoongi spoke. they truly were very similar. "describe it to me."
he struggled, unable to find the words to express the feeling. "it feels like cotton or like a dry sponge, maybe." he focused on the discomfort, his teeth aching in his mouth. every time he swallowed, he could swear it felt like he was swallowing sand, the spit in his mouth doing nothing. his father hummed, about to answer
the door flung open. yoongis eyes darted open, staring at the door. it was like the meditation he was doing had done nothing for his anger as he stared jungim down. "what." yoongi was so close yelling at him, but he didnt. he forced himself to take another deep breath.
jungim glanced between yoongi and the barked man, sitting carefully on the pool table across from him. hed only seen him for a moment before, but as he sat before him, clearly not about to leave, he grew nervous. he was terrifying, he didnt understand how yoongi could be so relaxed with someone so intimidating. "i got a text from work," he started. yoongi waited, more than aware of the dryness in his mouth. he briefly thought he could kill jungim and get rid of the feeling-
his father gently hit him on the side of the head, pulling him from his thoughts. "absolutely not." he glared at yoongi, before looking back to jungim. "were in the middle of something."
jungim stuttered, debating on leaving the building as he glanced back at the text, "im sorry," he bowed deeply, before continuing. "theres a facility in seoul that gained access to hyunwas documents on you-" yoongi froze at her name, fear and anger bubbling in his chest. it was short lived, when his father rested his hand on his shoulder. images of her soul burning at his fathers command flashed through his head, sending relief through his body.
his father chuckled. "dibs."
yoongi scoffed, "you cant 'dibs' this. youre fucking lucifer." he watched as his father stood up, stretching his arms above his head. faint cracking of wood sounded through the room, as he stood up straight, looming over everyone in the room. he truly was intimidating; a tall broad figure, flames beneath his skin, peaking out between the cracks. he towered over any mortal being, glaring down at yoongi as he spoke.
"we made a deal," yoongi wasnt stupid, he saw the obvious excitement in his eyes. "you focus on healing, i watch over my beloved son." he walked over, ruffling his hair, his large hands carding through yoongis hair. "besides, its been centuries. i wanna see how things have changed." yoongi didnt even get the chance to protest, his father taking large, slow steps towards jungim, red flames engulfing the two of them, before they vanished. he was left alone, his mouth still on fire, his head still pounding. he couldnt even chase after them, unsure where his father took them. he groaned, there was no point in being in the bar, forcing himself to teleport back home.
--
he sat in the living room, eyes closed, legs crossed as he meditated. it was significantly harder to focus with the thought of his father, lucifer, walking on earth. he couldnt help but worry, despite the fact that he knew he was invincible, immortal. he wasnt like yoongi who at the end of the day was still human, he was a being of absolute power. yoongi couldnt help but worry about him. he forced himself to focus, his mind going back to his fathers instructions.
the living room was quiet, everyone off doing their own things. he had a room in the house, but he had nothing to unpack, all of his belongings in jimins room. he didnt want to bother the hybrid, ultimately deciding to meditate here. the more he focused on the pain, reminding himself that the feeling was in his head, the more he was able to relax, the aches and pains slowly fading.
he didnt know how long he had been there, the world around him gone as he fell deep into his mind. it was hard at first, but as he spent more time on it, perfecting the method, he really did understand how this was a different type of meditation. he was completely detached from the physical world, left alone in his mind and body as he worked through the feeling. when all of the itch was gone, his body completely sober and in tune with itself, he felt at peace. he felt the overwhelming amount of power surge through his veins, even without someone elses blood in his system. he felt his body heavy, yet light at the same time, energy pulsing in his veins. the weight of the itch completely off his chest. it was enlightening.
"-hyung-"
his focus began fading, the energy in his veins disappearing as he lost his focus. he fought, attempting to reach for it, trying to get it back under his control, but with his focus lost, it was hopeless. for a moment, he was angry, until he opened his eyes and saw namjoon.
"hyung, did you know your fathers out?"
yoongi closed his eyes again, a quick breath escaping his lips. "sadly, yes." he groaned, attempting to get back into the headspace.
"hes killing people-"
"we made a deal, hes very stubborn." yoongi sighed. it was pointless, he decided. he uncrossed his legs, standing up to meet namjoons gaze, stretching his arms over his head. he felt refreshed, alive. he briefly wondered if this was healing.
"a deal?" namjoon raised his eyebrow at him, "like a 'sell your soul to satan' kind of deal?"
yoongi laughed softly, "no, no. like a father-son, type deal." he felt his back crack as he stretched, he vaguely wondered how long hed been meditating. "he asked me to stop purging and focus on healing. obviously, i was against it as we're all wanted by goverments around the world." he took a deep breath in, basking in the way the air filled his lungs. he hadnt felt this refreshed in months, the purging and killing not even refreshing him like the meditation session had. "he said hed deal with it if i focused on myself."
namjoon hummed. "well, you look good, so i guess i cant be too upset." namjoon shoved his phone into yoongis hands, met with images of his father, skeletons swarming around him. he really was over the top. "is it working? are you feeling better?"
yoongi let out a sound, almost similar to a purr. "i guess so. almost like he knows what hes talking about."
---
dealing with his bloodlust was relatively easy after that. he found himself meditating almost constantly, falling into deep states of peace and rest. he quickly became connected to himself in a way he didnt think was possible. he quickly understood how his father was always so calm, so at peace. after indulging in his meditation, it was easy to understand why.
his father wasnt out for long. there was barely any images or videos of him on the news, yoongi wondering why. whenever he went out and purged, videos and pictures leaked later that day, his face covering every outlet of the media. yet there were only two or three pictures of his father, all blurry and low quality. he was clearly much better at his craft than yoongi could even imagine.
yoongi soon understood that recovering from his reckless lifestyle physically was easy. however, dealing with everything from the past months mentally was a whole other challenge, a much harder one. without the help of alcohol, yoongi struggled to sleep. he was haunted by nightmares, staying awake every night in jimins bed, watching the doors and windows as the other slept peacefully. sure, the meditation did wonders to refresh him, to keep him strong and thriving. yet there are some things that cant be replaced, sleep being a huge one.
every night, jimin would ask him to sleep with him, and every night he would agree. jimin would curl up into his side, his large stomach pressed against his hip, while yoongi wrapped his arm around him, waiting for the younger to sleep. it was hard, he was exhausted. tonight was no different. jimin slept peacefully in his side, while yoongi stayed awake, staring at the walls.
jimins room matched his personality, the walls were a pastel blue with a soft yellow accent wall. there were plants hanging from the walls and ceiling, a small crib set in the corner with a dresser next to it, overflowing with baby clothes. yoongis old clothes were scattered everywhere, he didnt fail to notice his old bed sheets and covers when he saw the room for the first time. he also didnt fail to notice how jimin was always wrapped up in his old clothes, never seeming to wear the clothes they once bought together ages ago.
he watched him as he slept, he was just as beautiful always. yoongi jolted at every sound, never at ease. his eyes hung low, begging to close. his body was heavy, he was so tired. he pulled jimin closer into his chest, finally falling asleep.
her smile haunted him. her voice rang through his memories. he ripped off his clothes, screaming at her voice. her being dead wasnt enough, it never was. he ran to the nearest convienence store earlier, stealing multiple pocket knives. nothing was enough. he pulled out the largest one, staring at his naked body, in the hotel mirror. her laugh echoed in his mind, his name haunted him. he could throw up.
he angled the knife, gliding it across his arms, the tattooed skin coming off in chunks as he carved his skin off his body. only when his bones showed through the wounds did he move on, carving out his muscles. he could still feel her touch, he stared at the flowers across his chest, yelling out as he tore the skin from his body, staring at his tattooed skin lying across the hotel floor. it was short lived, watching as his skin grew back, the tattoos reappearing, his muscles larger than before.
he cried out, it wasnt enough. he moved to his legs, peeling off layers of skin. it wasnt enough. he healed so fast, he couldnt even appreciate his work when it began to heal over. it was hell.
yoongi pushed himself off the bed, spilling his guts on the floor, staring at the mess he made over jimins cute offwhite carpet. something was wrong, everything was off. there was a presence he didnt recognize. he ran out of the house, quickly scanning around the building. it was still late, the moon hanging high in the sky. he couldnt figure it out. he took another lap around the house, still not seeing anything out of the ordinary. he was gonna be sick, something was wrong, he knew it. he threw himself to the ground, ignoring the scraping of pebbles against his knees, forcing himself to focus on his fathers presence, "please," he mumbled.
he was quick to appear, tall figure looming over yoongi. he stared at him, frantic. his father was quick to understand, grabbing yoongis shoulder before teleporting him back into jimins room, before vanishing once again, leaving yoongi alone.
he sat himself at the leg of the bed, forcing himself to meditate. he needed to relax, wait for his father to come back. his breaths were deep, no where near relaxed.
he felt it, his fathers presence back in his mind. 'no one was there.' yoongi choked out at that, he must not have checked, 100% someone was there. 'I promise youre safe.' when he closed his eyes, he wasnt at peace-
"yoongi?" jimins soft voice pulled him from his thoughts. he dropped it, attempting to meditate wouldnt work. he sighed, looking at jimin, sitting in the bed, carefully holding his bump. it was huge, yoongi vaguely wondered if his duedate was close.
yoongi pulled himself to his feet, joining jimin back on the bed. "im ok, sorry." he wrapped his arms around the younger, relief flooding his system as he held jimin closely. he briefly thought he could stay here, with jimin safe in his arms forever. hed just wait for whatever the threat was to come to him, hed deal with it then. 'ill die before I let anything happen to you again.' yoongi laughed, the fucker was immortal, he must be pretty sure.
"i know youre not," yoongi was pulled from his thoughts, looking at jimin. his nose was all crinkled, yoongi softened at the sight. he was stunning. "talk to me, hyung. please." he reached up to hold yoongis chin. for once, he didnt flinch away, instead leaning in to jimins touch.
yoongi hummed, staring into jimins eyes. they were tired. he placed his hand on jimins stomach, feeling the hum of the kittens under his fingers. he was shocked to feel movement under his hands, as if they were reaching out to try to meet yoongis touch. jimin laughed softly at yoongis shock. he said nothing, waiting for yoongi to speak when he was ready. "nightmare," he said, transfixed on the movement under jimins skin. mina and yoonwo popped in his head, he quickly decided he needed to meet them. "wanna see something?" yoongi spoke before he really thought about it, his mind elsewhere.
jimin nodded, smiling softly. yoongi melted at the smile, his mind made up. his eyes went black, holding onto jimins shoulders. a small smile appeared on his lips.
---
yoongi knew things were different. he struggled to find his old self, spending more time than not in fear or stressed out. everyone was patient with him, initiating things with him but being understanding if he wasnt ready yet to join.
things became normal with jin before anyone else. he was quick to ignore everything yoongi had gone through, instead treating yoongi like he had their entire friendship. it shocked yoongi at first, when jin slapped the shit out of him for yelling at taehyung about something stupid. he stood there in shock, mouth agape, as he listened to jin yell at him and tell him to apologize, that taehyung was trying to be nice. yoongi, not wanting to get further on jins bad side, quickly apologized. when jin continued to act normal around him, telling him to wash up to help prepare dinner, yoongi broke out in laughter, curling in on himself as he laughed. jin just stared at him in confusion, waiting for him to explain, when yoongi finally responded, "i missed this."
--
he found himself falling back into his friendship with jungkook after. the gym had finally been set up, namjoon, jungkook and hoseok spending their time unpacking equipment and putting everything in their spots. yoongi was the first to jump at the new gym, destressing by throwing himself into workouts. he found that when he ran for too long, and tasted blood in the back of his throat that it quenched the thirst he had lingering in the back of his mind. it was weird, obsessing over his own blood, but it became a new norm. he found himself buried in the equipment, chasing runners highs or fatigue to eventually pass out and sleep peacefully for a while.
more often than not, hed fall asleep on the equipment, waking up to jungkook shoving him off. when jungkook mentioned it, he ignored him, annoyed at jungkooks teasing tone. but, when he failed to let up on his teasing, continuing to spend his hours in the gym alongside yoongi, bothering him, or talking with him about his progress, he found himself appreciating the youngers company. they were quick to fall back into their teasing nature, going out of their way to bother the other even outside of the gym.
--
taehyung was hard to please. the more time yoongi spent trying to apologize to him, the more he deflected it off of him and over to jimin, complaining about how he left his platonic soulmate to rot. yoongi quickly realized taehyung wasnt even angry at him leaving, but he was pissed at what it did to jimin. it was hard to fix things with him.
it was only when he asked taehyung about jimin in the past few months and what it was like that his cold demeanur broke, excitedly gushing over his best friends pregnancy. he occasionally threw jabs at yoongi, mentioning how jimin barely slept without him, how he cried about him every night, how much he missed him. he was quick to remind yoongi of what he did. but he was even more quick to talk about him fondly. to talk about how jimins tastebuds changed over the pregnancy, how he grew to seek out soft blankets and curl up into them, how he was excited to see his kittens, how he couldnt wait to see how much they looked like yoongi.
the more they talked about their love for jimin, the more taehyung understood where yoongi was coming from, even if he violently disagreed with yoongis methods. it took time, but he forgave him.
---
hoseok was hard to talk to. it wasnt hard talking about old things, he loved going on runs with him and having small conversations about whatever. what was hard was the nagging guilt in the back of his head.
"I self harmed for a while," the confession was hard, unready for hoseoks reaction. it definitely wasnt positive.
"whatd you do?" they sat in hoseoks shared room, taehyung and jungkook out doing whatever. they sat on the floor, leaning against the bed. their room was obviously theirs, guns and knives hung up on the walls proudly. their clothes covered the floors, along with the occasional ropes and chains. they were easily the kinkiest of all of their group. yoongi laughed to himself for a moment, staring at the ropes hidden under jungkooks dirty shirt.
yoongi forced himself to look anywhere but hoseok. he couldnt face him more than he already was. "she touched me a lot." he muttered. "my skin felt disgusting," it still did, if he was being honest. the meditation helped clear his mind. "I carved my skin off until it was just my bones." it shocked him that the flower tattoos grew back. it made sense that his one arm grew back, the markings being one that came from his death. the flowers across his body, however, werent truly part of his dna. he wondered why they stayed past the knives. "sorry."
hoseok stared at him, he could feel his eyes burning into the side of his head. "are you still doing it?"
"no," he really wanted to. he felt like her lingering touches would never go away. "I want to, but I havent."
neither of them spoke, yoongi finally felt his burning gaze let up. "im proud of you, hyung." yoongi shot up at that, looking over to hoseok. he was looking into his lap, then to his own arms. his tattoos had long covered up his scars. "youre strong. im proud youre telling me. im proud youre working through it and not sinking into the urge." facing hoseok was hard. he really cared about the younger, wanted to support him and be there for him. yet it wasnt as hard as he thought it would be.
"thanks, hobi."