You see her when you
close your eyes
Maybe one day,
you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
- Let her go (passenger)
A/N trigger warning (sucidal/low/dark thoughts)
49. let her go
Han Seojun lived his day to the fullest.
And by fullest he literally meant to the fullest, considering he couldn't sleep for most of the nights and didn't want to for the nights he could. It was routine for him, to start the day before the sun rises and lay awake until it was almost time for the sun to shine again.
It was a blessing and a curse that Move Entertainment was his management agency. It meant he could have some lethargy for his idol life and yet be under the radar of Lee Suho - constant-fucking-ly. He couldn't move or do anything without Suho's divine intervention in all his affairs.
A part of him hoped that the CEO would stop wasting his time on somebody as hopeless as him and rather invest it someplace else. But no amount of angry glares would make Suho leave him alone. Why would Suho bear with him than live his happy life - Seojun didn't know.
Even he wouldn't wanna live with someone as him.
The guitar lay cold in his arms as he pondered up on his schedule for the week. The practices, recordings and interviews were making him sick already. But then there was another meeting with HFA Association that caught his eye.
Surely this wasn't what it looked like. Lee Suho wouldn't do that to him.
Right?
Oh he was way wrong. Wrong wasn't a word to fit this situation especially when he couldn't get the last week's interaction out of his head. Now that he thought about it, it seemed like a mistake.
What else did he think when he decided to see Kang Soojin again?
That everything would be okay, back to normal? That all the worries and pain and the years of sheer horror would wipe away easily? That just a single glance of the girl and he'd be able to live happily again?
Who was he kidding? This was more like a last glance at the girl before he could leave for good, for real this time. He had planned everything to the last detail, the years of idol training a tribute to his friend, graduating from high school - a tribute to his mother and a last song, a last performance for his sister.
Then why did he detour from his route and traced his steps towards the one person who had left his life long back. That one detour had put his entire plan on a standstill.
He should have not agreed to go face the girl - now a beautiful woman - who held such a crucial part of his life. It had been a decade without them exchanging paths, and a single meeting wasn't supposed to change anything.
Yet it did.
His heart betrayed him immediately. The sight of Soojin - beautiful as she is - threw him off-guard and Seojun almost lost the ability to speak in the brief moment. The haughty and arrogant Kang Soojin was replaced with a different, soft and matured Soojin. Yellow looked pretty on her and short hair suited her.
But the very next second Seojun snapped out of his trance and landed back to reality. He realised how intently he was staring at her and how affected he was when her boss held her hand. That helped draw his attention towards the darkness of his life.
Everything he touched, died. Everywhere he went, he only brought despair and death. It wasn't fair for Soojin to be dragged into this mess after all the efforts she's taken to live her life. It must have been tough for her, living alone and away from everyone. He could see those tired bags under her eyes, the sad essence of her forced smile and her soft gaze holding an array of emotions for him.
She deserved way way better than him. It's stupid how easily he gave up on people he loved only because they'd be happy without him. He hated how he could live with heartache but not beat the thought of his beloved(s) living an undeserved life.
So he pretended - as much as he could - that he didn't know the girl. His hands - stuffed in his pockets - were fisted. He was overwhelmed by the sudden appearance of the forgotten girl. He should not have agreed to this arrangement.
Especially when he knew Soojin worked there since a year.
Her mere presence was enough for him to lose his mind, even when he was already a lost cause. How in the world can a girl hold so much power on him despite being absent for a decade.
And it's not like they were best friends before. It was a friendship of a month or two. It was an alliance - a plan of deceit - and yet the time he spent with her reigned supreme in his heart. He had to compartmentalize all of his thoughts and emotions to cope up with his past and always found a way to relive the memories he shared with the Princess of Saebom High.
Aish, even the thought of her makes me just as crazy as before.
Han Seojun sighed, holding the electric guitar close to his heart. It was a gift from his sister, Gowoon, for his first debut with the band. He sang and played his first song on this guitar and it only seems perfect to end with it.
His cell phone rang - fifth time in that hour - and flashed with tons of notifications but Seojun ignored all of it. There wasn't much to do now other than throw a fit and rescind the contract with HFA - which was a PR tactic to uplift Starlight's name in the industry amidst the idol toxicity lately.
The cancellation policy was tricky, especially the expensive payment. But no matter the payment, Seojun wouldn't risk his heart again this time at hands of Kang Soojin. Not when she had already broken it once.
Now he had nothing that could be broken anymore than it already was. His heart, will and soul, all of it were crushed and destroyed - repeatedly. There was nothing he wanted to do now, nothing that could make him change his decision. He gave himself five years to complete his list and he was done.
Almost done.
One last thing to do and he could finally go to sleep - without medications - peacefully. He knew he'd be at peace, because living was hell. Anything was better than the life he was living.
"You're here?" Ha Duri Or known as 'H' by Starlight fans - pianist of the band - jolted in the practice room. "You're here? Our sa-jang-nim wanted to have a quick meeting."
Seojun audibly - and loudly - groaned, frustrated by the endless meetings and agendas. It was already tough to be Han Seojun, even tougher to be an idol in Korea. "Is it avoidable?" He asked, a low voice to which H shook his head with small pout.
H was one of the few people outside Lee Suho that Seojun spoke to. Even though it was just a few words here and there, H felt honoured at the amount of trust and comfort they shared.
"You're the leader hyung." H rubbed the back of his head, his long messy hair falling on his face. Like Seojun, H also had a large fan following. He was attractive, outspoken and the youngest of the gang. He was babied and looked upon by the rest of the team and in many ways, he reminded Seojun of a old, happier, carefree Han Seojun. "But you really wanna ditch then we could sneak out and have some beers."
Seojun appreciated the gesture. It was nice to have someone - other than his demons - to talk to. Lee Suho was one of his demons, just to make it clear. One of the most annoying, nosey and irritating ones.
"You had a cold last week. Chilled beers for another time." Seojun reprimanded the younger boy and watched a glimmer of astonishment shine in his eyes. "Myeo?" (What?)
H shook his head, his brown hair bouncing with every move. "It just... You remembered that... It's nothing." He turned and walked away, flustered over being emotional.
Seojun didn't get the sudden exit of the boy but didn't mind it either. He took a deep breath and made his way out of the practice room. They had booked a hotel in Busan, besides the beach, for their weekend stay. They had a gig in Busan soon and wanted to practice beforehand.
That and the stupid HFA meeting Seojun agreed for.
He made his way to the conference room, bowing slightly at the people who walked past him - mostly the hotel staff - and acknowledged their flushed greetings. Being a successful idol made him rich, popular and gave him immense popularity but with it came toxic and para social fans, zero privacy and no social life.
Han Seojun wanted to be a barrista again when he had a panic attack from crazy fans the first year. He remembered crying when he reached home and worrying about his life. A long phone call with Lee Suho and his then manager (Jugyeong's sister) helped him cool down.
He owed a lot to both Lim Heegyeong and Lee Suho. But, they owed him their bank accounts so it was a squared deal.
Seojun pulled his sleeves down, hiding the tattoos drawn over his arms. He wasn't ready for the world to judge him yet and he probably never will be. For now, he just had to make past this one month.
The conference room was big - not huge - and was occupied by his band mates, current manager, agency members, PR representative and Lee Suho - waiting for him.
They boys greeted him with a soft 'annyeong hyung', the others greeted him with sweet nothings and Lee Suho ignored him.
"Where were we?" Suho asked, looking the most presentable with his three piece business suit and handsomely set hair. "Right, the Busan concert - please continue Mr. Jang..."
Seojun zoned out on everything that was said. Suho on the other hand lay quiet, eyeing him constantly as the manager - a 35 year old man - addressed the next set of to do list.
It was the same shit load of things. Get up. Exercise. Practice. Eat minimal/distasteful food. Recordings. Practice. Sleep.
And if you wanted to step out in public, dress up in the best disguise you can and ridicule yourself.
"Seojun - shi," The manager had high regard to the star of the band. His temper / mood tantrums were a little too famous in the gang. "We have to do the Busan concert without fail - last time..."
Last time Seojun had a sudden change of mind while they were ready to perform in Gangnam and refused to play. The band had to play without him which made the crowd angry and upset. It took tons of PR acts plus the HFA Collab to help cool the anger.
Seojun simply nodded. He always nodded whenever he heard his name. Mostly because he didn't hear anything before it.
"Also, I think sa-jang-nim (CEO) has something to say-"
The crowd sat up, intimidated by the handsome yet cool CEO. Although Suho had a chill reputation with his employees, there was always an underlying tone of authority he carried. Whenever Suho spoke, everyone was bound to listen to him.
Seojun zoned out again. He slumped in his chair and felt his anxious heart beat loudly. He could feel the numbness seep through his soul, it was how the nightmares started. They'd first isolate him in a dark place - even when he'd be amongst people - and slowly envision him with a flashback of the triggering events. Once he'd replayed the exact moment, the surroundings would be inaudible and the screaming would accelerate.
If he somehow survived the audio-visual flashback, without breaking down, the next thing would be a very cold - frozen - hand that reached out to him and would try to hold his hand. Every time that happened, Seojun would run away to a secluded place.
That frozen hand terrified him. It scared and scarred him. He would have almost screamed when the hand reached out to him if he hadn't heard a familiar - comforting - name.
"Guys, here's Mr. Choi and Ms. Kang from HFA - they'll be with us for the collaboration until the..."
Suho's voice was barely audible to the man, but the moment he heard Kang Soojin's name - a sudden flush of light in his life - he looked up at the two new people in the cabin. He hadn't noticed them enter, he also didn't notice how the nightmares stopped. The screams muted, flashbacks fading and the frozen hand retreating.
All Seojun did was look at the woman standing across him, dressed neatly in a formal attire - black coat - and hair let down. Her eyes were fixated on him, and Seojun stood up inadvertently.
Everyone else wondered why Seojun stood up - a gesture of both respect and marvel - when the HFA team arrived but none of them (except Suho) realised how Seojun's hopeless eyes lit up.
"Annyeong, Han Seojun..." Soojin waved - a confident little wave, "it's been a long time."
_
a/n thankful to all the starlights (that's what I'm calling you all lol) for commenting and voting and hyping me to write. Your inputs help me a lot.