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Lixie greeted me loyally every morning since I fed him. He came running with excited mews that hobbled along his pace. And when he reached my legs, the soft purrs arose. I had asked Momo to buy some cat food because feeding bananas every day wasn't very healthy. And the way the kitten stuffed his face into the meaty goo, licking the saucer spotless after he was done, told me he was very happy with my choice.
Channie came closer but he didn't let him be hand-fed. So I placed the bowl of wet food a few feet away from him to let him eat in peace. His thick tail swiveled slowly over the ground as he ate, and he eyed me between chews to make sure I didn't make a sudden move toward him.
But Hwang kept her distance on the other side of the road. She didn't want any interaction with me or the cats. She lay on the ground, stretched into a beautiful line, and swept her fluffy tail gracefully from one side to the other, with her eyes set on me. In the shadow, those blueish-white irises looked like they were glowing. She licked her front paw to rub it behind her ear, cleaning herself. I stared at the feline with awe while my cheek rested on my palm.
I envied her, and the other cats. From what I've heard, they were stray cats. Owned by no one, yet still cared for by everyone. The philosophy behind it made my chest ache. They had the freedom to do whatever they wanted, no leash or a cage. Nobody forced them to be perfect. To smile. To bow. To take the hit. And still... they were loved.
After a week, I lost my patience. I wanted to go back home. But without a passport, money, or a phone, I wouldn't make it very far. Besides, Momo wouldn't let me even if I tried. She insisted I stay longer to give my wounds more time to heal. They itched like crazy, so I knew they were doing just that.
So I decided to venture through the neighborhood. The pain was dull as long as I didn't touch it, and walking would do me some good. I wasn't used to sitting still for so long and the walls of the house were closing in on me.
The village wasn't very big. It had a local supermarket that sold fresh vegetables and fruits. A bakery. And a few other small shops. Lixie's desperate mews to keep up with me followed me a few blocks until I swept him off the ground and tucked him in my vest when the area became more lively. Tuffs of orange fur swooshed by the soft wind, and his Dorito-shaped head bobbled along my steps. He was quiet, probably taking everything in with big eyes.
Another thing that reminded me of my little cousin. The last time I saw him, he had plastered himself against my car window, struck by the view. I preferred that image over the one of his snotty face when he stumbled into my dark side. I hated my father more for the fact he tainted his bright light than the punishment as a whole. It was fucking unnecessary. How could I face him now? What could I possibly say to Felix besides the ugly truth? Not sharing parts of my life wasn't the same as lying. But if he asked about it now and I would flat-out diminish it, it would be...
I ordered a coffee to go at a family-owned coffee shop, Kazoku. Which meant family in Japanese. A girl with Dutch braids no older than sixteen stood behind the register. She had two blue locks that reached her jaw, framing her face. She wore a bright smile, showing off her braces, and gave her brother right next to her my order. The boy wasn't much older, maybe eighteen, and had a lanky build with tousled, natural black hair. He was tall compared to his sister, and what must been his mother. The older woman stood at the far corner of the counter next to the kitchen, making pastries. She looked up when the soft chime of the doorbell rang and swept her gaze over me as she did. I pulled my zipper up a bit, not sure if Lixie was welcome inside.
A man came in, most likely the father, with a helmet clamped between his arm and side.
"Is the order ready for the law firm around the corner?" The man had a deep voice but was paired with kind eyes, which curved in my direction, and then widened. "Aren't you the man who stays at Momo's?" I curled my fingers around the carton cup, taking it off the counter. "I drove past her house a couple of times this week, and I think I saw you outside her doorstep."
"That is me," I said, hesitantly. This could go in the wrong direction very quickly and very badly. I didn't want the villagers to think ill of Momo. A man in her house when her husband was at sea wasn't a good look.
There was a heavy silence.
"Great!" I blinked. What? "Please take these with her, they are her favorite. She's so busy in the hospital that she forgets to eat. And then the baby and all... Poor child." The father rushed behind the counter and lifted a bag filled with sweets. "I was planning to bring it to her today but I wasn't sure when she would be home."
"Yeah, sure?" This wasn't at all what I expected. Back home, the gossip would have reached my father and the rest of Seoul before I even stepped out of this shop.
"Wait, these are almost done." The mother cleaned her hands on the cute apron with drawn whiskers and cat ears and put the Japanese delicacies in a small box. She had a light perm, curling the ends of her short haircut up. She was shorter than her daughter, I noticed when she came to stand next to her to put the box with the rest in the bag. Then she handed it over to me. "Make sure you eat too! You look a little pale, child."
"Thanks, I will," I muttered a bit flustered, and took the bag while I tried to keep Lixie from sliding down my vest with a hot cup of coffee in my hand. Their love for one another when they stood in line behind the counter was palpable. It was how the father had curled his arm around his son's shoulder, drawing him closer. And how the shoulders touched of mother and daughter. All smiling at me, and it was a bit too much. A very green creature clawed at my gut, and it made me uncomfortable.
I thanked them once again and walked back to Momo's home. When the streets turned deserted, I let the kitten walk on his own. The plastic bag rustled against my leg as I walked slowly so that Lixie didn't need to run on my other side to keep up with me. I sipped on my coffee, staring at the clear sky, and closed my eyes when a breeze fingered through my hair and the sun warmed my face. It lifted the tensity in my body I was feeling, and let go of a deep sigh.
♛
My nights were sleepless or short from a sudden nightmare. I lost count of how long I'd been here when I shot up straight in my bed with sweat covering my body. My shirt was drenched. My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath. Every cell was on high alert, trying to figure out where the fuck I was. I tried to recognize the shapes of my bedroom draped in darkness but nothing made sense. It was when I saw the beady eyes of the stuffed bear that blinked at me, that I remembered I wasn't home.
I pulled the covers off me and swung my legs over de edge of the cramped bed. It took me a few nights to get used to the small space, and a few tumbles out of it. My bed was easily four times the size of this flimsy thing.
Knowing sleep was crossed off my list, I head out of the nursery to take a shower. The bathroom had a cubicle shower with flower drapes that loved to cling to my ass with the littlest movement. The cold, wet fabric gave a direct chill and I cursed at it with a burning passion. A bubbling frustration coursed through me. It could come from the faceless nightmare that left me with fucked emotions, or the bandages on my back that were now soaked and annoyed me through the core, but I was done. I had enough of being a sitting duck. Enough of feeling things I couldn't understand. Momo was a sweetheart but she couldn't help me with this. Nobody could. This was an endless tail chase which was my life.
"Fucking hell!" The warm water rushed over my head, drowning me and blinded me with my hair, as I tried to peel the sheets off my back. The ones near my shoulder blades and the small of my back were first to be gone, the others I couldn't quite reach. A lump formed in my throat, an unknown feeling that made me choke. I banged a fist against the tiled wall, smothering a frustrated scream, and buckled through my knees.
I stayed like that for a while, hugging myself, and listening to the water that rushed past my ears. In the meantime, I tried to calm my heart and head. I hated the loss of control I felt when my father put me through this. Maybe I pushed those feelings so far away that I couldn't remember them vividly anymore but this time it felt worse. There were so many maybes to help me explain why that was, but I wasn't patient enough to give myself time to figure them out. I wanted to go home. I wanted to set things straight. I wanted Yang to pay. I wanted so many things that it made me breathless as I dried myself hastily.
"Where do you think you are going?" I almost slammed into Momo on the way out of the bathroom. She stood with her arms crossed and a tapping foot, like a true mother.
"You scared me shitless," I exclaimed with a palm pressed on my chest. "Home, I'm done here."
"Firstly, it's three in the morning let's wait a minute, there is no one to bring you home. Secondly, take a deep breath, I made some warm milk. I'll be downstairs."
Momo sat cross-legged on the couch when I entered the living room. She wore a grey mouse onesie with big ears on her hoodie. The tail lay draped on her thigh and her belly was a cream color. She held out a white mug with pink hearts when I reached her with an embarrassed smile.
"Sorry," I said sheepishly and sat beside her. "I lost myself for a second."
"I heard," Momo hummed behind her mug and took a careful sip. I mirrored her, smelling the cinnamon in the warm milk.
"You did?"
"I'm a light sleeper. Nurse, remember?"
"Sorry for waking you..."
"Stop apologizing. I understand you've had enough of staying here. It has been almost two weeks.
Woa, two weeks? That's longer than I thought.
I blinked at her, drinking the milk that warmed my inside.
Momo repositioned herself, her back now against the siderest and her knees pulled up so she could place her mug on top. She studied me like this for a while. I kept my attention on the mug warming my palms, knowing she was cooking up questions.
"So I noticed something," she began, and I gave her a side glance through my wet locks. "That white cat seems to mean something to you. How do you call her... Hwang?" I choked on the hot drink and snapped my head up to her. "Is she someone you like back home?"
"He," I muttered under my breath, an unknown heat crashed onto my cheeks, drawing my eyes back to the milk. "And it's not like that."
"Oh, I apologize. It was because the cat is a female I just assumed.."
"Yeah, don't tell him that. He'll punch my throat when he finds out a female cat makes me think of him."
Momo sniggered. "He sounds like a dream."
"Please."
"So..." the woman drawled, plucking on the plush fabric of her onesie. "He is someone you know back in Seoul?" I nodded at that, no use to deny it. "I'm sorry if I'm going to sound nosey, but is he a part of the reason you are here now?"
Another nod, my voice gone, and sighed when I leaned back with my head against the backrest.
"I want to share something with you because I think this will help you." A frown settled between my brows and I closed my eyes as Momo started to tell her story. "I have a daughter, her name is Emi. She's a preemie, which means she was born four weeks before she was due. It is normal for premature babies to be monitored in the hospital before they can head home with their parents. So I wasn't concerned, knowing she needed to stay those weeks until she was stable.
"I stayed the first few nights with her. Sadly my husband couldn't, he needed to fill in for his colleague who had an accident and went back to sea. I assured him everything would be fine and that I would contact him through text when there was any news.
"But after a standard newborn screening, they found out something was not right with Emi. She was diagnosed with Werdnig-Hoffmann disease, which is a spinal muscular atrophy, a rare genetic disorder that causes weakness. It affects motor neurons in the spinal cord, resulting in weakness of the muscles used for movement. And for Emi, it affected her respiratory muscles, making it hard for her to breathe.
"After the four premature weeks, she couldn't leave. My husband came to shore as soon he got my message and we contacted several specialists to help us find a cure. Because many children with this type of SMA don't survive past early childhood."
The tears in her voice were strong, affecting me. I swallowed and opened my eyes to look at her. Momo nibbled on her lower lip as she tried to hold herself together. The sight made my heart throb painfully. I felt useless and a fucking ass at the same time for being such a whiny jerk these past weeks I stayed with her. All this time she was worrying about her child while she nursed me to health. I couldn't comprehend how selfless this was of her. Or desperate.
A stab hit me in the chest. "Was this the reason you accepted this odd request? You need the money?"
"It was an easy decision. The bank doesn't loan us any more money, the hospital bills are piling up and the therapies we tried are even more expensive. Still, nothing seems to work. She's been in the hospital for four months now. I can't bring her home because of her breathing problems, and if something happens I'll be too far away from the hospital." She swallowed, her hands gripping hard on the mug. "But it is the truth that I wanted to help you."
Unsure how to respond to this, I placed the mug on the floor next to the couch and settled back into the corner with one knee up. There was a light ache on my back but nothing fucking mattered after hearing how her life made the sharpest turn. She carried her daughter with the thought of how their life would change, not knowing how drastically it truly would be. I was amazed at how strong this woman in front of me was. I would have broken down, knowing the time of my child's life was ticking by.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "For what happened to you, to Emi, and for being such an ass to you."
Momo gave me a watery smile and shook her head softly. "This wasn't the reason I shared my life." My lips parted but nothing came out. Her smile deepened. "The reason I shared this with you was because the day you stood at my doorstep I saw a very sad man. I hoped you would open up to me. I wanted to help you, besides cleaning your wounds. I didn't need to know why you got those because you gave me the impression they weren't the reason for your sadness, or at least not directly. Then I overheard you talking to the street cats, naming them, and I understood a little more."
"What do you mean?"
"You like him," she stated bluntly, not even asking. "And from what I have seen these weeks, you're battling an internal turmoil of emotions. And after our few conversations, I concluded you're not a man who relies on his emotions that often."
"You've figured that all out because I talk to cats?"
"Partly, yes. But it is also the way you stare at the white cat. I have come home a couple of times, calling your name, and you didn't hear me."
The tips of my ears tinted pink, the burn evident.
"Eh."
"It's fine," she waved the awkwardness away. "Long story short, I'm not telling you to feel sorry about me. I'm not asking you any of that. I'm saying life is precious. I visit my daughter every day, enjoying her life with every fiber in my body. I'm not going to waste my time with sadness but that doesn't mean I'd stop fighting for her. And I'm asking you to do the same."
I needed a moment to understand where she was going with this. My puzzled stare locked onto her face, making Momo chuckle softly.
"Go live your life, pabo."
♛
My heart thrummed rapidly, my fist clenched, as I stood in front of the smoked glass door of the VIP lounge. The club was busy as always on a Friday night, packed with a dancing mass that was clueless of the world outside their intoxicated bubble. Unaware of how much it took for me to get here. The weeks that had passed. The pain I felt. The hardship others have. Sometimes I wished to be a part of the seaweed that swayed along with the current of the sea, carefree. But that wasn't my life, I knew that very well, and I needed to be that shark in the sea that showed its teeth to let everyone know I wasn't someone to be fucked with.
The doorman let me in before I would ram through the glass door. In the middle of the lounge stood Han with Yang. The sight of Yang doubled the speed of my heartbeat. The hate I had for him, the anger I felt toward my father, the dull pain in my body, it spiked my adrenaline to an ultimate high. And I pounced at him.
"Holy fuck," I heard Han mutter when my right fist collided with Yang's cheek. But after that, my surroundings drowned out, and all I could focus on was making Yang pay.
I hovered over him as he collapsed to the carpet flooring with the first hit. Blinded by rage, I kept hitting him. Fist after fist, his face turned red. My knuckles were bruised, maybe broken, but I couldn't care less. I warned him. I fucking warned him! And this was a message to everyone in this fucking room. Don't fuck with me!
"Ya! He's knocked out! Stop! Fucking stop, you'll kill him!" Hands grabbed me, trying to haul me off Yang. I held onto his collar, my knees digging into his side to anchor myself. "Can somebody please get him off Yang?!"
That's when someone tore me off Yang's bloodied face. I soon recognized Seo dragging me backward. I jabbed at him, hissing that he needed to let go of me. The adrenaline screamed at me to fuck him up too. I was ready for another round, waiting for just one wrong look directed at me.
"Not sure what your problem is but go cool off or something." Seo gave me a slight push to the door. I wanted to snap at him but swallowed my venom when I locked eyes with Hwang. He looked shell-shocked with those rounded eyes and his mouth agape. I needed to leave this place before I was going to make the wrong decisions.
I left. I pushed the crowd aside and went back into the elevator. I couldn't see Hwang now, I was too high on emotions to act accordingly. But when the elevator doors almost closed, I found Hwang's stare pinning me down, and I knew there was no escaping him.
So I waited for him to find me. Outside on the side of Leviathan. I came directly from the airport and used the money the pilot of my jet gave me to fix a cab. In Japan, Momo lent me her phone to contact the secretary of my father to send the jet back. Momo brought me to the private airport with the car of her neighbors and I hugged her goodbye. I had never done something like that out of my own will but after everything she'd done for me, it felt the most natural to do. Because wording my gratitude felt impossible.
There he was. The adrenaline coursing through me slowly faded. Hwang had his hands tucked into the pocket of his dress pants, his head bowed. He didn't notice me as he kept walking straight ahead. It was when he was a foot away that his head snapped up, probably recognized it was me who blocked his path. I couldn't contain my smile when he gave me a startled expression, like little Bambi.
There you are.
"I promised I would come back."
☞ ☆