Author's Note: I've been planning to do a second part to this for a long time, and here it is. :D No, I'm not planning to continue it anymore after this, and I thought about including actual fanfics but since the whole purpose of this is to make fun of things in a cracky way, I think that could end up a little hurtful so... xD Enjoy the last part! :D
~ Tirana Sorki
By this point, Vader is pretty sure if he scrolls around on this website called "fanfiction.net" for more then a few more seconds, he's going to either end up killing half the planet's population, or he's going to delete the website from existence entirely. And since he doesn't think either is a good idea, he closes out of the website entirely, and promptly stumbles upon another.
archiveofourown.org
Vader cautiously clicks on the website, going to the Star Wars fanfiction section. He's almost certain that he's going to regret his decision, but he finally settles for looking up his children's names. He can still hardly even believe he has children. As depraved as people are on that other website, at least he didn't see anything particularly horrific with Luke or Leia.
He freezes in the middle of scrolling down the page, blinking a few times and suddenly wondering if the visors on his helmet are malfunctioning or what, because the screen cannot possibly say what he thinks it does. Still, the offending words refuse to disappear.
Luke Skywalker/Leia Organa
What? What?!
The only thing that stops him from crushing the computer is that he's tired of having to go... borrow new ones after he destroyed the last dozen or so. He lost count.
What kind of depraved madness is this? Or did the author of this story not even know what that means, because if not, he's scheduling an appointment with Sidious and Tarkin the moment he gets back from here. It's one planet that the galaxy would be better off without.
Vader cautiously opens the story, scrolling down and stopping at the author's note. Which basically reads something to the effect of "I know they're siblings, but people should be able to do whatever they want. Besides this happened in canon anyway."
First of all, Vader really needs to make a list of all the people he has to murder individually. Second of all, what do they mean this happened for real?!?!?!?!
He opens a second tab, frantically typing in the question that he's almost 100% certain he doesn't even want the answer to anymore. Apparently, since his life hasn't been bad enough, his children had to –
Obi-Wan and Yoda, those idiots. He understands the idea of separation and concealing them, but why not tell them as soon as they met, to avoid something this horrific, for Force's sake?!
He clicks out of the abomination, and keeps scrolling down the list.
Tarkin/Leia Organa
What?! If that sleemo so much as looks at Leia, he's going to – He will kill him slowly and painfully, and no he doesn't care how furious Sidious will be with him for it. Okay, yes he does, but it would be worth it.
Vader scrolls past that, stopping when he sees yet another fanfic about Leia. (Will people just STOP writing depraved fanfics about his daughter?!)
Jabba/Leia Organa
WHAT?!
What kind of perverted –
He clenches a fist and the only thing that stops him from totally shattering the computer is that it's becoming an incredible nuisance to find new ones. Especially since whenever he goes anywhere in the street people have the audacity to run up to him and say "What a cool costume!" Or something else equally ridiculous.
The moment he gets back to his own universe, he is going to kill Jabba, and level his entire palace to the ground. Or maybe he'll feed him to a rancor or a sarlacc.
Vader scrolls past the abomination before he crushes the computer anyway, mentally plotting Jabba's death, as he keeps looking through the fanfics. Although maybe he should stop, because it seems like every last one of them is literal garbage. Well, not all of them, but why are there so many "slash" ones? Why is that all people here think about?!
He pauses on another fanfic which is labeled: Leia Organa/Kylo Ren.
Who's Kylo Ren? He hasn't seen that name anywhere yet. Against his better judgment, he opens another tab, and types in the name.
The first thing that comes up is Wikipedia as usual – personally he thinks that's a very strange name for a holonet dictionary, but everyone on this planet is weird – saying that he's an antagonist who was introduced in the "2015 film The Force Awakens". What's '2015' supposed to mean? He doesn't bother to ponder it, just keeps reading.
And apparently his real name is Ben Solo, child of a smuggler named Han? Why are they shipping someone like that with Leia?! Actually... wasn't Han the person Leia had a relationship with for real?! Wait a minute –
He clicks on the link, suddenly extremely wary. He's – WHAT DO THEY MEAN HE'S LEIA'S SON?!
And they actually think Leia would – would –
Yes, he is adding this author to his growing list of people to deal with, and all the lunatics who even dared to read and comment on such a thing. If he sees even one more thing like this with Leia, he just might have to ask Sidious about bringing the Death Star here after all.
It only convinces him of that even further, when he goes out of the Leia fanfics, only to stumble onto some more about Ahsoka, except one of the top ones on the list is Ahsoka/Padme.
What?!
Not only do they write utter depravity with Leia and his grandson here, but they would also think Ahsoka would –
Padme was like her mother, or at least that's the closest relationship they could actually be labeled as having. They were friends, but Padme was very much a mentor to her.
Not to mention their age difference.
He cannot believe someone would dare to claim Padme would be willing to have a relationship with a literal teenager.
What is wrong with this place?! If he ever questioned it before, he can see more and more why Sidious always goes on and on about how the galaxy needs to be ruled. Because clearly they do, since they don't even have a single sense of moral decency.
Ahsoka/Ventress isn't any less stupid, but at least they didn't have a familial relationship.
... They were only enemies who fought on many occasions, until Ventress helped her for questionable reasons, and no, Vader would never let that former Separatist assassin anywhere near Ahsoka.
Ahsoka is far too light to ever be corrupted by someone like that – especially given that she wouldn't even join Vader on Malachor. He didn't truly expect her to, and... in the end, he doesn't want her to go down that kind of path.
He keeps on scrolling only out of sheer morbid curiosity, although the disgustingness of this helps fuel the Dark Side. No wonder it feels like such a dark planet here.
And then he literally spots Maul/Ahsoka
Because apparently these people aren't aware that Maul is practically the same age as Obi-Wan?!
If that Sith so much as gets near Ahsoka, Vader will... He doesn't even know.
Although this doesn't make any sense in the first place, considering how incredibly cyborg Maul is. The authors here are stupider than he thought, since apparently, that's still possible.
He follows a few links from that story though he can't say why, only to stumble onto a fanfic about Obi-Wan deciding to join Maul and Savage after they captured him during the Clone Wars. What?
They seriously think that Obi-Wan would be willing to have anything to do with a Sith? That he would consider them worthy of anything but a fate worse than death?
But, by now, he's started to discover the so-called "Obi-Wan" many of the fandom write with isn't Obi-Wan at all. His Force-presence is all messed up and wrong in almost everything he reads, because yes, it is possible to pick up on Force-presence impressions from a story, and very few of them are actually accurate. Many are passable, but this one feels like –
Vader scrolls down a little in the fanfic, and closes out just as fast, grateful for one of the first times in his life that his eyesight is poor so he didn't manage to finish reading that very obvious Maul/Obi-Wan/Savage content because WHAT?!
Obi-Wan literally does not know what that – any of that means. The Jedi don't think about things like that. Ever. They just don't. Not even... Anakin himself had, except when he'd occasionally spoken to Palpatine, who'd encouraged him to pursue something with Padme when he'd first implied that may be how he felt.
But Obi-Wan –
He wishes this "ctrl + z" could work for his brain.
Not to mention the utter stupidity of Maul wanting anything to do with the person who ruined his life and hurt him like that. How could he even stand being near him at all, much less touched so personally?
Vader is quite aware of what that's like, thank you very much.
And why would anyone be crushing on two siblings at once?
Disgusting.
That would be as bad as him and Padme and Sola – on second thought, there probably is such a story, and he never wants to find out.
He finds Obi-Wan/Grievous instead. (Apparently people are extremely obsessed with his former master in that regard – and he really could have lived without knowing that. If only remembering Mustafar could burn his brain out.)
And he will not even grace this with a further glance. Grievous and Obi-Wan despised each other, and Grievous is completely cyborg.
The utter stupidity of people.
Obi-Wan literally killed him, but then again, people seem to think that kind of nonsense sounds... romantic.
Whatever.
They clearly don't have the foggiest idea what things like that – or families of any kind – are actually supposed to be like. How do they expect to have a family at all with the kind of drama they write into those things?
The next ones on the list are hardly any less stupid.
Obi-Wan/Luminara
Seriously, will people ever get the clue that Jedi don't believe in things like that?
Obi-Wan/Bo-Katan Krzye
Are they that oblivious to the fact that Obi-Wan and Satine were... a little more than friends, at least when they were younger?
Then again, at least it's not as bad as Maul and Savage at once. Why is he even questioning this madness anymore?
Obi-Wan/Jango Fett
... Windu cut his head off. When would he have had time for such things?
Obi-Wan/Cade Bane
... Is Bane even humanoid enough for a such thing?
Obi-Wan/Cody
...
Cody is ten. So what, if he's biologically twenty?
Obi-Wan is twice his age.
And he's literally his General. There are regulations against anything of nature between people in the military, not to mention the part of being a Jedi that everyone always conveniently forgets, so Vader won't even mention that problem with it again.
How could anyone think such a relationship wouldn't be downright abusive?! Obi-Wan was... extremely unkind to Anakin on a frequent basis, and he never cared about anyone. Ever. He just – doesn't. And Obi-Wan was even more in control of his relationship with Cody and... ew.
Not to mention that the clones don't even know anything about that kind of thing in the first place.
Obi-Wan/Qui-Gon
What –
WHAT –
Someone would dare to write something defaming Qui-Gon's name like that?! They would dare to portray him like – like –
They would dare.
No, he does not care if they claim Obi-Wan was in complete agreement to such a thing, and even if he's Qui-Gon's student. He's his –
He will find this author, and he will make them regret ever getting such despicable notions in their mind. They'll regret every last bit of this madness (and for even thinking of making something so clearly abusive in nature happen to Obi-Wan in the first place.)
Vader remembers what happened on Zygerria a little too clearly thank you, and he knows enough of that from things that could have happened to his mother, and Anakin's family is not his anymore, but if anyone dared –
He keeps scrolling before he risks damaging his computer screen. They really are a ridiculously fragile technology.
Obi-Wan/Shmi
That's...
He doesn't think he can even label the emotion that suddenly rises in him thinking about what it would have been like had both... Anakin's parents raised him, but he banishes it just as harshly. Obi-Wan already proved he never cared for him, and most assuredly never as a son. It's ridiculous.
If anything, such a relationship would only have hurt his mother, and that is not something he would stand for.
Not that he ever had a say in protecting her for his entire life anyway.
Obi-Wan/Palpatine comes up next, and for a moment, all he can do is stare.
Anyone who even thinks Palpatine thinks about that needs to – to –
Although Palpatine is the one who made him and Obi-Wan raised him. They are the ones who made Vader what he is now, so maybe in that regard it's slightly less ludicrous as it could be. But that doesn't make it any less appalling.
Not to mention that Obi-Wan and Sidious have always been jealous of each other for reasons Vader can't even fathom.
But he wishes he had never seen this at all, because he's far too acquainted with what it's like to be raised by them, and having them both there at once would be –
Obi-Wan's lectures were bad enough, and Sidious' are just as bad in their own way.
And they both hurt him, whether physically or otherwise constantly.
He couldn't have handled both at once. It would be... it's already too much with just one of them.
And for some reason, the next fic that comes up when he continues following links is: Palpatine/Anakin
As though he needed the reminder of how much he belongs to his master, in every way. He is his to do whatever he chooses, but even Sidious would never do that. (Not as if it's an option.)
He wouldn't.
Right?
All Vader knows is he cannot comprehend the kinds of ideas people get into their heads, and he closes that tab far faster than he opened it.
He really, really should stop looking at this insanity and maybe consider watching the actual content in case it would help, but he can't explain why he looks just a little further down the page.
The next thing he sees is Anakin/Barriss, because apparently, someone thinks he might actually be interested in having anything to do with the person who framed Ahsoka, in any universe. Not to mention that he never wanted that with anyone other than Padme and nor would he.
Anakin/Mace Windu
Of all the –
Windu despised him. He always has from the moment they first met, and Vader had cut off his hand. Not to mention that Windu has been on the Council since before Anakin was even born.
On second thought, that sounds like the kind of thing people on this planet find... attractive.
Anakin/Dooku
... Right.
Because he would totally have an interest in Qui-Gon's master who was also a Sith who made it his business to torture him at every chance he got during the Clone Wars. Apparently, the stupid audience seeing on-screen that Dooku also cut his arm off wasn't enough.
And that he beheaded Dooku.
Wait.
Why is he still questioning this?
People think that plotline is cool... even if Dooku is old enough to be his great grandfather apparently.
Anakin/Yoda
Right.
Okay.
Yes, Yoda definitely would understand what that kind of thing even means, after he told Anakin to rejoice as Padme died.
Definitely.
A two-foot-tall green troll is also clearly a perfect biological match for a human. Especially one that he helped teach from childhood.
Anakin/R2-D2
...
...
Nothing further is even worth thinking about on that one.
Except that Artoo was the only one who didn't leave him in the end, so maybe that's why, because this world can't seem to understand any other definition of... friendship.
Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
What does that even mean? He looks at the plot, and it's something about him time-traveling back to the Clone Wars in a separate body.
What?!
Gross.
Of all the things in the world he could possibly want if he had a chance to meet his... younger-self, how could anyone possibly think it would be that?!
... Although if he's being honest, the only person who would be willing to stand him is himself.
Another version of himself is truly the only person he thinks he could ever be... comfortable around anymore at this point. He's forgotten what that means, really. (But why does everyone here seem to think that means it has to be like THAT?)
His children are alive, though, and as soon as he gets off this Force-forsaken planet, he'll go to find them.
Final Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! ^-^
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