My phone was buzzing incessantly on my bedside table. My body felt too heavy to move but I needed to shut it off before I threw it against the wall. As I reached for it, I heard the knock on my front door. I peeled my eyes open, squinting at the sudden brightness, even though my curtains were closed. I looked at who was calling and saw it was Jessi. The knock came again.
"Oh shit." I finally remembered we were supposed to meet up. I wondered why she didn't call or text before she got here. I groaned and rolled out of bed, shuffling to the front door. I pulled it open to see her standing before me with a grocery bag in one hand and takeout in the other, along with her phone. She frowned.
"Did you just wake up?" She asked. I nodded, stepping aside so she could enter. "You left early last night though?" She set the items on my coffee table and sat on the couch.
"Yeah, just tired." That was an understatement. I felt worn out. As soon as I got home, I showered and went to bed, falling asleep almost immediately. I looked at the time on my phone. "It was almost one in the afternoon. Shit.
"Is it okay that I'm still here? I didn't want you to change your mind on me but I guess I shouldn't force it on you either."
"No, it's fine. Lemme just go brush my teeth." I gave her a reassuring smile which seemed to relax her some. I hurried to the bathroom to brush my teeth then changed into sweatpants and a hoodie before joining her on the couch. She had set out everything she brought with her. Champagne and orange juice, apparently for mimosas, and a breakfast spread from Eggsodus, which was her favorite brunch spot. Waffles, eggs, bacon, and breakfast potatoes. She handed me a full plate when I sat down and I thanked her. "Why'd you sneak out so early yesterday?" She asked once we were settled. There was no way I was telling her about Chanyeol. There was no need to, so I went with my typical answer.
"Just tired." I said with a shrug. She seemed to accept that.
"We were talking about going to pick pumpkins next weekend. Wanna come?"
"I'll think about it." I said, taking a bite of my potatoes. Her chewing slowed and she looked down at her plate before looking back at me.
"So about yesterday..." And here we go. "I still feel really bad about what happened."
"You shouldn't." I said. "It honestly is kind of selfish of me to expect you guys to come running to me to find out what was going on when all I keep doing is pull away. Of course you'll get tired and feel like there's nothing you can do anyway. You have your own lives."
"Yeah, but...we still left you hanging." She said. "That wasn't really fair to you especially given what you were going through. With Sehun then Eric...I understand why you would pull away." I chewed silently. I didn't even know if I wanted to get into this. I hadn't talked to anyone about it because I knew how it would feel doing so. I didn't want to open that door.
"It's whatever." I shrugged, picking at my eggs.
"No it's not Brooke." Jessi was frustrated now. She set her plate down and fully turned to me. "I don't like this. I am your friend and I'm not going to let you just brush this off. What happened clearly affected you and – you know what? I'm not going to push you." She took a deep breath. I was already feeling myself shrink. Drawing into myself again. I felt nauseous. "That's not fair either. Look, I just want you to know that I'm here. What Sehun did was fucked up and we're not even going to go there with Eric, but, whenever you want to talk about it, I'm here." I nodded.
"Thanks." I said meekly, not meeting her gaze. My chest felt tight. I was starting to feel uneasy. I set my plate down and pulled my knees up to my chest. She glanced at my plate but said nothing.
"Is there anything you do want to talk about?" She asked gently. I shook my head and she nodded. "So then tell me what's been up these past few weeks?"
"Not much really. Just focusing on school to be honest."
"Boo." She said. I giggled.
"Tell me about you and Jackson." I picked up my mimosa and took a sip. "How did that finally happen?"
She was more than happy to gush about her new relationship and I was more than happy with the topic change. This just led to more hours of chatting mindlessly as we usually did about anything that came to mind. We laughed over a movie and by five in the evening, she decided to call it a day because apparently Jackson was needing her attention now. I hugged her goodbye, promising I wouldn't disappear on her again, and she left. If I were being honest, having Jessi over was nice. Having someone familiar with everything but not forcing anything was nice. She left the door open for me to come to her and although I wasn't sure I would ever take her up on that, it was nice to know the option was there. That she was there.
It started raining when I left my Law and Society course. It was as drab as it sounded. Every time I left that class or had to do an assignment for it, I wondered why I was making myself suffer like this. It was only Monday and I felt as if I needed a pick-me-up. I guess that was fitting for a Monday. I immediately thought of milkshakes. Then Mirage. Then Chanyeol. We still needed to go to Kahari. I wondered if we actually would. It would be weird if I asked him to go. Maybe next time we met up I could mention it.
The rain pounded on my umbrella as soon as I stepped out of the building. I was thankful my classes were done for the day. I had every intention of returning to my apartment to wallow. There was a weird feeling in my chest all day. It started from my brunch with Jessi over the weekend and intensified. Our conversation, as brief as it was, opened the door for the thoughts I kept fighting to keep locked away. I was losing the battle terribly. She also made me realize a few things. It's always easy to place the blame on others, but I had also been a pretty shitty friend. I avoided them and pulled away without explanation. I defaulted to how I was before college. Believing I didn't need friends. That they didn't need to know everything because we weren't that close. That if they cared, they would have tried to figure it out. They were dangerous thoughts because they only left me feeling empty, alone, bitter, and resentful. As if there was no point of me-
"Hey, Brooke." How he recognized me through the heavy rain and under my umbrella was beyond me. I felt myself tense up. I wanted to keep walking. I should have kept walking. But my body stopped. "Hey." Sehun sounded breathless as he practically hopped in front of me. He only had a raincoat on. I had the urge to hold my umbrella over both of our heads but I stopped myself. I kept my mouth shut and stared, waiting for him to say whatever it was he wanted before I walked away. He cleared his throat awkwardly, taking the hint and starting. "I – I heard you were at the talent show Friday?" I nodded. "What did you think?"
"Nini was great." I knew that was mean but I couldn't stop myself. He frowned, looking down and nodding before meeting my cold gaze again.
"Look, I...I don't really know what to say."
"Bye Sehun." I started to walk around him but he stopped me by getting in my way again. I let out a heavy sigh but didn't roll my eyes.
"I'm sorry." He spewed. I had a feeling he didn't even know what he was apologizing for exactly but felt as if that's what he needed to say. Or at least what he believed I needed to hear from him. To be completely honest, I didn't know what I needed him to say. I didn't feel as though an apology was enough. I didn't even think I wanted one from him. It wouldn't change anything. "I thought about what you said – a lot – and...and I didn't know what I was doing to you." I didn't realize I was scowling until I saw the panic in his eyes. "I mean – I – I was aware of what I was saying but I didn't actually register it. That I was hurting you and-." He tried to quickly recover but I heard enough.
"Bye Sehun." This time he didn't stop me. If he did, I would have screamed. I felt the same anger I felt when I kicked him out that night resurfacing. The same anger and hurt when I overheard him say those things about me. My chest was starting to feel tight. The quicker I got back to my apartment, the better.
It turns out my apartment was not better. I was restless and irritated and uncomfortable and could not stop thinking. Out of pure fuck it-ness, I texted Chanyeol but received no response. I kind of felt as if I were suffocating so I put on my shoes, grabbed my umbrella and left my apartment. Somehow, I ended up back on campus. It was pretty late but there were still a good amount of people present. Mostly in the library and the commons, which was where I was headed. I probably should eat something. I had lost my appetite when I left my apartment that morning and it just never returned.
I ordered fries and found a seat in the corner. I had my earphones in and I listened to music as I nibbled and people watched. It was interesting how everyone seemed to be with someone else. Chatting, laughing, not seeming to be burdened with the stress of college. At least not in the moment. At least not on the outside. I knew that everyone had their own stories. Behind the laughs there was probably something they were struggling with. Issues they were trying to hide from. Like me. They seemed to be better at hiding it though. At the same time, I didn't know them. For all I knew, they could have just had a breakdown moments ago.
My people watching was interrupted by the presence of a familiar giant. He laughed loudly, clapping his friend on his shoulder who laughed with him. He wore a grey hoodie, black beanie that tucked his hair away and clear glasses. I wondered how often he wore glasses. They looked good on him. It made him look less fuckboy-ish. Kind of. Definitely still fine as hell. It was still hard to believe that he was real. Maybe he was a figment of my imagination and I conjured him up due to trauma meaning I was slowly losing my mind. Seemed plausible.
I sighed and looked down at my fries. I really wasn't even hungry. I wasn't as restless anymore though which meant it was time to head back to my apartment. I looked out of the window. It started to rain again. Maybe I could wait a bit longer. I went to pick up my phone and it vibrated at the same time.
From: Unknown [21:32]
Are you usually on campus this late?
I frowned and looked up in the direction I last saw Chanyeol. He was in line with his friends but his attention was on his phone. Curious, I responded.
To: Unknown [21:32]
No. But it's not even that late.
I looked up and caught a glimpse of his dimple.
From: Unknown [21:33]
Touche
I was busy with a project earlier but free now if you still wanted to...
He didn't need to say it for me to know what he meant. I thought it over for a moment even though there was no need to. I knew what I was going to say.
From: Unknown [21:35]
Meet you back at your place?
We used a condom this time. There was no need to keep being risky. Pregnancy was not what I needed regardless of the other interventions in place. I know he said he wasn't as promiscuous as I probably assumed but with the way he looked and with the confidence and charm oozing out of him, there was no way he wasn't breaking girl's backs left and right. Who wouldn't bend over the nearest flat surface if he so much as blinked at them? He's lucky I wasn't in my hopeless romantic phase because I would have been following him around like a love-sick puppy and turn into a defensive Rottweiler if anyone tried to even breathe near him. It would have been bad. But I wasn't looking for him to lock me down. I just needed him to fuck me so didn't have to think for a while.
I moaned loudly and scratched at his back as he drove in deep one last time before I hit my orgasm. He released soon after and pulled out, rolling onto his back. The anxiety had melted out of my body and was replaced with a pleasant buzzing feeling. No thoughts. Head light. I was floating. I wanted to stay there.
"Did I make up for earlier?" I almost didn't realize he was talking.
"What?" I turned to him. He was tying off the condom.
"For not responding to your text earlier." He said. I scoffed.
"You didn't need to make up for anything." I said. "It's whatever." All he did was nod. It was a strange question, but I brushed it aside. He could have been fucking some other girl at that time for all I knew and it wouldn't have made a difference. Our only agreement was to be each other's distraction. He didn't always have to come running when I texted and vice versa. He had other things to do. He had his own life.
He stood to throw out the condom, then returned to gather his clothes. As I watched him get ready to leave, I remembered Kahari. But the words didn't leave my lips. I couldn't get them out. My heart was beating unusually fast at just the thought of it. I decided to let it go. He smiled at me as he said goodbye and left my apartment.
He was back again Thursday. Twice in one week was new, but I wasn't complaining. Compared to twice in twenty-four hours, this was nothing. He was the one that reached out this time. He seemed bothered by something. He was a bit rougher than he usually was, but I wasn't complaining. The way he had my back arched as he pulled my hair and slammed into me had me dizzy and practically screaming for more. Afterward, we were both spent, breathing heavily. Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. I went to clean up and expected him to be dressed and ready to go by the time I returned, but he was still in my bed, bottom half covered up as he scrolled through his phone.
"Wanna smoke?" he asked, still focused on his phone.
"I got a complaint from the last time." I said, settling back in the bed, now with shorts and a t-shirt. I remembered coming back to my apartment with a notice on the door basically saying someone snitched and whomever was smoking needed to stop. There was a notice on everyone's door, but I still felt targeted. I mean, it was me, but still.
"Boo." He frowned. I giggled.
"I didn't say no." he looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I shrugged. He looked as if he was going to get up but he stopped himself.
"I don't want you to get in trouble." He said. "We can smoke at my place next time." I had questions, but I let it go.
"Rough week?" I said after some time. He just shrugged but didn't respond. I knew for sure there was something wrong now but I wasn't going to push it. That was not my place. So, we sat there scrolling through our phones. Saying nothing. I didn't see the need to kick him out, but I wasn't going to lie. It felt kind of weird. Like I was supposed to pry, tell him to go, or start up a conversation. He usually was the one to initiate something if he wanted to stay for a bit which was never a problem. The atmosphere never felt so...tense around us like this. It was making me uncomfortable. "Shiiiiiit." He groaned.
"You okay?"
"I have a discussion post due in like thirty minutes." He had dropped his phone and covered his face with his hands. He let out labored sigh before peeking at me through his fingers. "Do you mind if I use your computer? It's annoying to do it on my phone."
"Yeah, sure." I hopped up to retrieve my laptop for him. I signed in and handed it over. From the corner of my eye, I watched him open up some incognito tabs so he could log in to his school account without having to log me out. At least that's what I assumed. I returned to my phone while he tapped away.
It only took him twenty minutes before he shut the laptop and let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank you." He said. I just gave him a nod. "I'm going to head out." For some reason I was relieved. I watched him get dressed then leave with a wave.
The days following, I couldn't help but to keep thinking about Chanyeol's strange behavior. I had never seen him like that – granted I barely saw him, but it was nevertheless jarring. I didn't know what to do with the situation. If he were a friend, I would have checked up on him or asked if he wanted to hang out if he was still feeling...weird. Being a fuckbuddy was very murky territory. I didn't want to crowd him to make it seem like I wanted something more than we had. But I also didn't want to leave him hanging all sad and stressed out. I know how that feels. On the other hand, he had actual friends. I may not know them but I'm sure they'd look out for him.
I was glad the week was almost over. I had three papers that were due and two exams that I had to study for. Two papers already submitted and one exam complete. I was on my way to the library to push through the final paper and review for my next exam, then I would be free for the weekend. I didn't want to think about school until Monday. I had some assignments coming up but that could and would wait until my brain recovered. Maybe I would ask Chanyeol to come over Friday or maybe one day over the weekend. Hopefully he was out of his funk or whatever the hell that was. Damn, I really sound insensitive and very emotionally unavailable, but it had to be that way. I just needed to get through until May, then I can leave all of this behind me and hopefully actually start to heal or whatever. Being in the same place as Eric and Sehun was not good for my mental health. And who knew how long this thing with Chanyeol would last as a distraction? He may grow tired of me at some point and find a new hobby. Then what?
I was only a few steps away from the library doors when I was stopped. A gentle tug on my arm that scared the shit out of me, causing me to jump back.
"Whoa, hey, relax." Eric chuckled, holding his hands up innocently. I glared at him and turned away but he stepped in front of me. "Brooke, just give me five minutes."
"For what?" I said with as much venom in my tone as I could muster. He frowned.
"Don't be like that."
"We've been over and done with for months. There is nothing we need to talk about so leave me alone." My heart was beating rapidly in my chest. I used to never speak to him that way out of pure fear. I was a bit emboldened by the fact we were in public. Before, I would still be terrified even if we were in public because he would respond when we were in private. Now, he didn't have access to me, which I was glad for.
"You really want to act like that?" There was a scowl on his face as he took a step closer. I leaned back, not able to move my feet. The courtyard was pretty empty being as though classes were still in session and no one wanted to be outside in such chilly weather, but I wondered if the few people passing noticed. I needed to get away from him but as always, I was stuck. Frozen.
"Brooke, hey." We both turned to sound of that familiar deep voice. Chanyeol was waltzing over with a smile on his face, dimple on full display. He was in all black today. Beanie on with his hood up. He looked sexy but that wasn't what I should be thinking about at the moment. "Are you just leaving?" He asked pointing at the building to my left. I took me a moment to get un-stuck.
"N-no." I shook my head. "I was about to go study for a bit." Even though I wanted to go home now, I couldn't. There was always the chance Eric would follow me back to my apartment and find out where I lived. He was the reason I had to leave my old apartment which was even closer to campus. My new one was nicer though so I guess I didn't mind much. However, staying in the library gave Eric every right to be there too. The library wouldn't be too busy, which was the main reason I was there, meaning...I would be fucked either way.
"Perfect, because I need a study buddy." He said. "Actually, I just need someone to keep me from getting distracted so I can get my work done?" He sounded hopeful. I don't know what country I saved in my past life but if studying with Chanyeol meant Eric would leave me alone, I was all for it. It was kind of odd he was asking me this, but I couldn't care less at this point.
"Y-yeah, sure." From the corner of my eye, I saw movement only for me to look and see Eric walking away. I felt as if I could breathe now.
"Cool, come on." Chanyeol made the first move, holding the door of the library open for me. I entered and he followed. Just as I assumed, the library was vacant. Few students scattered among the computers, tables, and cubicles.
"Where do you want to sit?" He asked. He really was serious about this. Then again, why wouldn't he be? I was still thrown off by Eric, I couldn't even make sense of why Chanyeol wanted to study with me instead of just going back to my place. Maybe he didn't want to give Eric any ideas about us. But he didn't even look in Eric's direction once... "Anybody home?" Chanyeol was waving his hand in front of my face.
"Sorry." I snapped out of it. "Table is fine. I brought my laptop."
"Me too." I followed him to a table in one corner that was big enough to seat four. Two chairs on either side but he sat right across from me. My back was to the wall and his was to the rest of the library. I unpacked my laptop and the notes I needed. When I glanced up at him, his hood was down and his headphones on. He met my gaze and gave me a small smile before returning to whatever he was doing.