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Paper Rings
chapter seventy one
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"WHERE WERE YOU SATURDAY NIGHT?"
"Do you want the short version or the long version?" Evelyn asked. Dwight blinked. A printed picture of marijuana sat between them on the desk. He wore his volunteer sheriff's uniform. "Just answer the question," he replied. Evelyn sighed, arms crossing over her chest. "I left here at five thirty after having to wait on Jim for who knows what. We went to Burger King to get dinner because neither of us wanted to cook. We were there for at least an hour."
"An hour?" Dwight echoed. "It doesn't take an hour to get your food." Evelyn stared at him, her gaze unwavering. He sat back, motioning for her to continue. "We ate in my car so we wouldn't have to put up with Walter begging for tomato." Dwight's suspicions disappeared with the mention of her cat. He'd seen just how much that old fella enjoyed tomatoes. He'd eat in his car as well. "I'm sorry. Please continue."
A small smile twitched at the corner of her lips. "We got back to my place, I fed Walter while Jim picked got out the beer and ice cream. And then we stayed up all night watching CSI: Miami reruns." Dwight sat back in his seat. With the edge of his fingertips, he slid the picture closer to her. "Tell me. What is that picture of?"
"I didn't leave a joint in the parking lot, Dwight. I don't even smoke." His eyes narrowed. She didn't smoke, that much he knew. She got sick just by smelling the smoke of a cigarette. "Alright. You're free to go." Her arms uncrossed and a smile pulled at the corners of her lips. "But if you hear anything..."
Her left eye dropped into a wink. She wasn't sure who smoked the joint, and she definitely wouldn't snitch, but she liked knowing that Dwight trusted her. And he could trust her, so long as he kept it to himself. Which, he probably wouldn't. Not if he was holding interrogations in the conference room. "Are we still doing lunch today?" she asked.
"I brought baloney," he replied. Her lips pursed. "I can make it work."
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JIM
So, yesterday, Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate, because, as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs.
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"Pam is telling people in the office that you're amazing at impressions," Evelyn hummed between bites of her cookie. Jim's brows furrowed slightly. He didn't think he was all that great, but he enjoyed the compliment. "Don't let Michael hear or he'll say you're stealing his thunder."
"Oh, come on," Jim replied, chuckling at the smile beaming across her face. With a grin, he took the bag of cookies from her and plucked one out. "No one's going to care," he replied. The office wasn't much for fun, anyway. And impressions, because of Michael, are not fun. "Maybe not. Or maybe they will and you'll become the coolest guy in the room."
He feigned a confused look. "I thought I already was the coolest guy in the room." She made a noise of amusement, almost like a stuttered laugh. Silently, she shook her head at the man next to her. "For sure," she replied, wetting her lips with her tongue. "By far. I mean, there's no competition."
"Shut up," he chuckled. His fingers met her wrist and he gave her a gentle tug. Her eyes softened upon noticing the love heavy within his irises. "Make me," she fired back, a mischievous glint now glittering in her own eyes. His thumb rubbed her wrist, eyes tearing away from hers. A heavy sigh slipped past his smiling lips. "You are trouble. Big trouble."
The kitchen door pulled open to reveal Oscar. He smiled at the two sweetly. "Hey, Oscar," Evelyn greeted him with a smile. He moved past her, reaching for the cabinet to get a mug. "Have you heard about Jim's impressions?" she asked and Jim looked stunned. He glanced toward her in disbelief. Oscar turned around, now holding the coffee pot. "Pam said you had a really good Stanley impression. I would love to hear it."
Evelyn wiggled her brows at her boyfriend. His cheeks warmed under the attention. "Yeah, sure," he replied, coughing out a nervous laugh. "Uh..." His eyes trailed over to Evelyn. She offered him an encouraging smile. It was then that his face changed, eyes hooded, face slack. "Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?" Oscar laughed, hand moving to cover his mouth. And, sure, it was spot on, but Evelyn couldn't help but cringe. Jim smiled, obviously pleased with the reactions.
Until Oscar ducked his head and left without saying a word. Until Evelyn's face contorted into a look of surprise. Jim turned to see Stanley now standing there with an impassive stare. "Is that supposed to be me?" he asked. Jim cleared his throat. "Oh, hey, Stanley." The cookie bag in his hand crumpled under his tense hold. "I was just doing an impression." Stanley hummed. "I do no think that is funny."
Evelyn bit back her smile. "He does everyone in the office," she said, hoping to ease the building tension. Jim swallowed, unable to tear his eyes away from the older man. He only hummed and turned away from to two, leaving them alone in the kitchen. As the door closed, Jim met her eyes. They both looked as if they were dying to laugh at the whole situation. "I do not think that is funny," the two echoed in unison in their own impressions of Stanley. Evelyn's face lit up suddenly. "Jinx! You have to buy me a Coke!"
Jim scoffed. "Oh, come—" Her hand instantly flew to his mouth to silence him. "Nope. No talking, Halpert. You're jinxed," she reminded him with humor flooding her tone. His eyes rolled. He wanted to tease her, ask her how old she is. But he couldn't. With another roll of his eyes, he turned on his heels toward the vending machine. Evelyn bounced behind him giddily. "So, Jim is not allowed to talk until he buys me a Coke," she explained to the cameraman following them. "Those are the rules of jinx. And they are unflinchingly rigid."
Jim made a show of popping the coins in with flair before jabbing the button for a can of Coke. When he didn't hear the familiar plop, the duo glanced at the machine. In red letters, the machine declared the Coke sold out. Evelyn gasped at his misfortune. "Wow," she exhaled. "Tough break." Jim motioned toward the machine, mouthing the words, 'come on'. "Sorry, honey, that's not my problem. I don't stock the vending machine." She shrugged slightly before giving in and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "Good luck!"
The camera followed Evelyn as she left. Once she was put the door, they panned it back to Jim. He wanted to seem mad, but a part of him didn't really care. He'd get her back somehow, some way. Just you wait.
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No one knew why Michael was against the drug testing. Evelyn sat next to Toby and Angela, legs crossed, staring at their boss as he tried to collect his thoughts. He looked troubled. Almost as if... he had left the joint in the parking lot. But Evelyn knew that that wasn't possible. Michael probably doesn't even know what marijuana looks like.
"It has come to my attention that some people here think the use of drugs is something to laugh about." Immediately, her eyes went to Kevin. Michael had been encouraging him to laugh with him all day. "We don't feel that way," Phyllis argued. Angela even agreed with her. Jim glanced toward Evelyn, and she knew exactly what he was thinking. Where is this going?
Oscar sat up, pointing a slightly accusatory finger at Michael. "You were the one joking around, calling Dwight a narc." The brunette nodded her head in agreement. Sure, he was being a narc, but he was just doing what he thought was right. To protect them, and the company. It was honorable, really. "No. Uh, no," Michael replied, shaking his head just slightly enough. That was a test, I was testing you. And you all failed."
"How?" Evelyn asked. "We complied with the interviews, and we not once made a joke about smoking doobies. And none of us are fighting the drug tests." Michael stared at her, hard. It fell silent as the employees waited for his response. He suddenly cleared his throat. "When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him?" he asked.
She looked at Jim in disbelief. He only shrugged. No joke, no sound. He was respecting the jinx despite how hard it was. She had to give him props for that. "How many of you said, "Hey, you know what? He's right. What he's doing is protecting the office from the evils of drugs"?"
"Thank you, Michael," Dwight blurted out. His face was growing red. He looked close to tears. Evelyn was happy he got a little bit of recognition for what he was doing; a little bit of praise. He nodded, even offering so much of a small smile toward his employee. "Drugs ruin lives, people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong."
Evelyn rolled her eyes almost instantly. Her arms crossed tight over her chest. "Everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny. But just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot." Angela rolled her eyes at Michael. He wasn't making the point he was hoping to make. "I want everybody to take a look to their left."
She turned to Angela on her left. "Now I want everybody to take a look at their right." She then looked at Toby. "One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year, more people will use cocaine than read a book—"
Evelyn reads enough for all of us, Jim thought. "–to their children." Evelyn grimaced. This felt like one of those Christian advertisements. "Where did you get these facts?" Stanley asked, not at all buying into what Michael was saying. None of them were, really. "Are these facts scaring you?" Michael fired back. "Or are they not?"
"They are not," Stanley replied honestly, and a bit bored. Michael frowned. "Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?"
"Mm, no, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants." A few of the older crowd agreed with him. Evelyn wasn't much of a wine person, but even she would drink it every once in a while. "Okay, enough. Enough." Frustration was starting to boil inside of him. "Enough!" he snapped, standing from his chair.
It was then that attention was finally brought onto the large notepad behind him. "I have written down a list of illegal drugs," he said, flipping the blank page back to expose the list. Crack, cocaine, pot, blow, acid, hookah, heroine, speed. It took everything in her willpower not to scoff at him. "Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?"
"Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael," Toby informed him politely. Michael sucked his teeth. "Yes, it is," he argued. Toby stood his ground. He knew what he was talking about. "No, it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or... a flavoring."
"Okay, you know what, Toby?" Michael interrupted him. "Pam, could you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and hair." Toby looked like he was going to laugh. "You can't do that," he said. And he was right. Michael was being weird. "I can test anyone randomly," Michael declared. "And I have chosen you randomly."
"That's not random." Evelyn rubbed her fingers against her hairline. She was starting to get a headache from it all. "Okay, eenie, meanie, miney, moe. Is random." He pointed at Toby with a harsh glare. "Okay. You know what? I'm gonna need a volunteer to select one of these words. And tell us of something... tragic that happened in either their lives or the lives of a loved one."
Evelyn met Jim's eyes. His lips pursed to hide his smile. He silently shook his head, pleading with her to keep her mouth shut. But it was too good. Slowly, she raised her hand. Michael seemed excited to call on her. "Yeah, Evelyn." She cleared her throat, head tilting. Her eyes flickered from Jim to their boss as he waited expectantly. "I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs."
His teeth ground together. Several people turned toward the tall man, curious about this story. "Really?" Michael asked and Evelyn nodded her head. His eyes were locked on her. It only fueled his need to get her back. "Jim, it's okay... You can... This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you."
She blew him a kiss, and it looked sweet on the outside. A girlfriend supporting her boyfriend during this difficult time. "It's okay. Just— we will not judge you," Michael pushed. "We are here to not judge you. Oh, he's doing it. Okay." Jim stood to his full height, hands moving into his pockets. His soft eyes roamed the room. He looked deep in thought, like he was having an internal battle on whether or not to share.
"It's okay," Michael whispered. Everyone seemed to be buying into his act. His mouth opened and for a moment there, Evelyn thought he might actually say something. Even her heart was beating heavy in her chest, clenched between tight fingers. A soft breath left his lips, his eyes watering slightly. After a beat, he wiped at his nose and sniffed. She couldn't believe how well he was selling this.
He shook his head, swallowing down the emotions he was trying to convey. Thinking of his grandfather's funeral really helped with the waterworks. He sat back down in his seat, mouthing an apology, hiding his face behind his hand. Evelyn struggled to contain her amusement. "Oh. Okay, are you sure?" Michael asked. "That looked like it was gonna be good."
From behind his hand, Jim searched for Evelyn. The moment their eyes met, he flashed her a wink. Bravo, she thought. What a performance.