"This. This is the most iconic superhero movie of all time," Freddie says, voice muffled as he munches away on the cookies. "I've watched this movie probably about thirty times."
"I'm not too far behind—my brother's obsessed with these movies too." I fold my legs up so now I'm curled against the armrest. "I mostly watch along because the Chrises are hot."
He groans. "Why are you such a cliché teenage girl? Watch these amazing movies for the plot! Or, look at that crazy chemistry between Cap and Iron Man. Yeah, they shit on each other the first time they met, but look at how coordinated they are while fighting!" he rambles on and I can't help but smile a little at the wide-eyed look on his face as he talks.
"Ugh, you're worse than Cole. I've watched the Iron Man trilogy enough times to probably write a whole psychological analysis on Tony Stark."
"See! Your little brother's a true intellectual. I can't wait to finally meet him."
At my silence, he pauses to look at me, and studies my face for a moment before easily nudging my leg and says, "Well, don't sound too excited about getting me to meet your family, Hannah. Remember our Spring Break plans?"
I throw in a smile. "You're funny, Archer."
"It's why you dated me the first time 'round," he replies proudly, then he sobers a little. "Anyway, you feeling okay?"
I look away from the TV. "Sure. Why?"
He contemplates for a second before shifting around so he's sitting closer to me. "I noticed earlier... in the car. When Keith almost ran over that stupid cat. Or raccoon. You seemed a little shaken."
I let out a breath and nod. "I was. A little."
"I remember what you told me that night on your birthday. About the accident." There's concern lining on his furrowed eyebrows. "I figured that's why you looked so shaken today. So, I'm asking you again, are you okay?"
"A lot better now," I answer honestly. "It was... it was bad. I used to have nightmares about it. Um, I still do, but I've gotten better. But there are some bad days, and that thing earlier kind of threw me off."
I can't look at him in the eye when my hand's starting to shake again. I hate this, I hate seeing pity whenever I mention the accident. It's why I never talk about it at all. I hate seeing him concerned about me. I hate having him see me all pathetic like this.
"But I'm okay." I smile and nod toward the TV. "Let's just finish the movie—"
"Hey, please don't bottle it up. I always know whenever you're doing that shit and you're doing it now." Freddie pulls me toward him so I can curl up against him instead. "You were... I've never seen you look like that before. I don't think the others noticed."
"Well, that's good. I didn't want them to see it."
"If you want to talk about it..." he trails off, watching as I shake my head almost frantically.
We stay in silence as the movie resumes, until he gently speaks up again, "You've been different since Thanksgiving break. It's almost unnoticeable, and I know you've been trying hard to hide it from us. I just want to remind you of what I told you on your birthday: you can tell us what's bothering you. Anything. It's our job, as your friends. That's what you've done for all of us too.
"Again, I'm not saying that I'll be any good at giving advice or consolation, but... I can listen," he finishes.
Slowly, I nod into his side, eyes still staring at the screen though I'm no longer paying attention much to it. And then, "I have this... irrational fear of being left behind."
The way Freddie's chest slowly moves up and down as he breathes calms me down a little. He makes me feel safe and steady. It makes it easier to keep talking.
"Though, I guess sometimes it's really not that irrational. It's just... after the accident happened, my brother left me. I woke up from my coma to see him gone, and I spent the next few years thinking that he was angry at me because I was the one driving and I got him hurt and that's why he left me. It turned out that wasn't the reason, but I still... I'm still scared. That it will happen again to me.
"Then he came into my life and I'd never put so much trust and love in one person until then. And then he... left me too. I mean, I was the one who did the whole breaking up speech, but... He walked away—or, I guess, he let me walk away. It wasn't easy for me... dealing with that. It was almost as bad as when my brother left. But I dealt with it anyway.
"When he came back, it felt like a dream. In some way, I think it really was. It was too good to be true, but I wanted to believe it. That he could be, once again, back in my life. That I could have him again. But then he's just... he's gone again. Never even told me why. I don't really think I wanna know why, anyway. I mean, I can't... I don't think I can deal with it the second time."
I feel Freddie's arms wrap a little tighter around me.
I laugh self-deprecatingly. "And it's such a stupid thing to get worked up over... I mean, there are people out there dealing with real messed up shit and I'm here crying over an ex-boyfriend who had second thoughts about me and left me once again. It's stupid. But it's... it's a fear I haven't been able to shake off, and it's put a gray cloud above my head that I can't escape and I'm just... I'm trying to deal with it. I really am. I don't wanna be miserable around you guys."
"It's not stupid, Hannah," Freddie says softly, just above my head. "You know what's stupid? There's this rich boy who cried all night into his pillows because his parents bought him a new fancy car instead of coming to his graduation. So, he rebelled and enrolled into some unknown university to study to become a fucking school teacher as a joke instead of studying business in his dad's alma mater like everyone expected him to, just to piss off the whole family."
That draws a little laugh out of me. "That poor rich boy."
"The poorest," he drawls. "Well, at least he got to meet this cool chick and came to learn how amazing she is."
"If you're gonna throw another flirty quip at me I swear to god I will kick you out..."
He laughs. "No, no. I mean, she's amazing. Probably one of the best people he knows in the world. She brings him breakfast every day, even though sometimes it's a little burnt or overseasoned—" He laughs when I slightly elbow him in the ribs, "—and she also lets him cheats off her on an exam he didn't study for because he spent all night long on the phone getting yelled at by his disappointed dad... really, I could go on. One of the strongest people he knows, too, though she doesn't believe it. Still, I should mention that she is one hell of a kisser."
This time, I smack him on the arm.
"Ow! She's pretty fucking violent though."
"Only when you're being an idiot."
We watch as Mark Ruffalo turns into a giant angry Shrek on the screen before punching a flying alien whale in the face. I'm slumping more and more into Freddie, already getting sleepy.
He speaks up then, softly. "No trauma is trivial, Hannah, and your issues are rooted deep, beyond ex-boyfriend problems. It doesn't make you stupid or weak. I understand why you'd feel that way, with all that's happened to you in the past." He lets me pull away from him so I can look at him. "If there's anything I—we—can do to make you feel better, please speak up. But first, I should thank you for letting us in your life. I know it couldn't have been easy."
He looks so earnest and honest that I'm starting to tear up... just a little.
"I can't speak for anybody else, but someone has to be one goddamn fool to let a girl like you go," he says, and looks at me in the eye as he does. "Like, a real honest-to-god fucking dumbass."
I laugh at that. "Thanks, Freddie. And thanks for agreeing to come to the wedding with me."
"I told you I'd be your backup plan any time." He smiles. "You should go to sleep."
"You too. I'll go get a pillow and blanket for you."
When I finally fall asleep, it starts off easy. Dreamless. Restful. But then, halfway through the night, I wake up with hands shaking both of my shoulders, Freddie's voice calling my name over and over again, sounding almost scared.
I can hear his voice, but he sounds so far away and I can't breathe. I haven't had a nightmare so vivid in years. I can still the phantom pain of every bone that I broke when I crashed the car, and I can still hear the sound of the windows caving in, the side of the car crushing in until I'm trapped and I can't breathe...
"Hannah, Hannah. Hey, can you hear me? Can you breathe?"
I blink open my eyes and it takes minutes to focus on Freddie's face looking down at me in concern instead of a burning car, the smell of smoke, a man walking away with blood seeping through a blank white shirt, so much pain... and I still can't breathe...
"Shit, I don't know what to do. Hannah, please. Can you look at me?" I feel him grab my hand and squeeze as he babbles. "Okay, okay. You're here, safe in your apartment, with me. Um. It's Freddie. Your best friend. Your favorite ex-boyfriend. We're going home to your parent's today for your brother's wedding. Pretty exciting, huh? Are you with me yet?"
I hear his voice, but it feels like I'm walking along a dark tunnel, my hands and knees on the floor, feeling up my surroundings to try to look for a way out. I see the faint light, and I'm still trying to reach it as I keep listening to him speak.
"It's 4 a.m., uh, December twenty-third, you're not wherever you are in your mind right now... Please just breathe with me. You're kinda scaring me, Hannah." Slowly my brain reboots and focuses on his panicked face, and I start to copy the way his chest expands, and fresh air finally rushes into my lungs. "You with me now?"
I take a noisy gulp of air and let out a sob. "Y-yeah. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."
He still looks panicked. "Hey, hey, none of that. Come on, just keep breathing. You almost looked blue it freaked me the fuck out. You're okay. Okay? You are. Can I hug you? It's okay if I can't, I'll—"
"Freddie," I manage a tired chuckle amidst my pathetic sobs, "yes, shut the fuck up. A hug sounds n-nice."
He moves forward and grabs my whole body, pulls it toward his chest. "You freaked me out. I'm sorry, I'm horrible at this. You were screaming and then you weren't breathing. Now I want to scream."
"I'm sorry." I can't help the tears and the hiccups that keep coming. "I'm sorry... didn't want you to see that."
"Shut up. Okay. Please just... lay back down. Okay, I'm here, I'm on the floor, is it okay that I'm here? I promise I won't do funny things. I just want you to be okay."
I drop my head back on my pillow, and Freddie moves around so he's now sitting on the floor with his body leaned against the side of my bed, rubbing circles on the back of my hand. We stay like that for a long time, probably around half an hour, just listening to each other's breaths until I truly calm down.
"Does this happen a lot?" he asks quietly after a while, tilting his head back so that it rests on my bed.
"It used to. But I haven't had this... not since my brother came back." I shrug a little. "Apparently today freaked me out more than I thought."
He's so quiet that I'm almost sure I can hear the sound of his teeth grinding. "What would you do if you were alone after your... nightmare?"
"Probably just cry. I don't know."
The hold that he has on my hand tightens just a fraction. "Then I'm glad I'm staying over here tonight."
I shake my head. "You shouldn't have seen that." You shouldn't have seen how pathetic I am. "You should... you should go back to sleep. I'm okay."
"I don't think I want to leave you alone," he murmurs.
"I'll be fine. I'm gonna... gonna make a call. I need to..."
I feel him slightly stiffen, but then he nods. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah... I don't plan on going back to sleep. I'll just... clean around the house, pack some more stuff. You look exhausted. You're driving later today, you need to rest."
"You don't look too hot either," he comments as he stands up. "If you do decide to get some more rest eye, just holler. I'll take watch," in case you have another freak episode again, I can hear the unspoken words in my mind.
"Yeah, yeah. I'll do that. Thank you, Freddie."
He nods, stares at me for a few more seconds, and then leaves, closing my door with a soft click. I reach out for my phone on my nightstand, curling up into a tight ball under my blanket as I scroll through my contacts.
A... Adam from the Coffee Shop... B... C... Clara Gibbs... G... Gina...—I pause when I got to the letter J before continuing—and then tap on the call icon once I find it.
I hold my breath as I listen to the ringing. It rings four times before the call gets picked up, and I almost sob in relief when I don't hear the voicemail message. The one that used to haunt me in my nightmares.
"Hello? Hannah, is everything okay?" The voice starts off rough and heavy from sleep, but slowly clears up as they hear my small sniffles.
"Hey, Tony..."