⚠️TW! possible ED trigger?⚠️
word count - 4878
Blood. There was blood all around. So much of it, yet, you didn't know whose it was. your hands were shaking while the oxygen ran ahead of you. the air was thick, and it felt like you couldn't get enough to breathe.
your throat was incredibly dry, and swallowing saliva didn't help. you patted yourself down. is it... my blood?
the ground was digging into your knees while you slouched over. following the trail of blood, you realize it wasn't your own. there was a dead body. it was uvogin. he's...dead?
some memories started to fly back to you. but one specific one stuck out making your heart sink; uvogin killed kurapika.
searching for kurapikas body, you found it far behind, and chrollo was jogging over to you from that direction.
but who killed him..? You disassociated from shock. it felt like you were waking up from a coma after something took over your body. or maybe someone
"Hey.." chrollo approached you, still uncertain if you'd send him flying in the air again. he was sweating, and there was a small hint of panic across his face.
looking at the scene before you again, you asked. "What happened here?"
chrollo looked at you confused, now standing on your right holding out a hand to help you stand. You hesitantly took it, unable to tell if this was his doing or not. he did seem a bit shaken up, but you couldn't pinpoint why.
he tilted his head slightly concerned. he suspected you had incredible power from the beginning. But what he didn't know, is how you failed to control it. he wondered if you were even aware of the power you possessed. "You mean you don't remember...?"
wiping off your now filthy dress, you shook your head in disagreement. the last thing you remember was crying over kurapikas body, feeling pissed that he was now gone. Everything was foggy
becoming stressed at the confusion, tears fell from your wide eyes. not only did kurapika die, but uvo did too. "but who..?"
chrollo didn't hesitate to jog your memory "Dear, you killed Uvogin." he informed. "what's the last thing you remember?"
you observed the scene around you again. two dead bodies, and one unconscious a further distance away which was
leorios.
staring down at your rattled hands, there were splatters of blood on them. "I-I remember getting mad because kurapika... and then uvo leaving."
"No. No, you got mad at uvo, then killed him." chrollo corrected
this had to be a lie. you tried your hardest to remember but you couldn't.
you did this?? how did you know it wasn't chrollo? Maybe Uvo attacked you and chrollo fought him off? you couldn't believe him, not after he let this happen. not after he held you captive. he was going to let kurapika die anyway whether you were there or not.
"What.... I?" trying to recall your last memories, you back up from the large body, tripping over your foot.
this couldn't have been you. only a monster was capable of doing such things. uvo had blood pouring out from his eyes and ears. One of his arms was torn from his body, and both legs were severely injured. it was like something from a horror movie.
"no no... no!" your attention was drawn to leorios voice. oh no...
immediately running over to leorio, his cries became louder on the way. "y/n! we need to go to the hospital!" he cried out
you couldn't stand to see him like this. you've always seen leorio mad, but never upset. never crying. "Help me pick him up! I don't have my kit with me, but I'm sure of his most critical injuries" he hovered over kurapika.
"leorio.." you reached
"HOW CAN YOU JUST STAND THERE!? HELP ME"
"LEORIO"
There was nothing you could do and he knew it. it was hopeless. leorio didn't know how long he had been unconscious. he didn't know what happened. but he knew kurapika was dead. and he knew he did nothing to help prevent it.
He stopped. hunching over the boy, he finally accepted reality. Leorio was too heartbroken to cry, too shocked to accept it. he wished this was a nightmare, but he couldn't wake up.
he only stared at the dead body below him. it reminded him all too well of his past. this was another life he couldn't save. he was helpless. he felt worthless.
Leorio didn't bother looking at you when he asked "..Who...who did this?" the agony in his voice was obvious.
"a member of the troupe." you replied. "but they're...dead now"
there was more silence. you didn't even notice chrollo appear behind the two of you, quietly and respectfully watching.
The wind carried memories when you smelt the fresh blood with it. you hated yourself more than ever in this moment. not only did you let Pika down, but leorio too.
"did you kill them?" he asked you
"No."
"Yes."
you and chrollo spoke simultaneously.
chrollo was the only one who knew the truth. he saw every detail from beginning to end. he saw the way your aura turned red. the way your eyes turned black. but most of all he could still hear your screams. something he'd never heard before. To put it into words, you sounded like a screeching siren. For the first time in a long time, he felt scared. but he loved it. he admired it.
chrollo knew he had taken part in it, so he also felt guilty. he knew he fucked up. but he wouldn't let you live a lie, so he blatantly told the truth.
"y/n killed him. and I don't blame her." leorio finally looked up, listening to chrollo. "after your friend passed, she became enraged. she held me in her nen and crushed his brains before my eyes."
you studied his words carefully. "but yes, the spider who killed your friend is dead." chrollo finished
"..and you..don't care?" leorio became angry, he didn't understand how chrollo could be so calm in a situation like this. not to mention that Chrollo was the one who knocked him out forcing him to miss everything
"It's over now. all we can do is look forward. and I forgive y/n. I'm just surprised she didn't try to kill me as well." chrollo admitted
as you didn't remember any of it, you knew deep down that Chrollo was telling the truth. uvogins death was your doing. it had your name written all over it.
disappointment sank in knowing you trained specifically so this wouldn't happen. so your rage could never control you again. but you let it happen. how else could you explain the blacking out? the physical blood on your hands?
leorio broke away from the body, noticing the horrified expression on your face. "it's okay yn" he tried to comfort you, but it didn't work
you weren't a cold-blooded murderer. you only ever killed someone if they posed a threat to you. and maybe you were still missing some pieces. Maybe Uvo said something to you? threatened you? the only person who knew was chrollo. there had to be more details.
a memory flashed before your eyes. there was a pool of blood pouring down. from the sky? no, mid-air. it was uvos. his arm was cut clean off as he fell to the ground. his face was terrified, as he locked eyes with yours. then the memory was gone in a blink of an eye. "it was me.."
Right then, it hit you. Uvo ignored your cries. He heard you begging for him to stop but he ignored you. Then, he walked away like nothing happened. You begin to feel enraged again but quickly shut it down. It was me
your heartbeat quickened, breath picking up speed. you were having a panic attack. too much happened in one night for you to comprehend. and that memory threw you over the edge. It's not like he didn't deserve it, but you were scared of what came out of you.
None of this would've happened if I tried to stop it sooner "This is all my fault," you mumbled.
"No," chrollo argued "It's not your fault."
you unintentionally ignored chrollo, as leorio stood up with the blonde's body in his arms. "let's just go yn" he stared down
pulling yourself together for a moment, you agreed with leorio. you needed to get away from this place. and from chrollo. if anything, he could have stopped this from happening too. Everything pointed to him. Everything from the day he killed kurapikas clan, to now.
maybe you were wrong to get close to him. because even though everything pointed to him, you could see the remorse in his eyes. you could see his genuine concern, the good in him, the gentle side.
he tried protecting you. but his mistake was not trying to protect your friends as well. but chrollo only realized that after seeing you scream your lungs out begging uvo to stop. after his friend's dead body was on the ground too.
leorio turned to walk away, and you followed.
"yn.." chrollo murmured
you ignored him, but he tried again "yn."
"no! You know what this is your fault. you could've stopped this sooner! you should have stopped it when I asked you to. why didn't you?" You paused seeing a tear in his eye. he truly was sorry. and was now realizing he might lose you. despite seeing his tears, you continued "Just leave me alone chrollo."
that was the last thing you said to him before turning your back and walking out of the scene with leorio.
the truth is, chrollo didn't know why he hesitated after hearing you cry. he had no idea. the best conclusion he could think of was that it was just the way he was. he's a ruthless, cold, killer. he's killed hundreds, maybe thousands. on any other day, he wouldn't have stopped uvo. That was the first time he ever folded for someone pleading. the first time he showed mercy in his life.
even before, he was truly convinced that you betrayed him. He'd been betrayed countless times before. Which is why he couldn't see what was right in front of him. His past took over. It's why he reacted the way he did.
this was the first time he was stressed in a while. having to choose between you and the troupe. between you and his old habits. For some reason, he chose you. but he chose you a little too late.
he understood you needed space. it wasn't the right time to ask for forgiveness. so, he just watched you walk away.
shortly after leaving, you and leorio ventured off to kurapikas homeland. you felt it was necessary to bury him where he was born. stopping at nothing throughout your travels to get to the destination, it took several hours. by this time, it was nearly 5 a.m. the two of you were exhausted when you arrived.
Putting kurapika here with the rest of his clan, was the only right way. more tears were spilled as your last goodbyes were spoken, and Kurapika was laid to rest surrounded by absolute love.
"in another life buddy, we'll find each other" leorio grieved
the sky began to clear with the sunrise. you and leorio silently grieved over the grave before you muttered. "by the way, his last words..." leorio looked at you, desperately waiting to hear.
"he said-" you held in a cry, "he said he was sorry. to both of us." you clenched your fists, staring at the grave.
suddenly leorio wrapped his arms around you. he didn't know what else to do. he could feel the regret in the air, your pain mixed with his sorrow was enough to know that the both of you needed a hug.
taken aback, your wide eyes watered up as you stood there stiff, feeling his warm body around yours. you felt even more regret pull on your heart. yesterday, you told Leorio things would turn out how they needed to. was this the outcome? burying your brother? your friend?
the good thing was, leorio didn't blame you. nobody did. you were the only person in your way. turns out, he blamed himself too. he broke the hug "I'm sorry I wasn't there yn" he avoided eye contact
you stared at him in disbelief. he couldn't possibly blame himself too. this time, you dragged him into a hug once more. "it's not your fault leorio"
he sniffled "Then it's not yours either. none of us are to blame. we won't move on if we keep pointing fingers at each other"
he was right. at the end of the day, you both needed to move on. someday. it wouldn't be easy, but you needed to. realizing this, you both broke out into a small cry, holding each other tight.
a ray of sunlight appeared above the newly dug grave, forcing you both away from the hug, squinting your eyes. trees around the area creaked, while birds woke up to sing.
A fresh breeze ran by with a singular red and yellow butterfly, landing on the crisp dirt. you liked to think it was a symbol of peace, and that kurapika was safe now.
after staying a bit longer to admire the location, both of you left. after this day, you internally swore to protect leorio, gon and killua with your life.
dropping you off at home, leorio gave you one last hug telling you to take care of yourself. you told him you would, but you knew that was a half-lie. he informed you he'd watch over the boys, and tell them the disheartening news. you lightly nodded, and with that, he took off
you dreaded walking back into your house knowing you'd be alone with your thoughts for days. maybe weeks. but it was probably best that way. you were far too depressed to associate with anyone at this point.
taking a shower and cleaning yourself up, you threw on some clothes then faceplanted into your bed. you laid in emptiness. thinking about every little detail. the only thing you were having trouble recalling was what exactly you did to uvo. You heard it from chrollo, but you wanted to know it yourself. You wanted to see it.
you weren't entirely upset about his death, only surprised. surprised that you were the one to do that. that you allowed your anger to go that far.
and chrollo, you didn't know what to do about him. truly. you knew he was sorry, but sorry couldn't bring back the dead. you were aware that he knew he should've stopped uvo sooner, but that wouldn't fix anything. You were angry, grieving and exhausted
when you woke up the next day, it didn't take long for everything to slap you in the face again. due to that, you didn't have the energy to get up. so instead, you throw the covers back over your head and force yourself back to sleep. when you woke up again it was around 4 p.m.
you grabbed your first meal of the day, which was just ramen and some crackers. every action you made, no matter what you did, all you could think about was kurapika. his dying face. the way his hand cupped your jaw.
taking a few bites of your food, you instantly ran to the bathroom, throwing it up. you couldn't eat when that was the only thing on your mind. you could still smell the blood that lingered in the air. hear the sound of bones snapping.
it was godawful. After flushing the toilet, you didn't even care to tend to the dirty dishes and leftover food in the kitchen. you just dragged yourself back to bed and laid there.
after that, your meals were limited to one, or none a day. On the days you did eat, most of the time you just had snacks or ordered food.
you showered every once in a while, probably once per week. you tried taking a bath, but then figured it wasn't a good idea after passing out in it, then waking up practically drowning.
days passed, and your phone rang a couple of times. you ignored the calls, turning your ringer off.
days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a month. you weren't exactly sure how much time had passed since you kept your curtains closed while rotting in your bed. you just knew it had to be at least a month.
as time passed, you started to feel a little better and gained some of your social battery back. finally checking your phone for the first time in weeks, you squinted at the light. there were two missed calls from Gon, three from leorio, and a text message from hisoka.
each message was at least a week old. calling Gon and leorio back, they informed you that they just wanted to check up on you. gon sounded devastated as well, but he and Killua told you that they left leorios place last week, after making sure he didn't drink himself to death.
"Are you sure you're okay?" gon asked. you could hear killua lurking in the background of the call
"I'll be okay guys. thanks for checking in."
you didn't hear from chrollo at all. he didn't make an effort to come near you after you asked him to leave you alone. it was like he disappeared off the face of the earth. again.
after hanging up the phone call, you confirmed the date. it was October 9th. it's been five weeks since the incident. five weeks of you decaying in your room, wishing you could've done things differently. living in regret.
pinching the bridge of your nose, you got up and decided today was the day to try cooking a real meal again. you didn't wanna feel sorry for yourself anymore. you knew kurapika would want you to move on.
making yourself a taco salad with hamburger, rice, and veggies, you practically shoved it down your throat. you hadn't realized how much your stomach missed having a well-done meal.
while you were putting the dishes away, the doorbell rang. your eyebrows scrunched in confusion as you weren't expecting anyone. a bit annoyed, you made your way to the door. it was almost nightfall, so the area became dim forcing you to flick on a light.
rubbing your eyes, you opened the door to a casually dressed hisoka. he wore grey sweatpants with a mellow red t-shirt. his hair was down, and his face applied no makeup. you yawned waking up at the sight. it was weird seeing him underdressed.
"cake?" he asked holding up a small container with a sweet dish inside.
before you welcomed him in, he did it himself walking past you. not having the energy to object, you simply sighed, closing the door.
redirecting your attention to the magician now in your house, he took in the view. your hair was a mess, clothes were dirty with some food stains on them. you looked and smelt as if you hadn't showered in days, and your eyes were baggy.
"oh my~" he accidentally said out loud
"What." you huffed, pushing your bad breath in his direction
he quietly cringed. "Nothing ~" hisoka handed you the small container "Here, try some"
you carelessly snatched it out of his hand, walking over the the kitchen and placing it on the island.
"I heard the news." he addressed the elephant in the room, following behind you.
you wondered for a moment how he came to find out, but then remembered he knew illumi. and well, illumi was killuas brother. you figured that's also how hisoka knew where you lived now. illumi told him.
"yeah.." you avoided eye contact, opening the container. "is this your "I'm sorry your friend died" gift?" you spat
"call it what you wish," he replied, observing your new home
you then realized you hadn't seen hisoka since that evening he and illumi fought. basically over you. the whole situation was pretty stupid, and you wanted to forget about it already. you knew at this point, you weren't getting through to any of them.
getting a sniff of the cake, it smelt amazing. the icing was white with red sprinkles on top, and you could tell by the texture that it was still fresh.
grabbing a fork, you took a bite. it was a red velvet cake. probably the best you've ever tasted. "so good" you whispered. once again, hisokas baking didn't disappoint. you ate it in a few minutes, already wishing you had more.
wiping your mouth, you looked over to the 6'3 man who was pouring himself a glass of water. after taking a sip, he sat down on the arm of the living room couch.
"would you like to join me on a trip?" he offered, placing the beverage down on the coffee table
you processed the question for a second and no longer. "no. thanks for the cake though. I'm going back to sleep" You began to walk upstairs hoping hisoka was smart enough to see his way out
hisoka knew you were severely depressed right now. and to be honest, he wanted to help. he hated to see those with high potential go to waste, especially you. he was nice when he wanted to be, other times he'd just tease and torture you.
which is why his presence caught you a bit off guard. but at the same time, it was comforting. maybe it was because you hadn't had a human interaction in over a month. or maybe it was just hisoka himself.
one thing you liked about him, was that he didn't show you pity. no matter what. no matter how bad it was. he just treated you like a normal person. he didn't rub your back and say "Everything's gonna be okay". instead, he just acted like everything was fine. and in a way, it made you forget about everything bad in your life right now.
"That's no fun." he booed at your rejection
when you made it upstairs, hisoka was right behind you. you stopped in your tracks to face him again. he stood there smiling, a hand on his hip.
"do you have a guest room?" he requested
you gave him a blank stare, rubbing your eyes with your middle finger and thumb. you led him down the hallway, and aggressively presented the room to him "Knock yourself out. just don't bother me."
"Hmm, okay." he surprisingly obeyed
you didn't know why hisoka wanted to stay here, and you didn't care. the most logical explanation was that he was either trying to escape some trouble, or he just wanted to bug you. Or maybe he list didn't want to drive at night. either way, you didn't give a fuck. you kind of owed him anyway for the time he saved your life, stitching up your arm.
so, you didn't try to kick him out. you were too drained to ask or stir up a conversation. plus, it was only one night.
but, you were wrong. One night turned into a few days, and hisoka was still lurking in your house. it was weird. but you gave up on asking him to leave, knowing how stubborn he is.
surprisingly, he wasn't being too annoying. He made you breakfast each morning, cleaned a bit, and kept you company. sometimes at night, he would check in to make sure you were sleeping okay without you knowing. it was kind of like having your own personal, unwanted, creepy maid.
the one place he didn't clean was your room. there was a mountain of dirty tissues over the trash can, a pile of dirty clothes, and misplaced items lying everywhere. every time hisoka tried to come into your room to clean it, he was greeted by a pillow to his face, or some other object.
he would ask you daily to come on this "adventure" with him, but you turned him down each time. in return, he stayed in the house. his goal was to simply get you out of the house, so you could find yourself again. this was also his secret way of making sure you were okay, but slightly toying with you at the same time.
without even noticing it, your mental state was improving. due to this, you took the longest shower you had in weeks. you shaved, washed your hair, and washed your body twice. the same day, you received a text from leorio informing you that he was okay, and heading back to school.
on day four, hisoka asked you again early in the morning. "are you ready to come with me now?~" he slid into your room
you groaned knowing he wouldn't let this go. "where fucking to hisoka?" you finally snapped
"A game. A game called Greed Island. I think you'd enjoy it." he sat down on the edge of your bed as you hid underneath the covers
"Why can't you just leave me alone?! Just let me sleep." you said, speech muffled
you felt his weight lift off the bed and sighed in relief knowing he left you alone. not hearing anything, you hoped he finally decided to leave the house
suddenly, you hit the floor, and a huge cushion fell atop you. Hisoka had flipped the mattress over onto the floor.
"what the hell hisoka?!" you shouted from underneath
"You've had enough sleep~ time to get up." hisoka lifted the mattress off of you, and you were greeted with his stupid smile, which was subtle and sarcastic.
he watched you struggle to stand up, throwing a blanket off yourself, and slipping over dirty tissues. the room was dark so it was difficult to see your face, but hisoka was aware that you were pissed.
"I'll be waiting in the car." he dismissed, exiting your house for the first time in nearly five days.
Car??
you poked your head around the draped window, squinting at the light. there was a jet-black car parked in the driveway, with pink tinted rims. it was hisokas car. you didn't even know hisoka had a car. furthermore, you hadn't realized the car was here this entire time. what the fuck. since when did he get a car?
leaving the curtain open, you tried to convince yourself you needed some fresh air. as much as you wanted to mope around, you knew kurapika wouldn't allow it either.
throwing on a desired outfit and fixing your hair, you met hisoka in his vehicle. the interior was far more detailed. the first thing you notice is the strong scent. It was a mix of birthday cake and men's cologne.
the windows were tinted, and he had some ace cards with dice hanging from the rearview mirror. "nice car." you complimented
"Thank you~" he responded. watching you adjust into the passenger's seat, he took note that you looked much better than when he first got here. even though your eyes were still drained, your hygiene improved, as well as your attitude.
hisoka waited for you to fasten your seatbelt, then took off.
"So, what's Greed Island anyway?" you asked
he gripped the wheel with one hand "To put it simply; It's a video game created for hunters. to finish, you must collect 100 restricted cards."
"sounds pretty easy" you shrugged
"you think?" he made you think again "The game cost 8 billion. and that's without biding prices~"
what!? "8 billion?! So how are we getting one?"
"I've already acquired one. it's in the trunk." he pressed on the gas a bit, eager to get to the destination
"If you already have one, then where are we going?" you said, staring at the road ahead
hisoka turned a corner. "somewhere private so no one can interrupt," he answered
your curiosity grew. you didn't like hopping into vehicles not knowing where you were going, but to your surprise, you trusted hisoka enough. "ok..? So how long will we be playing?"
"Long." he cooed
his answers were short. he didn't want to ruin the element of surprise for you because he thought it'd be more entertaining that way.
you took a moment to think. if we're going somewhere private, then the game must be dangerous. it has to be if it was only made for hunters. but why does it cost so much?
"hisoka" you caught his attention "Why is it so expensive? What are we really doing?" with something of that value, there has to be more to this
"The game is not virtual. you see, we'll be going into the game." his gaze caught yours for a moment "You'll find out more soon enough, I don't want to spoil it for you"
looking at the jester driving, you could see the excitement on his face. it made you nervous. knowing hisoka, the things that got him excited was usually life-threatening.
re-thinking your life choices, you sighed in anticipation of whatever he would lead you into.
...