Having moved into the house, I just laid in bed all day, I didn't have much motivation anymore.
I had been signed off work and I wasn't allowed to leave the house because of news companies and the public so i laid in bed all day.
Gwendoline would watch me, I could feel her eyes on me but I never acknowledged it.
The only time we spoke was when she would bring me food. I hadn't told her that she was the thing that pushed me over the edge, that's just really mean.
I watched all the TV possible, even watching myself and Gwendoline in Game of Thrones.
My father was still away and I couldn't be bothered to phone him. Alex would pop in a few times a day, making sure I was OK. I wasn't but what could they do.
I knew I should talk to someone, this was important but I didn't want to talk to my therapist and my dad was away. Alex as much as I loved her, it would be awkward and Nikolaj was working, so Gwendoline it was.
She walked into my room, bringing me a cup of tea.
"Hey Olivia, you alright?" She asked, she asked every time. And every time, I answered yes.
"Can we talk?" I ask quietly.
She nods.
"Sit." I point to the bed and she complies.
"I don't really want to trauma dump on you but I just need someone to talk to about this all, can I talk to you?"
"I'm here for whatever." She smiles.
"So at 16, I was struggling with major anxiety, body dyspmorphia and some othed stuff and it all became so much, i became suicidal. Being a child actor was a lot of pressure, especially as you grew older as you weren't sure if you would get roles. And as a Nepotism baby, there's the extra hate. I will admit I would be nowhere near as successful without my dad but people never really saw that I was capable of stuff. It became worse and that's when I made the first attempt, my dad found me but I refused therapy. I did eventually agree, after I didn't stop and my dad found out. At 24, I decided to rejoin the acting world after taking a break the previous year. And I loved it. I stopped harming and stopped therapy and I was happy, I made so many friends. Then at the start of the year, everything came back, I don't know why, when, how, one day I was fine and then the next I started to feel anxious again and I started to hate my body. I tried so hard not to do anything, I had been clean for years. But I couldn't, it became worse. I was getting a lot of hate for my job directing Game of Thrones and I really wasn't happy. Nikolaj tried to help me but nothing worked. That's why I was either angry or out of it. I was so frustrated and tired and I just wanted to go. Then someone said something that pushed me over the edge, I couldn't take it anymore, I thought everyone would be better off without me!" I was crying by the end.
Gwendoline took me into her arms and let me cry.
"Well I think you are very brave and incredible and you are a talented actress and director. And I'm sorry for when I snapped at you, that wasn't right."
"It's ok, I'm trying to get back to being happy really, I need to stay, for my dad, Nikolaj and you if you'll have me?" I joked a little.
"I'll have you, just please stay." She whispered.
"I will."
She left to go get herself a drink and then I fell asleep.
Over the next few months, I pushed myself to talk more to Gwendoline about everything and I felt better. It was so nice to have a weight lifted. I got out of bed a month later, feeling happy to still be alive. Although it took a while to realise, I was glad I was alive, I had received countless cards, flowers and messages, making me think people maybe do care.
It had now been 4 months since my attempt and I think I was getting better. Maybe life was worth living. I had found a great confidant within Gwendoline and we grew close again, being great friends. Although the thoughts still lingered, I pushed, I needed to stay alive, for my dad, for Nikolaj, for Gwendoline, for myself. As much as I wish I died that day, the amount of concern and worry in Gwendoline has comforted me almost, she does care and I should be here.
After the media found out, I received countless messages from fans and friends and I was almost glad it didn't work again. I didn't really think about the thousands who would be affected if I died, by my own hands nonetheless. It was good I stayed alive I came to the decision.
People care, they love me and I need to love myself, im glad I didn't die that day, i think I'm slowly healing.
900 words
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