Atlas gave up trying to fill the hollowness and simply enjoyed the view. He let himself be present in that moment, his thoughts and memories ceased to exist for just that moment. Feeling the weight of the world lift from his shoulders, he felt lighter in that moment of pretence.
At least, Atlas knew when he was pretending that everything was ok. Makenna was so far gone that she had no idea the life she was living was her pretending to be someone she wasn't, most of the time. The other few times, when she wasn't pretending, she barely allowed herself to indulge in the things that she wanted to. Holding back and feeling guilty for allowing herself moments like those, like the Sundays away.
The first year she started making that her Sunday ritual, she harboured a pang of guilt for letting herself those moments of peace and quiet, but as time passed and years went by, she had been able to get past the guilt and allow herself to embrace those moments.
She remembered going through all the emotions like it was just yesterday. After the first Sunday away, she went back to her dorm wracked with guilt, wondering why she'd gone there in the first place, thinking she had no right to have a moment of peace when her best friend was gone.
So many times, she'd wondered why Rachel, why not her? She'd asked God that question so many times after the accident, that she lost count after the first month in her self-imposed isolation.
She thought, if Rachel couldn't be there to enjoy those moments, she had no right to enjoy them either.
She went through the feelings for over three months, her brain and her heart in a constant battle about why she went there in the first place and the latter feeling like she had the right to a few moments of peace after everything she'd been through. By the end of the fourth month, her feelings were pent up so much so that she felt full up to her throat. She'd gone back there the following Sunday and wasted no time taking her shoes off and walking right to the shoreline, she fell to her knees and let out all of that emotion in form of tears. She bawled right there, not bothering to check if anyone else was present before she let herself go like that.
Makenna sighed thinking about that moment which prompted Vanessa to look up from what she was reading.
They'd come to the library after class to get started on a new assignment due the following day. The crazy professor.
"Are you ok?" Vanessa asked,
Makenna looked up to meet her gaze and nodded in confusion,
"Yea."
"You sighed and it sounded really ominous."
"Oh," Makenna hadn't meant to externalize what was going through her mind, "No, I'm ok."
Vanessa waited as she kept her gaze on Makenna. She'd known Makenna for a few years and still, Makenna never voiced any of her problems. Vanessa on the other hand, even though she was slow to trust people, she'd told Makenna literally almost everything about herself and her family over the past few years.
"You're never going to trust me, are you?"
Makenna, who had gone back to read what she was reading, lifted her gaze to meet Vanessa's.
"What do you mean?"
"You never talk about anything other than college related stuff."
Makenna shrugged,
"There's nothing to tell."
"Mac, we've known each other for three years and you know a lot about me. I feel like a bad friend for knowing nothing about you other than the friends you hang out with. And that's just because I saw you guys at Metro coffee a few times."
"I'm a...private person."
"Well, so am I."
Makenna opened her mouth and shut it when nothing came out,
"I don't know what to say."
"Do you have a hard time trusting people?"
"I wouldn't say I do." Makenna said, "I've just..."
For the first time since the accident, Makenna thought about telling Vanessa that she'd been through a lot and leaving it at that. No one except her family, the police and the doctor who'd been on duty that night knew what she'd been through. In her opinion that was plenty enough. If she had a choice, she would have preferred just the police and the doctor to be aware and spare her family the heartache of knowing. It would have been easier on her as well if her family knew nothing about it. She would've worked twice as hard to make them unaware of it, which meant her self-imposed isolation wouldn't have happened. But what's done was done, she couldn't go back and change anything and even if she had the chance to, she would have chosen to go and for Rachel to live.
"You only opened up to me when you started to trust me," Makenna smiled at Vanessa, "Which took close to a year."
Vanessa laughed as quietly as she could so she didn't disturb anyone around,
"I remember that first time I came up to you after Mrs. Kim told me to," Vanessa said, "I know it's not right to judge anyone by their appearance but everything about you screamed for me to turn around and run."
Makenna chuckled to herself,
"Yet you didn't."
"I'm glad I didn't." She paused, "You're different from who you seem to be."
Makenna felt like she'd been hit on the head with something which made her head spin and ache at the same time. Her left hand, which was covered with the book that was open in front of her, clenched so tight she felt her nails dig into the heel of her palm.
Vanessa, who'd just complained about not knowing anything about her, hit her hard where it hurt. A sore spot she had buried and forgotten about.
Makenna's heart rate sped up as her mind wandered to a place she hadn't let herself walk before. She'd changed everything from her appearance to the person she was. She'd done everything to be the person that she was, to be the person on the inside that she was on the outside. Yet Vanessa had just told her something she wanted to unhear.
"I'm going to head out," Makenna rose and put away her books,
"What?" Vanessa was just as confused as Makenna,
"I've got somewhere better to be."
Makenna didn't look at Vanessa as she packed up and hurried out of the library, not caring to return the books she had left on the table.
Vanessa watched Makenna walk away wondering what had just happened.
"What the?" Vanessa muttered before sighing and refocusing on what she'd been studying, or rather, she tried to focus.
IMPORTANT! PLEASE HELP!!
Hey guys, I need your help with a pretty important detail for this story. I really hope you drop your comments on this because there's a lot of history and future scenes that would revolve around this minor detail.
I haven't picked a signature scent for Makenna, or Atlas (THE HORROR!) I'm currently working on a chapter that requires me to mention this detail. I know how a lot of Wattpadders feel about Vanilla and I thought I would leave the choice up to you guys.
I've narrowed my search down to 5 perfumes and my thought process was going for something that physically represents her but has notes that contradict Makenna's whole aesthetic. I would appreciate it if you guys could comment on which one you like and I'll go for the one with the most likes. So, here are the top contenders:
Christian Dior - Hypnotic Poison
YSL - Black Opium
Versace - Crystal Noir
Chanel No 5 - L'Eau Rouge
Chanel - Coco Noir
Please, do leave a heart, or anything to signify which one you would want as her signature scent. I don't know what these perfumes smell like but I really hope that I can have a winner before I begin the next chapter.
Love you muchly.