a/n: hello everyone. i know we all collectively hate big john this season, but you're gonna have to suffer him for a few chapters. i DON'T intend on making brizo join him and jb in all his endevours, however, it is important for her storyline to be reunited with him. that's the only and sole reason i didn't have her go with the rest of the pogues. with this being said, please be respectful (not towards big john) and enjoy the chapter <3
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CHAPTER NINE
sons and daughters and fathers
I like to think I had a very lovely childhood.
Our mother left us when we were three. Left John B and I with our dad. My brother says he remembers the night she left, vaguely of course. But he keeps memories of her. I don't.
I just remember waking up one day, and she just wasn't there anymore. I don't think I'd recognize her if I saw her today. We keep pictures of her in our house, but I don't look at them often. It feels wrong.
For the whole time growing up, it was just us and our pops.
And the Merchant, of course.
He wasn't the best father in the whole world, but in some ways, he was the best father you could imagine.
I remember when he would take us on our little boat to fish. I refused to learn, even though he insisted on teaching me. Only John B joined him with fishing rods. I'd spend my time reading or drawing.
Then we grew older, and we reached puberty. You'd think our dad would've gone insane having two teenagers under his roof. But he managed just fine.
He taught us we had to work if we wanted something. Opposite to JJ's beliefs on the art of stealing. Our father didn't want us to be like that. He taught us how to work, and what to do after work.
He came to the beach, brought beers for JJ, John B and I, and drank with us, laughing and hearing about how John B had fallen while trying to ride a wave. I remember clearly laughing when JB suggested that he let him smoke pot if he got a B in our next test. He smoked it regardless.
Our pops always was more of a friend than a father. He wasn't overprotective at all. Well, he let John B be overprotective when it came to me. He used to laugh a lot about our bickering.
But like any family, we had our moments. I remember the last day I saw him.
We were short on money that month. We were struggling to pay the bills. Dad had suggested we sold the Twinkie and John B had gone ballistic over it.
I remember sitting in our living room, texting JJ, when John B walked out of the house slamming the door behind him.
"You're not being reasonable!" My father had followed him outside.
I had gone, too, because I knew the Twinkie was a sensitive issue between both of them. I witnessed John B yelling at him frustrated how we were not going to sell the car.
"You are the worst dad ever!" He had said, before getting in the car.
"We'll just sell it now!"
"Dad, I don't think-"
"Don't get into this, Brizo!" He had shouted at me when I tried to help. He then ran after John, trying to stop him from getting in the Twinkie. "I'll buy you a brand-new van the second I get the Merchant gold."
But my brother didn't listen to him. He got in the car, closed the door and started the motor.
"You get in that van, you don't come back!" My father had yelled. I still remember my brother's face. He made his decision at that moment to drive away. And my father stood there, watching him go. "You hear me, John B? Don't you come back!"
My father stormed back into the house. I had followed him inside, trying to calm him down, but he didn't listen. He went into his office and grabbed his papers and diary. Put everything in a bag and told me to do the same.
"What? Where are you going?" I asked.
"We are going to find the Merchant." He said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
"No." I shook my head. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Brizo, I'm not asking. We're finding-"
"I said no!" I remember yelling, "I have to stay here, for when John B gets back."
"Brizo-"
"No! You didn't need to yell at him like that! You're always doing this! Talking about the gold and what you will do when you find it. But what about us? Huh? What about now?"
"The gold can change our lives. I'm going to find it."
I remember chuckling, feeling my lips salty because of my tears. "John B is right. You really are the worst dad ever."
I remember my father took a breath, and pursed his lips. He looked disappointed. I regretted the words as soon as they left my lips. I remember I thought I'd make it up to him, I planned on making his favorite meal for dinner. But he never got to eat it.
Because he left and never came back. John B did though. And we ate in silence, waiting and waiting for our dad for hours. And those hours turned to days, weeks and months.
That was the last time we saw him.
It is one thing to lose a father. It is another thing to never get to say goodbye.
"Please, let it be him." I hear my brother's voice pulling me back to reality and out of my thoughts.
He's whispering to himself, I don't think he wanted me to hear it. I pretend I heard nothing.
We walk in the church hand in hand. I don't think I can do this if I let him go. I've never felt such a hope in my chest. This... urge for it all to be real. For our father to be alive.
The floor creaks as we slowly wander inside. The golden rays of sun keep the place lit up enough for us to understand what is around us.
We climb up the spiral staircase, one hand holding John B's and the other on the handrail to keep the shaking at bay.
If it's really him, what should I say first? I'm sorry I said you're the worst father ever? I'm glad you're alive? I hate you?
I come to the realization that I don't know how I feel about my father. I've always cared about him, I miss him and I obviously never wanted him to die. But I've been so angry. I've blamed him for everything that has happened to us.
He left us. He left us with nothing but a tape recorder and a map to the Merchant. He has put us through so much.
John B nearly died in that storm. I've been shot. What if any of us had to have grown without the other for the rest of our lives? Did he ever think about that before leaving?
The door creaks open, and John B holds his breath, pushing me back, putting me behind him, both of us hidden behind a wall. He keeps his arm stretched out, protecting me, and he keeps looking down at the floor, as if he wasn't ready to face whoever is coming through the door.
He finally moves forward, and I follow him. We walk side by side, heavy breathing, till we reach the staircase.
My lip quivers, seeing the man that looks out of the window just a few steps below us. He doesn't see us, but it doesn't matter. Because he's real, and he's there.
Or at least that's what I think, before my mind tells me that I might be having a psychotic break. I may be delusional. This may be all a dream. I don't know anymore.
We go down the stairs together. We stop middle way, and John B holds my hand, squeezing it hard before speaking.
"Dad?" His voice trembles when he talks.
I understand then that I'm not delusional. I'm not dreaming. And this is real. Somehow he is real. And he is standing right in front of us.
It all hits me at the same time, seeing our father turn around and the way his eyes lit up and water, looking between both of us.
"Is that really you?" I need to ask, wiping away my nose with the back of my hand. "Is this real?"
Our father smiles, and then he says, "What took you so long, kids? I've been ringing for hours."
I laugh and break down crying at the same time. I run down the rest of the stairs, and when I get down my father's arms are open waiting for me. I soak his shirt in tears and snot. I feel him opening our embrace for my brother, who joins us, and I wrap my arm around him too.
As angry as I've been with my father, I have to forgive him. I have to. Because this is all that matters. My family. The three of us. Just like it always has been.
"We thought you were dead." John B cries.
"I'm sorry for the Houdini act. It's a long story, kids." He says, caressing my head as I pull away from the hug.
Our moment is cut short by Singh men shouting from the outside. They're about to come inside, search the church. We can't let them find us.
"A story for another time."
"What?" John B says, completely oblivious to the outside.
"We gotta vanish."
The alarm in his voice makes me frown. We're being chased by Singh. Not him. Why is he running?
"Pops, what's going on?" I ask, following him with my brother.
We run out of the church, with our father looking paranoidly around us. He hurries us and tells us to keep our heads down. Stuck in place, we have no way to get out of here.
"The boat, JB." I remind my brother.
"What boat?" Our dad asks.
"Um, the Pogues, the marina. They've got a boat. Come on, follow us."
"Uh, it's good to see you, kids!" Our dad laughs as we run away from the church.
"You, too, Pop. Come on, hurry up."
We make it safely to the road. And there, we slow our pace, asking for our father to explain what has been going on.
"So you've been alive this whole time and didn't think to call?" John B says.
"What, you think I didn't want to?" My father replies. "It killed me. It would've put you in danger."
"In danger? We've been in danger the entire time you were gone." I say gritting my teeth. The familiar anger I felt towards him is coming back. It makes sense. The rush of adrenaline is fading. Everything is coming back to normal slowly.
"Hey, look, we're here now. Okay?" He makes us stop. He puts one hand on each of our shoulders and suddenly I feel like I'm ten again. "And I'm not going anywhere. I just had to vanish for my safety."
"And what about ours?" I squint my eyes.
"And for yours." He adds, his eyes finding mine. "I know you're mad at me, Bee. I promise I'll make it up to you. I promise."
I don't say anything. I don't believe in making promises you don't if you¡ll be able to keep. I bite the inside of my cheek, and hold eye contact, because I refuse to be the first one to look away.
"Look, it wasn't my first choice. You both need to know that. Let's go find your friends."
And that's how he puts an end to the conversation.
On our way to the boat I can't help but think about JJ. What will his reaction be to seeing my father? They were very close. JJ was like a third son to my pops.
And Sarah... What will my father think when he finds out John B is dating Ward Cameron's daughter? It's gonna be a messy family dinner.
Kiara and Pope, they loved my dad. They'll be happy to see him. To be fair, my pops raised all of us pogues. The Chateau has always been the hang out place. I can't wait to see their faces.
And Cleo! Lovely Cleo, who is a badass woman. Pops is going to love her immediately.
I can't wait to see them. I can't wait to be back with them.
Just a little longer. Just a few minutes until I have my family all together, back again.
"Come on, Dad. The boat's docked right over here." John B pants while running.
But when we get there, there's no boat in sight. Only Singh's men.
"Shit. They left, JB." I run my hand anxiously through my hair.
"Singh must've run them off." My father says.
"How do you know about Singh?" I ask knitting my eyebrows.
My father pretends he hasn't heard me. Instead he turns to my brother, and it's at this moment that I remember all those times he did the same, as if I couldn't understand what was happening.
"Plan B. We take my boat. It's back at my place. We gotta pick something up there anyway."
"Hang on. I gotta call them."
John B searches through the contacts, and presses the number. He takes the phone to his ear. I stick my ear to the phone, not wanting to miss the conversation. John B tries to push my head away, but stops when I hit him in the back of his head. Then he lets me listen to the conversation.
"Yo! Dude! Is this you?" I hear JJ's voice through the phone and I can't help but smile widely.
"Yeah, it's me."
"Tell him I'm here, too" I say, at the same time I hear JJ ask if I'm with him and if I'm okay.
"Yeah, she's here. Annoying as ever- Ouch!" John B rubs the back of his head. "She's fine."
"What- Do you need us to turn around?"
"No, don't worry about it."
The signal must be bad, JJ's voice gets interrupted by static noise. John B has to repeat himself twice for our friends to understand.
"Go back to OBX." John B tells him.
"John B," the voice changes to a sweeter one. Blondie. "Are you okay?"
"Yes. We're fine. Everything's good. Listen-"
"What happened?"
"We found our dad." John B explains with a smile. "He's alive."
The voices keep distorting, there's no way to understand what Sarah is saying. John B keeps speaking, hoping the message will reach.
"Get out of there. We'll meet you on Kildare, okay?"
After saying that, the line cuts off. I pull away from my brother and make a face, shrugging.
"Well, that wasn't the worst thing that's happened today." I try to be positive.
"Hope they heard that."
"Me too," Our pops agrees. "We gotta go."
We follow our dad through the streets. He keeps saying that his place is near. I can't help but wonder, how long has he been here if he has a place?