Are we destined to burn or will we last the night?
I will hold 'til I hold you right.
"Lettie?" I heard a soft voice come from around the corner of the shed.
I quickly wiped away my tears and saw Angie standing there.
I must have been sitting out here with my back against the wall for an hour or so.
"Hey..." I whispered, my voice hoarse from all the crying I had been doing moments before.
"George has to get me back home now, but I couldn't leave without checking on you."
"Oh, right," I looked down, "I'm sorry. I kind of forgot for a second that you had to leave."
After pushing myself off the ground, I knocked the dust off my hands before hugging her, "I'm going to miss you so much."
"I'm gonna miss you too," She hugged me back tightly, "But I'll see you again soon."
As she pulled away, she kept hold of my shoulders and smiled lightly, "You know I'm always here for you, right?"
Sniffling, I nodded with a sad smile, "I know..."
"Oh, Charlotte," Angie pulled me into one more hug, "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Angie," I hugged her back again. Merlin, she means absolutely everything to me. All my friends do. I don't know how I would have even gotten this far without them. Oh, how I longed for a time when we would all walk around Hogsmeade and spend hours upon hours at Zonko's and Honeydukes. We would spend the nights chatting endlessly by the fire in the common room and laughing until our stomachs were cramped. Maybe I could return to Hogwarts, but I don't know if I could ever return to the nights like that. Not after everything that's happened.
"Keep in touch, okay?" Angelina's brow raised as she pulled away from the hug.
"Of course."
She picked her bag up off the ground and pulled it onto her shoulder. But before she walked off, she turned back to me. Her hand rested on the edge of the shed as she told me, "Fred wanted to come and check on you, but George and I told him to give you a moment. He's ready to talk whenever you are."
"Thanks, Angie. I'm heading there now," I replied, waving goodbye, "See you soon."
"See you soon, Lettie," Angelina waved back, smiling gently before walking away.
Once she was gone, I started heading back towards the house.
I've got to check on Fred. He needs to know that I'm not angry with him. I hope he's not angry with me.
I knocked softly on the door when I reached the bedroom.
"Come in!" He called from inside.
After slowly stepping inside, I saw Fred lying on his back in the bed. His hands clung to his bangs as his palms pressed against his eyes, "Did you forget something, George?"
"Not George..." I responded weakly, closing the door behind me.
At the sound of my voice, he snapped his head in my direction, "Charlotte!"
He jumped up and walked over to me. He was about to hug me but decided against it in case I was mad at him.
"I'm so sorry," He breathed and took a step back, "I shouldn't have gotten angry with you. I—I wasn't thinking. Of course, you didn't have to tell me-"
"Fred," I held out up hands and interrupted him before he could start a ramble, "It's okay. I'm not mad at you."
He nodded, "Right—Wait," His shoulders relaxed, but his face twisted into a mix of relief and confusion, "You're not?
"I'm not. I never was," I reaffirmed. My heart started to pound in my chest again, "Can we sit?"
"Of course," His hand outstretched towards the bed. He stepped to the side so I could sit down first.
I sat on the bed but couldn't bring myself to look at Fred. So Instead, I just watched as I twiddled with my thumbs in my lap. I felt his weight shift the bed, lifting me slightly as he sat beside me. It was as if the closer he got, the guiltier I felt.
There were so many things to feel guilty for. I felt guilty over all the things we've done together while I'm still not over Cedric's passing and for not thinking about how that could affect Fred. I felt guilty whenever I contemplated how Cedric would feel about us. I even felt guilty for not telling them I wasn't returning to Hogwarts.
There were so many things I wanted to say to Fred, but all my thoughts were jumbled together, but he stayed patient. Watching me silently as I gathered my thoughts. I'm so grateful he's giving me time to build the courage to talk. He has always been good at that kind of thing.
Noticing how much trouble I was having, Fred rested his hand on my knee to comfort me before softly saying, "It's okay. Take your time."
Nodding, I gulped and decided where to start, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about not returning to Hogwarts."
"Charlotte, you don't have to explain-"
"No, but I do," I turned to face him, pulling my legs in to sit cross-legged on his bed, "I need to explain everything so there's no confusion between us before you leave for school."
"Okay," He murmured, shifting in the bed to face me without removing his hand from my knee. He pulled one of his legs up under him while the other still hung over the bed, "Go on."
I looked at the ceiling and inhaled deeply. Pain swelled in my chest as I tried to keep myself from crying before I spoke about this. After exhaling, I decided to just focus on my hands again, afraid I wasn't going to get any words out if I didn't.
"Do you remember when McGonagall pulled me away from you guys after the Cedirc's vigil?"
Fred nodded, "Yeah."
"Well, she took me to her office and offered to just talk at first. Then she mentioned how she noticed that I never left the dorm room after talking to Cedric's parents. You remember, right? You were with me."
He gave another nod in confirmation.
I took another deep breath and continued, "I told her that it was hard to leave the room because everywhere I went, memories of Cedric flashed across my mind. Everything reminded me of him. It might sound weird, but I told her he would always catch up to me in the hallways on the way to class and grab my hand before kissing my temple. I told her how he divulged the information about the dragons to me in the courtyard, our study dates, and the countless nights we spent in the library strategising and training for the tournament.
Then I mentioned how during the vigil, I was bombarded with flashbacks of the day we first started flirting with each other from across the tables, even describing the way he looked at me, all the meals we would have in there with you, George, Angie, and sometimes his friends. I even confided in her about us having a meal with his parents in there the day that he died."
Tears started pouring from my eyes, and I tried to wipe them away but they kept coming, "And also Yule Ball," I sobbed, "Godic, things changed so much for us that night...and how he eyed that goblet like he was hungry for it, and that look on his face when he put his name in the cup. The pictures we took by the Black Lake and the memories from the second task. How I would throw up whenever I thought about the possibility of having to see that fucking quidditch pitch again. There's no way I could ever go there without thinking of his body hitting the ground.
I wasn't even scared of getting in trouble when I admitted to her that Cedric and I always snuck into each other dorms and how it was excruciatingly hard to even be in there because of our first night together after the party. The same night we had our first kiss and our first date. I told her about so many things, and she said she understood because she had lost love once too. She told me that if it was too difficult for me to be there, she would make accommodations for me to finish school at home."
Recounting all these memories to Fred reduced me to sobs. There were many more, but I no longer had the strength to keep talking about them.
His eyes hovered over me cautiously for a moment before he pulled me into probably the tightest hug he had ever given me.
"Shhh, It's okay," He whispered, rubbing gentle circles on my back as I cried into his neck.
After a few more minutes of letting me cry, he spoke softly, "I'm so sorry, Charlotte. I should have understood..."
"Those memories aren't even the worst part," My whimper cut through his comforts, "The worst are the ones of all the training and planning for the tournament. It feels like I was basically pushing him towards his death. And how he laughed with his parents at lunch, not knowing that it was the last time we would hear it. The most gruelling part of it all is that he asked me for permission to enter the tournament, Fred...He actually asked me, and I encouraged him to go for it! I mean, he knew I was worried about it, but I still should have done more. I-I should have told him 'No'. I should have begged him not to do it. I should have-"
"No," Fred cut me off as he pulled away. He pointed a finger at me but kept a firm hold on my arm with his other hand, "Don't you dare do this to yourself."
He sighed as he watched me cry into my hands, "Charlotte, I want you to listen to me, and I mean really listen because this will probably be the most important thing I'll ever have to tell you."
Still crying, I nodded to show him I was listening even if it seemed like I wasn't.
"Look at me..." He urged calmly, "I need you to look at me when I tell you this."
It felt a sandbag was tied around my neck as I tried to lift my head up. I could feel the hair matted against my tear-stained cheeks. The blurry vision made it nearly impossible to see Fred, but I could still discern enough of his face to see how serious he was.
"Okay," he started, lowering his hand to my arm again. His thumbs delicately caressed them as he looked at me with the deepest sincerity I'd ever seen, "It wasn't your fault," His voice somehow stern and gentle at the same time, "Do you hear me? It wasn't your fault," He repeated.
Another sob escaped, causing me to almost drop my head again, but this time Fred cradled my face to support it
"You did nothing wrong. You were a supportive girlfriend trying to help one of his dreams come true. You were there for him every-single-damn-day, helping him as much as you possibly could. No one saw this coming, Charlotte. Yes, the tournament was dangerous, but he was still supposed to be safe enough to return home. There were so many rules in place to ensure it, and he would have returned home If it wasn't for—" he choked, trying to force himself to get past a mental block.
"If it wasn't for... Voldemort," Fred grimaced at the name but continued, "What happened to him wasn't because of a mishap in a stupid tournament that was supposed to be safe. It was because of an evil that we'll never understand. You can't blame yourself."
He pushed back the hair stuck to my cheeks and tried to wipe away my many tears with his thumbs, "I know it isn't fair, and I know it hurts to hear, but there was nothing anyone could have done."
I broke down again. He pulled me close and swayed back and forth, bracing me through my cries.
As miserable as I was, it still felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. These were words that I desperately needed to hear. However, I knew they wouldn't cast away this grief. Nothing will ever be able to completely heal this pain, but this...this is a start.
A few moments passed before I inhaled sharply, finally pulling enough air in my lungs to speak again, "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about all this before we..." I trailed off again.
"Before we kissed?" He finished my sentence hesitantly but continued to hug me. I thought he would be upset enough to let me go, but he didn't. For that, I was entirely grateful.
With another sniffle, I nodded, my cheek still pressed against his chest.
He ran his hand over the back of my head. His voice was shaky as he sighed, "Do you regret it?"