With a terrible headache, I wake up but still don't have the strength to open up my eyes yet.
"Why New York, huh?" I hear a new male voice coming out from the room I am staying in. A frustrated growl escapes from Loki's lips. "Not that I complain. It just seems all the movies show New York in destruction."
I had to smile at that fact. The stranger wasn't wrong. I blink my eyes open and adjust my vision to the unfamiliar room. It was a simple bedroom and it takes me by surprise. As I sit up, feeling a little dizzy, I remain seated and continue to eavesdrop on their conversation instead.
"Did you know about her?", Steve asks.
Loki chuckles. "I've seen through her scheme. Although she is a strong competitor, she has fallen for my tricks." There is a pause. "However, Shadow is full of misery, a powerful being you might want to have on your side."
"Let me guess, you want to have the power on your side?", Natasha asks.
"No." Again, there's a heavy silence. "You wouldn't believe anything if I say, I'd be on her side simply because of her."
My heart flusters for his explanation. Although it hurt a bit when he told them I have fallen for his trick and I don't even know what he means by that. A shuffle is being heard and I focus back on their conversation instead of my petty heart.
"Maybe we have to trust you on this for one time.", Steve answers.
Clutching my abdomen, I hiss in pain as I get up. The negative thing about these power dampeners: is I lose my accelerated healing too. And I am absolutely not familiar with this. Although, scratch that. I was but that should stay in my past and memory.
"She isn't your enemy, Soldier," Loki's voice erupts with a trace of venom.
It seems that they are fighting. Through the pain, I missed a few sentences of the conversation. I slowly open the door to see them arguing.
"But we can't trust her either, she was there, for HYDRA," Steve replies and looks at me concerned when I interrupt their little conversation.
If HYDRA is still out there, it is a huge threat to this world. And if I want my redemption, the only way to get it is to talk about my fatal mistake.
"And what if I tell you my whole story?" I ask limping to the dining table and greeting the black man. "I'm Shadow Butcher." I extend my hand to him.
"Sam. Sam Wilson."
Everyone except for the new guy here, had shocking expressions on their faces. Probably because it is the first time I'm introducing myself with my real name.
"You still owe us.", Natasha smirks with a worried look on her face since she probably saw through my fake persona.
I nod back and take a seat on the chair that Loki pulled out for me to sit on. My body shakes a little from thinking even about it but I take a deep long breath to calm my nerves before I start. The Black Widow was right, I still do owe them my back story after the invasion in New York. I had left them clueless before I half-joined the Avengers.
"She's the Goddess of Death, what explanation do you still want to hear?", Loki questions with a cold and smug tone.
"We didn't even know that she's one of you," Steve replies and crosses his arms.
I pull at Loki's tunic and his piercing eyes soften when he looks at me. "You know only little about me."
He narrows his eyes but nods his head for me to start explaining. "Very well, Princess. Go ahead."
This time, the pet name didn't bother me at all. It would have if it wouldn't be this situation. Honestly, it did calm me down for a bit.
"I am Shadow Butcher, I got created by Anubis. So, I'm kinda an ancient Egyptian God, who lived for almost 1000 years. I came to Earth to protect our humanity."
"It didn't look like you protected them," Steve scolds at me, his face stern as if he doesn't trust me.
I flinch at his words and I feel Loki's body radiating with anger but I lay a hand on his arm to stop him from doing anything he would regret. He calms down but his menacing glare towards Steve doesn't disappear.
"I know." I sigh, curling my hands into fists, almost digging my nails into my flesh. "But I did until I made a fatal mistake. I'll get to that after I'm done telling you who I am."
"You're the Goddess of Death. Isn't death in your nature?", Sam questions.
It was more a statement and I can't blame him. A lot think that Anubis is the reason for all the dead souls but in truth, he's only giving them a place in the afterworld. To give all the dead souls a place to stay and find their peace. Not many know that he's more the God of Embalming and the Afterworld. And I didn't take it as an insult because of how Sam said it, it was careful as if he tries to understand my situation.
"It is in a way but not like what you think. How should I explain that? Okay... uh... My assignment is to lead the soul into the afterworld. This means, if you die in my presence, I take your soul and lead them to my realm. But I do also possess the power to revive a soul if I think it's worthy. That's limited though. I can do that only once a day and I get unconscious for two days after I used that kind of power."
"That is what you have tried to do with my mother, isn't it?" Loki asks with hurt noticeable in his words.
Steve and Natasha look at Loki with sorrow in their eyes, Natasha seems even to be shocked to see Loki hurt since he let down his illusions to hide his true emotions.
"I'm sorry for your loss, Loki," Steve says calmly.
Loki widens his eyes, taken aback by the super soldier's words. The God of Mischief for once accepts the words from the others and nods in return, thanking silently.
"I've done it many times but I stopped doing that after... that one incident." I wipe away one of my tears. Looking down at my shaking hands, I take a shaky breath. "I'm sorry, I need a minute," I mutter under my breath and go outside to get some fresh air.
I try to conjure my cigarettes but I forgot about the restraints I have. Groaning in frustration I kick a plant pot away. My breaths are short and heavy. The blood in my veins boiling.
Why is HYDRA still getting under my skin?
And for god's sake, why is it suddenly so hard to breathe?
A hand touches my shoulder and I shriek, automatically slap the hand away but Natasha stops my punch and hands me a cigarette.
"I always have them with me. They're not mine but I get tired of agents being stressed out when they don't get any nicotine."
I mumble her thanks and light up the cigarette. She stays next to me the whole time until I finish smoking. We remain silent and I was thankful for her respecting my need of time. I nod towards the house and we get back inside. Taking a seat on the chair, I take a deep shaky breath and continue.
"One day... I fell in love. Yes, the Goddess of Death fell in fucking love with the wrong person. I didn't know he was an agent. I thought he was a mere businessman and I trusted him." I choke on those last words, always disgusted by the thought of how I managed to fail such an important task.
While Sam's, Steve's, and Natasha's concerned faces turn into soft and sad expressions, Loki's demeanor changes. His fists are clenched tightly, his body shaking, and glimmering green light sparkles around his hands.
"What happened next?", he growls, his eyes bright with wrath and voice full of superiority he says: "What did that man do to make you think you do not deserve any love?"
My breath hitches as I see him clenching his jaw and giving me the look of wanting an answer. Though his eyes tell me that he doesn't want to hear it. Natasha puts a hand on his shoulder to calm him down but he turns around and holds her wrist tightly. Her eyes widen and purses her lips to not show any pain he causes her. Lucky, Steve interferes and pushes Loki so he would let her go. Loki blinks in surprise, caught off guard by his actions. He has lost control over his anger or something else I can't quite differ. Loki squints his eyes and apologizes.
"You alright, Loki?", Steve asks carefully and is still worried about Natasha who's rubbing her wrist. Loki nods. "Good, take your time, Shadow."
I thank Steve silently and take another one of the shaky breaths. I let out a desperate chuckle because I hate to admit that these memories are hunting me the last night and it was time to spill it out.
"Johann Schmidt was his name. He served in the army before. I fell in love with him because he was so kind and independent. He knew exactly what he wanted. In the early 40's it wasn't usual for that. You know it best, Cap." I look at Steve who nods in agreement, although I can see how he felt sorry for me. "Well, one day he came back home. His body was weak but he still managed to get back to me. His last words were that he loved me and I didn't know why he was dying. And because I was in a relationship with him, I revived him."
I break into tears and I haven't even started yet. This feels like an awful therapy.
How could I be so strong after I managed to escape from HYDRA's hold? Did I really push all the memories away that it hits me even harder now? Was it worth for that I feel every single pain, shame, and suffering now?
I grit my teeth and slam my fists on the table that leaves a crack. I had enough of it and I want revenge.
"He died in my fucking arms and I thought he came back from the war." My voice cracks but I keep talking in hatred. "He knew exactly what he did. That motherfucker used my weakness. Love and vulnerability after the use of reviving him. I have no idea how but they could control me but I was still aware of not using my powers. They couldn't know that I'm a powerful being but they still believed him. Red Skull and Dr. Zola modified me, they created a weapon out of me."
"That's why your name was on that file," Natasha comments and I nod.
"What did they do to you? How were they able to break a Goddess?" Loki sounds angered and hurt.
"Loki, enough.", Steve scolds him and crosses his arms. The whole room stays silent for a minute before he speaks up again. "I think you don't need to explain any further, Reaper. But if you want to talk, I'll have my ears open for you. Now, what do we know to stop HYDRA?"
I nod Steve a thank you. A hand on my shoulder makes me jump a little in my seat but I calm myself down quickly when Loki smiles down at me. The fact that he looks at me with pity, makes me sick and I hate it. Yet, I feel safe to know that he's still here with me, like the others too, knowing that I'm not the monster I thought I would be.
"So, the real question is: who in S.H.I.E.L.D. could launch a domestic missile strike?", Natasha asks into the round.
"Pierce," Steve answers defeated.
"Who happens to be sitting on top of the most secure building in the world.", the Black Widow replies.
"But he's not working alone, Zola's algorithm was on the Lemurian Star," Steve says determinedly.
"So was Jasper Sitwell."
"So, the real question is: how do the two most wanted people in Washington to kidnap a SHIELD officer in broad daylight?"
Sam grabs something out from the drawer and drops it in front of Steve. "The answer is: you don't."
Steve looks at the file interested. "What's this?"
"Call it a resume."
Sam smiles as Natasha picks up the photo.
"Is this Bakhmala? The Khalid Khandil mission, that was you." Natasha turns to Steve. "You didn't say he was a para-rescue."
We all look at the photo of Sam with his colleague.
"Is this Riley?" Steve questions and Sam gives a short griefing yeah in reply.
"I heard they couldn't bring in the choppers because of the RPGs. What did you use, a stealth chute?"
"No. These." Sam hands Steve the file, which he opens and reads it. I could take a glimpse of the front side of the file. F.A.L.C.O.N.
"I thought you said you were a pilot."
"I never said, pilot."
"I can't ask you to do this, Sam. You got out for a good reason."
"Dude, Captain America needs my help. There's no better reason to get back in. Plus, we have two gods on our side. This is a whole new level."
"Where can we get our hands on one of these things?"
"The last one is at Fort Meade, behind three guarded gates and a twelve-inch steel wall."
Steve looks at Natasha who shrugs her shoulders and then at Loki and me.
Loki chuckles amused with a mischievous sparkle behind his emerald eyes as he looks at me.
"You have two Gods, a Captain, and a Spy," Loki says with a lot of mockery in his tone.
I roll my eyes at his authority and say: "Let that be our problem. But promise me one thing." I eye every one of them. "My Story...Can this be our secret? Not many appreciate the proximity of the Goddess of Death who got brainwashed by HYDRA."
I smiled when everyone nodded and assured me to let this be a secret. I am grateful to found a new home.
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Author's Note:
A long chapter for my dear readers :)