The full moon not only haunted Remus, it ate away part of his soul as it waxed and waned. He could feel it in running through his veins before it even hit— like a bottomless pit of anxiety that drowned him as if he was swimming in thick syrup. For no matter how hard he wished, no matter how much he prayed to every mythical muggle and magical god he could think of, with the certainty of a clock, as the moon grew his humanity would shrink.
Perhaps it was Novembers harsh drag— the way November seemed to be heavier then the rest— that put him in such a bad head space the days leading up to the fool moon.
November is the harshest of them all isn't it?
It looms promises of joyful and saving times up ahead, well stomping us down with its drear and dread. November is the type of months that makes mothers go crazy, and fathers spin with rage. If November was a weapon it would be a large mallet,
repeatedly smacking you in the stomach till all you could do was lay down and try to catch a breath.
It's in November that summer feels a world ago, and spring seems a century away. November wishes to freeze our souls in foggy skies and frozen ponds— aims to drown us trapped under surfaces of ice.
November is nor friend nor foe, November is the equivalent of what reality is to the animals brain— a splashing, evasive, alarming call that we all are merely human, predisposed to the pushes and pulls of emotional turmoil and the tiredness aching in our bones that longs to rest in a way that isn't always waiting for an easier tomorrow.
So Yes, just like the frozen ground, the burrowed birds, the resting bears and the sleeping chipmunks, Remus Lupin hated November.
It was the month the wolf in him felt the most animalistic. As if by the mere whiff of that winter turning air, all the parts of him that could grab onto his humanity faded away when the full moon rose.
He sat in class, very much aware that he should be listening to what Mcgonagall was saying but overwhelmed by the tightness in his chest. The shakiness of his bouncing leg as he felt his body warm— the call of his wolf waiting to come out.
It was three days to the full moon, and though usually the week leading up was rough, nothing compared to his transformation in the winter months. When everything in him seemed dead, unable to contain the wolves emotions. The classroom felt suffocating, as if each moment he continued to sit in his plastic chair it made his brown feel more foggy, his body more tired.
Why did it have to be him?
He hated the selfish parts of him that wished he could pass his curse onto someone else.
Oftentimes he pictured what would happen if a magical genie came to visit him, the way they do in muggle children's stories. He'd picture himself wishing to undo his curse, imagining how free and clear his brain would feel without it.
It's ironic isn't it? That even in the magical world people still wish for forms of godly intervention in there life.
"Mr Lupin... Mr Lupin!" Mcgonagall's voice was a slap in the face, bringing him back to reality.
He turned his head to see all eyes turned to him, Mcgonagall's standing in front of his desk as her eyes
beamed down. He could feel the sweat heading off his forehead, whipping it off with the back of his hand. Leg continuously bouncing up and down.
"Can you answer the question for the class?"
From the moment little Remus was sat down at the kitchen table over seven years ago, with the news that he would actually be able to go to Hogwarts he made himself a promise. A promise that he had never whispered out loud to anyone, in worries if he did they'd see past his fraudulence. He promised himself, he would always be at the top of his class— that he'd prove his worth through grades and assignments, terrified that if he didn't he'd be sent home. That if he didn't succeed, one day the Ministry and the Teachers would decide he was a bother, and he wasn't worth the trouble of a werewolf attending school.
Of course since then, Remus has grown. At 17 he was now a young man— a confident secure young man. Who was surrounded by friends, and now had the ability to relax a little bit when it came to the intensity of classes.
Though every now and then, the part of Remus that was still a little boy crying at the wolf inside him came out. A reminder that no matter how much he grew, he was always that little insecure 11 year old who thought he was worth nothing more then the animals of the forest.
So, when he realized he had not a single clue what Mcgonagall's question was nor how to answer, he felt himself freeze. His mind travelling back to the days where he would spend hours and hours in the library just to get the same test marks as Sirius and James who didn't even as much lift a finger.
"Oh I know that one," a voice with a slightly arrogant tone called out, all eyes turning to James Potter who sat slouched back in his chair. "It's gotta be the ebublio jinx, doesn't it minnie?"
There was a collective eye roll from the class— Professor included, all too used to James calling out answers out of turn. A habit that most people left behind in third year. No one rolled their eyes more then Lily Evan's though, sighing under her breath as her lips tightened from beside Aveline. Remus however, let out a relieved sigh, sending James a relieved smile.
James and Lily's relationship was about as hot and cold as a faulty tap on a winter day. Some days it was as if they were on the path to being a proper couple. Playful banter, giddy grins— everything you can think of that scream perfect sweethearts.
And other days were as if no time had passed at all since fifth year, when James would spend his days dreaming how to win her over, and Lily would spend her days rejecting him in cold blood.
The difference now— you could say— was that James had stopped trying. James was just being James, in every aspect of his life. His kindness, his heart, his banter, his spirit, acting freely of restraint no longer caring about what Lily would think, or his class mates.
This was the James, Lily found herself adoring. The james that would hold the world up by his shoulders if his friends needed it, who would drown in an ocean of grief and pain if it meant other people could be happy.
And she couldn't help it, that every-once in awhile James would do something and all she could think about was his arrogance. The look of him— perfect popular boy slouched back in his chair cutting off his friends to get the glory of answering a question in class, infuriated her.
When class ended Lily didn't even bother hanging around and waiting for James to walk her to her next class as she usually did, pushing past the crowd of Gryffindors to book it out the door.
"Hey Lils wait up!"
His voice carried down the hall, loud as ever as per usual even through the crowd of students. And of course, the crowd parted for him without him even asking as he ran to catch up with Lily. Running one hand through his hair, his Head Boy badge pinned to his white shirt.
"Everything okay? You ran out in a hurry," he asked, genuine concern knitting his eyebrow as he stared down at the girl.
Lily paused, lips tutted, books pulled tightly to her chest.
"You haven't changed at all, have you?" Lily snapped, unable to contain it.
She knew logically it wasn't that big of a deal, that no one not even Remus probably cared he spoke out of turn in class. Though to Lily, it was a reminder that he hadn't changed. And she had spent the better part of the last year, giving her heart to the same old James Potter who annoyed her to no ends.
It made her feel stupid, and there wasn't anything Lily Evan's hated more in this world then feeling stupid.
Though perhaps, if she took some time to consider, Lily would've realized that James really hadn't changed at all. And that what she had taken as changes, was really just her seeing James clearly for the first time. That thought alone was scary enough for her to loose all rationality.
"What?" James asked, taken aback. "What are you on about?"
"You cut Remus off as if it was nothing!" Lily exclaimed, much more loudly then she intended. "Just so you can look like the smart, intelligent head boy! You can't possible let someone else have the spotlight, can you?"
James blinked, then he blinked again, staring down at the girl he had been in love with since first year.
In James's mind, the situation was simple.
He had noticed Remus was more on edge then usual today, the full moon coming up in days. He had noticed the dazed look on his friends face, and the way his leg never stopped bouncing. And he had noticed the ever so slight look of panic that laced his features when Mcgonagall called on him.
James knew Remus better then anyone. He also happened to know that Remus Lupin was one of the smartest people he knew, and that remaining smart was important to him.
So in James's mind, he was doing Remus a favour. Saving him from having to look like a stuttering mess of "Sorry Proffesor what was the question" and being too flustered to answer properly. Instead James would take the fault of being arrogant, loud, annoying— or whatever else people wanted to call him— so Remus didn't have to take anything.
For that was the way James's mind worked. He would make himself look like a laughing fool so his friends didn't have too. He also knew for a fact that any of his friends would've done the same for him. Aveline, Sirius, Peter, Remus— he guaranteed that they all knew what he was doing. That they could see, that James was much more then the loud laughter and boisterous personality.
For the first time in his entire life, James really wondered what Lily thought of him. If she truly believed the weight behind her words.
Maybe Lily didn't see him at all, James thought.
So, opening his mouth James shook his head in disbelief, no longer feeling like he had to explain himself for his every which decision.
"I gotta go Evans," he said simply, before pushing past her and walking away.