*A week and a half later* Month: June.
I stood in by a crowd of people that were both past friends of Kresten’s or family members, along with me and my mom, John, and Haley. Lola and Shaun were also here, or at least I heard that they were, I haven’t seen Lola in forever, so I was anxious to see her. Vincent and Brett were here for a little while and then bailed out. They were invited for support and because they too have felt bad. In a couple of days, I turn sixteen finally, and it’s horrible because this was such a terrible time to have a birthday.
After the pastor gave a speech on Kresten, his parents started talking soon enough. I was up next after them, I was a little nervous, but I had a few words on Kresten. I at least owe him that for everything he’s given me. Lola was offered to deliver a speech, but she rejected and I didn’t know why, I mean…she’s had a past with Kresten.
It kind of bothered me that she didn’t want to say at least a few words for him.
“My son was an outcast of Northern High School. He’s made some terrible decisions of who to hang around with and what to do with them,” Mr. Summers’s voice boomed and echoed through the microphone.
We were standing outside, by a cemetery.
I was kind of upset that Brandon didn’t come, but it was his choice. So whatever. I would have wanted Kresten to be buried by the lake at the rural part of Seattle since he loved it there so much; but then I realized that it didn’t make sense because that was also the place where he died. I sighed to myself as I cupped the back of my neck, feeling that it was almost my turn to speak. I glanced at the note card at my hand as soon as everyone started clapping when Mr. and Mrs. Summers went down the outside stage. It was my turn now.
I glanced around nervously and my mom patted me on the back for encouragement. My face felt hot, heck, it was hot outside itself. I’m not sure if I want to do this anymore.
“Mom, I’m scared,” I muttered out with wide eyes, realizing how many people were here. Not to mention my ex best friend was here too, with her college boyfriend. “I’m…I’m too scared.” I stammered, my eyes growing capacious.
“Do you want me to go upstage with you?” She whispered, glancing around.
I did the same, seeing Mr. and Mrs. Summers clap like everyone else, waiting for me to bust a move. I can’t be nervous. I have to do this, and if I embarrass myself, at least I had the decency to go up there and put up an effort.
A serious side of me had shunned over.
“No.” I finally replied, going up there. Every quieted down once I got up there.
I chewed on my lip as it went officially silent. I glanced around the crowd and I noticed Lola in a dark blue dress, her hair in waves. Her hair…it was mostly black now, with only tiny red streaks. It looked amazing on her. Her green eyes shimmered from the sunlight as she gazed at me with a blunt face expression, and Shaun stood close by her side. I couldn’t believe she was actually here. I couldn’t believe I was less than a few feet from her.
I swallowed and stared down at my note card, which had my speech about Kresten on it. I gazed at it, studying it for a while, until I laid it on the stage floor.
“I can’t do this,” I suddenly said through the mike, looking back up at everyone. “I’m going to do something a little di-different,” I stammered, gazing at everyone. “I’m going to speak from my heart, not from a piece of cardboard. I think I at least owe Kresten that.” I lowered my head, breathing out a sigh.
A couple of smiles were sent at me, and I responded by smiling back.
“Umm….” I looked down at the stage floor for a few seconds and looked up. “Kresten…Kresten was many things.” I muttered through the mike, trying hard not to cry right then and there. I swallowed and fought back my emotional side that usually linked to my tears. “Despite the fact that he wasn’t a school kind of person, he was still romantic…um, one of his girlfriends are here.” I looked directly at Lola who lowered her head a little, not making eye contact with me.
I breathed out a sigh and my grip tightening on the microphone like I was about to sing.
“He actually loved her the most,” I said out loud. It was silent, and I found this very awkward.
I closed my eyes in front of everyone, trying to dig deep into my heart to find something better about Kresten that was even better than his romantic side.
“He was a very good friend. I mean, I know he was. I mean, he…fought a lot. But Kresten, he had a very large heart for people, he’d do anything and everything to make someone happy. He was hilarious,” I sort of choked on that last word, finding a tear streaming down my face.
Everyone continued to gaze at me, ignoring the hot weather. I was in a dark gray dress that my mom bought me just the night before so I’d have something decent to wear.
“I told Kresten secrets that he promised to keep, and he hasn’t told anyone. He taught me to love whoever I want, as long as my heart agrees with me. He even took me to this beautiful area outside of Seattle; we had fun on our first time together there…” My voice trailed off and my eyes darted to the side as I struggled to find some other things to share.
I coughed and another tear fell from my eye. I wiped my cheeks, trying to keep myself and my voice itself steady.
“He um, he pushed Elaine Waters and James Freeman off the cliff for me. He tried to save me, and he died because of it.” I confirmed.
I looked around as I started seeing flashes from people spark at me, taking pictures and such. Reporters were here, but they promised not to put the funeral on air if his parents didn’t permit it.
“I still feel like it’s my fault he’s gone.” I let out weakly in a low whisper, my voice falling apart. I sniffed and let out a moan, finding myself crying now. “I’m so sorry,” I apologized weakly, quickly turning away and burying my face in my hands. Mr. and Mrs. Summers, my mom, and John got up on the stage. Whispers from the crowd scattered all around the air.
“It’s okay Heather, you did a beautiful job.” Mrs. Summers praised, patting me on the back.
I nodded my head, my face still covered. John went up to the mike and sent a small smile, “Let’s get a round of applause for Heather Haggler, a good friend of Kresten Summers.” He said, trying to tame the crowd while I was busy sobbing at the edge of the stage.
Everyone started clapping, but Lola didn’t. She was crying herself, and Shaun hugged her for support. My mom took my hand and guided me down the stage, and my heels that Ms. Zeleski made Brittany lend me were clicking and clacking as I went down the steps. I wiped my eyes and Ms. Summers gave me a mirror so I could fix myself up. I sent her a short smile and quickly frowned again, looking at my eyes through the reflection. I looked up at I noticed a group of people carrying a dark black coffin onstage.
“Ladies and gentleman, we owe it to Mr. and Mrs. Summers for this funeral. If you have any flowers or prayers for Kresten Jacob Summers, you can each take a turn onstage to do so.” The pastor said.
I gazed at the coffin as I noticed a huge picture of Kresten that sat beside it. He looked much younger in it. I could help but to glance at Lola, and she was crying so hard. Her eyeliner was running down her face, and Shaun was trying to calm her down. I continued crying as well, and Mr. Summers gave me a hug.
“I’m fine,” I lied out; I motioned for them to go onstage and pray for Kresten as he lay motionless in the closed coffin. I breathed out a sigh as soon as the pastor walked downstage to greet me. I shook his hand, John and my mom standing beside me. This sort of reminded me of my dad’s funeral. It was heartbreaking…and very depressing.
“You did an excellent job, Heather.” The pastor said, smiling at me.
I sent a cold smile and lowered my head. He walked away to greet other friends and family, and I looked up at John and my mom. “I have to go see someone.” I suddenly claimed, glancing at the both of them.
“Oh, yes. Go ahead, sweetie.” My mom allowed tersely in an encouraging voice tone. I walked away from them, ignoring the people who constantly stared at me. I approached Lola as she and Shaun was at the far side from everyone else, having their own private conversation. I stared at Lola as she gave me a dirty look, her arms around Shaun. I tucked my lips in my mouth, expecting for her to say something to me. Instead she winced at me.
“What do you want?” She snapped.
I softened my look at her, “Why didn’t you give a speech for Kresten? He would’ve wanted for you to.”
“What was I supposed to say?” She asked in a sharp voice, pulling away from Shaun to stand in front of me completely with her eyes narrowing at me. I tensed up a little in place. “You wanted me to go up there and be like, ‘hey everyone! I was Kresten’s ex and I broke up with him because he was a douche!’” She mimicked, her voice impersonating a preppy person. “Well no thanks.” She grabbed a piece of tissue nearby from a Kleenex box.
My eyebrows rose up for a second, and then they sunk. “It doesn’t matter if what you had to say was negative or not,” I stated slowly, “What matters is that you put an effort into saying something. You left him to go to New York, which, no offense Shaun,” I paused and glanced at Shaun who smiled at me softly. “The least you could’ve done was say a few things about him, I mean, you’re a very important person in his life. You were his true love.” I confirmed, fiddling with my fingers.
I ignored the fact that Lola’s current boyfriend was standing in front of us completely. It doesn’t matter now, I mean, Kresten doesn’t even have a chance anymore.
“Lies,” Lola protested against venomously, glaring at me.
“What are you talking about?” I asked, wanting to slap some sense into her.
“It was obvious you two had a love interest another,” She spat out, “You were up on that stage practically bragging about what you two had.” I wrinkled my eyebrows at her.
“Me and Kresten had nothing.” I confirmed innocently. She continued to glare at me, and Shaun just stared at the both of us.
“Well…” I bit my lip as my eyes trailed to the ground, “We kissed, but that was only one time.” I wanted to be honest, and Lola didn’t take it so well.
She gasped.
I opened my mouth quickly, “Lola, before you-”
“What kind of friend are you?” She spat out, her voice cracking. My breath was caught in my throat, leaving me speechless. “Friends don’t do that to one another. You never saw me with my lips all over Michael, or Brandon, did you?” She asked.
I remained silent, still speechless.
“You know what? I’ve only been back in town for a day and everyone’s right! It is your fault he died. You don’t deserve to live! That should’ve been you who fell off the cliff! Not Kresten!” She shouted, moving closer into my face. Those words stung my like knives; it stung my heart, too.
“Lola, calm down.” Shaun murmured, pulling her back from me. I stared at her in shock, my eyes ready to start tearing up again.
“Shaun get me out of here, now.” Lola demanded, rolling her eyes and storming off to the parking lot where everyone else’s cars were. Shaun glanced at me and sent me a sorrowful gaze, turning and leaving to follow Lola. She was practically running to the parking lot just to get away from this whole scene, this whole…catastrophe. I stared straight ahead in shock for a few minutes, finally turning away to meet eyes with my mom.
“Honey, are you ready to…” Her voice trailed off as she scanned my face.
“I want to go home.” I sobbed out, sniffing as I started crying again.
She stared at me in astonishment, finally nodding her head, “I’ll get John and Haley.”
She walked away and I walked to the parking lot to get to the SUV.
*****
I sat up in my room that whole night, staring outside as it was raining erratically. Was Lola right? Is it really my fault he died? Should it have been me instead of Kresten? Those questions wandered in my head the whole night. I refused to leave my room, and my mom respected that. Brandon called, but I didn’t pick up. I was angry at him; in fact…I was angry at everyone. I couldn’t believe my best told me I should have died. Who says that to anyone? It isn’t fair.
No wait; it is my fault he’s died. Kresten was willing to give up his life just for me, and after all I did to him. Well, one thing. Before he even forgave me, I accused him and he was arrested, I was a horrible person. I didn’t deserve to live. Everyone at school was right; I’m just a mistake…
I closed my eyes as I replayed Kresten’s look on his face, the way he was yelling and shouting at the detectives, knowing that he was accused of doing something he didn’t do. That look he sent me, when he pleaded for me to tell the truth…but I was too much of a coward to. And then I replayed him actually slipping out of my hands on the cliff, falling…just…falling. He knew he was going to die then; and he died because of me. While I was in the middle of flash backing that whole thing, I went to sleep, which is good for me because I never feel anything when I’m asleep.
The next day, Thursday, was the same…it was very depressing, rainy…and school had ended three days before. I didn’t bother to go to that senior and junior party that Aubrey begged for me to go to a while back; I was too busy drowning in my thoughts and flashbacks.
*****
I sat at the dinner table with a blank face expression. I know I’ve been different ever since I was told that Kresten died. But ever since his funeral, I’ve been worse. I’ve been absolutely silent; I haven’t said a word to anybody.
Today was my birthday, and my mom was celebrating it with dinner. I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. I didn’t deserve to celebrate the day of the worse mistake ever being brought to life, I just didn’t. John and Haley also sat at the dinner table, helping my mom set up the table. I was excused to not help them, since it was my ‘special’ day and that I didn’t have to do anything. When dinner was served, I poked my roast with my fork.
My mom gazed at me and breathed out a sigh, “Dear, you have to eat. You can’t be depressed on your birthday.” She argued aloud in a calm voice. It also sounded fed up, and exhausting.
“My birthday isn’t going to bring Kresten back, will it?” I suddenly snapped, staring at all three of them. They gazed at me with slight frowns. “No…scratch that,” I denied sternly, “My birthday isn’t going to help solve any of the problems going on in my life. It’s not going to bring dad back, it’s not going to keep people from harassing me, it’s not going to keep Lola from being mad at me, from people thinking I’m mental, from Michael being far away, and it isn’t going to bring Kresten back.”
I stood up and scooted the chair in with a harsh force, angry.
“Where are you going?” Mom asked softly, looking at me with curious but nagging eyes.
“It’s my birthday and I don’t want to celebrate it. The least you can do is understand that. I just want to go for a walk.” I let out calmly, softening my look. My mom stared at me for a long time like she wanted to cry, but instead, she nodded her head acceptably.
“Thank you,” I muttered out, going upstairs to my room to get a few things first.
Once I got up there, I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to clear out my mind so I can actually focus. I grabbed my cell phone and I went into a secret closet in my room that had some past things in there, including an old pack of cigarettes. I was tired and fed up of grieving so hard for the past days, that I wanted to feel at least a little better. I know I haven’t smoked in a while, but I so desperately needed. Not for pleasure purposes, but because I was literally in need of it. I placed it in my hoodie pocket and went into my mom’s room, grabbing ten dollars, and walking downstairs.
I had a plan tonight, a plan that would set me free from all the pain…from everything. I closed my eyes just to hear my family’s voices again and then I walked out of the house, closing the door behind me.
It was hot for a night like this, the stars were out, and it was beautiful. I walked out on the sidewalks and started strolling out of the neighborhood to get to the convenient store nearby. I ignored cars beeping at me and a bunch of teenage guys eyeing me as I walked pass them, not intimidated. I’m so numb with people at this point; I just want to do what I plan on doing and be done with it. I’m tired. I’m done, with everything.
When I got to the store, I picked up a lighter pack and once the cashier scanned my item, I gave him the ten dollars and told him to keep the change; I won’t be needing it. I trudged back out with my hands still in my pockets, my lighter lying in there.
After thirteen minutes of reaching my destination, I walked to an abandoned tiny shack that was at a distance from everything surrounded by land. There were no buildings. Which means no people around. Which means I am also free to do whatever I want, and not get busted for it. My mom had no idea I was going to be here, and she didn’t have an idea of what I planned on doing. I walked into the shack and sat down on the nasty floors, lighting up a cigarette and putting it in my mouth.A burst of relief expanded in me as soon as I took my first breath of that cigarette, and it felt good. I haven’t felt like this in a while. A
fter a couple of minutes, I managed to finish the whole thing, for the first time in my life. I grabbed another cigarette from the packet, lighting it up with my new lighter and positioning it firmly between my upper and lower lips.
After smoking five cigarettes, I was officially not myself. I was high, yet again. I welcomed the feeling back with a lazy smile, slumping against the walls of the old and creepy shack. A while back, Vincent showed me this place before I even started smoking. And now; there’s some usage in this place. I huffed out smoke from my sixth cigarette and pressed it against the walls to let it die out. I tossed the cigarette aside and slowly gazed straight ahead, looking at nothing but a black and dirty wall. When I slowly started thinking about Kresten again, I laughed to myself.
I started laughing so hard about his death until I started crying. Something had caught my eye though during my sobs, and I spotted a random small red container of gas. I steadied myself up and struggled to stand straight as I meandered toward the dangerous product.
I picked it up slowly and wiped my eyes, glancing around the shack room and back at the gas. What was it doing in here? I coughed and settled it back down, having a thought on what to do with it. I sat back down beside it and took out my cell phone, dialing Brandon’s number because I had something to tell him. My last talk with him. As I waited while the ringing flooded my ears, another tear fell from my eye and shook my head lazily, trying not to let my vision trick me with the method of hallucination. I swallowed as soon as he picked up.
“Brandon…hey…” I said in a slur, tilting my head to the side a little.
“Heather? Hey. Why do you sound like that?” He breathed through the phone, his voice hinting on a worried tone.
“I’m fine.” I sniffed and looked around for a second. “I failed you.” I suddenly said, another tear streaming down my cheek.
“What are you talking about?” He asked, I knew he was thinking that I was being ridiculous.
“Everyone’s right,” I cried out, “It is my fault Kresten died.” I got on my knees and tried to be real with him, I tried to ignore the high feeling that was toying with my head. I wanted to be serious, I wanted to be real…this was Brandon, after all.
“No it isn’t.” He said solidly.
“Yes it is.” I spat out, staring down at the floors. I traced my finger across my thigh as I continued to sit on my knees; it was kind of an uncomfortable position. “I failed everyone.” I murmured out, and that’s when I really started to sob. I hung my head loose, ashamed of myself.
“Heather, where are you? And are you high?” He guessed. I didn’t answer his question. “You’re high, aren’t you?” He asked, his voice an octave high. I bent over and started crying even more.
“It should’ve been me!” I hissed in a whisper, referring to Kresten’s death.
“You listen to me,” Brandon demanded through the phone, his voice low as if he were sneaking this phone call, “Heather if you do anything ridiculous then I will never forgive you. You still listening?” He demanded.
I coughed and wiped the tears from my eyes, I started to see double vision, “I don’t deserve to live…” My voice trailed off.
“You sound so fucking stupid.” He confirmed quickly. I moved my head from side to side as if a bug was trying to fly in my nose. The hallucinations had finally kicked up.
“Brandon,” I started up again, my voice falling apart, “I love you. Please remember that. And I’m sorry I didn’t meet your needs as a person; I’ve always loved you, no matter how many times I've gotten angry at you. I should have told you that when you told me in your yard, but I was too much of a coward to even say it back,” I continued on, “Which is another reason I don’t deserve to live.”
“Listen to me, you’re high. You’re talking crazy. Where are you? I know you’re not getting high at your house, you’re somewhere else. Tell me where you are so I can come and get you.” He ordered in a serious voice tone. I shook my head from side to side although he couldn’t see it, rejecting his offer.
“I want to be at peace.” I let out, wiping my eyes again. My face was sticky and hot from all of the tears I’ve managed to cry out.
“Heather, listen to me,” He demanded again. He sounded almost frightening through the phone.
“Goodbye, Brandon. I love you.” I pulled the phone from my ear slowly. I could still hear him through the phone.
“You’d better not hang-”
I hung up quickly, gazing at my phone and throwing it against the wall in a random outburst of anger. I stumbled back on my feet, making my way to the gas container again.
I picked it up and shook it a bit; there was still gas in there. I went out of the shack and started throwing gas around it, splashing it against the outside of it. The wind was blowing, which meant that a fire could be born at this very moment just to kill a life. My life. I didn’t want it anymore, I didn’t want anything anymore.
I went back inside the shack and started throwing gas in there, too. I owe it to the people I’ve bothered to not live, to take my life away myself. I’m sorry for not being who everyone wanted me to be. I was sorry for ever letting my mom down and almost being a bad influence on Haley. I was sorry for disrespecting Brandon, I was sorry for my dad’s death although I knew it had nothing to do with me. I was always sorry for his death.
I threw the last bit of gas harshly against the wall as I thought about mainly being sorry for Kresten’s death.
I took out the lighter that I just bought from the convenient store nearby, I was sure I wanted to do this. I cried my last bit of tears due to the thought of never seeing my loved ones again.
“I’m sorry…” I whispered to myself, my voice echoing in the shack.
Everything had gone slow motion from the minute I jerked my arm out and threw the lit up lighter on the floor, and soon enough, a trail of fire went around the whole shack. I stared at it intently, sitting down on the middle of the floor so I could let the fire do its job. To destroy; because that’s all that fire was ever known for. I closed my eyes slowly as the fire detector on the walls started to ring, but I ignored it. I continued crying my last cries, I think I deserved that.
I crawled to a corner of the shack that didn’t have fire yet, and I watched as the wood started to burn and fall at certain sections of the small clustered-space place. I was crying hard now, and I could slowly feel the life being drained out of me by the time the smoke started to fill my lungs. I breathed it in and tilted my head back on the wall, my body clutched in a ball. I watched the fire as it was almost getting to the location of where I was, and I watched it as it trailed outside and around the small abandoned storage place.
I could feel the heat rise in the place and I could feel my lungs inside my body struggling to breathe, gasping for oxygen…for more air. My eyes started to roll at the back of my head, my body unable to stand the fumes of the fire any longer.
This was it. I was about to die. Right here…right now.
As my eyes were rolling at the back of my head, my heart was slowly beating, and my lungs continued to gasp for air, I heard loud fire sirens from outside the shack. I couldn’t get up now, and the fire was almost making its way to me now.
“Go inside! Someone could be in there!” I heard a man shout over a bunch of other yells from other people.
I closed my eyes finally and I felt my head thud against the floors of the shack. My body gave in, but I could still see everything, but my vision was slowly failing on me. I opened my eyes gently one last time, seeing the fire coming at me. I darted my eyes weakly to the front door of the shack to see a fireman looking at me with worried eyes.
I closed my eyes again and I inhaled loudly for my last breath of air.
________________________
Comment, share, and vote.
):