"Where'd you get the gun?" Michonne asked.
Glenn, Abraham, Carol and I entered the room they were holding Rick in. He was sitting down on a matress, his face patched up by Rosita as best as she could.
I leaned against a wall purposefully staring opposite of Rick. If I look at him, my anger will take over and I cannot lose my focus right now.
"You took it, right? From the armory? That was stupid. Why did you do it?" Carol asked.
My eyes narrowed at her tone. I looked her way but she seemed normal. Her expression gave nothing away. It could be in my head.
But I've already been fooled by one person in this group. It's not unlikely that there's more to it than we know.
"Just in case." Rick replied.
The sound of his voice soothed me and disrupted my train of thought. I was glad that he's okay, but nothing could make me forget that he hid this from me.
"Deanna's planning to have a meeting tonight. For anyone who wants to." Glenn said.
Dakota mentioned it early this morning while feeding the twins. The people of Alexandria will come and decide what to do about the situation.
Or at least, express their opinions while Deanna decides.
"To kick Rick out?"
"To try."
My fingers tapped rhythmically on my shoulder as I thought about our situation. It wasn't looking good. After the speech Rick held, all bloodied and unhinged, it'll be a miracle if anyone's not afraid of him.
"We don't know that. Maggie's with Deanna right now, she's gonna find out what it is." Glenn argued.
I could feel Rick's eyes on me which stilled my fingers. He was trying to meet my eyes, but I kept them firmly on the wall in front of me.
Now was not the time to get swept away with relationship issues. We had to figure out what to do for the good of the group. That meant getting Rick not kicked out.
"At the meeting, you say you worried about someone being abused and no one was doing anything about it. You say you took a gun just to be sure that Jessie was safe from a man who wound up attacking you. You say you'll do whatever they want you to."
A scoff left my lips as I looked at her. It was a nice story. Semi accurate, too. But things still won't go our way. Nothing will change in Alexandria if we continue pretending. Rick got that part right.
"So we lie to them? Just like you've been since the beginning? Why?" I demanded to know.
She has been playing the role of a defenseless mother hen since the moment we stepped foot inside these walls. It was a smart play, but to what end? Sooner or later, they'll notice that she's not who she says she is.
I have been holding back, too. Pretending to be a better version of myself than I was so maybe I'd become it. But she's been lying the whole time. Our fresh start is nothing but another lie.
"Because these people are children and children like stories." Carol argued.
Abraham frowned. "What happens after all the nice words and they still try to kick him out?"
We do whatever it takes. We didn't come this far just to be screwed over by a stupid fistfight and a mental breakdown. Rick was protecting Jessie, a member of Alexandria's community. That's gotta be worth something to these people.
"They're guarding the armory now." Glenn warned.
And they're watching us, too. Every single one of our steps is being observed. If we do anything suspicious, they'll know. We're smarter than them, but they're not stupid.
"We still have knives. That's all we'll need against them." Carol remarked.
The weight of the kitchen knife I had stored under my shirt weighed me down. It felt different without a holster, made me more aware that it was a weapon and not an accessory.
"Well, tonight at the meeting? If it looks like it's going bad, I whistle. Josephine grabs Deanna, I take Spencer, Michonne grabs Reg. Glenn, Carol and Abraham cover us, watch the crowd." Rick explained.
To be fair, Deanna has been getting on my nerves. Threatening her would be oddly therapeutic. I wouldn't have to pretend as if her speeches about civilization didn't want to make me fall asleep.
"We can talk to them." Glenn protested.
I bit my lip thinking of whether they'd actually listen. It's not like this is the first time Rick has brought up things he finds wrong with this community to Deanna.
Maybe if he had been more direct, it would've changed things but I find that difficult to believe. Deanna firmly believes in her version of the world.
"Yeah, we will. If we can't get through, we take the three of them and say we'll slit their throats." Rick said.
Glenn's eyes narrowed. "Like at Terminus?"
A shudder went over me as I remembered that place. I still remember the word scribbled onto the walls. Never again. Those are the ones that stood out to me.
"No, we just tell 'em. They give us the armory and it's over." Rick said.
He didn't say what happens to them after we get the armory. They won't just go peacefully. Whether we kill them in the beginning or the end, it doesn't really matter. Either way, we return back to who we were before this place.
"Did you want this?" Glenn asked.
I glanced at Rick out of the corner of my eye. He frowned at the idea of doing this on purpose. It was a possibility. He could've planned it to force Deanna to wake up.
"No. I hit my limit. I... I screwed up. And here we are." Rick admitted.
His face had been turned towards me when he said he had screwed up. It wasn't an apology, he better be aware of that.
I have done a lot of things wrong in my life, but I have never lied to our group. Sometimes they've probably wished that I did. Yet I stayed honest.
I took a deep breath before exiting the room. There was a faint call of my name but I couldn't deal with Rick right now. Deanna would let him out soon so he can join the meeting tonight.
He'll find me. I know he will. But until then, I had time to think.
Footsteps could be heard behind me until Carol started walking alongside me. I slowed down a bit so our steps would even.
"Don't shut him out for this. He did the right thing and you know it." She retorted.
A humorless chuckle left my lips. "You're in on it, aren't you?"
She grabbed my elbow making me stop walking. I turned to face her with a clenched jaw. She doesn't have to say it out loud for me to know it's true. Rick and her did this together.
"Do you honestly trust these people?" She argued.
The only single person that has felt trustworthy here has been Aaron. Without him, the place felt deceptively nice. Like it could snap at you when you least expect it.
"Of course not, but this is crossing a line that cannot be undone. And you're putting every single member of our group in danger." I snapped.
Conspiring behind our backs has done more damage than good. They're thinking of kicking Rick out. Our leader, for fuck's sake.
If that's not the definition of screwed up then I don't know what is.
"Rick wanted to give you a fair shot at making this work. After everything that happened to Ryan-"
I scowled. "Don't you dare bring my brother into this."
She released a sigh before crossing her arms across her chest. All I've been hearing is excuses. I'm not against us taking this place, I'm against our group dividing because of it.
"You needed a fresh start. That's what we gave you." Carol reasoned.
I shook my head looking away from her. My attempts at blending in weren't something I was doing for myself. I couldn't care less if these people liked me. What I cared about was how their opinion of me affected our group.
"All you did was give me a lie." I shot back.
-----
A couple of hours passed as I avoided everyone else in the group. I needed to think, even though that's all that I've been doing since yesterday. My mind kept trying to find excuses for Rick, to justify what he did.
It turns out that doesn't help the feeling of betrayal simmering inside me.
Rick, who had been released from the makeshift prison, entered our room silently and closed the door behind him. I turned to him as he approached me carefully. He knew that my anger was not something to play around with.
At first, silence engulfed us as he simply waited for me to say something. I wanted to be okay with his decision, I truly did. But he did the exact thing that I have worked so hard on avoiding.
"Not only did you risk our stay here, but you did it for her." I spoke up.
Rick looked at me in disbelief. "He was hitting her, and her kids, Josephine."
I put my hands on my hips resisting the urge to roll my eyes. It's not that I didn't sympathize with Jessie, I really did. But protecting her could cost us everything.
"How is that any of your concern? She is not part of your family." I snapped.
Rick opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. My heart started racing as I feared the worst. That despite all that he claimed, he had grown to care for her.
I watched as he looked away from me and tried to think of what to say. When he finally did, I almost wish he hadn't.
"Neither were you. And I wish someone had protected you the way I tried to with Jessie."
My entire body stilled as the words he had quietly muttered sunk in. He and I didn't talk about our pasts. I didn't mention my mother, he didn't mention Lori or Shane.
It never occurred to me that just because he wasn't saying anything doesn't mean he didn't think about it. Even worse, he thought about how no one stopped it.
Not until Dakota cracked, but by then the damage was done.
"You can't save her, only she can do that. Your responsibility right now is your people. All of whom you've put in danger by keeping secrets and by lying." I explained quietly.
All my anger had faded and I was left with nothing but exhaustion. Trying to explain why this hurt wore me out more than I felt like it should've.
Rick finally looked at me again, this time with frustration creeping up on his face. A muscle in his jaw twitched as he stepped closer to me.
"I never lied. I tried to do things their way, same as you. I tried to give you what you want." He argued.
My eyebrows shot up at what he was suggesting. He can't be that blind, can he? I was trying to blend in for him, for our group. Not because I wanted this type of life.
"Do you honestly think this life is what I want? Parties and jobs filled with people who are way too stupid to have survived this long?" I asked.
He faltered and my eyes softened at the doubt creeping up on him. My hands went up to his face as I made him look into my eyes. He needed to really hear what I said next.
"All I want is you by my side, and our family safe. That's what matters to me. It's the only thing worth a damn." I stated.
He took one of the hands that was holding his face and pressed a kiss onto it. I drew my lower lip between my teeth.
"Did you think I wouldn't stand by you? Is that why you didn't tell me?"
"Well, we haven't exactly been on the same page lately."
I swallowed a lump in my throat at his confession. Ever since we ended the cannibals, his plans and mine clashed. He wanted to protect us at whatever cost and I wanted to make sure we were worth protecting.
"Yeah, we might disagree and argue and be mad at each other, but I would still follow you. You're not only my partner, you're our leader." I argued.
A ghost of a smile went over his face at me using the term 'partner' for the first time. I meant it, though. There were plenty of times that I didn't agree with Rick's plans but I always followed his plan.
Even when I wanted to punch him instead for being too good for this world. I can scream and yell at him until my throat is raw, but I would always follow him. I don't see anything that could ever change that.
I bit my lip. "Whatever happens tonight, I'm with you. All of us are."
He nodded at my words. I squeezed his hand before turning to leave. He didn't try to stop me and I'm glad for it. I forgive him for what he's done, but I'm still not okay with it. Only time will fix that particular hurt.
-----
Story after story, the meeting continued without Rick appearing. People took turns speaking their truth. It reminded me of the council back at the prison. I was offered to speak, but I chose not to.
Public speaking is something that I leave to Michonne and Maggie. And it's not like I could even focus. All I kept thinking about was Rick's absence. He wouldn't have just not shown up. It wasn't like him.
As the last person spoke, they were cut off by a dead walker being thrown to the ground in front of us. I flinched and jumped to my feet before realizing it was Rick. He was covered in blood and out of breath.
"There wasn't a guard on the gate. It was open." He stated.
Deanna turned to her son with an incredulous look on her face. Spencer was visibly alarmed as he offered a half assed answer about how he had asked Gabriel to close it.
He was instructed to go watch the gate and make sure nothing else was getting in tonight. I should've been the one on watch. Then this wouldn't have happened.
"I didn't bring it in. It got inside on its own. They always will, the dead and the living, because we're in here. And the ones out there? They'll hunt us, they'll find us, they'll try to use us. They'll try to kill us. But we'll kill them, we'll survive. I'll show you how."
Rick's eyes found every single member of Alexandria as he tried to make sure that they were hearing him. This was the Rick that inspired people, that made them follow his every order because they trusted him enough to make the right calls.
"You know, I was thinking... I was thinking of how many do I have to kill to save your lives? But I'm not gonna do that, you're gonna change. I'm not sorry for what I said last night, I'm sorry for not saying it sooner. You're not ready, but you have to be. Right now, you have to be. Luck runs out."
Footsteps could be heard as a shadowy figure neared our location. It didn't take long for the group to identify the all too familiar nuisance.
"You're not one of us," Pete growls, "you're not one of us!"
My breath hitched at the sight of a sword in his hand. Once again, I reached for a weapon that I no longer had. Its absence filling me with dread.
"Pete, you don't want to do this." Reggie said as he approached him.
Him and Pete started arguing. I had a bad feeling about the sword in his hands so I automatically stepped in front of Rick. His hand went to pull me back behind him, but I wouldn't budge.
This group needed him a lot more than it needed me.
In the midst of our wordless exchange, what happened next was a blur. A scream pierced the air as I felt drops of blood splatter on my face. Pete had accidentally slashed Reggie's throat.
Almost instantly, Abraham was on Pete while Deanna ran to her dying husband. Rick's grip on my arm tightened as he surveyed the scene. Pete kept screaming that this was Rick's fault, as if he wasn't the one to seal Reggie's fate.
Deanna's face twisted in agony as her husband took his last breath. I watched as she looked up at Rick with a determination quite familiar to me.
"Rick? Do it." She said.
This time, I allowed Rick to move me out of the way as he pulled out a gun and shot Pete in the head. No hesitation, no remorse. I released a breath I was holding before wiping the blood on my face.
"Rick?"
A new voice alerted all of us of someone's presence. I looked to the gate only to see Aaron and Daryl with a face that I could've sworn was familiar. My eyes didn't linger on him for too long, though.
Instead they went to Daryl who was already looking at me. There were a thousand unsaid questions in his eyes at the scene they had stumbled upon. All I could do was give him a tired shrug.
Shit hit the fan. Again.
End of season 5