"You want me to be a guard?" I asked.
I frowned at Deanna who was leaning against the doorframe. Her house was still as stuffy as I remembered it to be. It was difficult to imagine needing so many things.
Every shelf had some kind of knickknacks on them. Random books piled up everywhere. Homey, I guess.
"Our lookout. Rick thinks it necessary to have someone manning the walls at all times." She explained further.
I paused before looking at her in disbelief. So she's saying we're currently unprotected from the outside world. Anyone could just stroll right in and attack us with no forewarning.
"Well duh, we've gotta be able to tell if someone's coming at us. You haven't thought about this before?" I questioned her.
She clenched her jaw despite her smile staying firm on her face. I was getting under her skin, I knew that. But I couldn't stop myself when they were being stupid.
"Look, Sasha's volunteered as well. The shifts will be divided between you, her and my son Spencer." Deanna said.
My only experience working with Sasha so far has been when trying to get Beth. She seemed pretty unhinged back then and that was before she lost Bob. Another person in our group without a brother.
I nodded. "When do I start?"
Deanna seemed pleased by my lack of protesting. Truth is, I was bored out of my mind. Seeing Rick and Michonne in their uniforms, despite how ridiculous they looked, it made me want something to do as well.
Anything to keep me occupied. It felt like everyone was doing something other than me. I wanted to help, be a cog in the metaphorical machine of this community.
"Tomorrow, after tonight's welcome gathering. Mandatory for all guards." She replied.
A grimace went over my face and it amused her to see it. It really shouldn't. I'm not as bad as Daryl in a social situation but I'm not good at it, either. It takes me time to warm up to people, even more time for them to warm up to me.
"I'm not much of a party person or a people one, either." I commented.
It's a surprise I've lasted this long in our group. I'd like to think that I grow on them with time and they're kinda stuck with me. Affection comes later.
"You don't say," she smiled, "come anyway."
After wrapping up our conversation, I left her place and headed towards what is now our house. Or houses, technically. On my way there, I saw Glenn and Maggie with Rhea.
A smile formed on my face at the sight of Glenn holding her and making faces at her. Though I felt panic sneaking up on me when I didn't see Dorian with them.
"Where's her brother?" I asked.
Maggie looked up before pointing at another house in the neighborhood. I directed my gaze that way and saw Dakota with an elderly couple that was holding him.
"Dakota's been doing rounds with them, makes everyone happy to see them." Maggie explained.
For a moment, I felt protective of them more than usual. We didn't know these people. Any one of them could hurt the twins.
At the frown etched on my face, Maggie reached out to touch my shoulder. "They're safe, I promise."
Glenn nodded in agreement before swaying Rhea in his arms. She was looking around with wonder in her eyes. She was still so small, so young.
"I'm still not used to this place." I admitted.
Going from our house to Deanna's felt difficult. All those unknown eyes on me as I walked. I hated it. There was no being invisible here, not really.
"Day by day. We'll get there." Glenn reassured me.
I released a heavy sigh before shifting my weight from one foot to the other. It was hard to imagine a day when this place would start to feel like a home.
"Are you guys going to that stupid gathering in a couple of hours?" I asked.
There was no way I was going if the others weren't. I didn't see how I fit in here by myself. Maybe I could hang out with Daryl at the house. It has become second nature again to do so.
Neither of us fit in this place, but we always had a place with each other. I knew he wouldn't turn me away if I wanted to hide away with him.
"Yeah, Carol found some nicer clothing for all of us. Left it in the living room if you want to pick something out." Maggie offered.
I nodded. "I will, thanks."
I said my goodbyes before heading for the house. There was people from our group already there talking amongst themselves. I greeted a couple as I entered the living room to find something to wear.
Rosita looked up as I rummaged through the clothing. "This one would be nice on you."
Her voice startled me a bit as I didn't expect her to speak to me. She was holding a blue dress in her hands. It was nice, but not what I was looking for.
"Did you see anything with a covered back instead?" I inquired.
She hummed as she went through the bags until she found a dark green dress. As she handed it to me, I frowned. It didn't feel like me but I knew it was what this place wanted to see.
"Thank you, this one will do."
It will show this community exactly what they wanted to see. Someone that wasn't me. Not really.
-----
Dorian let out a sound as I adjusted my hold on him. The noise of people around us made me antsy. Deanna's house had become alive with food and music.
Dakota wanted her, me, Abby and the twins to show up together before the rest of the group. The Malloy family. That's how she had introduced us to most people here. For my part, I faked smiles and nodded at everything they said.
Mostly I waited for familiar faces to start appearing because I couldn't bear the weight of these strangers' scrutiny. They disguised it well enough with their good manners but I knew we were being evaluated.
It was later that I noticed people from our group had arrived. Rick hadn't seen me yet but I had spotted him across the room speaking to Deanna and her husband. I asked Abby to take Dorian for a moment.
As I made my way to them, Rick looked up and his eyebrows raised in surprise. The Josephine that stood in front of him was one wearing a dress with her hair in a low ponytail and with lipstick meticulously applied. One that he hadn't ever seen. One that didn't truly exist.
Deanna noticed the expression on Rick's face and hid her smirk behind her glass. "Come on, Reg."
I nodded at them as they moved away from us to give us some space.
Rick was wearing a white shirt with its sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It suited him. This place, despite him disliking it, it suited him. He fit in so effortless.
"How much longer before we can sneak out?" I teased him.
He chuckled as I forced a smile on my face. I wasn't kidding when I asked the question. Being here was only acceptable when drinking and having a baby in your arms made that difficult.
"Far too long for my liking." He replied.
His arms ended up on my waist as he pulled me closer to him. I was highly aware of the eyes on us but he only had eyes for me in that moment.
It was as flattering as it was scary. What if he liked this fake version of me better than the real me?
"You look beautiful."
"I know."
He smirked and went to kiss me but was interrupted by a woman calling out his name. I looked towards the sound as a blonde came to us with a man behind her. I'm going to assume that is Jessie.
"Hey, Rick. This is my husband Pete." Jessie said.
The man had a smile on his face that seemed way too forced. At least to me. I frowned as something was off about him. He reminded me of someone, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
"Hey, good to meet you. I wanted to thank you for taking on being our constable. If we keep growing at this rate, we're gonna need even more." Pete said.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at the word constable. It's the same as using lookout instead of guard. Dressing up words just to make it seem more elegant.
"Well, I hope so," Rick agreed before turning to me, "this is my partner, Josephine."
The smile I put on was less strained than most of the ones I had to show tonight. I had to admit that being called a partner instead of girlfriend sounded nicer. Rick was my partner, in crime and other things.
I shook hands with Pete and Jessie, introducing myself. She offered me a genuine smile and seemed pleased to have met me. I wondered if I had been brought up before when she was speaking to Rick.
"You want to come by next week? I'll take a look at you." Pete said.
He was looking straight at me and I tensed at his words. My smile faltered a bit, especially when I felt Rick's grip on my waist tighten.
Pete noticed the reaction. "And I probably should have said I was a doctor first."
Rick and I didn't say anything, only offered weak smiles. It might've been fine if Pete didn't give off such douchebag vibes. Standing near him made me instantly uncomfortable.
"I think it sounded nice either way." Jessie comforted him.
Pete only smiled at that. "I'm going to get us a refill."
Jessie offered to do it but was immediately shot down by her husband. I narrowed my eyes at the exchange. It was way too harsh to be normal. My eyes followed him as he left to get drinks.
"Having fun?" Jessie asked.
As she and Rick spoke, the more uncomfortable I got. She spoke of the world and how it was better in here than out there. In that moment, I definitely disagreed.
Not long into the conversation, I excused myself and went to get some air. Rick frowned watching me go to the porch. That's where I found Michonne and Abraham talking to each other.
"Does anyone have anything alcoholic?" I asked.
They both held empty cups, but then Abraham pulled out a beer bottle from his jacket pocket. Michonne stared at him in disbelief before she started laughing.
"What? They said we could drink as much as we wanted." He reasoned.
He opened it for me and I immediately took a big gulp. As soon as it entered my system, I felt better. It was less noisy and crowded out here than in there.
"I'm guessing you're not the social kind, either?" Abraham asked.
Michonne scoffed. "That's an understatement."
I playfully punched her shoulder before leaning against the porch fence as she chuckled. The beer in my hand had become room temperature but I didn't care.
"There's only so many smiles I can muster before I feel like throwing up." I admitted.
Michonne tilted her head observing me. I didn't know what she saw. All I could see was a fraud. This wasn't me. I don't wear fancy dresses or make small talk with strangers.
All I wanted right now was to be in the privacy of my own place listening to Rick Grimes telling me one of his life lessons disguised as stories. Just the two of us, no Pete and Jessie or anyone else.
Hell, I felt more comfortable sitting next to him by a fire in a barn that smelled like shit in clothes that hadn't been washed in weeks than spending five minutes in Deanna's house.
"It's only for now." Michonne reassured me.
I clenched my jaw at that statement. It's what everyone keeps saying, that it will get easier. But I hadn't felt at ease in the world even before it went to shit. All of this still made me feel like I didn't belong.
I hung out with them for a while longer before deciding to be brave and find Rick again. Except when I did, it was to see Jessie's lips on his cheek. It was a mere peck but it made my heart stop. He'd be good with her, better than with me.
My feet carried me away from that scene, away from Deanna's house. It wasn't that I was jealous of what I saw. After everything Rick went through with Lori and Shane, I knew he wouldn't do anything like it. I'd bet my life on it.
Yet the entire night has just made me feel inadequate, not enough for this place. As I headed towards our house, I noticed the open garage door of Aaron's house. Daryl was in it working on a motorcycle.
"That didn't take long." I said referring to his acquirement of a new bike.
He looked up and faltered at the sight of me. Whatever he saw he didn't comment on. Instead he focused on the bike again.
"Perk of the new job." He replied.
I entered the garage leaning against one of the counters. "Which is?"
My feet started to hurt so I kicked off the shoes I borrowed from Dakota. It wouldn't be the first time I walked around barefoot. The relief my feet felt was worth any other trouble.
"Aaron wants me to go recruiting with him." Daryl explained.
I furrowed my eyebrows as I thought about it. He'd be able to be outside more, less trapped within these walls. His ability to read people would also come in handy.
"It's perfect for you, Daryl."
At my words, he stilled not expecting a compliment. If you could call what I said a compliment. But I knew he understood that it was.
He bit his lip. "Aaron said you were going to be a lookout."
I removed the hair tie that held my hair in place and moved the front pieces of it so that they fell down my chest. Instantly I felt better, less put together but better.
"Yeah, with Sasha and Deanna's son." I said.
Sasha was a familiar face, but Spencer wasn't. Figuring him out will be important if we are to work in harmony. I don't want to deal with stupid people every day.
"Well, your shiny personality will certainly keep away all possible threats."
One glance at his face and I could tell he was making fun of me. I grabbed one of the shoes and threw it at his face. He ducked while smirking.
I scowled. "Will it keep you away?"
It was supposed to be a joke, but I genuinely wondered. He was handling the Rick thing as well as anyone could. I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to be as far away from me as possible.
He got up picking up the shoe I threw at him and then the one on the floor next to me. As he handed them to me, his hair fell into his face hiding those blue eyes from me.
"Nah, you can't get rid of me that easy." He said.
My breathing accelerated at his words. He was so close to me. Close enough to notice that he took that shower Carol had reccomended to him.
I offered him a weak smile before stepping into the street again. Silence followed me as I walked away from yet another man tonight.
The house was quiet as I went upstairs. Everyone was still at Deanna's party. I threw the shoes onto the floor of the bedroom Rick and I shared. It took me a moment to gather enough strength to turn on the lamp next to our bed.
Removing my makeup and brushing through my hair was the next step. I did it by the window watching the neighborhood lights. By the time I was done, I could hear footsteps make their way to our room.
"What's wrong?"
I turned away from the window to see Rick leaning against the doorframe. His eyes observed me as I faked a smile. It didn't take a genius to figure out he wasn't falling for it.
"Am I that transparent?" I asked instead.
I stepped closer to him but turned my back and motioned to the zipper of my dress. He closed the door and slowly made his way to me to undo my dress. As he did so, he paused. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion before I realized why.
His hand traced the scars before lowering his lips to kiss each and every one. I shivered under his touch trying to ignore the doubt clouding my judgement.
"What is it?" He repeated the question.
The feeling of his hands on me distracted me as he pushed my dress down. It was scrunched up at my waist and I made no attempt to remove it.
Instead I turned to face him. My hand held his as I formulated my question. It's not a conversation I wanted to have, but I knew he wasn't going to let it go.
"Do you ever wish I was different? More like them?" I asked.
His eyes softened as I removed the rest of my dress. I was standing in front of him in nothing but my underwear but the man didn't even flinch.
Though he did keep his eyes on mine the whole time. As if he wouldn't be able to stop himself if he looked anywhere else. My attempt to distract him from the problem clearly wasn't working.
"I love you, Jo."
His words made my heart skip a beat. I swallowed a lump in my throat. You can love someone and still wish they were different. It won't make you stop loving them, but it will break your heart regardless.
"That's not an answer."
"I love you, alright?"
He held my face in his hands forcing me to maintain eye contact with him. There was something desperate in his eyes now, like he needed me to understand.
But I couldn't. Since the moment we kissed on that farm, I couldn't understand it. He's seen me at my worst and he still chose me. Why would he do that? I don't deserve that.
Tears gathered in my eyes. He kissed my forehead as I allowed some of them to slide down my cheeks. His fingers gently wiped them away.
"You're all I want, Josephine Malloy." He whispered.
I grabbed the back of his head and connected our lips. His hands found their way around my waist. His touch awakened every nerve in my body and I needed more.
My fingers unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it off of him and onto the floor. He moved us onto the bed and I let my nails scrape his back. A groan left his lips at the motion.
The sound sent shivers all over my body. I pulled away from his lips and he started kissing down my body. My breath hitched as my fingers found their way into his hair tugging at it.
With hooded eyes, I watched as one of his hands reached out and turned off the lamp next to our bed. Leaving us in darkness.