"You ready?"
I swallowed a lump in my throat as my hand found Rick's. He gently gripped it while his gaze stayed focused on the gate in front of us. The pictures Aaron showed us weren't lying about the steel walls protecting Alexandria.
Though they had opened for us.
"Born ready, always been a real people person." I replied nonchalantly.
The smirk on Rick's face was enough for me to calm down a bit. We can make this work. I glanced at Dakota and Abby who each held a twin. They nodded at me and I nodded back.
Judith let out a random noise in Rick's arms bringing my attention back to the front. She was looking at me and I found myself quickly looking away. All I could think about when I saw her was Lori's death.
There was a rustle in the trees and all of us pulled out our weapons. Something moved on the ground and Daryl shot it. As he picked it up, I realized it was a possum.
"We brought dinner." He said.
I smirked at his words allowing myself to be amused at him being himself even at a time like this. If he could do it, then so could I.
"Come on in, guys." Aaron motioned for us to step inside the gates.
Rick went first and I followed with my eyes darting around the space. It was suprisingly big, with actual houses and streets. I didn't know what I was expecting when Aaron said community but this was not what I imagined.
"Before we take this any further, I need you all to turn over your weapons. Stay, you hand them over." The man who opened the gate stated.
I tensed at the thought of having no weapons on me. There has not been a single moment where I've gone without a weapon since this whole thing started. Unless you count all the times I've been held hostage which is more than I'd like.
"We don't know if we want to stay." Rick argued.
Aaron turned to the man. "It's fine, Nicholas."
I released a breath I was holding at his words. Aaron was the one I trusted. His people are a different story. No one's attacked us so far so I guess they're not as jumpy as we are.
"If we were gonna use them, we would have started already." Rick pointed out.
Starting with Aaron and Eric. Instead we brought them back and patched Eric up after he broke his ankle. It was a peace offering. As close as we could get to one these days.
"Let them talk to Deanna first." Aaron told Nicholas.
I gripped Rick's hand tighter and his thumb stroked my skin to soothe me. It was an involuntary reaction on my part. Usually I was good at hiding my nerves.
But then again, usually no one was holding my hand.
"Who's Deanna?" Abraham chimed in.
Probably their leader. A community needed one, especially if it's been standing for a while. Someone needs to make the tough calls.
"She knows everything you'd want to know about this place," Aaron explained, "Rick, why don't you start?"
Rick was about to reply when we heard noise behind us. It was a lone walker making its way towards the gate. Rick alerted Sasha who took it down quickly and without question.
"It's a good thing we're here."
-----
My hand touched my now clean face as I stared into the mirror. I was naked, bare, in more ways than one. There was something about seeing yourself after years that messes with your head.
My blonde hair was up to my waist, it had thinned out and I had split ends but it was still in better shape than I expected it to be. It was my body that I couldn't recognize. Whoever said thinner is better was wrong.
It was still me but not quite right. The proportions of me were wrong. And then there were the scars.
It had been so long since I had to even think about the ones on my back but now they were staring at me. There was also a gunshot scar on my stomach, a thin but long scar on my side, one underneath my jaw that I never even noticed.
My body was a war zone reflecting all that had been done to it. I took a deep breath refusing to look away. It didn't matter. The past didn't matter anymore.
I got dressed in the clothing that the residents of Alexandria left. The tank top that I had on didn't cover my scars and I hesitated before adding a light jean jacket over it. Not quite ready for the questions.
As I left the bathroom, Michonne took her turn to shower. Dakota was waiting for me in one of the rooms while everyone else was downstairs. She had been drying her own hair.
I went through the drawers as she looked at me in confusion. Once I found what I wanted, I handed it to her.
"You want me to cut your hair? I haven't done that sorta thing in a while." She responded.
I shrugged before plopping down onto the bed in front of her. She used her own towel on me so we wouldn't get hair everywhere.
"It's getting in the way. And I don't trust anyone else with it." I replied.
At least no one in the post apocalyptic world. Dakota made shitty coffee, but a haircut was a different story. When she was little, she used to cut our dolls' hair whenever she was bored.
Our mother got tired of it and refused to buy more of them. So Dakota switched to her own hair instead. And that was something our mother didn't care about as it cost her no money.
"Maybe you just want to look nice for your boyfriend. He's certainly put in the effort to look nicer."
My heart started racing at that word. Boyfriend. Rick Grimes was my boyfriend. It sounded like something a child would say yet it warmed my heart. Her choice of words almost distracted me from what she said.
I frowned. "What on Earth are you talking about?"
She smirked as she cut my hair, pieces of it already on the ground. I motioned to her how short she should cut it and she nodded. It's only hair, it'll grow back.
"You'll see." She replied to my question.
I snorted. "Well, thanks for the cryptic answer."
I fiddled with my fingers as I waited for the haircut to be over. Being in an actual house was putting me on edge. Last time I was in one was right after reuniting with Rick and Carl.
It wasn't exactly the brightest period of my life. And I was really cold towards them. I'm not great with it right now, either, but I'm trying. Always fucking trying.
"How did your interview with Deanna go?" Dakota asked.
Another twist in the Alexandria story that I didn't see coming. Deanna, the leader, filming some type of interviews with survivors. I didn't see the point in it but I agreed to it nonetheless.
"Fine, I guess. She didn't offer me a job though, said she's still figuring me out."
I might've adjusted her words a bit. What she said was that I seemed lost, like I'm holding back. Which I was but only not to seem like an asshole. New start and all that.
Though I didn't hide my distaste at her being a politican which amused her to no end.
"Did she offer you one?" I asked.
She tilted my head down and I was already getting bored. It was easy to forget how boring and long it was to get your hair done. Almost made me regret asking for it.
"You're looking at Alexandria's official babysitter. Well, caretaker but it's the same thing."
Deanna didn't have to get creative with that one. A person only had to take one look at Dakota and see that she was a perfect parent. She's been doing it her whole life.
"I guess that makes sense. We did bring in three babies, someone's gotta take care of them." I said.
The unspoken meaning behind my words was lost on my sister, but I still knew it. Someone had to take care of the twins since their parents were gone. They were dead, left behind in a life that is no longer ours.
I tensed before shutting my eyes tightly. The image of Ryan flashed behind my eyes yet again and I had to fight off the mind spiral that I could feel coming on.
"Yeah, and I get to make sure that Rhea and Dorian are safe. Judith as well if Rick ever parts with her." Dakota commented.
My eyes opened as I regained some of my control. Focusing on Rick was more pleasant than the death of my brother. Even if it was a fleeting distraction from the pit in my stomach.
"I think you'll have your hands full with just the two babies." I retorted.
We fell into silence after that as I waited for her to be done. It didn't take nearly as long as I expected it to. Once she was done, my hair reached right above my breasts. Still long, but not nearly as before.
Once we wrapped up with that, Dakota decided to clean up the mess while I went downstairs to join the rest of the group. I nearly got to the bottom when I saw someone coming up the stairs.
As our eyes met, my breath hitched. Rick and I both froze at the sight of the other. What I looked like to him, I didn't know, and staring at his new look, I didn't even care.
His face was clean shaven, just like it was when we first met. It aged him down more than I thought possible. He had also gotten a haircut, which made me pause.
I had always found him attractive but the thought of it didn't cross my mind until now. It was in that moment that I was hyper aware of the fact that we hadn't done much other than kissing. And how I'd really like to be able to do more with him.
"You're a sight for sore eyes, Ranger Rick." I mumbled.
A bashful grin spread across his face for a moment far too short for me to appreciate it fully. He stepped closer to me and my breath hitched. His movements were slow, as if he was holding back.
"Glad you like it." He responded.
We were so close to each other but did not touch. His eyes softened as he took in my whole appearance. I wished to always remember the way he looked at me. As if though I was a dream and not a nightmare.
Dakota came down the stairs along with Maggie. Rick and I moved to the side to let them pass.
"Turning the lights off in five." Maggie alerted us.
I hummed in agreement even though having a bedtime seemed weird. Everything about this felt weird. They had turned off the lights upstairs and only one remained in the living room leaving Rick and I in half darkness.
There were hushed conversations downstairs as everyone got ready for bed. I hesitated before opening my mouth to speak. Rick didn't give me a chance to as he connected our lips in an almost desperate manner.
A quiet groan left my mouth at the feeling of his skin on mine. My hand stroked his smooth cheek while the other pulled him closer to me. I could feel my pulse racing, but I knew we couldn't take it any further.
I pulled away hiding my face in the crook of his neck inhaling his smell. His arms wrapped around me and we just stayed there for a couple of minutes. The lights turned off but we didn't care. We'd join the others soon enough.
----
"Time to punch the clock and make the casserole." Carol announced.
I looked up from my spot on the porch to see her in an outfit that made her look like someone's grandma. She did a little twirl for Daryl and I to which she received only confused looks.
"Do I even wanna know?" I asked.
I closed one of the old magazines that Abby had found in our houses. Seeing what our world used to be like was daunting, but still amazing.
"Make dinner for the older people, moms who need a break, people who can't cook. Get to meet a lot of the neighbors that way." She explained.
Daryl scoffed as I let out an amused chuckle. It was a job that I couldn't imagine her doing. Not anymore, at least. Everyone was reverting back to their pre apocalyptic selves and not in a good way.
"Alright." Daryl grunted.
Carol frowned. "Have you taken a shower yet?"
Daryl hummed as a response. Carol glanced at me with a look that said she wasn't buying it. I shrugged nonchalantly.
It was Daryl. No place was going to change who he was. It's what I liked about him.
"Josephine, make him take a shower, I'm gonna wash that vest. We need to keep up appearances, even you." She replied.
She made her way off the porch and towards the neighbors. Looking at her, it was impossible to imagine she lived outside these gates. I suppose that was the whole point.
Neither her or Rick seemed to be at ease in Alexandria. She pretended to be someone she wasn't and Rick didn't relax. Even now he was out there checking out every street.
"Hey, I ain't starting now." Daryl said.
Carol didn't hesitate with her reply. "I'm gonna hose you down in your sleep."
I let out a snort which made Daryl frown. Worst part is that I'd help her. There's nothing wrong with showering, especially with hot water present.
"You look ridiculous." Daryl called out.
She did, but she was blending in. We had to do it, too. It was just always harder for us. Feeling like an outsider was never a pleasant feeling.
"She's right, though. We can't sit here being moody all day." I commented.
Rick asked me to go with him to meet Jessie, one of our neighbors. Apparently, she had two sons, one that was Carl's age. He and Abby have been hanging out with the younger generation or whatever.
Yet I couldn't. I thought I was ready to be someone else. Shedding your old skin isn't easy, though.
"Maybe you can't."
"Hey, I am a professional at being moody."
A ghost of a smile passed his face. I took a deep breath letting myself enjoy it. It was difficult to make him smile these days. I'll take what I can get.
"Is it what you thought it was going go be like?" He asked.
I bit my lip before looking around the neighborhood. Inside the walls, it was as if the undead didn't exist. A life like that was all any of us ever wanted for the children of our group.
"No, but it's exactly what Ryan wanted for his kids..." I trailed off.
A lump formed in my throat as I said his name out loud. Sometimes I thought of him forgetting that he was no longer here. His name on the tip of my tongue. Most mornings, right before I wake up, I live in a state where his death isn't something I'm conscious of.
But then I hear the twins cry and my reality gets snapped back into focus. There are times when I wish not to wake up just so I could live in that fantasy.
"You miss him?" Daryl asked.
My eyes stung as I tried really hard not to cry. I don't know why the question hit me so hard. Maybe it's because no one had actually asked me that yet or maybe it was just Daryl.
He who knew what it was like to lose a brother in the war against the Governor. The answer to his question was clear, but he had asked it anyway. I appreciated him bringing it up even if I hated thinking of Ryan's death.
"All the damn time."
Daryl did nothing but nod at my answer. I inhaled sharply as I blinked away any possible tears. It was a fresh start, no need for grieving.
I heard a rustle upstairs and told Daryl I'd be back. Upon entering the house, I saw Carl coming down. He paused upon seeing me and I held my breath. We hadn't really spoken about Rick and I with each other.
"I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, about your dad and I." I blurted out.
He hesitated before nodding. My heartbeat increased as I didn't want to screw this up. Rick's kids were everything to him. And Carl has always been nice to me.
I didn't want him to think I was trying to replace Lori. Because I had absolutely no interest in becoming his or Judith's mother. I wanted us to be good with each other, the way we always were.
"It's alright, Josephine." He said.
"You sure? It's okay if it's not." I told him.
He was old enough to understand that people and relationships were complicated, but I still wanted to clear the air. We were a tight group and the way we stayed that way was by talking things out.
Even when all one wants to do is crawl under a rock.
"You make him happy," he paused, "and you're ocasionally funny."
A scoff left my lips at his 'ocasionally' comment. I was hilarious all the time, thank you very much. He smiled at me knowing I'd react this way.
I flicked him on the head. "Smartass."