A/N: this is once again
a heavier chapter
please read the warning. :)
TW: mentions of death,
themes of murder,
suicide attempt
HARRY P.O.V
It was drizzling slightly outside, which is normal in Holmes Chapel. I was sitting next to one of my mates, Zayn, in our maths class.
This was my last subject of the day before I got to head home. I walk everyday with my mates, Zayn, Louis, Liam, and Niall.
I've been friends with all of them besides Niall since year two. Niall moved from Ireland to Holmes Chapel at the start of year five. It's the second week of year eight, and I'm already being bombarded with assignments.
I'm ready to go home. It's been too long of a day. I barely got any sleep last night from staying up watching The Fast and the Furious last night.
"Pst, aye, Harry, mate." Zayn taps on my shoulder. I turn towards him and mouth 'what'. "I forgot to give you this earlier, but Louella handed it to me to give to you during lunch.
Zayn slides me a folded piece of paper with my name written on the outside in cursive.
Louella is one of the prettiest girls in our year. Everyone has a crush on her. She is posh, but not prissy. She is extremely friendly so everyone likes her, and if someone doesn't then they are just seen as a wanker because what's not to like.
I unfold the paper curious as to what Louella has to say to me out of all people. I haven't talked to her besides a simple wave in the halls.
I open the paper and read.
Dear Harry,
I know this is probably strange coming from me, especially since it's out of nowhere, but I think you are really good looking. I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me some time?
I left my number below, call me with your answer!
Love, Louella.
"What's it say?" Zayn asks, trying to read over the words. I fold the paper back up and set it to the side.
I shrug my shoulders. "Nothing much, she just asked me to go out, left her number and all." I say as if it was nothing.
Zayn eyes shoot open wider, and he looks at me as if I'm balls out of my mind. "Nothing much. Really, H?"
"What." I shrug my shoulders, not understanding what the big deal is. Louella is pretty, and a sweet girl, don't get me wrong, but I'm not into her like that.
The idea of dating, and going out with someone sounds like a snooze if you ask me. My mates, and most boys my age are all starting to become girl obsessed, and all the girls are becoming boy crazy. I haven't fallen into the black hole of romance, and anything remotely connected to it.
I'm sure one day it will hit me, and I'll become girl obsessed, but I don't think I'll ever be the guy who can be into a lot of girls at once.
It's hard for me to let people in, I may only be twelve, but I know relationships require a lot of trust, and that's just something I don't have a lot of.
"This is Louella we're talking about!" Zayn scoffs, shaking his head in disappointment. "You're not going to blow her off are you?"
"I mean...I was planning on it." I say truthfully, scratching the back of my neck. I loosen my necktie slightly, as it was starting to bother me.
"No, you can't." Zayn looks at me dead serious. He crosses his arms over his chest, and narrows his eyes at me. "Blasphemy if you do ignore her. She fucking hot Harry, and popular, and hot!"
"So, why does that matter?" I ask, being one hundred percent serious. What does looks have to do with determining if I should go out with someone or not. Yes, looks play an important role in who someone might go for, but basing that choice on looks alone is ridiculous to me.
Zayn opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to find a good response. He just huffs out a breath of air. "It doesn't, but I mean, it's Louella."
All the bells in the school go off at once signaling that school has ended. I get up from my seat once I put everything away.
I sling my bag over my shoulder, and wait for Zayn to finish packing up so we can meet up with everyone else.
"Hurry up." I grumble out, feeling like he is taking too long.
"Fucking hell, H, give me a second." He rolls his eyes as he pushes himself up to stand.
"Sorry, but you know I have to be home." I state the obvious. Zayn nods his head understanding. He pushes his chair in, and we walk out of the classroom.
"Took you long enough." Niall says the second we step out of the classroom. He, Liam, and Louis all are standing by the door waiting for us.
"My bad, I thought I had lost the homework for a second." Zayn explains, chuckling after.
"Let's get out of here, I'm ready to fucking relax." Liam groans. We all nod in unison, and make our way out of the building.
As we are walking, we pass Louella and her group of friends. She's standing in her uniform. Her shoulder length blonde hair is sticking out of the bottom of her cream colored beanie. She has on a long brown trench coat over her uniform since it's cold outside.
Louella glances up after her friend beside her taps on her shoulder, and points towards me. She smiles once her hazel eyes meet my own.
She says something to her friend, before rushing over right towards our group. All the boys stop walking as they see the prettiest girl in school wave at all of us.
"Uh, what's going on?" Niall whispers.
"She's here for Harry." Zayn smirks at me.
I roll my eyes and show off my middle finger right at him. He just chuckles with a shake of his head.
"Cheers boys." Louella says in her soft, feminine voice. She has a more higher pitched voice. It's not annoying and squeaky, but it's not like the girls who have deep voices.
"Louella, hello. How are you?" Louis is the first to speak, breaking the awkward silence that fell over us.
"I'm doing good, and yourself?" She asks back out of courtesy.
"I'm good. What can we help you with?" He questions her.
"I was actually here to talk to Harry." She points to me, and then looks down at her loafers. "If that's okay with you."
All the boys besides Zayn look at me with confusion. I don't necessarily want to, knowing that I have to be home soon, but I have a few minutes to spare, so I might as well get it over with. "Yeah, I just have to leave soon."
"Of course, it will be quick." She steps and walks to the side away from our group. I follow after her with a huff.
"So...what is it that you want to talk about?" I bite the inside of my cheek.
"Did you get my note?" Louella jumps right into the topic, catching me off guard with how blunt she just was.
"I did." I state, nodding my head.
"And?" She bounces on her toes, holding her hands together behind her back.
"Um." My mouth runs a little dry. I didn't think Louella would try and pull me to the side to talk about it. I assumed I could just ignore her, and she would get the hint. Having to tell her to her face is more nerve wracking than I thought it would be. "Look, Louella—"
"Oh." She says, with disappointment lacing her tone. "You don't even have to finish your sentence. I get what you're about to say."
"Oh." I clear my throat. "I'm sorry Louella, but there are a lot of guys who would love a chance with you."
"But not you..." She looks to the side, crossing her arms tightly over her chest.
"Not me." I say quietly, feeling a cloud of awkwardness loom over us. Louella doesn't say anything after, she just nods her head, and walks off towards her friends. I do the same turning around, and walking back over to my friends.
"What was that all about?" Niall eagerly asks me as we start walking towards our neighborhood.
I'm lucky enough that all of us live within the same block. A lot of my classmates did, it's the neighborhood with the nicest houses after all.
"Yeah, Harry, spit it out." Zayn wiggles his eyebrows at me.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, letting it be known that I am annoyed with the topic of conversation. "Louella gave me a note basically saying she fancy's me, left her number and all."
"What!" Liam shouts, hitting me in my shoulder. "Fuck of lad, no way, what did you say?"
"I told her I wasn't interested." I say it as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. I rub my shoulder, throwing daggers at Liam with my eyes.
"Christ, Harry." Liam slaps the back of my head. I turn and shove him slightly. "When are you going to stop turning girls down?"
"When one of them catches my attention." I say as I fix my hair.
"And how can a girl catch your attention because it seems impossible." Louis adds on, making me roll my eyes.
"I don't know, maybe when I see the right girl, I'll know. Why is it such a big deal, we're twelve, I have time."
I pick up my pace as I see my house come into view, the rest of the lad's houses are farther down.
"Whatever." Liam scoffs. "See you later mate."
"See you guys." I run off, up to the front door of my house, and enter.
I immediately took my shoes off knowing if there was a track of dirt in the house my mother would have a fit.
I don't have to stress too much since my mother is in Italy right now working on her next collection, and my father is at an important conference today and won't be back until Monday. My parents have my aunt watching over the house while both of my parents are gone.
I rush upstairs as quickly as possible, and burst into my room to rip off my uniform, and change into comfy clothes.
I make sure to move at a fast pace not wanting to be another minute late. Once I'm fully dressed, I look in the mirror attached to my dresser, and comb out my hair to fix it.
Once I'm done, I leave my room, and head two doors down the hall. I stop at the door that leads to the room I want to go in.
I grip the doorknob, and twist it open. My eyes meet a throw up of purple all over the room. Purple bedding, purple curtains, purple sheets, purple rug, purple dollhouse, purple stuffed animals, purple decorations, purple, purple, purple.
"Ree!" I hear a squeal come from the bathroom door. I smile brightly as I see Harper standing in her purple care bear nightgown. My aunt stood behind her rubbing her shoulders.
"Hi butterfly." I hold my arms out. Harper quickly rushed into them, gripping me in a tight hug. "I missed you."
"I missed you too Ree, my tum tum still hurts." Harper pouts, making me want to turn her little frown upside down.
"Sweet girl has been throwing up all day, and believe me Harry, she wanted her big brother really badly." My aunt says as she smooths Harper's hair behind her ear and begins to plaque her hair.
"Yeah, you wanted your big brother, butterfly?" I pinch her sides making her squirm slightly, and giggle. My aunts tsks at me for making her move, and interrupting her.
"Yeah, I really missed you, bubba. Only you can make me feel better." She admits which warms my entire body up a whole ten degrees.
Harper Ellie Styles is the reason I live and breathe everyday, and push through the shit I go through. Harper came into this world when I was five. I had never been more excited in my life to have a sibling. Five year old Harry loved the idea because that means I wouldn't be alone.
Now, seven years later, the reason I'm excited everyday that I have a sibling is because I have someone to love everyday.
When Harper was born, I promised her in the hospital when I got to visit her for the first time that no matter what, I would make sure she felt loved.
I promised that with her little hand wrapped around my pinky. It was our first pinky promise, and I would live my life to make sure I never break it.
I didn't have the best life growing up. My parents weren't particularly evil and abusive, but they were and still are very absent. They are always gone for job related purposes. When they are home, they barely acknowledge me, or Harper.
After the first three months of Harper's life, my mother hired a nanny to take care of her, since she felt healthy enough to go back to work.
Ever since then, Harper was never around my mother. She never got that skin to skin contact that a baby needs from their parents. I used to sneak into her room at night when she was fussy. I would climb into her crib, and lay her on top of my bare chest so she could feel some form of safety and security from my skin.
I hoped it would work because that's what the internet told me when I searched how to make sure a baby knows it's loved.
Since she was about four months old, Harper has been attached to my hip, but I never cared. When my mates were over and complained about Harper being in the room and taking my time. I told them they could either suck it up or fuck off out of my house.
I always brought her along with me when I went over to my mates house as well so that she wouldn't be alone.
The only time I left her alone is when she had a playdate, school, or a family member was over to watch over her.
"Well I'm here now." I pinch her cheek, to which she swats my hand away. "Come on, let's get in your bed and watch The Fast and the Furious."
Harper jumps up and down, and runs over to her bed, burying herself under the covers. Harper may love the color purple, princesses, dolls, and other girly shit, but she still is my little sister, and loves what is seen more as boys activities too.
"There's a bowl by her bed on your side in case she needs to throw up and can't make it. She's pretty sickly, but you being here will help her feel a lot better." My aunt squeezes my shoulders. "You're a good brother Harry, truly. You are doing an amazing job with Harper. I'll be down stairs prepping dinner, ring the bell if you need me."
I nod my head, and walk in my aunts now outstretched open arms. I gave her a hug and thanked her for watching over Harper while I was at school.
I crawl into bed once my aunt leaves Harper's room. Harper immediately scoots closer to me, and curls up to my side.
I comb through her hair and press a kiss to the top of her head. I grab the tv remote and turn the tv on. I click on the movie which is downloaded to the tv.
I press play, setting the remote down next to me on the side table. I wiggle in the bed until I'm comfortable, and bring Harper's body closer to mine.
She's burning up, and I'm afraid I am making her too hot. Somehow Harper caught the flu from a kid at school, and has been feeling ill since yesterday night. I didn't even want to go to school yesterday, feeling my heart break at the thought of leaving my sick little sister behind whom I know always wants me.
"Are you comfortable, butterfly? I don't want to make you feel bad." I ask softly, glancing down at her tiny body which is fully focused on the tv.
"I'm okay bubba." She says digging her cheek into my chest. I don't say anything in response. Instead I focus on the movie that I have seen hundreds of times with her.
It's our go to comfort movie. Something about how freely they drive, and the way they just live their lives is fascinating to the both of us. Especially the concept of family.
That's something Harper and I never experience apart from each other. I think deep down that is the reason why we love the movies so much. It's like watching the future we both hope to build for ourselves.
I feel like I'm Dom and she's Mia, and just like Dom, I would do anything for my family. I would sacrifice everything to make sure Harper grows up happy.
I'm already kind of doing that in a way, but I don't mind because Harper is the only girl I need in my life for it to feel complete.
"Ree." Harper's tired voice peeps up.
"Yeh." I say.
"Can you sing me our song? I feel sleepy, and I want you to sing me to sleep." Harper request.
I grab the remote from our side table and pause the movie. "Of course."
The answer will always be of course when it comes to her.
Harper shuffles up the bed more so that her face is now tucked into my neck. I hug her close, fixing her gold plain dainty chain necklace. I shut my eyes and sigh before singing our song. A small smile pulls to my face on how content I feel right now. I might not have the love of my parents, but as long as I have the love of Harper, then I will never run out.
"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high..."
I stare blankly ahead, my hands are gripping my steering wheel tightly. I've been trying for the last twenty minutes to get out of my car, but the thoughts of her, of Harper consumes my mind.
Singing that sacred song to Arlo impacted my mental state more than I thought it would. In the moment it felt right because I was singing a song, which I used to sing to the only girl I ever thought I would need in life, to the girl who showed me that my life wasn't fully complete without her.
For a long time I used to believe that no one else could have made me feel so happy with my life the way my sister did.
That's why I never went out on dates, or had girlfriends. It's the reason I only ever sleep with a girl once because at the end of the day, letting another girl in feels like I'm doing something wrong, like I'm forgetting about Harper.
So when Arlo Steele came along, she caught me by surprise because for the first time the thought of being with a girl didn't make me feel guilty, it made me feel on top of the world, hopeful.
But when Arlo Steele walked out of Lush earlier tonight leaving me behind, my heart shattered in the same way it did the day my Harper left this earth, and moved onto whatever was beyond.
It shattered the same way it did on the day that I killed my little sister.
I killed Harper.
I don't deserve to walk this earth knowing I took the life of the one person I promised I would make sure would flourish.
I robbed the world of seeing the beautiful Harper Ellie Styles grow up into a wonderful woman like I always knew she would.
I'm a monster, and I don't deserve to be here, and the one reason for breathing everyday walked out on me, but I can't blame her, because if that is what's best for her in her eyes, then all I can do is support her, but right now I just can't do it anymore.
I turn my car off, and get out. I take my keys with me, and lock my car. I shove my hands in the pocket of the hoodie I threw over my orange jumpsuit.
I walk over towards the railing which separates a drop off into the dangerous ocean from safe flat land. This is the only place I could think to go to when I left Lush.
I didn't know where I was going, all I knew was that I needed to get out of there and go somewhere.
And that's how I ended up here, at the lookout point Arlo showed me all those months ago during the first week of school.
I grip the cold metal railing and take a deep breath. Harper's voice, her laugh, her silly stories, her words, and her dreams all stuff my head full.
Why did I do what I did? Why did I have to let her down?
"I'm so sorry." I break out in a sob. Losing Harper was single handedly the hardest thing I ever had to go through. From not only being blamed by my parents for her death, but the fact that I lost my best friend in the whole world fucking hurt, and still hurts just as much.
My world of color drained, and black and white took over the day I lost Harper.
I fell into a deep depression after she passed. I slept in her room for a week straight, replaying all the Fast and Furious movies over and over again on a constant loop.
I had her necklace around my neck, and I cocooned myself in her bed. I didn't have much sleep during that time, all I did was just think of her, and when Imanage to fall asleep, I prayed to an angel to wake me up from this nightmare, but they never did.
I swing one of my legs over the railing. My grip tightens, not wanting to slip and fall. I slowly raise my other leg up and over the railing.
I let out a few shaky breaths, hugging my body close to the railing. With a shaky head, I look down at the waves violently crashing against the sharp rocks below me.
"Fuck." I whisper, but I block out the fear because my fear does not compare to the weight of pain I am carrying.
Is escaping my problem by death a fair way to go. No, but when life piles too many bricks in your shoulders, eventually you fall.
I close my eyes, and hone in on the wind slapping my face. "Time to see you again, Harper." I say quietly.
I hesitate taking the leap, it's terrifying. Will the fall be painful, or will it be as freeing as everyone says? The only way I will know is to go for it.
I hover my foot over the air, I close my eyes , and slowly start to loosen my grip on the railing.
"You're not actually going to jump are you?" My body jolts backwards. My heart leaps out of my chest. My entire body shakes at the realization of what I was just about to do.
It dawns on me that I am not alone, and that voice sounds familiar.
I turn my head to the side, and my eyes land on a figure. Hood over her head, sweatpants on, joint in her mouth, lighter ready to spark it to life, her legs swing in the air. Her long hair is touching the tops of her calves from her hunched over position.
Is this really life? Am I already dead and I just don't realize it because sitting in that spot, about to smoke a joint is the one person I need most in the world, who I thought I'd never see again.
My Arlo Steele.
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A/N: some more information has been revealed...oh what could be next...
See you in the next one
-iz