Despite what I said to everyone after my miscarriage they had come to visit us in Chicago, my work even said I could take as much time as I needed but after a month I was going crazy especially because Jaiden was working from home.
I went back to work a month later, it was better for me keeping my mind occupied. Jaiden however was a pushover and kept talking about me going to see my therapist. I knew I had to go at some point because my anxiety was declining as well. With dealing with my shit, I know it's weighing down on Jaiden's shoulders as well, I shuffling a deck of cards once and that's when I decided to speak to a therapist, it was hard work but Jaiden was with me every step of the way, he made it easier to attend sessions with him at my side.
It's been a few months since the miscarriage and despite the how hard it's been, our wedding planning continues. Taryn and Genevieve have been helping me through texts, calls and FaceTimes. I owe them a lot because they've taken the load of it all.
We've talked a lot about our other options like IVF but even with both benefits it would still cost us so much, even on my nursing salary. I also don't know if I can handle all the treatments after hearing what other's stories are like.
"I think the best thing we ever decided to do was have a small wedding," I sigh tapping my pen on my cheekbone.
"Who needs people anyways," Jaiden hides his smile as he types away on his laptop at the counter. We've decided to have our wedding back in Pennsylvania, at a small garden venue with just our immediate friends, from Chicago as well, and Genevieve's grandparents. We decided not to send an invite to my mother, there's no point considering I haven't talked to her since we graduated college.
"Gen said Winona has her flower girl dress."
Jaiden smiles and looks up from his laptop, he closes it "I bet she's excited," He hums walking over.
"Overly," I hum looking down at the wedding catalog in front of me.
"Are you excited?" He asks rubbing my shoulder before sliding his hand down my spine. I look up at him and smile.
"Of course I'm excited," I give him a look. "I'm marrying you aren't I?" I tip my head.
He smiles and leans down to kiss my forehead "I'm excited too sweetheart. Anything I can help with?" He asks.
"Nah, I'm good," I say, ignoring the small twitch of his fingers on my back. "But dinner," I begin.
"Of course, my girl is always hungry. What are you feeling?"
"Tacos? I ask and he chuckles.
"Sorry to break it to you, we ran out last weekend. But I can make some wraps?" He suggests.
"Good idea," I pat his abs and he chuckles. Our bunny comes hopping into the room and I smile picking her up off the floor, settling her into my lap. We spend the rest of our night in the kitchen, I often find myself gazing to the fridge where we kept our first and only sonogram. Jaiden had taken it down a week after we got home. I haven't asked where he put it and he hasn't mentioned it at all, we've kind of been stepping on glass about the whole miscarriage. It's a touchy subject for both of us, understandably.
Later that night, Jaiden is finishing some work when I step out of our en-suite. When he sees me coming towards the bed, he shuts his laptop and slides it onto his nightstand. I shut off the main lights, leaving the lamp on as I slide into bed.
"You're too far, closer," He demands, I smile and scoot closer to him and he wraps his arm around me. We lay in silence and I bite my lip, the burning question has been in the back of my mind for weeks.
"Hey Jaiden," I murmur.
"Hey sweetheart," he replies running his fingers through my hair.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
"Me?" He chuckles, I nod against his chest. "Of course I'm okay. Are you?"
I lay my hand on my stomach and sigh "I never thought I'd say it but I miss being pregnant," I whisper. He doesn't say anything but I feel him move underneath me and he lays down beside me, I turn on my side to face him, sliding my palm under my cheek.
"Even the morning sickness?" He tries to joke.
I smile "I could've done without that but," I shrug. Jaiden sighs and wraps his arm around me, kissing my forehead.
I pull my head back slightly and watch him trace my hairline with his forefinger "remember when you said we don't need a baby to be happy?" I ask and he finally looks into my eyes, he nods. "It would kind of help."
"I know," he squeezes his eyes shut before they reopen. "I'm sorry I've given you the small cold shoulder, I just. You know I don't know how to talk through my emotions."
I stifle a laugh as he traces my cheekbone "I know and it's okay. I just wanted to check because I saw the cards out the other day."
"I know, low moment for me."
"Hey," I urge. "I love you for all your high and low moments."
He smiles "I know," he nods tracing my nose. "Just so you know, one day this bed will have a kid smushed between us. I know it," he says pulling me into his chest. I fall asleep to his heart beating.
The next couple of weeks we're back in Pennsylvania for our late spring wedding, "you look beautiful Imogen," Genevieve chokes up. I roll my eyes, she sweeps under her eyes.
"Gen," I give her a pointed look, she rolls her eyes.
A knock on the other side of the door grabs our attention "knock, knock," Genevieve's grandma calls out as she opens the door, she and Winona step inside and both gasp.
"Auntie Im, you look like all the princesses," Winona gasps. I smile.
"Thank you princess," I say. "You ready to be my flower girl?" I ask and she nods excited. We finish getting ready before our photographer pulls us out for some pictures, we decided not to have bridal parties, just wanting to be at the makeshift alter by ourselves.
My wedding dress is super simple, a sweetheart neckline, it hugs me as it flows down to the floor and shoulder straps. I'm not normally one for going all out so when I saw this dress it was perfect.
"You excited?" Taryn asks me as she loops her arm through mine.
"Very," I hum.
She smiles at me and tucks a small strand of hair off my shoulder, "I really am proud of you sis."
I squeeze her forearm "thank you for doing this."
"Your my sister, who else is gonna walk you down the aisle," she says smugly and I smile. Our wedding planner comes around the corner from the hedges and ushers us closer to the aisle, she cues the violinist before having Winona walk down. Taryn gives me one last smile and squeezes my wrist before we walk down.
I'm going to have to give Genevieve a big hug after because the ceremony decorations are absolutely beautiful, I don't have time to admire the place because my eyes lock with Jaiden's. He smirks as we make eye contact, it's like we're moving down the aisle in slow motion, his eyes slowly and almost seductively move down my body, I immediately get butterflies.
Even after years just with a single look he gives me I get butterflies. Jaiden walks towards me as we stop at the front "you gonna take care of her right?" Taryn jokes, causing the crowd to chuckle.
"Taryn, seriously?" Jaiden tips his head, his hand still stretched out for me.
"Just joking," My sister shrugs and leans to kiss my cheek, I smile at her before dropping my hand into Jaiden's.
He squeezes my hand and I squeeze back "you look beautiful sweetheart," he murmurs kissing my cheek, I blush. The ceremony is easy and quick, we do our own vows. And it's everything I've ever dreamed of and more for my wedding, all my favourite people in place, and it's the most happy I've felt in a very long.
Once we've moved past our guests, back down the sails together, Jaiden picks me up and twirls me around. I giggle as he sets me on my feet, "god you are fucking beautiful," he marvels running his hands down my hips and to my ass. "Silk looks good on you."
"You clean up nicely as well," I say fisting the lapels of his suit jacket. He smiles and bends down to kiss me, dipping me backwards. Our moment is shortly cut off by our wedding planner who sweeps us away for pictures.
The night continues to laughs, speech's, toasts, good food and great company. I love being saddled up beside Jaiden, he gives me a sense of comfort that's indescribable. Jaiden murmurs against my ear "Do you think it's bad if we leave early?"
I squeeze his hand and he chuckles pulling his head back "we can't do that," I roll my eyes. His hand presses on my spine, I lay my head on his shoulder as we sway together. Everyone else is dancing to the upbeat song playing but us, we haven't stopped slow dancing since our first dance.
Jaiden brings our clasped hands, forcing my chin up "Ti voglio bene," He whispers.
I smile stepping closer "I love you too," I say against his lips. He kisses me back and we spend the rest of the night swaying away.
The venue we chose has rooms available and Genevieve being the best friend that she is, booked us a room, our suitcases are already in there when we enter "what they don't tell you about having a wedding is how exhausting it is," I sigh flopping onto the bed.
I hear Jaiden moving around the room before the bed dips, I feel his body surrounding me and I open my eyes, he's hovering above me with a small smile. "There's champagne, or are you champagned out?" He asks.
"God I don't think I can have another sip of champagne," I mumble. His smile widens and he leans down to kiss me, I hum wrapping my arms around his neck. He pulls away and cups my cheek, caressing my cheekbone.
"We don't have to tonight," he says his gaze turning serious. I know he means sex, ever since my miscarriage we haven't exactly been intimate with each other. Sure we've rolled around in bed a lot but we haven't exactly had sex lately, I guess he's sensed my hesitation about and never pressured or pushed me.
I sigh and weigh my options quickly, I run my hand through his hair "I'm okay," I nod.
"I'm not putting pressure on you sweetheart just because it's our wedding night."
"That's not it," I shake my head. "I want to because I'm okay."
"Are you sure?"
"You won't hurt me," I remind him. He nods. "But I want to get my makeup off first," I say, he chuckles and nods rolling off me. I grab my makeup bag and enter the bathroom, Jaiden follows me into the bathroom. He slips his arms around my waist watching me from the mirror, the second I've finished wiping my face clean he spins me around and hoists me up bridal style, I giggle as he carries us to the bed.
Our clothes come off in a haze and the sheets are rumbled in seconds. Jaiden cups my cheek and distracts me by kissing me as he slides inside me, I gasp lightly "you okay?" He asks, voice husky.
I nod against his forehead "just too big" I murmur. I adjust to his size before giving him a quick head nod. I'm lost in a daze as his hips move faster and faster, I can hear him speaking Italian but my mind doesn't register anything he's saying.
"Jaiden," I gasp into his ear, my hands gripping his torso as I shudder around him. He grunts and I watch him grab the headboard and thrusts into me, I watch him as he finds his own pleasure.
"Shit," he murmurs. "You okay?" He asks me and I nod breathlessly. He smirks and kisses the side of my mouth before slowly pushing himself up. He's quick to exit the bed and come back with a hand towel from the bathroom, afterwards he wraps me up in his arms and lays back.
We lay in the dark and I feel his hand come up to my chest "your heart is beating a million miles sweetheart, breath," he says softly. I place my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, evening out mine. The tips of his fingers dance around my back, this is how we normally end our nights anyways, he lowers his hand from my heart once it's beating at a normal right now, he clasps my light hand in his. "I wish mom was here," he murmurs.
I frown and cuddle closer into his chest "she's proud," I reassure him. He kisses my ring finger, the same ring he gave me after his mom had died, I wear it as my engagement ring. We spend our night between talking and me sleeping in between.
"And your gonna build it?" I laugh, Jaiden pinches my nose.
"Have faith in your husband," He says.
My gaze softens as the wind blows the white curtain "I like that word."
"What? Husband?" He asks and I nod. "Well I am your husband," he shrugs against me. I smile and kiss the side of his mouth. "You still have no faith in me that I can't build a house for our bunnies?"
"Just hire someone," I whine.
He chokes on a laugh, "I'm going to build it just to fucking spite you sweetheart."
I laugh, a knock at our door brings us out of our moment, Jaiden rolls off me and slides out of the bed. I watch as he slips on his boxers and then his slacks that are on the ground. I admire him as he dresses and then remember our wedding attire is still on the ground. He opens the door slightly, blocking any view of me with his body, I hear him thank whoever, tip him and wait till he leaves to pull the rolling tray inside.
"What a view, my husband shirtless in his wrinkled wedding slacks giving me breakfast in bed," I wink at him as he situates our coffees, he shakes his head handing me mine before bending down and grabs our clothes off the floor.
"We might need to get these dry cleaned," He says hanging up my dress.
"Probably," I sigh. I watch him move around the room and bring the rolling tray closer to the bed, he steps out of his slacks and slides back into bed with me.
"So, wife," he begins with a smile. "What should we do today?" He asks.
"I say, let's go see our house," I say excitedly. With wedding planning, we've also been in the middle of building a house and transferring our work places. We ended up getting a classic house in the suburbs of Pennsylvania, it's nothing special, not like Genevieve and Sebastian's but it does the job for us. It's a new neighbourhood so the house is being built, we're very excited.
"We can do that," He muses leaning forward and kissing my head.
"You want to go visit your mom?" I ask him quietly.
I can see the twitch of his hand before he flexes it and un-flexes it "we don't have today, we can wait till the end of the week," he says.
"If that's what you want," I say. He's quiet for the rest of the time we eat our breakfast, I give him the space he needs I excuse myself to go shower and change. I'm a bit sore from last night and I can't help but smile as I recount our wedding, it's just what I had imagined. I step into a pair of mom jeans and a cropped t-shirt before exiting the en-suite.
Jaiden is nowhere to be seen but I see the sliding doors open, there's a small patio in the backyard with a table and chairs so I assume that's where he is, I pull apart the white curtains and lean on the doorway, he's standing with his back to me, smoking.
His gambling addiction is a work in progress, he definitely doesn't grab his deck of cards as often which I'm overly proud about but the smoking is still a habit, baby steps I guess. I watch him as he pulls out the metal chair and sits down, I give him a second alone before I walk out. I place a hand on his shoulder letting him know I'm here and I slide onto his lap, he opens his body for me.
"Was it something I said?" I ask him running my hands through his hair.
"No," he confirms and I believe him. "It's what I'm saying inside my head," he says putting out his cigarette.
I can understand that, with anxiety I'm always overthinking and that's my greatest weakness.
I adjust myself on his thigh and lay my head on his shoulder, with my free hand I tap his jaw and he looks down at me. "I love you Jaiden, weaknesses and all."
"Ti voglio bene," He repeats "weaknesses and all," he kisses my forehead and tightens his arms around me. We stay wrapped in each others arms for the rest of the morning before heading out for lunch and then to our new home. Our home is in a new subdivision so it's been in the process of being built and getting to walk through a new stage of process has been our favourite part.
"Can you see it coming together?" Jaiden asks me rounding a corner, it's supposed to be the dining room to the kitchen.
"I can and I love it," I hum looking out the open kitchen window. The kitchen is the one room that's almost done.
"Have you gone upstairs?" He asks and I shake my head, he gently pries open my closed fist and squeezes my hand before leading me to the staircase. When we were going over the house plans we added in extra rooms, obviously for guests but rooms for our future kids, it didn't occur to me that those rooms wouldn't be filled.
"I love the window bench," I say as we enter the master bedroom. "Good eye," I compliment and my husband nods agreeing silently as he looks around the room. I watch him as the sun hits him so perfectly, like he could sense I was staring at him he looks over.
"What?" He gives me a small smile.
"I wanna try again," I blurt out.
"Are you sure? Because if your one hundred percent positive I'm with you sweetheart."
I nod and walk up to him, "I am one hundred percent positive," I nod throwing my arms around his neck, his hands slide around my waist and his fingers press on my spine.
"Okay," he nods glancing over me. "Let's have a baby," the corner of his mouth tips up and I smile before he dips down and kisses me. He kisses me in our future house, in our future bedroom and the kiss is filled with nothing but hope for our future.