" I haven't spoken to him, he's not answering calls or anything. I definitely think him finding out that she slept with multiple men, really threw him off. I'm pretty sure he was embarrassed. She said it in front of the whole fucking community."
" even if she was mad at him, why would she out her mother like that?" My mom sighed.
it has been a week since everything happened. I haven't heard from Josh. I know that he is alive because he looks at my messages. I know that he left for his business trip on Monday. Well, I'm guessing he left.
" we still have never confirmed or denied that we are together. So I feel like our situation is the last thing on his mind. Maybe." I sighed. " I was so scared about it coming out, and this is worse than I could've ever imagined, but I deserve that, I did this to myself. I did it as revenge but karma is not my job."
" I mean, you have always been impulsive. But you have always been a kind person. So kind that people have taken advantage of you. So don't blame yourself for this, you stood up for yourself. Do I believe that you could've handled things differently? Yes. You did what you needed to do to fulfill yourself."
" but her dad?" I sighed. " She was right, her dad was too far. Now I am in love with him and don't get me wrong. He is one of the best things that ever happened to me. But... I don't know. what would we tell our kids? How could we go through life?"
" you guys would just have to handle those things when they come up, you can't think about the negative all the time and expect positive. It's unfair."
" call mom I just don't understand why he's not talking to me." I sighed. "He stressing me out."
"He is just probably isolating himself."
" which may be a day or two it's all right. But how could you go so long without talking to me. I want to talk to him every second of the day mom. Call me clingy whatever you want to say. But I don't wanna go a day without speaking to him because I care about him, I want to know that you're alive. He doesn't even care if I'm alive or not."
" I don't think of it like that."
" I hate him." I sighed. "he doesn't love me." She sighed.
" Don't take what he does so personally."
" Well, I am." I sighed.
" are you about to cry?"
"No." I felt myself become hot with emotion. "No I am not." I shrugged off my emotions.
I don't even know why I am sad today. It's just one of those days, it has been easier because usually I could call Joshua and he would come. But he's ignoring me.
" OK."
" what if she convinced him to stop messing with me? What if he realized how messed up our situation was? I mean I can't blame him but communication would help."
" i'd think you are thinking too much into this, if it happens it happens let him tell you."
" This is what I told him, he can't leave me space to wander. This is why I don't do relationships, this is too much." I bang my head on my pillow. " he is stressing me out."
" it's only been a week."
"I am finna go to his house."
" he is not there, he went there yesterday." She laughed.
"I am go to go bust out his windows." She laughed.
"You are crazy." Somebody knocked on my door and I got up.
"I am not crazy I hate everyone... He is really pushing his luck." I opened the door and Kaleb stood there. " what do you want?" He sighed.
" can we talk?"
" what did you and your girlfriend break up? Every time you break up with your significant other you aren't going to run back to me like I'm some type of back up plan. I get it, we made a back up plan for us to get married. But at the end of the day, if I am your friend, I am your friend. You don't get to do that to me. So if that's what you came here to do, it's over with."
" what do you mean? I didn't- well I didn't think that that was what you thought."
" What did you think I was going to think. This is the same thing that happened in college and what did you do? Rub back to me. That's not going to work. What do you want for me?"
" I just wanted to see if you were all right, me, and Justice are still together."
" OK well go ahead. Why are you here? I don't care for your friendship anymore."
" you are just angry. I know you."
" do you, because I thought you knew me. But knowing me is knowing how much I value to you. You don't value me the same and I think it's because you don't understand the depths that my love ran for you. So obviously, you don't know me, you can just drop me off anytime your life and that means we don't need to be friends. You're not gonna keep cutting me off every time you get a fucking girlfriend. I have never did that to you, never. You never fail to do that."
" I just have so much going on."
" you could've communicated that, we communicated all the time. Just save the bullshit. I'm not having a good day and I don't have time for you. Maybe we can talk about this another time if I ever have time for you. Because you don't have time for me and you're not a priority anymore. So get in where you fit in and right now you just don't fit into my life OK? Get out my house." I snapped and he scoffed and I waved him off and he walked out and I closed the door. " my life is horrible, I want my man. I am so stressed out right now." I sighed.
Maybe when she hangs up, maybe a good cry would be amazing.
***
My phone started ringing.
"Hello?"
"Hello." I heard Joshua's voice.
"Hey, where have you been?"
" I am in China."
" how could you leave without saying goodbye? I understand that you may be upset, but-"
" I need a break." He blurted out.
" a break of what?"
" like a break. From this relationship, Gia was right. I put so much time into you. I have never even gave her half of the time that I've giving you. Maybe this divorce is something that I can use to get closer to my daughter. Then maybe we can come together later on."
" what do you mean? You couldn't tell me this in person if this is how you felt. You're gonna break up with-" I sighed.
" I have been thinking about it for so long, would you rather me had to wait two months or tell you now?"
" fuck you, really. Why?" He sighed. " why break down my walls and make me fall in love with you just leave me?"
" this was never my intentions. I love you."
" you do not mean that. I am so fucking stupid." I let out a deep breath. " Please tell me this is a joke."
" my intentions were never to make you fall in love to leave. I don't want you to feel like that. I have to choose my daughter."
" I'm so fucking-" I muted myself and I started to cry.
"I am so sorry. I love you so much." I hung up.
she is grown.
My body felt so uneasy. It was such an uncomfortable feeling. I didn't know if I wanted to cry or rate.
Why would he take it this far. I could've continued to live my life without this bullshit. I told my mom exactly what was going to happen. I am not stupid, I will always leave myself down the right road. This is so fucking stupid.
I felt physically sick in my heart was so fucking heavy. I never felt shit like this before.
It's fine, I will just distract myself. Maybe extra hours of work or something. I will just distract myself. That is the easiest thing to do.
My phone rung.
"Yes."
"You alright?" My mom asked.
" well, I was right, he just broke up with me."
"Awe baby, I am sorry."
" don't be sorry, that just gives me more time to work. I mean, I don't really have anything else going on in my life, so maybe I can figure out some new stuff to do. It's not like crying it's gonna help me do anything. Crying doesn't change the fact that we're done so." I shrugged.
" Did he say why?"
" because all the time that he's putting into me, he could be using to fix the relationship with his daughter. I mean, I guess he's right., I mean, if he really wanted to fix the relationship with his daughter maybe he should've just stayed here. Whatever excuse he got going that's on him. I need to focus on getting money."
" Well, maybe crying won't fix the situation but it does relieve stress."
" I am fine." I laughed. " everything's all right. Maybe I can do something else."
" what do you mean?"
" I don't know what I mean, but I'll figure it out."
" you don't need to overwork yourself."
" what else am I going to do?"
" it's all right to feel, you love them."
" I don't even know why I did that." I frowned my face in embarrassment. " I knew the rules and I knew the game and I had a perfect plan." I started to cry.
" it's life, things happen in life. Life has it go how do you plan it."
" I am so fucking stupid." I broke down. " I hate him so much, why would he do this?"
" maybe he is just trying to figure stuff out."
"Mom please, let's talk about something else."
" how about you come spend the night with me. Dad is not here, he's visiting grandma and I would love for you to come stay with me."
"Okay."
***
I pulled up to my parents house and he called for the 10th time, and I ignored it.
"Mommy!" I yelled walking in the house.
"Hey baby." She met me in the living room and hugged me. "I am sorry." I broke down crying and she held me.
I've never wanted to experience this feeling. This is why I am voided this at all cost. I don't know about this. I went through a lot of shit in life and this was the last thing I ever wanted to feel. I don't even know why I allowed myself to fall into the trap.
"I know baby." She rubbed my back.