Hi, my name is Amillion Walker, and today you're getting introduced to my days of depression.
they are always unexpected. And they hit me like a 18 wheeler. Sometimes it's even hard for me to get out of bed. I definitely know that it comes from me burying my emotions. This can last for a few hours to a week until I acknowledge all my problems and come up with a strategy to fix them.
we have been home for two days, I have been like this for a day now. I just don't know why I feel like this right now which means it's not going to end soon.
"You still feel sad?" Macy walked into my room and climbed in the bed with me.
I shrugged.
"I am sleepy." She hugged me and I sighed and hugged her back.
It felt good to have her here with me. She's always here. Just knowing that she's right here or if she's somewhere in the house and whenever I need her she's going to come, we have always been like this and this is why I value her above anybody in my life. She has been here through everything. it makes me sad to know that one day she's going to start her own family and she may leave me.
I don't know what I would do without her. She is such a big part of my life.
"What are you thinking about?"
" How our life is going to change when we get older."
"What do you mean?"
" when we get older, I know someday you are going to get married and or have kids. We are not going to be able to be around each other, you might move across the world. You always said you wanted to move to Canada once you get married. It seems like the older we get the closer it gets. Life is going to change so much for me... for us. Knowing me I'll probably never get married let alone have kids." She sighed and rubbed my back. " I don't know. I feel like the guys that I choose aren't the best. I mean Josh is amazing, but let's be honest he is stable and he is older, he's going to get tired of me one day. He's used to certain things that I haven't been able to achieve yet. And even if we do try, I don't think we're going to make it to far. Plus facing the critiquing of other people. This quote unquote friendship is only gonna last for so long, I mean look at Kaleb, I haven't talk to him in about six months. That was the one person that I was in love with, and I had no problem admitting that. I still sabotaged myself. I always thought that we would have a friendship, but even friendships die off. Maybe we weren't friends and he was just sticking around waiting for the moment where I was ready to commit to him. The way I felt about him no man could ever take me away from him, he would always be someone very important to me in my life. I would leave any men who had a problem with our friendship. That's just how I felt about him and for the second time it's confirmed that he doesn't feel the same way. Our friendship was the turn of me and Antwan's relationship, I rather Antwan had been insecure than let Kaleb go. Antwan kept pleading with me about it and he told me if I didn't respect him and his wishes he was going to go find somebody that would and that's exactly what he did and that's how everything got started. I just feel like I missed out on a lot of shit because of my attachment to Kaleb. It's not his fault because I never told him this. I just thought he would know that. Just by the way, I acted toward him and how I always protected him and how I always let him know that he came before anybody. I always reassured him. So I thought we had that understanding and then when we stop speaking in college, it broke my heart, and I also feel like that turn off the switch of the possibility of us being an actual couple anytime soon because I felt like he could throw me to the side at any second. I felt like he didn't value me as much is a valued him. How could you just not speak to me for months, I couldn't go a day without thinking about you. I was forced to be OK with him not being in my life and that is why I am more content this time because I expected it. The first time I would call him 1 million times and he got to the point where he blocked me. So I even found myself building a wall against him. Now look at us back in this situation and it's the same outcome. I feel like all of it is my fault, I know all of it is my fault."
" yes, you and your trauma caused self defense mechanisms played a huge part in it, but so did he. He doesn't have to cut you off every time he gets a girlfriend. He doesn't have to do that, you guys is friendship should have some type of value to him. The fact that he can just cut you off every time he gets a girlfriend, he doesn't value you guys his friendship, he just likes the way that you make him feel. He doesn't get to leave and come back whenever he feels like it. He doesn't want a friendship he wants a relationship, and you are very good at doing relationship shit, and not really demanding or expecting a relationship. You pretend that that's how you like it but that's not the truth. I just feel like you put yourself in a situation where you know that even if you want something from somebody they're not able to give it to you. You love when someone isn't capable of certain things, so you can psych yourself out that you don't need it or that it works out in both of you guys favor when really you want it but they can't give it to you and it seems impossible so you don't complain about it you just go with the flow."
" I mean, if I know that they can't give it to me, there's no reason to complain or they can't disappoint me if I already knew what the fuck it was. You get what I'm saying, how can I get disappointment when it was never an option."
" you need to stop trying to avoid disappointment, that's a part of life. People are going to disappoint you. Nobody is perfect. You should want other people to disappoint you before you disappoint yourself. I feel like you are so harsh on yourself and you disappoint yourself so much because you set yourself up for disappointment. You put yourself in a bad situation so when everything falls to shit, you can blame yourself. You know better, a lot of the situation you put yourself in you know that you do not deserve it so when they prove you right, you blame yourself. Life is about disappointments, disagreements, especially when you're interacting with another human being, with their own opinion, and their own way of life. everything is not going to be peaches and cream, you are getting disappointing anyway you might as well find that someone that you know even if you guys disagree or even if they do disappoint you, they mean no true harm, and they will take the steps to try to do better next time. You don't need to go through what you go through, you are hurting yourself."
"I don't mean too."
"I know, but now that you know you have to take accountability. Stop trying to find quick fixes for big problems and look at the problem as a whole and try to fix it overall. You need to strive for better because you truly deserve it. You have willpower, you value yourself a lot you can use all of those things including your mental issues to your advantage. Instead of just using them to repeat the same cycle, use them to build the life that you see for yourself. You don't let anyone have one up on you, use that to your advantage, you are a very smart and brilliant and intelligent woman Amil. You are strong, just stop self inflicting unnecessary problems on yourself because you are used to that bullshit. Stop trying to accommodate everybody else and fit into everybody else's world and make your own world and make people fit in and respect you. Stop trying to find someone you feel like you can figure out and adapt too. Stop limiting yourself to what somebody else has to give. Experience love in a whole. Find someone that will try to become a part of your world just as much as you are willing to for them."
"I don't know how."
" You figure everything else out. Now come on you have therapy in a hour."
***
" I definitely think we are getting better, right?" My mom looked at me and I nodded.
" Yeah, we are able to be in a room together now and we can have a good time together." I shrugged and Mrs. Smith looked at me.
" you are saying one thing, but your body language is saying another."
" I just been thinking about a lot of stuff today, not necessarily anything about her." I motioned. " I mean, a lot of my issue stems from issues that she caused."
" Care to elaborate?" I looked at my mom and I wasn't too sure that I was ready to have that conversation.
"What? We are here to fix our problems, and I feel like things are still uncomfortable between us because we are only scratching the surface of how she really feels." My mom looked at me for some type of reinsurance on what she was saying. " I feel like that is why the process of us starting to build our bond is taking so long, we're still at step two and we have been coming here for almost a year."
" OK so you feel like you guys are still just scratching the surface." She nodded. "How about you?"
"Actually yes. I honestly do. I know a lot of the shit that I would say, she may instantly become defensive. My mom only knows how to respond to criticism in one way."
"What do you mean?" My mom frowned her face and rolled her neck
And I pointed to her.
"That." She eased up. " do you know what, I don't care if this hurts your feelings. I am sick of acting like everything is okay, yes, we have gotten better because your insults have stopped but we didn't get to the root of the problem. If we are going to fix this, we need to fix it if not, we can just let it go. I am tired of holding on to things that don't work out for me, I keep you in my life because I feel like I owe you that for being my mother, when really just because you are my mother doesn't mean I have to keep you around. I can love you from a distance." Mrs. Smith nodded.
"Tell her."
" I feel like she sat the foundation of how I let people treat me."
"How you let people treat you has nothing to do with me."
" but it does, it really does. You normalize things for me that shouldn't be normal. I should know what love feels like, I should know what, feeling protective feels like, I shouldn't be scared of certain things."
"I did love you." She snapped and I rolled my eyes.
"Mom let's calm down and let her speak."
" She is my daughter why would I not love her?"
" she cannot help herself." I said and My mom went on. " You wanted to fix this right, so let's do it for real because I'm not gonna keep pretending. I am done! Do you understand me? I will cut you out of my life!" I yelled and she looked shocked at my tone. "Mom I am so fucking serious." I instantly started crying and she sighed and rolled her eyes.
"Please Amil."
" I am so serious, no matter how much I don't want to. I will do it. I promise you I will. I am done fighting for a mother and daughter relationship with you that you don't care enough to really work towards. You hurt me not the other way around." She looked at me searching for something and she eventually accepted the fact that I was serious.
I haven't cried in front of my mom in years because I felt like that is what she wanted me to do, that's what she was trying to achieve when she did all those nasty things to me. She wanted to see me break.