Today I was leaving, finally. Me and Tabitha did stay for four more days just hanging out.I went through all the stages of heart break and now im alright, well occasionally. It is hard to think about it sometimes but other times it's alright, im alright.
I packed up everything I had brought today. Since I drove here, Tabitha was going to drive back. I let Shelby know we were coming back a bit early. She automatically started asking me if I was okay. I looked at my phone and saw a text from.. kayden?
Kayden: I heard your in archers Ville. Paparazzi pictures... can we talk? I want a chance to make everything alright, I got the tapes you mailed me and I was us to talk. There's a lot in here that I want to talk to you about.
I did send him, his copy of the tapes that were blue. I didn't expect a reply, nor did I want one.
Me: if you make it quick I'm staying at the Hamptons Hotel.
Kayden: I'll be quick.
He's your brother no matter what. Yes he hurt you a lot but he's your last bit of family you got.
When he texted me that he was here I told Tabitha I was going to be back before going to see Kayden down in the lobby. He looked... better, sober.
"How've you been?" I asked him as we walked to his car.
"I've been in rehab, therapy, counseling. All of it for different things. I'm starting to feel better, how about you?" He looked better.
"I'm good, I'm glad your getting better." I mumbled as I stared at the window.
There was a longing silence "I understand you know Jules. I understood how you felt when the world was crushing in and you just wanted to die." He pressed on the gas making me jerk foward. I was very much confused.
"Slow down." I placed my hand on the dash board. He was shaking his head and whispering lowly to himself. What the fuck.
"Kayden pull over, we can talk then." He ignored me as he kept driving.
"I was horrible to you. I was a piece of shit." He cried. I felt a sting in my heart.
"Everything's fine, I promise. Just slow down." We we're heading over a bridge. Everything happened so fast, another car was coming at us at the same speed and he swerved the opposite side. My stomach droped at the impact of the car falling. I screamed out in pain as I felt something shoot up into my leg. Kayden didn't flinch once as I felt his hand grab mine.
I was caught off guard when we hit the water. I tried to unbuckle my seatbelt as Kayden sat there doing nothing, he gave up. "Kayden!" I tried to scream and he looked over at me, there was a flash in his eyes before he tried to help me take off my seat belt. I can't die, not right now. I'm not ready and Valeria I have Valeria and she needs me. I found strength deep down to loosen my seatbelt and pull myself out of it. When I got loose I tried to unbuckle Kayden seatbelt.
Tears ran down my face as his hands stopped me. He looked down at his stomach, a piece of glass was punctured into his stomach. My hands shaked as I took out the glass. His blood poured all over me. As I tried to use the glass to cut his seat belt.
Why won't it cut? Why isn't this working? He stopped me again. "I love you Jules." He mouthed before he closed his eyes. No no no. This ain't happening.
I tried to save him, I really tried but I fucking couldn't. I wasn't strong enough to get the stupid seatbelt unloose. I couldn't do it. I felt selfish as I swam to the top. The pain in my leg feels worse when I get out of water. A piece of glass was sticking out of my leg.I sat on the pavement as I cried to myself. What have I done?
♡
I sit in the hospital bed with my knees to my chest. He was getting better. I know it, he was getting better. He was fucking trying. One month ago I wanted Kayden gone because I was hurt from what he did to me, but now all I want is him here to tell me everything's going to be okay. I want someone to tell me everything's going to be okay.
"Jules." I know that voice. I looked up to see Jovian red rimmed eyes. My lip trembled as I felt everything unraveled. Even though I hurt him he allowed me to cry on his shoulder. To let it all out without judgment. He even cried a bit.
"He was doing better. He wanted better." I sobbed as I clutch onto jovian harder. Everyone around me dies, everyone. And I don't think I can handle it anymore. I suddenly feel the urge I haven't felt in a while. I know if I start again I won't be able to stop.
"What can I do for you right now? What ever you need."
I sniffled "I just, I need.. I don't know." I ran a hand down my face.
He held me tighter. I laid my head on his chest. "Do you think that's what he wanted?"
"Wanted?.."
"To die. Do you think he did that on purpose? Before everything he was talking about understanding how I felt about dying then it just happened."
"I don't think he will have that intent with you in the car. But I don't know. Fuck Jules you can never catch a break." He mumbled into my hair.
"Tell me about it." I attempted a laugh. Jovain said Ansel need a minute to deal with this but he was going to visit. "I think I'm going to go to Puerto Rico." I mentioned. "For good.."
"Why Puerto Rico?"
Then I explained to him about the tapes and why I feel the need to go to Puerto Rico.
"I think that's a good idea. Although I'll miss you like hell."
"we're broken up. Remember? You don't have to feel obligated to say things like that anymore."
"Jules you know better than anyone else that I won't say something if I feel obligated to do so. I say these things because I mean them."
That puts me on silence.
Two months later.
I've finally built up the courage to have the funeral. Many people said he didn't deserve one. I said otherwise. Media was going crazy over this, I didn't like how some were talking about it like they known him forever.
I held Valeria in my lap as we sat through the beginning of the reception. I sat next to Jovain causally, even though we haven't really talked during the two months. I had already moved to Puerto Rico and met Valentine. I've been staying with her. It's been refreshing. She wanted to come to the funeral but something came up with her work. I haven't met my grandfather yet, according to Valentine he isn't ready to see me yet. And I understand that.
Now the famous Diego is a whole different story, him and Valentine ended up married. I'm still flabbergasted about it.
"Jules it's your turn to speak." Jovian nudge my knee. I went up to the podium. I didn't have to write down what I needed to say. I already had it all in my head. From the moment the accident happened I knew what I wanted to say. I held Valeria on my hip as she slowly started to fall asleep.
I cleared my throat. "This is a bit weird I guess. Never thought I'd have to speak at my brother funeral this early... or did I think he would've been the first one to die out of the both of us." I kinda laughed to myself. "Kayden, well he was an asshole most of the time. But the other times, the times people didn't see was that he was caring and the best brother I could ask for. I'm not going to lie, he was a good person at one point till he changed."
Kayden was pain was often overlooked, and I blame myself. Maybe if I wasn't so wrapped up in my life, I could've saved him. I could've helped him when there was obvious signs of hurt. I've always wanted him to feel how I felt because I felt he was the golden boy, the lucky one and I fucking hate myself for that. He wasn't a bad person he was just a hurting person who tried cope in all the wrong ways.
I took a deep breath looking down at Valeria , I bit my lip to stop the tears. "He would be proud of me." I stared off remembering the good times we had. "Thank you all for coming." I gave everyone a quick smile before rushing out. When I got outside I let out a breath I've been holding in.
"Been waiting to meet you." I looked up and there was some old guy approaching me. I instantly got on guard. Alison then walked out beside him.
"Dad I've told you to stop addressing people like that." She scowled him. Before she looked at me "I'm so sorry for your lost Jules."
"Thank you- who's um this?"
He cleared his throat before stepping forward. "I'm burk. I used to be your mother and father therapist. Kain and Malia." He clarified. My face morphined to understanding. They told me about the crazy therapist they shared.
"You're the burk?" He smiled.
"I didn't know I was that popular around here." He dusted off his suit jacket.
My parents used to talk about him like he was a legend.
"I was hoping, you could spare me a couple minutes.?" I nodded and Alison gave my hand a squeeze before she walked away.
Me and burk walked to the bench and took a seat. "I remember the day Kain came to me after his father died. He was devastated but didn't show it. But the fact his dad was shitty didn't make his death any easier. Grief is something you can't close away, you need to feel it. You can't ignore it."
"It's hard, he was my brother and no matter what-"
"He was always there, I get that. I understand that. But sometimes we just need to keep people as a good memory. Imagine if he would've lived, what would he have done?"
Went back to his same ways. In many you know that. Why can't I just admit it.
"Exactly." He took my silence for an answer "so think about it like this, eventually he would've died. Just a bit sooner than expected."
I cut my eye at him "how are you a therapist. You're so.."
"Bitchy. Yeah my ex wife used to say that. Anyways, I just wanted to send my condolences."
"Thanks for that."
"I have a questions." He said "Have you told that jovian guy your in love with him yet?" I looked over at Alison and she shrugged with a smile
"No burk I haven't and I don't intend on doing so."
He sighed disappointed "and why the hell not?"
"Because. I can't, not yet. These couple months I've been working on myself so I can be the best person I can be. It's been hard as hell.. but I can't stop now. I have to keep going and telling him I love him now will only erase my personal progress."
"That's understandable. Want to know the perfect way to start loving yourself?" He paused "Take a mug shot picture like I did. It shows you in really good lighting if you still look pretty in the mug shot then boom. Confidence."
I laughed almost waking Valeria . "And why exactly did you take a mugshot?"
Burk shrugged with a grin "I've done some petty things." He says causally. How I'm the hell is this man a therapist, and most importantly how can i become his patient.
"Oh have I heard." Seriously some of the stories mom would tell me were.. out there.
"Nice to know people still gossip about me. Ya know, soon this old age thing gonna catch up with me." Burk didn't look bad for 'old' age.
"Please you don't look a day over thirty." Which is true.
He grinned touching his face "Must be the new skin care I've used. Heard it makes you glow."
"Well it sure makes you glow."
We then cut it quits and said goodbye, he said he wanted to see me again before I went back to Puerto Rico we arranged a shopping trip. When I walked back to my car I saw Ansel and Jovian talking.
"Ansel do you mind holding Valeria while I go speak to some guest?" I asked him politely interrupting. Jovian shot me a weird look.
"I'm also standing right here." He made his presence known.
"I see you." I mumbled as I gave Valeria to Ansel.
"Jules we need to talk." He he trailed behind me as I kept walking.
"What's up?" I turned around to look to him. His eyes scanned me head to toe, like he needed to check me.
"How are you? How's Puerto Rico and why are you avoiding me?"
"One, I'm fine been healing and trying to be my best self, it's amazing the food and the culture real smoothing. And I'm not avoiding you. Just thought that after two months you would've let this go." I blurted before seeing the hurt on his face.
This time I really did it, I drove him away. Because he was the one to walk away this time. Not me.
"Sorry for bothering you." He mumbled before walking away. I couldn't help but feel bad about myself.
A/n
I didn't want to do tm for this chapter. So let me know if y'all want the Jules and burk shopping scene if so I'll come back and add that.
How do y'all cope with grief?
💋