The following morning, I woke with a start, feeling content and blissful, laying on my stomach with my face buried into the soft silk of the pillow.
Gran always loved silk, I guess it was her generation mostly, but with the heat wave going on right now the coldness of the silky material was cooling for my body.
Or our bodies, should I say.
I moved onto my side slightly, my eyes still blurry as a lazy smile appeared on my face.
I gazed at Harry, finding him still asleep and laying on his front too, his back completely relaxed as he breathed in and out slowly.
I stretched out quietly, cracking my back, as the silk sheet suddenly slid over my body.
The feeling of the soft, cold silk against my naked body made me tingle and suddenly remember last night.
I wasn't normally a needy lover, but last night after dinner and a shower, I managed to convince Harry to make love to me once we were in the safe confinement of my old bedroom.
Even though he was practically shitting himself because of Gran in case she walked in.
I managed to reassure him that we were good, and that Gran wouldn't dare come into my room whilst knowing that Harry was in here with me.
I also had to remind him gently that he had taken advantage of me at his parents' place and that was much worse, to which he agreed with a grin and finally made love to me for most of the night.
I was blaming my needs on my emotions because I wasn't handling what was literally going to come around the corner very well and how I was going to blurt out to Gran that I knew about Ryan and the secrets that had been unfolded in our family the past couple of weeks.
Whatever was heading my way, I knew I needed Harry to be there and to pick up the pieces, because I wasn't strong enough too- even though he was scared just as much as I was.
After Gran had gone to bed, we stayed up most of the night talking about my feelings and fears, his words of encouragement regarding Ryan and my family spurring me on as he cradled me in his arms, endlessly making love to me.
I remembered the look on his face when he relaxed the second I caved in the kitchen, asking him to stay with me in my one moment of uncertainty yesterday.
I guess in a way, Harry was the only certainty that I had in my life right now and even though we had our off moments, I trusted him completely- and I needed him if I was going to do this.
I needed him beside me.
Picking up my phone from the bedside cabinet, I felt my heart sink as I noticed I had a text from someone who I hadn't heard from in a long time.
"Are you home? I just saw your Instagram feed. Isabelle would love to see her auntie Izzy X."
I played with my lip, remembering I had posted a picture of a street with Welsh flags some time last night.
I wondered if I could even text Alex back without Harry so much as even flipping his lid, but there was still so much unfinished business where Alex and him kissing me was concerned.
I had hoped that Harry would be willing to put what had happened to bed on the night I left for London and forget about it.
Hope was putting it very vaguely though.
Closing my phone off, I placed it back down onto the bedside cabinet before turning on my side, alarmed as I saw Harry now awake beside me.
"Hey."
"Hey." He said quietly, his hand stroking his stomach; "Did you sleep okay?"
I shrugged, "Mostly. Did you?"
"Same." Harry replied, as I watched him carefully.
I felt his eyes on me as he suddenly moved closer and placed his hand on my chest, the palm rubbing along my upper half.
"It's still beating."
"What?" I asked confusingly, "I hope it still is, or I'd be worried." I smirked at him, my hand repeating his motion and flowing above his.
"I had a nightmare." Harry admitted, his eyes meeting mine; "It was terrifying. Your heart just stopped, and you weren't- you weren't breathing beside me, and I thought you were-"
I stared at him, hand stroking his cheek as his eyes became hooded.
I kissed him softly, just as he gripped my hip and moved me closer to him again.
"I'm here, Harry." I whispered, "I'm not going nowhere baby. It was just a dream."
I kissed him so softly, his lips were making mine tingle, the way his tongue gently brushed upon my upper lip and how he was holding my head to tilt me into his mouth.
I felt the cool metal of his rings against my neck, my neck arching as his mouth pressed hotly upon my skin.
He was hard already, and I closed my eyes, giving into him completely, as I wasn't able to fight it or him any longer.
I was way too weak for this man, honestly.
Time seemed to have slowed down around us and I couldn't help but groan throatily as his hands moved down my body, feeling my curves peak as we moved through the silk sheets on the bed.
I noticed Harry was clinging on a lot harder than usual, just as much as I was clinging to him emotionally, the feel of it made me feel funny inside... like I was needed, wanted forever.
We needed and wanted each other forever.
"Izzy?"
"Mmmm?"
"I love you," he whispered, "I really, really do love you." He added, his hand clenching around my hip as he entered me slowly.
I gasped at the contact, staying quiet as Harry moved within me.
There was no rushing, no hastiness, just us and the bed, making love once again.
"That must have been some dream." I whispered against his skin, my lips kissing down the ridge of his neck.
"You have no idea," Harry breathed, "Just wanna feel you... all of you, your heart beating against mine and your warmth surrounding me."
"We really need to buy condoms, Harry." I said nervously.
We really couldn't afford to be reckless and stupid.
He nodded, stilling himself; "Do you want me to stop, baby?"
"Christ, no." I murmured, "But this really is the last time... I need to get the morning after pill this morning too. I know I haven't started my period yet, but we really can't take any chances... right?"
Harry nodded, "Right. We can go into town later... right now, I just want to love you."
I was glowing, like literally and his words made me feel on fire, my eyes sparkling as a few glistening tears escaped, my emotions getting the better of me.
"Then love me," I breathed, linking my ankles together to lock him against me; "Love me, Harry." I gently whispered, my hand moving slowly across down his back before it settled just above the curve of his bum.
And that's where we stayed for most of our morning, making love to each other quietly, not having a single care in the world.
"Harry..." I whispered, and I closed my eyes, willing myself to hold it together because I had never seen him like this before and my blood was literally pulsing everywhere.
His head was firmly pressed against mine, and I could feel his breath against my skin, igniting my passion for him as he lowered his lips to my cheek and jawline.
"You're so beautiful, baby."
My hands moved from his bum to his hips, feeling the naked flesh in the palm of my hands as my entire body began to vibrate, shattering everything inside of me.
My throat burned as we caressed one another with our lips, Harry's chest hardening as my nipples brushed lightly against him, making us both lose sense of everything around us.
I groaned, feeling Harry move more vigorously as my hands tangled themselves in his hair.
We moved closer together, our eyes barely visible to each other through our lazy closed eyes.
I panted quietly, feeling his soft, tender lips move to my throat and then I stilled, arching my back as my breathing became hard and heavy.
I found the courage to open my eyes and gaze at Harry, everything moving in slow motion and in a complete blur, yet each second that ticked by felt like it was stretching into forever.
I groaned loudly, feeling his chest pressed against mine and how every breath he took expanded right into mine.
Every move he was making made it seem like he had been made just for me... like we were a perfect fit for one another.
"Can I come in you again?" He asked quietly, leaning back slightly as my fingers clawed at his arms.
I nodded, almost breathlessly.
My heart was hammering against my chest, and the small space between us was instantly closed again as Harry leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, the both of us crying out quietly into one another's shoulder blades, careful not to wake Gran.
I responded immediately to Harry wrapping himself around me, linking my legs tighter around his waist while I clasped my hands around his face, moulding my lips against his perfectly as our love making became more sensual and slow paced.
I felt his tongue move slowly against mine, the feel of his familiar warmth surrounding mine, as every single cell, muscle and God knows what else came alive inside of me.
I could feel everything, every muscle of Harry's tightening, the way my nipples brushed against his chest, the wisps of his hair hitting my face as he moved above me... and the way he felt inside of me was indescribable.
"Izzy..." He groaned, "I'm gonna come real soon..." He warned me, yet I only pulled him back down, our eyes locked on each other as he thrusted a couple of more hard, deep movements into me; "Fuck, baby that's good."
"Oh my God..." I moaned quietly, my chest stilling; "Keep goin' Harry, please..."
Suddenly, I cried out quietly into his shoulder and arched my back, forcing Harry further into me if that was even possible.
I clawed at his skin as I finally came, exploding around him and eventually sending him off to his own end, filling me up with everything that he had as he buried his head into my neck.
We were both panting insanely fucking hard, and the sweat was pouring off us both, yet we were still connected and stilled completely, our lips brushing upon one another's.
"Did that make your nightmare disappear or make you feel better at least?" I asked, pushing my hand through his curls, his face full of a glowing smile before pressing a soft kiss to my forehead; "I love you, Harry..." I whispered breathlessly, the only noise in the room being our pants.
"I love you too, Iz... should probably think about getting another shower before going down for breakfast."
"Sure thing." I whispered, the guilt of Alex texting me overriding my feelings, "But I need to tell you something first." I said nervously, "But just remember that-"
"I know that he's text you." Harry interrupted me; "I know Alex has text you, Iz."
I frowned.
How in the hell did he know?
"Oh." I said, "How did-"
"I text him first. Telling him we were coming down and that it would be nice to see him." Harry said quietly, his chest heaving as he tried to control his breathing; "I got his number from your phone the other day. Needless to say, he thought it was a trap and that I wanted to kick his head in, but I reassured him that I didn't. I know you miss him and the baby." Harry added, his eyes now lingering my way; "So I told him we were coming down, that I understood he made a mistake with you... I just figured that with what you were about to do with your Gran and Ryan, and I wasn't staying at the time, you would have needed as much support as possible."
"You did that? For me?" I asked, utterly bewildered that he would do such a thing when I knew how much the kiss had pissed him off- even though I had technically done nothing wrong.
"Izzy, I've told you. I'd do anything for you..." He blinked slowly, "I've had some time to think about it all and I know in my heart that nothing was meant in the kiss. He was lonely, depressed, sad and grieving for his wife... and you were there, it was simply a case of you being in the wrong place at the wrong time."
I stared at him, unable to believe that this incredible creature beside me, in all his naked vulnerable glory, was mine.
"I love you so much Harry Edward Styles."
"We're on a full name basis now?" he smirked at me, grasping me as I reached over and kissed him; "I love making you happy. It's addictive."
"You make me happy, always. And yes, the full name basis was necessary."
"Okay then, Isabelle Marie Thomas." he sarcastically replied, a chuckle escaping from his throat as his hand found it's way to mine; "One of these days, I won't be callin' you that."
"Yeah, yeah." I snickered.
"I'm serious. One day I'll be callin' you Styles... Isabelle Styles." he replied, smiling at me softly; "Waking up beside you every morning with you as my wife... I'd be one lucky guy."
"You shouldn't say stuff like that unless you mean it," I whispered nervously, smiling to myself before looking up at him.
"Who says I don't mean it?" Harry replied, his voice low and laced with sleep; "I mean it. I think Izzy Styles sounds better though. Isabelle's too formal."
"And you only call me that when you're pissed at me anyway," I smiled, hugging him closer; "Izzy Styles... sounds good."
"Like, at meetings and stuff... I can say, 'this is my wife, Izzy Styles'."
"We have to stop this conversation and get ready for breakfast, before Gran kills us."
"Or before you get too giddy." Harry said, watching me with thoughtful, knowing eyes before a small smirk appeared on his face; "I will marry you one day, Izzy."
"Not until you ask for permission from Gran first, remember."
"Who says I haven't since I've been here?" Harry replied, a nervous but growing smile on his face.
Had he really?
Or was he fucking me around?
"Time for breakfast!" I squeaked, swallowing the saliva that I had collected at the top of my mouth, gathering what clothes I could put together from the floor so I could get out of bed quickly.
Harry laughed to himself, knowing I was completely freaking out inside, his smile teasing from behind those gorgeous green eyes.
"Get up, before I drag you out!" I chastised, my voice betraying the emotion I was trying to hide- which was the thought of tying that final knot with Harry and becoming his wife like he said he'd make me.
"So sexy when you're bossin' me about." he murmured, "But if that's what you want, I'm up, I'm up, I'm up."
"I hope you're not referring to what I think you're referring too." I said amusingly, catching his eye as he pulled on his boxers from the night before, brushing his shaggy, ragged hair backwards straight after.
"Might be." Harry teased, "Is it alright if I shower first?"
I nodded, literally about to lose all composure thinking of him in the shower all wet and...
Fucking pull it together for fuck sake, woman.
"Sure, the bathroom is down the hall, you know where everything is-"
"You're not coming?" he asked slowly, and I arched my eyebrow at him.
"Do you have a death wish?" I asked, indicating my point towards Gran.
"Point taken." Harry smirked, "See you in a bit?"
I smiled warmly at him, feeling the goose bumps ride over my body.
"See you in a bit, Styles."
***
Wales was a funny place for weather, honestly.
Seeing as we were heading towards the end of September and going into early October, the season should have been going into Autumn, yet here we were still celebrating our late blooming Summer as always.
I'd had a busy day of it already, helping Harry finish up the garden for Gran, before taking her food shopping (I still maintain it was because she wanted to ride in Harry's car) which made a cringe car journey because of what had happened in here just twenty four hours ago.
So I made sure to sit in the back, while offering Gran the front on that one.
After the food shopping had been completed, I made a quick dash to the clinic while Gran was distracted with Harry and picked up the morning after pill, along with some condoms.
Better now than never, right?
I was nervous about using these, but it was something that we had both discussed and decided on together because of our thoughts and feelings on the matter.
Yesterday, last night and this morning was a one off exception.
We then headed off back home, Harry helping with the shopping and putting the groceries away (in the wrong cupboards, might I add, which earned him a clip around the ear from Gran) while my phone did not stop ringing- and neither did Harry's.
Noticing that Phoebe was now calling me, I figured it was probably her calling regarding the hen party I literally went ahead and booked... and didn't really speak to her about before I left to come home.
Indicating to Harry on the side that I needed to take this, he simply nodded and I quickly left the room, answering the phone- with Phoebe's shrieking voice soon following and deafening my ear drum.
"What the fuck?!" I hissed at her, "Jesus Christ-"
"You're ENGAGED?!" She screamed at me, "What the fuck Isabelle, how can you be engaged and not even tell your best friend about this-"
"Whoa, what?"
"Don't play dumb with me, you've been busted! Harry proposed to you, seriously? When? How? What? How did he do it, and why the fuck didn't you tell me and Liam about this-"
I was literally staring into space.
"Phoebs, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about seriously."
"Don't, Iz, just don't." she huffed dramatically, "It's all over the press, haven't you seen it?"
The press?
Seriously?
I scratched my head, "And don't you think you know me better enough to actually tell you something important enough as an engagement before splashing the news worldwide for everybody to see?"
"Fair point, but you're wearing a fucking ring and it's a ring I've never seen you wear before, so where the hell did that come from huh?!"
I sighed, closing my eyes as I pinched the corners dramatically.
Now it all made sense.
Slaters.
The people taking pictures.
They were leaked... and people or 'reporters' should I say, mistook my ring of Oscar's as an engagement ring- seeing as I was wearing it on my wedding finger.
I didn't even think anything of it, I just put it on that one and wore it because I felt like it- and now I had caused an absolute shit storm and there was absolutely no need for it.
"Iz? You there?"
Shit.
I had to think fast.
"Harry got it for me, but it's not an engagement ring." I clarified, clearly.
I still wasn't ready to tell her about Oscar, not yet.
"He just randomly got you a ring and it's not an engagement ring?" she asked, a tone of sarcasm dripping from her voice.
"Yup."
"And you expect me to believe that, do you?"
"It's all I've got, sorry."
The silence between us was deafening, and I knew the second she realised I wasn't backing down, she would know I was telling the truth.
Kind of.
"Arghhhhhhhhhhh, so you're seriously not engaged?"
"Absolutely, categorically, seriously and definitely not engaged to Harry." I confirmed, "Sorry to disappoint." I grinned wickedly, remembering my conversation with Harry in bed this morning.
Izzy Styles did have a rather nice ring to it, didn't it?
"You've absolutely turned my great day into a shit day." she muttered, "Unbelievable. So, where the hell are you anyway? I got your email, have you seriously booked Marbella for my hen party?"
"Yup," I grinned excitedly, knowing the coast was clear with her; "Is that okay?"
"Is that okay? Iz, that's fucking amazing! I'm just a bit flummoxed that you booked it all without discussing it with everyone first, I mean.... Marbella, whoa. Did Harry pay for it?"
"What? No! I had been researching excessively and the deal was there, so I thought why not? I did it on my credit card, so it's all paid for and done. We go next year, in July. It'll be boiling; and that should give you enough time to recover for the wedding in August."
"I can't believe you've done this," she whispered, "I love you so much, thank you."
"Don't thank me just yet, thank me when it's all over and I'm about to murder someone because I'm so stressed."
"You know I'll be going through the same thing when it's your turn anyway." She replied, "Sometimes this millennia preferably. Do you think he will?"
"What?"
"Harry? Do you think he'll propose one day?" she asked me, "He should do, he's so sickeningly in love with you it's enough to make me wanna barf. Or, you could propose to him in the next leap year- oh my God, imagine that, you asking him to marry you-"
"Never gonna happen, I'm far too traditional for that and you have way too much wedding shit on your brain." I remarked, "Not for the time being, will Harry and I be getting engaged... and when we are, unless you're there when it happens, you'll be the first to know. Promise."
"Good. And Callum misses his auntie Izzy, y'know."
My heart literally sank.
"I know, I miss him too. I miss you both." I whispered guiltily, remembering how Harry and I had left Phoebe and Liam's last time.
"Where are you anyway? I tried calling the house numerous times and nobody answered-"
"We're at my Gran's," I explained nonchalantly; "We're staying down here for a few days. I haven't been home in ages, so Harry brought me down after he had his suit fitting in Slaters yesterday- that's where the pictures came from."
"Which is why everyone probably jumped on the whole engagement thing because you were in a suit store."
"Exactly." I murmured.
"Everything okay though, yeah?" She asked me carefully, "No... sudden decision why you've gone down there?"
It wasn't the right time to tell her about Ryan, and I knew if I told her over the phone I would never get off the damn thing.
"We're just visiting," I said finally, "Seeing Gran, I'm gonna catch up with Alex and Isabelle soon, and I'm going to see Molly as well. Then we'll be going home."
"You're not taking Harry to see your parents?" She asked, catching me off guard; "I mean, I know it's a little different... but I think they'll appreciate the gesture, and so will Harry."
"Yeah... I'll be seeing them too. Not sure about taking Harry there yet."
"Why not?"
"Not really sure..." I winced, "Just don't feel ready sharing that part of me with him yet. I will do though, one day. Just not yet."
"Shit, Callum's crying- Iz, I'm gonna have to cut this call short and go, can I call you later?"
"Course, I'll speak to you then."
"Okay, love you. We both love you. Enjoy your time with your Gran, okay?"
If only.
"Yeah, thanks. I will. Love you both too, sending lots of cuddles and kisses to my favourite nephew."
"He's sending lots of drool, milky kisses and hand slaps back." she giggled, "Bye, Iz. I'll see you when you get back, yeah?"
"Yeah." I responded slowly, "Bye Phoebs," I added, terminating the phone call quickly before I took a deep breath and relaxed against the wall.
My breath was caught in my chest, as I gently trailed my tongue across my lips, barely touching, but just enough to lick the dryness away.
Pulling myself together, I willed myself mentally and emotionally, knowing I had to walk back into a room where Harry and Gran were.
However, I remembered I hadn't taken my pill yet and flew towards Harry's bag where the tablet (and the condoms) were kept, because Gran wouldn't think twice about searching through his bag for any discriminating evidence.
Taking the small package out, I paused as I noticed his writing book was also in the bag.
I couldn't help but stare at it, it was a tatty old thing and seemed to have taken a bit of a beating over the years, but I knew Harry seemed to carry it around with him wherever he went.
Curiosity was seriously getting the better of me, since I hadn't so much as looked at it since the last time.
But I knew if Harry wanted to share something with me, he would when he was ready.
So I zipped the bag back up and headed towards the bathroom to take the morning after pill.
It took me less than approximately 60 seconds before I ran back to the bag and unzipped it, grabbing out the brown leather book that Harry had drawn stars on and even a message that I couldn't decipher because his writing was bloody awful at the best of times.
This, was one of those times.
I felt really bad, like truly awfully bad, but I just couldn't help myself.
Harry's brain was magnificent at the best of times, his mind was something that had me thinking about (and hell, attracted me too) so I knew that this little book would hold the deepest, darkest corners of his mind- and probably give me something that I wasn't supposed to see just yet.
The pages were endlessly filled with scribbles and drawings, most of them lyrics I recognised.
Some were stories and little descriptions of what he had seen or heard while on tour, and then there were telephone numbers of the most important people in his life- his mum, his dad, Robin and Jo, Gemma, the boys and me.
I touched the page, my fingertips grazing across the dry ink that my number and name was sprawled in, along with the others.
I smiled knowingly to myself, finding some sort of comfort that I was apart of this thing that Harry held so close to his heart and that I was one of the most important people in his life.
I knew that I was deep down, but it was still nice to see it in writing... and in Harry's.
Flicking yet through more pages, I found more short stories, memories and God knows what else I could decipher, when I caught a name scribbled in his messy handwriting on a particular page.
I inspected a little closer, eyes narrowing as the words 'Oscar's Song' came into light, and on the other page, a sketch of our beloved boy.
I didn't know he could sketch.
And there was no denying it, but the word's 'Oscar's Song' came glaring back at me.
All at once, I felt my heart race, then slow down.
My palms were sweating and my entire body shook with nerves and fear, as my eyes focused on what Harry had done to channel his pain and anguish over the loss of our son, and how he was dealing with it.
I don't know why I was so surprised by it, I should have known deep down that he would have done something like this.
I mean he was a musician and it was in his blood to write his feelings down... but I never expected this, I never expected him to write a song about Oscar.
I felt bad, for seeing it like this, but I still couldn't tear my eyes or hands away from the book.
The space between us disappeared as I brought the book closer to my eye level, almost crushing it towards my body as the small crevice of my nails dug into the leather underlay.
Fire was coursing through me erratically, my back hitting the hard wall behind me as I brought my knees up, settling myself as I began to read the lyrics of what could be a future song... or songs, in Harry's case.
I blinked, repeatedly, the tears falling down my face as Harry's words came to life inside of my head.
It was then that I felt every single ounce of emotion and frustration from him regarding the miscarriage and how he had put himself second and me first.
We don't talk enough, we should open up... before it's all too much, will we ever learn?
We've been here before, it's just what we know...
Stop your crying baby, it's the sign of the times...
I realised instantly that I was physically shaking.
When two people really love one another, they always put the other first and themselves second, and no matter how hard the turbulent times were, they would always make it work.
That was Harry and I to a tee.
Neither of us had experienced this sort of love before, it was so strong and this was all the proof that I needed of that.
I wanted to be the last person his hand would hold, the last person he saw at night, the last person he kissed, the last person he thought of and the last person who made him happy, smile and even cry, if needs be.
I recognised the lyrics at the bottom of the page from the Celine Dion song, called It's Hard To Say Goodbye.
He had signed it off at the corner of the page, and when I realised it was sort of a hidden message for me, but not for my eyes so to speak, it made me love him even more- if that was even remotely possible.
"When love becomes a broken heart and dreams begin to die, believe me when I say, we'll work it out some day."
"Iz?" Harry called out, forcing me to shut the book in a complete frenzy; "Izzy, where are you?!"
Shit.