Xavier
My life for the past two months has been a blur. Like a punishment from hell, I've been cast out and torn apart by my regret, my heart, my love. Days are chaotic with sponsorship endorsements, photoshoots for magazines, uniform fittings, and car test drives and nights are torturous. Bloo sleeps on my bed, but as days go by, I can see him withdrawing.
He misses her.
Guess that's two of us.
I thought our little break was crippling but that has no shit on what we are now.
There's no doubt in my head that we've officially broken up.
Gold star for you fucker for letting go of the only girl who'd tolerate your ass.
I let her go that day. I let her walk out that door, catch a cab alone and go back to Lake Bellevue without me.
I didn't have even the littlest courtesy of taking her home.
Fucking kill me.
What she said to me hurt real fucking bad. I could handle anyone else saying that to me because I simply gave zero fucks but she said those words. Her, the girl I'm utterly in love with, said it.
A promise that she won't ever break? She fucking broke her promise.
I get it. She wanted to protect her precious little heart from the big bad wolf. Ever since she found out about the bet, she's been cautious of me and I can't even fucking fault her. I gave her a reason to. I broke her trust by lying to her.
She has every right to be mad. To hurt me. To want to be apart from me.
But what started off as a lie turned into a real fucking, deep, consuming love. That's what she doesn't understand. And I don't fucking blame her.
Our love did start off as a lie. I had no interest in her but fuck me if she didn't pull me into her world, into her heart, into her soul, and wrap a noose around me.
Everything I did, everything I said was real. I meant every single fucking word I said to her when I realized that she was the one I wanted to wake up next to every morning for the rest of my life.
I called off the bet because I lost pathetically.
Lia made me fall in love with her.
And now, I can't fucking think straight, breathe without aching or sleep without dreaming of her.
She's ruined me.
She's fucked me up.
And I'd gladly let her do it again in every single lifetime.
When my love for her is as deep as the ocean, as endless as the universe, I stand no chance of surviving the pain I'm drowning in right now.
Not without her.
Regret is heavy on my chest. It comes to me disguised as nightmares. It mocks me. It makes me realize how fucking cruelly I hurt her.
I threw her darkest moment—the one moment in her life where she decided she didn't want to live anymore—in her face like it was a fucking game.
I'm the scum of the earth.
I cannot fucking believe the words that I said to her.
Those disgusting, horrific, unforgiving words.
What she must have felt hearing me, the man she loves, the man she gave her everything to, say those hateful, ugly words, I don't want to know.
I know I broke her heart.
Again.
Why can't I stop breaking her heart? I love her so fucking much. She's my fucking breath.
I'm fucked up.
She's right. I have a black heart. I can't ever be loved because I'm fucked up.
I don't know how to love. I don't know how I love her. All I know is if I don't look into her eyes, I suffocate. She's a need. She makes my world brighter. I'm not drowning in darkness when she's by my side. Her adorable babbling, sweet smiles, and warm hugs are my salvation.
But I keep damning myself to hell every time I choose to hurt her.
Like her, I said those awful words because I wanted her to know how much she hurt me by shoving my fucking past in my face. I'm not a good man and she knows this.
If she wanted to protect her heart hurt by hurting me, I wanted to hurt her for hurting me.
It's fucking childish of us for going at each other's throats like we did but the place we were in was vulnerable. Instead of solving our already walking-on-thin-ice relationship, we decided to shatter that shit.
We hurt ourselves immensely by hurting each other.
Hearing her not say those three little words back to me felt like thorned roses being dragged across my heart. I got scared. It was a moment of weakness for me. So I had to ask her. I don't even understand why she fucking started that stupid fight in the first place. But I guess, she was in a vulnerable place with her feelings and being with me—the man who lied to her—she wanted to protect herself.
The agony I drowned in when she left me that day was enough for me to drive off of a fucking cliff. It was enough for me to break my promise to her and down bottle after bottle of alcohol.
As if my words weren't enough to bleed her heart out, I decided to be like the man I hate most in the fucking world.
I touched her.
Without her consent.
I don't know what the fuck happened to me. One second I was seeing her warm eyes glaring at me and the next everything went black. It was as if something possessed me.
I threw up the moment I was alone. Touching her like that twisted up my stomach. The look in her eyes alone made me want to cut my hands off and beg for her forgiveness on my knees.
I will be begging on my knees for her.
I don't fucking care.
Fuck my ego. Fuck my pride.
I will do anything to get that girl back.
The only reason I've stepped back and pretended on ignoring her is for her to heal. I care about her. Even if we're apart, even if we're far, far away from one another, I will always care for her.
I care about her mental health and fuck me, that day when I said those words, and when she left, I got a horrifying feeling in my chest. I thought she might go do exactly what I told her to do.
But one text from Zack and I was breathing again. I asked him about her and he said she was good. Sad but good.
Ignoring her is pointless but who the fuck am I kidding? I can't ignore the girl even if I wanted to. She's everywhere. In my heart, in my mind. All I see is her. I can't escape her. Not that I'd ever want to. I always find myself watching her in class when she's concentrating on her work or around campus when she's with Nolee and Blair. And when she catches me staring, an intense warmth simmers between us.
The love is still there and that gives me hope.
But I see the hate in her eyes yet it's not only for me.
It's for herself too.
And I'll die trying if it means having to show her how lovable she is, how worthy she is.
She's not worthless.
She's not boring.
She's the muse for a love poem. She's the reason why the stars twinkle.
She's the fucking reason why my heart is not black anymore.
Fuck her if she thinks I'd ever touch Krystal, let alone another woman who's not her. I lied. Just the thought of being inside a woman whose heart doesn't thunder when she's saying those three little words, whose eyes don't glitter when she's coming, whose kisses aren't like buttery cream and forever promises, sickens me.
Yet if she wants to be with another man...I...I can't stop her. It's her choice. It's her body. She can let any other man touch her—
Nah. Fuck. That.
Any fucker who even breathes in her direction, I'll be running them over with my car. With a smile on my face.
And that includes that ugly motherfucker who sniffs around her.
Since Lia started her internship—I knew about it before we broke up—I've been making sure she's been getting home safely. I don't care if I look like a stalker but when it comes to her safety, I'm not taking any risks.
Like now, she's sat a few seats ahead of me, headphones on and reading on her kindle with a calmness on her gorgeous face. Don't know how she does that, I've tried it and it's distracting as fuck. She's completely in her own little world.
From the snippets that I hear from Nolee and Blair whenever they're hanging out with Zack and Hudson, Lia is loving her internship. I'm so happy for her. I'm so proud of her.
I bet she's acing her work.
I bet she's making friends.
But she better not make friends with that smug little fucker who walks out with her almost every fucking day. They smile at each other, laugh with each other, look through his stupid camera sometimes and he even had the audacity to touch her hair.
God, I just want to grab him by his throat, slam him against a wall and chew him out.
Fucks he thinking going after a girl who's in love with another man? She's been claimed, marked, ruined by me. Any fucker who touches her body will see my mark on her. And I don't fucking mean psychical. I've marked her soul.
She belongs to me and no one fucking else.
And I'm going to do everything I have in me to get her back.