blue
i apologized to claudia for telling her about me before anyone else and expecting her to keep that secret. that was wrong, i shouldn't have done that. she already has enough on her plate. she said that there was nothing to apologize for but i still felt the need to.
it's only been a day since i told billie, she called maggie and canceled everything she had planned and told her she was going on a break again. if i spoke up we would have gotten into a fight so i just let it happen. she cried alone in the bathroom, i didn't go in, she needed space.
we didn't talk about it, she's been silent all day. she followed me around where ever i went in the apartment but she didn't speak a word to me. this is the time where i would really appreciate it if i had the ability to read minds. i want to know exactly what she's thinking to do everything in my power to make her not feel whatever she's feeling right now.
have you ever wanted to cry but no tears came out, so all you do is stare into nowhere. feeling your heart break into pieces? that's what i think billie is feeling right now.
right now i don't really care about me losing my life, all i care about is billie. i want her to be okay when i'm not here. i want her to be happy, i even want her to fall in love again, live in her dream house and have the children that she always wanted. i want her to win a grammy and many awards till eventually she runs out of space for them and has to open her own museum.
i want the whole world to know who the fuck is billie eilish. i want the world to be jealous of her, but love her at the same time, i want her to be have the whole world wrapped around her little finger. she deserves the world.
maybe i want her to forget all about me only because it'll hurt her less, not having to think of her dead girlfriend every second of everyday. it'll make things easier for her, easier to find love again, to make music, to be happy, easier to get through the day. she doesn't have to remember me if that'll be for the best.
i started writing some goodbyes on random pieces of paper, i only started most of them and couldn't get myself to finish writing any of them. how lucky am i to have the chance to say goodbye to the people i love right? but how do you say goodbye when the story isn't finished? i feel like it just began.
i thought the universe was finally on my side. but then it had to fuck me over. honestly, fuck the world.
-
"can you please talk? say anything?" i bit my lip as i covered myself with my blanket. i reached out and held stuffy in my chest.
"i don't know what to say." she said. "you shouldn't have went through the treatment because of me. i was stupid, you weren't selfish, i was the being selfish. i should have respected your decision and supported you through it. i was just so scared of losing you that i wanted you to fight and do whatever it takes to survive, and that wasn't okay. i'm so sorry, this is my fault. you wanted to be you when you left." her voice cracked at the end.
"no, stop it. you're right, you should have respected my decision but i'm glad you didn't. there are some things that you did that were wrong, but we're human, we make mistakes, we learn and you've never been in a situation where your girlfriend was very sick or even a loved one. i'm glad i went through the treatment because now i'll go when i know that i did everything i could to fight to stay with you, i'll know that i didn't coward away because i was scared of losing my hair and feeling nauseous all the time." i scooted closer to her and made her look into my eyes.
"i regret leaving you so fucking much. we could have had way more memories if i wasn't a bitch to you, i totally disregarded your feelings and only thought of myself. and i regret not telling you i love you sooner and i regret not telling you i like you sooner, not kissing you sooner, not going to dates nearly as enough as we should've. i regret a lot of things when it comes to you, when it comes to us." tears were streaming down her face once again.
"i regret not telling you i love you sooner is a big one for me. but you know what? we are here right now and we're together. yes, my clock is ticking but i'm here and we're together and we will be till death do is part."
"i guess we're the prime example of till death do is part huh?" she chuckled.
"i'll be yours forever even when i'm gone." i kissed her forehead. "i love you so much."
"i love more than you'll ever know." she squeezed my arms. "this sucks ass."
"it does." i cried and laughed at the same time.
"who knows about this?"
"just you and claudia, i kind of slipped it to her when it was my birthday. i think that's why finneas thinks she's been acting off." i hesitated on saying claudia's name but i had to.
"you've know for that long?" she frowned.
"yeah i didn't want to tell you before your birthday or on mine, i kind of wanted to protect you from the truth." i answered. "i wasn't planning on telling claudia first it just happened and i blurt it out, i couldn't keep it to myself anymore."
"it's okay, you don't have to explain yourself. i'm not mad, i'm so sorry you felt like you had to keep the truth from everyone to protect them. you shouldn't feel the need to do that."
"it's just you who i wanted to protect, i didn't tell anyone else because i wanted you to hear it from me first." i shook my head.
-
are we christmas shopping a week before christmas? yes, yes we are. i already have my secret santa gift and billie's gift ready, we just don't have any decorations in the apartment, we don't even have a tree!
luckily we weren't celebrating christmas over at ours, we were doing it on christmas eve at fin and claud's house. so we don't have to worry much about making everything look nice, all we have to do is make it feel more christmasy.
my family, billie's family and claudia's are going to be there. we'll be exchanging gifts, singing on the piano and overall having a good time. then everyone will go on their separate ways and celebrate christmas in their own home. i liked that plan.
"we should get this cute christmas door wreath to put on the outside of our apartment! it matches our christmas tree that we bought!" billie pointed at a green and white with a little red detailing wreath hanging in the aisle, it was the last one left.
"it was meant to be, it's the last one." i went over, grabbed it and put it in our trolly. "i love how excited you are for christmas."
"it's my favorite holiday and my favorite time of the year, of course to would be excited." she said in a duh tone.
"mhm i've noticed that." i smiled. "we should bake some sugar cookies." i gaped when i saw the christmas cookie cutters.
"i'm gonna go pick out the cutters you look for the ingredients on the internet or if there's a premade dough." billie said then ran to the cutters and started looking through all the possible options.
"oh my god! you're billie eilish!" a girl with what seemed to look like her best friend aproched billie. my eyes widened and i quickly relocated to another aisle but i could still hear what they're saying.
"hi!" billie hugged them, and they started talking a little.
"happy late birthday! and early merry christmas." the first girl said. "how was your day?" the second one asked.
"oh today has been a good day, i'm last minute christmas decor shopping." billie laughed at herself. "how are you guys?"
"that's so funny we're doing the same thing!" the second girl said. "we're roommates and we're celebrating together this year." the first one explained.
"that so cool." billie replied.
"it is! how's blue? can you tell her that we absolutely love her style and that we say hi?" i couldn't tell which one of them said that.
"she's good! i can absolutely tell her that and she probably says hi back." billie said.
"uh... can we please have a picture? it's totally fine if you don't want to though." the second girl said.
"yes of course." billie replied and it was silent for a couple of seconds before a girl thanked her, both of them told her they love her and went on with thier day.
i started making my way back to billie, "i couldn't find any pre made doughs but i found an easy looking recipe." i pointed my phone towards her.
"let's go get the ingredients then." she took the cart from my hands and started speed walking to the dairy section. i smiled as i walked behind her, shaking my head, because it's actually ridiculous how cute she is.
"oh shit!" she stoped and made a complete u-turn to come back to me. "hop in."
"what?" i said and laughed at the same time.
"you heard me, hop in!" she repeated.
"i don't want to fall!" i reasoned as i calculated how i wanted to exactly hop in. "i got this." i said before billie could even respond to me the first time.
i gripped the edge of the cart so tight and i let my arms hold all the weight as i climbed in, meanwhile billie was stabilizing the cart for me. i stood crouched down in the cart and from there i sat crisscrossed. "let's go!"
it's honestly kind of painful to be in here but at least i don't have to walk. with no further warnings billie launched the cart so fast, i seriously think my life flashed before my eyes. "fuck fuck fuck!" billie cursed while trying to stop the wheels from moving and hitting an aisle.
"you two! what do you think you're doing?" an employee approached us. "you're not allowed to be in there, get out." she pointed at me.
"i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to bump into the aisle and i promise i don't mean to make any mess in the store. i'm just here for some last minute christmas shopping." billie apologized and explained.
"she still has to get out though." he looked over to me.
"i'm so sorry i didn't know this wasn't allowed. it's just that i was starting to get nauseous because of the chemo and i decided i should probably sit but we still had some shopping to do so we compromised." i widened my eyes and acted very sorry.
"oh my!" his eyes widened when he realized. "you can stay in there... just- just be safe." he said then quickly walked away.
both billie and i looked at each other with a blank stare and burst into some loud fucking laughs that were actually physically painful. my stomach hurt so bad, but i just couldn't stop laughing.
can we freeze this moment?