I spent my whole day jotting down notes from classes I barely listen to. These lessons at least take my mind off of things I'd rather not think about.
For one, I don't believe in any god but I'm thanking the man upstairs for not letting Chloe and Kristy be together.
Two, What Kristy said about Chloe seeing something in me.
What did she mean by that? Did Chloe say something? What happened to their date?
Did they talk about me?
The grip on my pen hardened, my left leg bounced, and I couldn't write. This continued until school ended.
Tori and I got in her car, my mind still wondering about the things I've done and what they could've said behind my back.
"-li?"
"Eli?" Tori's voice caught my attention.
"Sorry- what?"
"I was asking if I could maybe borrow your notebooks again?" She pulled over the house and I surprised myself because I zoned out that long. "I trailed off and just listened to my teacher."
"Can't you ask Kristy?" I raised my eyebrow, "Or maybe can you bother someone e-" I closed my mouth shut.
Maybe I am like my dad.
"Ah. yeah. I'm sorry." She gave me a thin-lipped smile and nodded slowly before taking a deep breath.
"I'm getting my motorcycle fueled." I clenched my jaw, stopping myself from saying anything more.
I went upstairs and grabbed my keys, passing by Tori's moms who were sitting on the couch together, watching TV.
Last time I've seen a couple do that was when I was 6, my dad, mom, and I watching my favorite show together, a bowl full of popcorn on the center table.
I hopped on my motorcycle, tears somewhat making my vision blurry.
Still two and a half line, I thought. That would be enough to get me to the gas station.
Making sure my tears were wiped away, I put on my helmet and turned on my engine.
At 50mph, good five to eight minutes took me to get to the station. I pulled out the gasoline pump and slid the nozzle to my tank. I held my breath while fuel poured out and pretended I'm inhaling the smell of chemicals.
I paid for full tank, thankfully I still had a few dollars left on my pocket. I've been saving the money they give me every day.
That also reminded me to get a job fast.
Would the guy at the coffee shop still accept me after I basically ghosted him?
I looked around the place for a hiring poster and found nothing. I walked to the food isle and grabbed a couple of snacks, opened a freezer full of drinks, pulled out a coke bottle, paid, and left.
Going back to Tori's didn't feel right. Sitting down and eating together at the dinner table isn't right. What, I'm just going to pretend I'm okay with this whole situation?
I mounted my motorcycle at the empty park. The sun's starting to hide behind the clouds, giving those soft covers an orange glow mixed with pinks and yellows. I should look up more.
I haven't been here for a long while. After school I would always come home and clean the house, cook dinner, study, and wait for dad. I wonder if he's eating well.
Walking past the stone chairs, I scanned the park to look for a comfortable spot to sit.
If I remember clearly, the playground would just be...
Going past through the lined-up trees, the streetlights guided me to the place I wanted to be.
"Right here." I mumbled to myself and smiled at the scene.
Monkey bars, slides, swings, and a medium patch of sand sat peacefully at their own spots.
The sky started to get darker, and the cold wind brushed against my skin, giving me slight goosebumps. I sat on one of the swings, instantly feeling the cold metal seat. The paper bag rested on my lap and I grasped the chains holding it together.
For a few minutes, I sat in silence.
Just the sounds of bird chirping, probably calling the other birds back to their home, and the wind's calm whistles engulfing my senses.
This is nice. I thought to myself.
I pulled out the can of coke, from the paper bag and opened it. The sizzling sound made my mouth water.
"Ah." I breathed out in satisfaction after I drank the cold liquid.
My foot pushed on the ground slightly, making the swing move back and forth weakly.
I don't know what to do after being like that to Tori. Does she deserve the way that I acted? I am still hurt over what they all did... but she's still my best friend.
I remember Chloe telling me that Kristy was right about me. I know that she was painting me as a bad person.
But what if she was right? What if I'm just like my dad, who were strict about things, judgmental, and so... closed off.
Maybe Elise? I don't know much about her, and I don't know if I want to. She left me when I was a kid, never even said goodbye or never visited when we're in the same city.
Someone that leaves.
I left my dad when was abusive, I think that's reasonable enough.
I left when Chloe and I argued- was that reasonable too?
She's angry with me because I was being like dad, rude and homophobic so maybe I'm like him.
But I don't think I am fully like that now.
Does that change anything? I still feel weird seeing people of the same genders kiss. But now thinking about kissing Marco makes me feel gross.
I mean it is weird to see both girls kiss, it's uncomfortable, I don't like it.
I kind of want to know what that feels.
I sighed loudly, I have quizzes coming up in a few days and I haven't studied. All I did was write down notes, the lessons just going in my left ear and going out to the right, retaining nothing but empty thoughts.
It's getting late. I thought, I should go back.
Finishing the coke, I stuffed it back the paper bag and walked to my motorcycle.