This is short:) soz
Rowan's POV.
I knew why I offered to take the shift at the shop today. I knew I came here and helped mum mainly because there was a chance Lottie would come in for her plants.
We haven't spoken. Since the early hours last night. We didn't hug goodbye. She literally just squeezed my hand and got out of the car. I think it was so we didn't have to say goodbye, or it might have been because she knew it probably wasn't a goodbye.
I have made such a mess of this and I hate it because although part of me understands that I shouldn't be with her right now, a larger part of me knows that I want to be. I want to just go back to normal. I want to go back to us.
I also know that I do not have any right to ask for that. Not when she is leaving and not when I promised her that we wouldn't be messy if we ever broke up.
Which is all that we have been since I broke up with her.
No, I correct myself. All I have been.
But I do want that. I do want her back. Which is a stressful thought because part of me knows that if I asked, we'd probably be ok. If I proved to her that I wanted her and that I made a mistake breaking up with her, she'd probably let me back in.
But again, I don't think I want that for her.
I don't want me for her, does that make sense? I want her. I want her touch and her heart and I want to be able to hold her. But I don't want her to have to love me.
Not when I have seen the stress of loving me so clearly etched on her features.
So when the text comes through my phone, the one where Lottie texts me and says something charming and utterly nonchalant about if she can pick up her plants, I am not surprised that she's breaking the no-contact rule. Not surprised because I've had to literally put my phone away from me eight times today to not text her.
But I do not reply.
Which is definitely asshole behaviour. Like the rest of my behaviour. But I don't reply because I know that if she comes here and we're the only ones here there is no way I can keep it back.
Last night I fucking cried because she was telling me how much she loves me, how much she understands me, how much she tried... I know that as soon as she comes into my presence all the walls and all the rationalising of why we can't just seem to fall away from me.
I forget why we can't. Why I shouldn't. Can you blame me?
I am new to feeling so deeply about someone.
So when she walks into the shop an hour after I read her text and ignored it, I wince. I mainly wince because of the hurt on her face when she sees I am here.
I guess she was expecting my mum.
"Where is Monica?" She says, her tone sharp.
I shrug. "At home. Or getting shopping. Or out with my dad for coffee."
Her eyes spark with curiosity but then she shakes it away and they go hard. I watch as her coldness grows and mine softens. As it always does in her presence.
"Hello Lottie." I say easily. "I assume you are here for your-"
"Why didn't you reply?" She snaps, utterly interrupting me.
"I was busy."
She mockingly looks around. "So many customers."
"We agreed no contact." I say simply.
"You are a cold ass person Rowan."
My eyebrows lift, shock and slight panic settling in when she turns around to leave and I scramble up and dart around, my body slow still but my good arm catching her.
She pulls away from me harshly. "No."
I lift my arms in surrender, my head ducking to see her. "I didn't reply because I didn't want to make this worse."
"Not replying made it worse."
"I mean the messiness between us right now."
"I know what you meant." She snaps.
I can't help but let a small smile through. She watches it. Angrily. She looked nice. Her hair was down, straightish, like she just washed and dried it... Her freckles deeper in colour than ever.
"I would have replied to you eventually." I say, my arms lowering. "I was just trying to see how long I could resist."
"I want my plants." She mutters.
"I know you do."
Lottie searches my face, and she huffs, moving past me and through the shop, heading straight into the back.
I follow her with my eyes, the way her little t-shirt doesn't quite reach the top of her shorts and I turn my face away from the little slither of skin that is showing on her back.
Damn it.
I turn the open sigh around on the shop, locking the door so no one can come in and I follow her through to the other room. I cannot deal with any other customers for the moment whilst she's here. Plus, my mum said I can close early if business is slow.
It's been slow.
I promise.
I find her in the far corner of the workshop, the sun flooding through the windowpanes and highlighting the different shades of green, casting shadows of light across her. "Lottie, your plants are over here." I say.
She ignores me and continues to look at the other plants, the big ones, the ones I am trying to get around to repotting for mum because they too heavy for her.
But well I can't really lift much at the moment anyway.
I walk slowly down the aisle towards her. "What are you looking at?"
"Nothing." She mumbles and turns around. Her arms again crossed defensively. "I am still upset with you."
"Why?"
"Because you ignored me."
"I was trying to respect the fact we agreed to-"
"We agreed to start tomorrow."
I smile at her, I know. I know that was one of our excuses.
"Alright, I am sorry. But I am at work."
She rolls her eyes. "You read it straight away."
"I said I was at work, not that I had self-control."
Her lips tug up and I smile more, happy that I managed to lessen the frown on her face.
She moves away from me, heading towards her plants and I just helplessly follow.
"Were you ok last night?" She says softly, her back still to me.
"Yeah." I offer. Admittedly I was miserable. But I was fine.
"No more tears?"
"Not many." I say, my lips tugging up again when her head turns to mine.
She reads me easily and returns my lazy smile, she reaches for her plants, which has a sticky label on in mum's handwriting saying Lottie. Her small, tired smile grows until she grins down at them. They were ok again, green. The rose bush had small buds developing. She touched the other one gently and she laughs.
"God, I didn't know I could be so attached to plants."
I smile. "They are living things."
Her grin shines down still, the energy fully taking over her face as she turns the plant pots around to look at. "They're back alive."
"They are." She's beautiful.
"Your mum is a bloody witch."
I scoff a laugh and she returns to me, still smiling.
"Okay I don't mean it badly, but like she rescued these from the grave."
"I am pretty sure it was my emergency salvaging skills; you know when you brought them to me."
"Oh yes. My finest hour. Crying and begging."
"Lottie." I frown. She flashes me one of her dazzling smiles, as if she amuses herself.
"So you're taking the credit?" She asks.
I shake my head. "No I don't want the credit."
"Good because you are the reason they died in the first place."
"Alright." I just say, stood beside her and she steps closer to the side with the plants, conveniently sliding closer to me as well.
"You don't deny it?" She says, looking down at them.
I lift my hand to her back, my fingertips very hesitantly making contact with the exposed skin. She does not react.
"I feel like it's slightly cruel to blame me for this." I say.
"Well I think it's perfectly reasonable."
"I don't."
She turns her head from looking down and her shoulder presses gently against my chest, her head tilted up to see me. "You hurt me. I forgot about the plants."
"Then you drowned them."
"In a mad attempt to help them."
"I was also upset; you don't see me forgetting any of my plants."
She turns so that she was facing me now and I turn too, her head tilted up.
"That's because you never forget anything. We have two different brains."
"Clearly."
I stare down at her and I wonder what the small alarm bell in the back of my head is saying. I can't really hear it; I can just see her.
She presses her hands against my chest. She sighs. "I need help taking the plants back to mine."
I know she doesn't.
She knows she doesn't.
I whisper. "They'll fit in a bag."
She shakes her head. "No they won't."
"Yes they will."
Lottie slides her hands up to wrap around my neck and I shake my head. I know this is a no. I do. I know we shouldn't. But I duck my head down anyway and as soon as our lips touch I know for sure we shouldn't.
We really shouldn't because it's like fucking melting when we kiss. It's a comfort like no other. So I pull away, I pull away and she drops her hands immediately, hurt.
She gathers the two plant pots and nods to herself, walking back through the workshop to head through to the front.
I stand there willing myself not to go after her.
It's better if you don't.
It's what you want.
It's not what you want that matters though.
What about what she wants?
For god sake, I walk through after her, following her.
"I am sorry." I offer.
She is bent down, trying to grab a bag out from under the till. Her actions fast, harsh. I pull the bag gently from her hands and take over packing up her things.
She says nothing.
It's unnerving. The silence.
I have never been unnerved in silence before, not like the way it affects me when Lottie stops talking.
By the time I have her plants bagged her hand she's upset. It rolls off her and I watch as her hand fucking shakes when I go to pass her bag over.
I pause. "Lottie..."
"No." She whispers.
"I-" I whisper and she looks up at me, again, her eyes so freaking harsh that I wish I could look elsewhere. I usually would. But I don't want to drop her gaze, not when I have let her down so much already.
"I do mean it when I say those words to you." I offer stupidly. I am stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
She erupts. The bag falls and she pushes off the little display box that was on the counter. I watch it slightly shocked as it falls and crashes against the floor, it's pieces spreading.
"Fuck off!" She exclaims. To me, to the box, to the bag that had just fell. "Fuck you Rowan for saying you love me. No you don't."
I stand there.
"You don't love me." She says, crumbling into misery and I hate this. I hate this so much.
"Yes I do." I say unhelpfully.
"No. I don't even want you to love me. I want you to want to be with me. I want you and you-"
I want that too. I do want her. But this is such a fucking mess.
I step forwards, carefully, like approaching a feral animal.
"I just want you to be happy." I say calmly. "That's all. This isn't making you happy."
"I was happy with you."
"Was you though?"
"Yes!" She sobs and she is tearful and it's so bad. God this is so so so so bad. I feel myself begin to fucking choke up.
"You wouldn't be happy." I say, my voice a notch deeper with emotion. "You are moving on Lottie, you have better things coming than this town, than me."
She just cries and as she shuts her eyes I step forwards and gather her up, not afraid to touch her anymore.
"I just want you."
"No you don't." I whisper. "You know you have so much more in you than just loving me."
"I want you and everything else."
"I want you too." Is all I can think of saying. "But I only want to make you happy and I don't think I can."
"That's not your decision to make." She says but instead of pulling away she stands up on her toes and hugs me tighter, so her face was completely pressed into my neck.
"I miss you." I say gently. "I want you. I love you. Please never think this was because I didn't want you. I do. But I need you to go."
She nods and takes in a deep breath.
"Do you understand?" I ask quietly and she drops back down in my arms, her face turning so we could see each other.
One our eyes meet she shakes her head and presses her eyes closed again, I watch as another tear rolls down her cheek.
Lottie nods.
I lower my head to press my lips against her forehead and that should have been it.
It should have been it but Lottie lifts to press her lips against my cheek and I react by pressing mine over the second tear that escapes her eye.
And then her nose.
And then the corner of her mouth.
And then her lips.
Because we are so bad at this.
God we are bad a breaking up. This is awful.
But instead of us going back over things for the thousandth of time, we kiss until my hands are tangled in her hair and hers are gripping handfuls of my t-shirt. We kiss until we can't breathe, until our mouths are open slightly, breaths hot between each other and the air around us cracking under a fever that has been lighted.
I step back.
We do not talk, I crouch down to pick up the bag that fell, her plants. And she turns and gathers up the display that she knocked over. I smile once, thinking about the way she lashes out sometimes, how it's not cute, how it shouldn't be cute. But how it makes me love her so much more.
I think about her and the amount of stupid affection I have for her as she waits by the shop door, and I cash up as fast as fucking humanly possible.
I don't want to ruin this by talking.
So when I am finally done, when we can leave. I lift my hands and I sign. 'Where?'.
She looks at my hands and she searches my eyes and then she lifts her hands and she gives me her own non-verbal reply.
So, we head there.
um one more chapter I think :*