Hello my lovely readers. It's been quite some time hasn't it? My uploads have always been somewhat turbulent, but at some point I just disappeared and I'm sure that was upsetting and concerning. I wanted to sit down and type this up, have a chat with you all so to speak and give you an update as to where I've been, what happened, and what going to happen going forward.
So a little over a year ago I had been struggling in my personal life. I know I've mentioned my physical and mental health in the past and that was valid but it was so much deeper. I'm going to skip the fine details and just lay it all out for you.
Around March of last year I escaped from a very abusive relationship. My mother took me back in, I also quite my retail job and started working for a local family owned gas station. It was cool, the company was so supportive and very pro normalizing mental healthcare. Unfortunately I was still struggling even more then When I was in my relationship. It's like I was struggling to process the trauma i had gone through. And it's not like it's the 1st time I had gone through trauma either I had grown up in a violent abusive of home as a child, so it just added on to that.
I didn't realize how bad my mental health was. I had actually dropped my therapist because I don't need someone asking me about how my day i, I need somebody to help me work on trauma and when I ask the receptionist "I need a new therapist I need to work on my trauma and I asked for a female therapist and you guys give me a male one" they ended up telling me that due to heavy workloads therapist were not going to be processing/working through trauma with patients until further notice, and just an FYI that was last year, around May, and my bestie who still lives in my hometown has told me that shes been told the SAME EXACT THING, and shes more mentally ill then me!
Anyway I thought that was absolutely ridiculous, i kind of snapped at them and their claim was "well it's because of the influx of therapy patients due of covid and its regulations and mandates" it was really upsetting because cause I knew that if I didn't get the help I didn't get the help I didn't get the help I'd be in trouble.
Well I'm gonna skip a lot of filler, i was starting to spiral out of control bro and I was isolating myself, I wasn't eating, I wasn't hanging out with family as often and then "THE DAY" happened. I hadn't slept for 48 hours and I was doing very VERY poorly. I will spare you the details I ended up calling my sister in desperation because I couldn't get ahold of my mom, my sister came and picked me up and I ended up getting admitted to a 24 hour Psychiatric hold facility. It was hard having to talk to them and tell them what I was going to do to myself and why that it was even harder to tell my family.
Fast forward a couple months and I actually met someone.. A person that was unlike any of the partners I'd ever had. Not only that but this person was also queer wich Was so nice considering that most of my partners in the past we're not, but I am and they could never relate to me or understand some of the things that I would try to talk to them about, i didn't really pick the best partners. Anyway my partner came down to Cali from Oregon and stayed with me for a month and and at some point I ended up going and staying with them for a month and I got to thinking you know what why don't I just stay why don't I just start new. And that's what I did I moved I made the decision to just pick up and leave.
It was one of the best decisions I had ever made. Now I have better health care, I have a relaxed job working for the family business where I can make my own hours and I don't work with the public so I don't have to worry about my anxiety spiking when I have to talk to people because I don't have to! I've explored and adventured and experienced so many new things and I'm so happy. I am still struggling with my mental health though for a while I wasn't able to get my ID and get health insurance because I had lost my birth certificate over the years.. I eventually got it and I actually recently got approved for health insurance.
I'm just going through the rounds of making appointments and seeing what doctors are aware and hopefully I can start seeing some improvement in my mental health I'm definitely a lot better than I was when I was living in California but I've nowhere near where I want to be and nowhere near where I need to be to function at a 100%. But my partner really helps me and they're so understanding and kind.
I want to come back to writing it's just been so hard to bring myself to do it. For reasons related to mental health but also because I just feel so bad that I haven't posted any book updates in so long. And I always think about how many times I would post an update about oh yeah I'm gonna start writing again or be on the lookout and then it wouldn't happen because my mental health would tank and my inattentive ADHD would interfere as well. So I'm going to try, simply because I want to. I want to do it for me, because I enjoy writing so much, and I just love seeing you guys interact with the story and each other I love to see how it pulls people in. And of course also because I just love you guys and I know some of you have been itching for your next fix. 😜
Not only that but writing and interacting with you guys makes me feel better, it improves my mood and makes me feel happy. It's just hard to actually do the writing part do the writing part because you know, depression lol