Dekhoon Main Tujhe
Ya Dekhoon Kudarat Ke Nazaare
Mushkilon Mein Hai Yeh Dil Mera
Maana Teri Surat Ki Hai
Chandi Sau Taka Billo
Mere Dil Ka Sona Bhi Khara
Ayla POV
Six months later
The past six months were extremely eventful, I had won my fight against aunty. She was now jailed for seven years in account of mentally, physically and emotionally abusing me and she had to pay me monetary compensation of worth $750,000. Since I had recorded a few interactions of me and Saima baaji and they were played in court, she had to pay about $5000 in damages along with one year of community service since she was pregnant. The day I won my case against aunty, I had come back home and gone straight to do wudu and thank the Lord for not leaving my side. I was in tears because of how He, with His grace and help flipped my life around.
After finishing my prayer and I got up and looked around the house, although this house had a lot of memories of me and baba, it also contained a lot of bad memories for me, so I did what I should've done months ago. I called up Saad bhai, he was in real estate and asked him if I could sell this house and get an apartment somewhere in Toronto. He was more than happy to help me out and so the apartment hunting began. We visited about 20 apartments before I found "the one". It was small and cozy and just perfect. I paid the down payment and soon started the process of moving in.
I recieved a lot of help from everyone around me especially Salaar when it came to moving out of that house, he made sure that I didn't do most of the lifting and gave me space when I needed him to. As for uncle and aunty's house, I had put it up for sale and this young Indian couple ended up buying the house. I had decided to repaint my apartment. I had decided on painting it dark green because it signified new beginnings and that is exactly what this was. My Lord had given me a chance to start over in life. It took me some time to find furniture and decor that matched what I had in mind but after some digging, I had the perfect apartment.
I had kept a housewarming inviting all of my close friends to it and I was bomabarded with gifts and cakes and cards with good luck wishes in this new chapter in life. Settling into this apartment wasn't hard, it was like everything had almost settled for me.
Flashback starts
Three months ago
About two weeks after moving in, I was still in my unpacking phase when my phone rang I looked down at the number and saw it was an unfamiliar number, however it started from +92 indicating it was someone calling from Pakistan. I reluctantly picked it and up and heard the voice of the person, I had least expected to call me,
"Assalam Alaykum Ayla", the familar voice sobbed out
"Wa Alaykum Assalam aapi", I said. Yes it was no one other than my sister who had even refused to take my calls when I was going through all of this shit
"Ayla bacchay, please Pakistan aa jao", she said whilst crying
(Ayla my child, please come back to Pakistan)
"And why would I? I have no one there", I said, whilst giving myself a pep talk to not cry and show them that I'm not weak
"Ayla, ammi passed away last night, her janaza is in two days, akhri baar dekhnay aa jao", she croaked out
(Ayla, mom passed away last night, her funeral is in two days, come see her for the last time)
"Kya", I managed to say weakly
(What?)
And all I could hear was constant sobbing on the other side,
"I'll be right there", I said and hung up
Why? Why must I go through such pain everytime. The minute I feel as if life is looking up for me, it goes right back where I started. I picked up my phone and booked a direct flight with no layovers to Pakistan. I was to leave at 8pm that night and it was going to take me 13 hours to reach Pakistan. I packed a bag with my absolute essentials and made my way to the airport. I waited there for a while and soon the plane started boarding and I was enroute to Pakistan.
Standing infront of the house I grew up in, brought tears in my eyes. The swing in the lawn alone had a million memories, I could hear myself tell abbu to push me on it faster and ammi scolding him because I might get dizzy. The stairs that led the way up to the main door reminded me of all the times I'd fall from them whenever I'd get late. The terrace to the house, where ammi would oil my hair every Saturday morning after abbu would leave for office.
I couldn't control my tears and I burst out crying. I couldn't bring myself to go inside and face everyone, because to them I was the badtameez daughter who had brought shame to the family. If only, everyone knew the truth.
(badtameez-rude)
"Ayla beta is that you", I heard a voice full of pain
I looked up to see my abbu, his eyes full of tears and he was looking directly at me. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what to say so I just looked down, when I felt something I hadn't felt in years, the loving embrace of my father. He hugged me and without hesitation, the little girl in me who craved her father's love hugged back. We both cried in each other arms for a long time and it was filled with him profusely apologizing to me. I didn't say a word because even though I love him more than anything, he had hurt me really badly with his words and actions.
He directed me inside the house and I was instantly hit with the familar scent of our house. I had missed this. Abbu asked me to go my room and as soon as I walked in it, I could see that it hadn't been touched since I had left. My reading books were all there, my past paper booklets from A Levels, no one had touched anything. On my side table was a picture of me and my parents on my 18th birthday of them kissing me on my cheek.
Taking a hold on that picture frame, I picked it up and hugged it. Why couldn't life go back to the way it was, why couldn't this all be a bad dream and I just wake up and everything is normal and this never happens, I so wish to have led a normal life. Hugging that picture frame, I went to sleep crying and missing ammi. I woke up after a while to some commotion around the house, I checked my phone and it was the day of the janaza.
I didn't want to go down just yet, so I started arranging my room, whilst in my mind, I could hear ammi scolding me for whenever, I had a messy room. She would say, "saaf kar rahi hou, ya main tumhari saas kou bulaon", giving a slight chuckle at ammi's words, I felt my heart clench, it really hurt. No matter if you're 20 or if you're 80, losing a parent would still hurt the same. I was going through the drawers of my writing table when one got stuck, I tried opening it and it flung right open and it contained an envelope.
(Are you cleaning up your room or should I call your mother in law)
A/N: This is basically a taunt that every desi mom gives to her daughter lmaooo
The envelope was addressed to me in a handwriting I could recognize in a heartbeat. The letter was left to me by my ammi. A fresh pool of tears came into my eyes, I grabbed the letter and somehow made it to my bed. I wanted to read what it said, but I didn't need any disturbance when I did so I locked my room. Taking a deep breath, I opened it up,
Assalam Alaykum my baby! If you're reading this letter, it means that I'm dead and you're back home. I don't know how to word out my feelings but I'm gonna try to not take too much of your time. Ayla, meri jaan, the day you were born, it was the happiest day for me. You were the most adorable little baby ever. You had me and your abbu wrapped around your tiny little finger. That's why when it came to naming you, we named you Ayla, which meant moonlight because you were the light of our lives.
You've always been a brave and the kindest girl I had ever seen. You were humble and overall a sweetheart, you were everything we ever wanted in life. And I know you might hate me and your dad for whatever you've been through and you should, but I just want to ask you for your forgiveness. Your dad lost his job when the pandemic struck the country, they were downsizing and they kicked him out and round about the same time, the tumor was discovered.
That is round about the time when Mrs. Abbas contacted us, she needed a wife for her son and she had seen you through pictures from your sister's wedding. She was sure that she wanted you as her son's bride. We did some background checks and found out about Shehryar being previously married. And when we confronted her about it, she came clean.
We were very close to saying no to her but then she brought up the money. We needed it and she was offering it up right there. At first, your dad said no but then she kept increasing it and we finally put our foot down to it. The money made your father blind and he saw this as a business transaction. I kept begging him not to do this but he did. When he however, did agree, Mrs. Abbas sent over a contract that we had to sign, which included keeping you in the dark and after you moving to Canada, completely cutting off from you.
Everytime you called home, my heart would clench and I would want to talk to you but your dad would always talk because he knew I'd never be able to keep up the facade and I would tell you to come back. I may be the worst mother in this entire universe but just know my darling that I loved you more than life itself. You were my entire life and I just have this last request to you.
I haven't been well in the past few days and I know my end is near. I talked your father down last night and cried my heart out and made him realize what he's done. And he's realized that he's wronged you. Meri jaan, please forgive him. I know its going to be hard but do it for your ammi's sake. Forgive him. That's all I ask of you. The nurse is about to come in anytime soon to change my IV now, I will ask her to place this in your room.
With lots of love,
Tumhari ammi jaan
I didn't even realize when the tears started dropping off my face. I didn't know what to do or what I could do at this point. This letter didn't justify his behaviour and I don't know if I have the heart to forgive him for what he did. He was my wali for God's sake and he left me to battle life on my own. I don't think it would be easy to forgive him. There was a knock on my door so I quickly wiped my tears and opened it. It was abbu and he came to tell me that ammi's body had been brought home and I could come see her.
(Wali-guardian)
I wasn't ready to see ammi like this but I still went for closure. I sat next to ammi's mayyat , she looked as if she had found peace in the afterlife. I sat down there and started reciting for her, I could hear the relatives gossip around me not keeping in mind that it was literally my mother's funeral. I decided to ignore them and keep praying for my mom's forgiveness. After ammi was taken away to the graveyard, I returned to my room to pray and asked Allah for help regarding this matter. And He doesn't disappoint, after finishing my prayer I picked up my phone and opened instagram and right as I did popped open a thread for istikhara.
(mayyat-body)
(istikhara- seeking Allah's help regarding a decision)
I knew what I had to do and I prayed the nafl for istikhara and left the decision up to the Almighty. The next morning, when I woke up, it was clear that Allah wanted me to forgive them, so I decided to talk to my abbu after the Qul ended. Settling down, after the Qul, I initiated the conversation, I wanted to keep it short so I said,
"Abbu, I wanted to talk to you"
"I wanted to talk to you as well bacchay", he said
The word bacchay instantly brought tears to my eyes, because that is what he would always call me growing up. I blinked multiple times to send back my tears and before I could say anything, abbu cried out,
"Mera baccha please mujhay maaf kar dou, mujhay paison nay andha kar diya tha, main guneghar houn aur Allah nay mujhay uski saza day di hai, beta mujhay tumhari maafi chahiye"
(My child, please forgive me, money had blinded me, I'm a sinner and Allah has punished me for it, my child, please forgive me)
I had to stay strong even though my heart was breaking into pieces seeing my father crying like this. All of my good memories from my childhood started coming up to my mind. For when, he would hold my hand and take me to the Sunday bazaar or when he would tie my shoelaces before school making sure I didn't trip, the secret ice cream runs to the nearby general store when ammi wasn't watching.
"You hurt me, really bad. I was beyond broken and miserable and you being my protector didn't do shit. Dil chahta hai kay main aapko kabhi maaf na karun, lekin kya karun, walid hain aap meray. Main chah kay bhi aap say naraaz nahin reh sakti", I said
(You hurt me, really bad. I was beyond broken and miserable and you being my protector didn't do shit. Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't forgive you for what you've done, but you're my father. I can't deliberately stay mad at you)
He instantly went down on his knees and held my feet despite me protesting
"Beta I know what I've done you wrong lekin please mujhay maaf kar dou. I can't sleep thinking at nights knowing that my daughter is khafa with me", he cried out
(My child, I know what I've done is wrong but please forgive me. I can't sleep thinking at nights, knowing my daughter is mad at me)
"I also couldn't sleep at night in pain from all the bruises and injuries I got from the woman you sold me to", I bitterly spat out
He started sobbing loudly, "I don't know what to do, what can I do to earn your forgiveness", he asked me desperately
"Honestly, nothing. You had a pretty great wife who convinced me to forgive you, so for her sake, I forgive you for whatever you've done to me", I said
"Really, Oh my God Ayla my child, thank you", he said coming forward to embrace me
I put my hand out,
"Just because I forgave you, it doesn't mean I forget. You put me through a lot of pain and I only forgave you for the sake of my mother and closure from this chapter in my life", I said and I got up from the couch
He looked at me with confused eyes
"I'm leaving for Canada tonight and I won't be returning here anytime soon. It was nice knowing you Mr. Ahmed", saying this I turned around and let the tears fall from my eyes
I called up an Uber and got all my stuff in it and asked the driver to firstly take me to the graveyard where I recited Fatiha for ammi and then I made my way to the airport. And I sat on the first flight back to Toronto, feeling light at heart and for have recieved closure from yet another chapter in life.
Flashback ends
After coming back to Canada from ammi's funeral, I had confided to Henna and Salaar about my recent and surprise visit to Pakistan. It took some time to get back to normal and my friends made it easier for me, especially Henna. She had moved back to Toronto for the baby's birth and I had been extremely busy with helping her shop and set up the baby's nursery at her house. As for me and Salaar, things were going extremely well. He didn't ask me out or anything because he knew I wasn't in favour of dating and he respected that. As for the exhibition, the clothes had arrived and they were jaw dropping perfect. The exhibition was in a month and we were now giving everything its final touches.
My divorce hearing was more complicated than I thought. Before we were to go into the legally, we had to consult the local sheikh and he was to do our counselling. Once, he declared that this relationship had no saving, me and Shehryar had to go to our court sessions. Which were mentally exhausting on their own. Right now, we've both given our statements and the court has asked us for some time to review them and then give their decision. I really hope they approve it because I can't keep up with this joke of a relationship.
Ya Allah please be by my side through these hard times!
Hey guys! Didn't mean to go MIA but I had an exam. As promised here's the next chapter of Khudgarzi, I cried writing it lol. Hope you guys like it and if you do, please vote, comment and follow! I love you guys!! MWAHHH!