tw: mention of su!cide
MEREDITH
I woke up a few hours later. I roll over and saw Derek laying next to me. I think he's asleep.
"Derek... are you asleep?" I whisper in his ear.
"not anymore," he says opening his eyes.
"did Emily go to sleep?" I ask. "yes, she fell asleep a little bit before you went to sleep," he says.
"did she wake up?" I ask. "No, I checked on her before I went to bed," he says. "and Logan's still asleep?" I ask.
"I don't know, look next to you," he says. I roll over and see Logan still asleep in the bassinet. I laid down and went back to sleep.
---
I work up again to the feeling of someone shaking me awake. "Auntie Mer, Auntie Mer, Auntie Mer, Auntie Mer!" I hear Emily.
"ugh, what is it, Emily?" I groan. "I need help," she says. "with what?" I ask. "I don't remember how to make cereal," she says.
"you don't make cereal you put it together," I say. I kiss Logan's head as I get out of the bed and go into the kitchen with her.
I take out a bowel, cereal box, and milk. I put the bowel in front of her and pour some cereal and milk inside.
I go back into the kitchen and get her a spoon. "what are you doing up so early?" I ask as I hand her the spoon.
"I don't know," she shrugs. I sit down across from her at the table. "do you want to talk about anything?" I ask.
"I don't know," she says. "How do you feel?" I ask. "about what?" she asks eating her cereal.
"about the baby, Logan, how do you feel about having a baby in the house, because it's okay if you're happy about him being here," I say.
"I do like him, just not when he cries but then you make him stop so it's not so bad," she says. "you don't feel like we're trying to replace you?" I ask.
"No, you can't replace me. I'm not your kid, and you're not my mom," she says. I know she's right but it still kind of hurt.
"I know but you're still family, Em. I will always care about you, even if Derek and I have kids," I say.
"kids? more than one?" she asks. "We might have more when Logan's a bit older," I say. "why, you already have one why would you want more?" she asks.
"I don't know, it's hard to explain when you're an adult," I say. "but why would you want more?" she asks.
"Well, we might miss having a little baby in the house when Logan gets older," I say. "but my mom said you never wanted kids," she says. of course Lexie's told her about me.
"at the time, back then I didn't want kids. but now that I've met the right person and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with I realized I do want kids," I say.
"but why now?" he asks. "Emily, we still-" I say. "No, you can't have more kids!" she says before she stands up and runs into her room.
I sigh as I lean back into my chair. I stand up and pick up her now empty bowel and take it to the sink. I pour the milk down the drain and rinse the bowel out.
I go back into the bedroom and see Derek sitting against the headboard holding Logan who's now awake.
"what was all the yelling about?" he asks as I go into the closet and pick out a dress. "Emily, I asked her to talk about how she felt about the baby in the house. she seemed fine about for a bit until I mentioned that we were going to have more in the future and she got upset," I say.
"why would she be upset about it?" he asks. "because... I don't know, she might feel like she's being pushed out of the family. it was just a little bit when Logan was brought home but if we have another baby then she'll feel a bit more pushed out, and she'll feel more and more pushed out of our family the more kids we have," I say.
"but that's not going to happen, it was never like that with my sisters," he says. "really? then why is Nancy the way she is?" I ask. "because she was born a bitch, my parents say she would never smile when she was a baby," he says.
"anyways. It felt that way when I was growing up, when Lexie was born I thought it was just going to be the one, and then Molly was born, my father was always with Lexie and my mother was always with Molly, and... I was just the black sheep, I guess." I shrug looking at my dress intently.
"well, then thank goodness you met me. I'll give you all the attention you want," he smirks. I smile and blush a bit. he's right. I don't know what I would do if I hadn't met him. I probably would have killed myself by now.
"I don't know the entire thing with your parents, so I'm going to ask..." he says. "Hmm?" I hum. "I know you have a bad relationship with your parents, but are you ever going to try and fix things with them?" he asks.
"No... why?" I ask. "just wondering. I wasn't entirely sure," he says. "why, do you think I should try to make things up with them?" I ask.
"No, my father wasn't as bad as yours and I don't talk to him. I was just asking to know if I should expect them to be in our lives," he says.
"and that's it?" I ask. "yes, and that's it," she smiles. "Okay, I'm going to shower, do you think he'll be hungry any time soon?" I ask.
"he shouldn't be, he's still asleep," he says. "okay, but I'll make it quick just in case," I say. he nods. I go into the bathroom and take a quick shower.
I get dressed and do my hair before going back into the bedroom. "is he still asleep?" I ask.
"No, he's starting to fuss and I think he's want you," he says handing him to me. "of course he does, who doesn't?" I say before leaving the room.
I go into Logan's nursery. I unzip my dress and unclasp my bra. he latches on easily and he nurses.
after he finishes he unlatches. I fix my clothes and put a burp cloth on my shoulder and lay him on my chest and gently pat his back and burp him.
I remove the cloth and put it to the side. I stand up with him still on my chest. I go into the living room and sit down on the couch. I lay him on my chest as he breaths contently. I take a book and start reading.
as I reading I take one hand off the book and rub his back soothingly. "where did you go?" Derek asks as he walks into the living room.
"I'm here," I say. "is he fed?" he asks. "yes, do you want to do me a favor?" I ask. "of course," he says. "get me a pair of his clothes and a diaper," I say.
"that's not a favor that's just something a parent does," he says. "still, I get what I want easier," I say. "all you had to do was ask, but yes I will," he says.
he gets me a clean onesie and a diaper. I change Logan and lay him on my chest again.
"Is Emily still in her room?" He asks. "Yea, I think it'll take a bit adjusting to having Logan around. Is your mom still in Seattle?" I say.
"Yes, I think she'll be here for a week or two more, just to make sure everything's fine and in case we need help with anything," he says. I nod.
"Where do you think you would be if we never met?" I ask.
"What?" He asks looking at me confused.
"If you and I never met, where do you think you would be in life right now?" I say again.
"Gosh... I don't know, I never really thought about it," he says. "I have, I think having Logan makes me think more about it," I say.
"Why?" He asks. "Because I completely changed as a person. When I was a teenager I never wanted anything like this, if I saw someone with the life I have now I would've thought it was misery," I say.
"And now?" He asks.
"I like being a mother, the reason I never wanted kids was because I thought i was going to be like my parents. People always say 'the abused become the abusers' and I don't want that to happen. If I was going to be a bad parent I didn't see the point at trying at all... and the risk was too big for me to take and I had completely lost hope in thinking I would even be able to find someone... anyone who would put up with everything," I say.
"You're not a hard person to be around Mer," he says. "Back then it felt like just being alive was a full time job, me being in the same room as me was hard," I say.
"What about how, had that all changed?" He asks. "I think so. And if I do start to think about it I just go to you and talk about something and then I end up forgetting about it all, or I read," I say.
"That's good... it's good that you can talk to me. Have you told anyone this before?" He says.
"No... and I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone either," I say.
"I'm not going to tell anyone, it was you getting you to trust me I'm not going to ruin that," he says.
"Thank you," I smile. He smiles at me before he turns around and continues what he's doing.
Depressed Mer??