Angelina
Today is a holiday but here I am in front of my therapist's cabin instead of enjoying my day.
Sigh.
I am standing in front of her cabin's door as it is my turn to go in.
To say I am nervous is an understatement.
My heart is beating at an unusually fast rate and each nerve in my body is tensed.
Not that I have not come here before but today is different.
The past few months I have done nothing but go into her cabin and sleep and she used to try everything in her will to try to talk to me.
But today, I have to speak to her.
I decided to get better and fight my fears to start getting better just like Anna. And also I promised her so there is no going back.
But the mere thought of opening up to someone is terrifying.
Why?
I don't know. It's just how I feel.
Maybe I am scared to relive all those incidents again.
Ugh.
Why can't there just be a medicine which erases all our bad memories!
"Miss Stevens is asking you to go in, Ms.", the assistant's voice broke me out of my thoughts.
"Yeah uh okay.", I replied looking at the assistant.
I looked back at the cabin door and took a deep breath.
You can do it, Angelina!
I encouraged myself.
As if I am going into a haunted house!
I thought rolling my eyes internally.
But a haunted house is better than meeting my therapist.
Sigh.
"Ms.", the assistant urged me further to go in.
I nodded at her with a nervous smile and finally twisted the door's knob and went in, closing the door behind me.
Kaylee was sitting behind the table, on her chair, with her index finger and thumb under her chin and was looking right at me.
Okay.
Relax!
I went and sat on one of the two chairs opposite to hers on the other side of the table.
I gathered some courage and looked at her and she is already looking at me.
I gave her a small hesitant smile and she raised her brow a little surprised.
"Did something happen to the original Angelina?", she asked.
"Huh?", I looked at her confused.
"You always stared at the wall behind me these past few months. It is strange that you are looking at me today.", she said amused.
I looked away embarrassed.
"Hey! Don't take your eyes off me. Otherwise I will have to wait for a few more months to earn your look.", she teased.
I am pretty sure my face started heating up due to embarrassment.
"Why are you teasing me?", I asked seriously, looking back at her.
"I am just stating the facts.", she replied nonchalantly and I scoffed.
She is indeed stating the facts though!
"Fine! Can we get this done with!", I asked her.
What's wrong with you, Angelina?
Where are your manners?
"So, you are ready to give it a try?", she asked, a little surprised and shocked.
I clutched my pant tightly and bit my lower lip.
"Y-Yes.", I stuttered, looking at her.
"Why the sudden change?", she asked.
"Why are you asking me that? You should be asking me about my past, right?", I questioned back and it came out a little rude.
Ugh.
Why am I being rude!
I am just being defensive but it is also rude.
Sigh.
"Then, tell me why you are scared of men or boys.", she asked looking straight in my eyes.
I stiffened at the question and looked away.
Don't go there. Please.
I can't and don't want to relive all that.
I clutched my pant tightly, so tight that I wouldn't be surprised if it tore.
Kaylee sighed.
"No one likes to speak about their fears directly to a stranger, Angelina. And also I am not a confession box for people to just come and dump their past and walk away.", she said softly and I looked at her.
"This doesn't work that way. I am here to listen to your past for sure, but I also help people with their present till they grow strong enough to deal it on their own.", she said looking at me and I bit my lip.
"So, I start on milder topics.", she said.
I took a deep breath and nodded.
"I am sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I was just uh just-", I was fumbling with my words.
"Being defensive.", she completed for me and I nodded at her with an apologetic look.
"I understand and it is completely normal. So, let's just start by introducing ourselves as fortunately or unfortunately, this is our first proper session.", she said and I gave her a sheepish smile.
"You already know me so tell me something about yourself.", she said leaning back on her chair.
"There's nothing much. You know my name is Angelina. I love painting and my hobby is reading books.", I said and she nodded.
"So, what would like to be in future?", she asked.
"An artist. Painter to be precise.", I replied.
"That's great. So, tell me something about your family. About your siblings and your father.", she asked.
I sighed.
"Well, I have five brothers and my relation with them is quite normal and my sister and I have a really close and good relation.", I replied.
I didn't say anything about father and I am thankful for her not probing further about it.
"I have got to know that Arianna has joined your family recently. How are you coping with the change?", she asked.
"To be honest, I am very happy to have her as my sister.", I said but paused.
"But?", she probed.
"Huh?", I looked at her.
"There is a 'but' in your statement. What is it?", she asked.
I bit my lip and looked away.
"But I got to know a truth and I am completely confused and my thoughts are all over the place.", I said and she hummed.
"What do you exactly feel about this truth you got to know.", she asked.
"I don't know. I am confused and feel out of place. It's too hard to accept and most of the times I just try to push that thought away.", I said sighing.
"So you are not ready to accept the truth.", she stated.
"Or maybe I am scared to accept it.", I said in a daze.
"Scared?", she questioned.
"I am scared to accept it because the moment I do I am afraid I will have to question everything I hold dear to me.", I said in a low tone.
The day Vince told us about a girl who is supposedly their sister and she resembles mom with eyes just like dad's, everything around me stilled.
I couldn't believe my ears!
My brain was not ready to accept whatever Vince was saying.
Accepting it meant accepting the fact that I am not at all related to them. Not even as a half sibling.
That I am a nobody.
I don't have an identity. I am living someone else's life all these years. I have taken someone else's place and acquired someone else's rights.
Everything I got to experience all these years isn't even meant for me.
I wasn't meant to be loved by my brothers.
My brothers?
That moment when I realized I am not related to them, I also realized that I didn't have the right to call them my brothers anymore.
How can I?
I am not their sister!
I am neither Riccardo Marino's daughter nor Claire Marino's.
I am not a Marino!
I lost my identity. It is not my real identity in the first place.
I am not Angelina Marino. I am just Angelina.
The moment I realized that, everything started crumbling down. It was too big a truth to hear let alone accept.
It felt like standing in the middle of nowhere.
The thought alone started suffocating me and to escape all those thoughts, I asked all the stupid questions like who is my real family and if I too have one family somewhere.
I later realized that I hurt all my brothers with such questions but I couldn't help it.
I desperately wanted to escape that reality and talk something or the other to keep all the helpless thoughts away from my mind.
All my life I tried to gain my father's acceptance but failed to do so and to know that my brothers who love me and support me are not related to me made my senses go numb.
The thought of them not being with me and not holding me started ringing in my ears and each nerve in my body felt wrecked.
It is too suffocating and my heart clenches really tight at the mere thought of leaving them.
But what about Anna and especially dad?
Before knowing the truth, I was just a little scared and hurt because of dad. But after knowing the truth, each time I see him, the truth feels like a harsh slap on my face.
He never acknowledged me as his daughter and now, he doesn't even have to. I am not his daughter and he would never even consider me as one.
Each time I look at him and he looks at me I get reminded of the fact that I am not their family. That I am being selfish by still staying in the house.
And whatever he said on his birthday is still ringing in my ears.
I am just a nobody who is still selfishly experiencing everything that is not meant for me.
The thought suffocates me but the idea of leaving the house and my brothers clenches my heart painfully.
And to top it off, I didn't even realize when Anna has come to mean so important to me.
Even before I could realize, she made a special place in my heart and life for herself. At first, I talked to her to make her feel comfortable and welcomed but I never imagined both of us to get so attached so quickly.
I tried to distance myself from the brothers but failed to do so and now I am attached to their sister too.
Can life get anymore complicated!
At first, I thought of forcing Vince to find my real family and leave the house. The mere thought was painful and I couldn't sleep for several nights with all the thoughts and pain plaguing my mind.
I wanted to go to Vince and share everything but I stopped myself from doing so. I constantly reminded myself that I don't have such rights anymore.
Vince was upset and angry and stopped talking to me completely.
At first I thought it was best that he ignored me but as days passed by, I couldn't bear his silence and the fear of losing the person who stood by me and held me through thick and thin felt like losing a part of my soul.
So, I apologized to him and did everything in my strength to gain his forgiveness.
He did forgive me but he is still upset as I am not going to him and sharing my thoughts as frequently as I used to do before learning the truth about my identity.
My relationship with all my other brothers is pretty normal as it was but still it is not the same. Somehow, I feel a lot changed between us these past few months.
It's not about Anna but something that truly changed between us.
They don't tease me as often as they used to. They stop it even before we can start to argue. We don't argue as often anymore and the playful fights have decreased considerably.
They care for me just like before. They do. But still we are not the same.
All these changes have started to scare me at the beginning but as time passed by, the fear turned into hurt.
I am hurt.
But I don't have the right to be.
I should be happy for what all they are still doing for me. I am in no place to ask for more.
I am so happy that Anna accepted me whole heartedly even after knowing that I am nowhere related to her and that I had been living the life that was meant for her.
I am happy that Vince treats me just like before and Anna and I have grown so close that it almost feels like we are twins.
But with my other brothers, a lot of things changed these past few months.
The moment they start teasing me and I start retorting to their comments, they hold themselves back and give in to whatever I say.
At the beginning, I thought I was just overthinking but as days passed by, it continued and I understood that I wasn't overthinking but they are indeed holding themselves back.
At the beginning, I used to get scared that I somehow offended them and I used to mentally scold myself for answering back but now, I am hurt and I don't want to do anything to hurt them.
So, I am arguing less with them these days.
It hurts a lot to know that many aspects changed in our relationship but I can't complain. I just can't.
My brothers accepting me and caring for me even after learning the truth is itself a very big thing and I should be grateful for that. I shouldn't complain about the changing relations.
I am in no position to demand anything!
But with increasing change, the fear started increasing too.
Fear of losing them.
Fear of losing the only people who loved and cared for me.
Fear of losing my family.
Every time they hold themselves back, I want to take a step forward and hold on to them but I stop, reminding myself that I should just be grateful with what all they are offering and not ask for more.
I just want to experience those carefree arguments and fights we used to have before the truth came out.
I still don't understand how I thought I would be okay by staying away from my brothers.
How did I even think that I could ignore them?
I must be a fool to think I would be fine by leaving them and staying away!
I sometimes feel that maybe because I tried to ignore them in the beginning that they started distancing themselves from me.
Did I really push their limits?
Can we never again be like before?
Have I already started losing them?
The mere thought filled my senses with immense fear and my heart clenched with extreme pain.
I don't want to lose them.
Please!
"Angelina!", Kaylee's loud voice broke my trance.
I looked up breathing heavily and saw her standing right beside my chair and rubbing my back.
I hadn't even realized that my breathing has gotten extremely fast and I am clutching my shirt near my heart.
"What happened? Are you okay? You zoned out suddenly and didn't respond to me at all.", she asked with extreme concern and is still rubbing my back continuously.
I realized my palms are trembling slightly and I fisted them to stop the tremble.
She lifted my chin gently and wiped my tears.
Did I cry in front of her?
Ugh.
Can I be anymore pathetic!
The thought of breaking down in front of her didn't settle well with me.
So, I stood up abruptly and she took a step back startled.
I didn't spare her a glance and rushed out of her cabin.
"Angelina.", she called out but I didn't stop.
I rushed towards the washrooms and went in. I looked at myself in the mirror and clenched my eyes tightly, disappointed in myself.
I then splashed some water on my face to cool down and also to remove the traces of tears from my face.
That's when the ringing of my mobile startled me.
I picked up my mobile and sighed looking at the caller ID.
I lifted the call and the person on the call didn't even wait for me to greet before questioning me.
"Where are you, Angelina?", he asked.
"I am in the washroom, Vince.", I answered with a sigh.
Maybe one of the guards informed him about my sudden rushing out of Kaylee's cabin.
"Has your session completed?", he questioned in his usual emotionless voice.
I didn't answer him.
I know there is still some time left for my session to complete but I don't want to go back in. At least not today.
My thoughts are all over the place and I don't want anyone to see me so vulnerable.
"Come home, Lina.", Vince said and his voice went a tad bit soft.
I hummed and cut the call.
I am thankful he understood my hesitance to attend the session right now.
I walked out and the guard drove me home.
I have to apologize to Kaylee for walking out so suddenly and not informing her.
I am sure Vince would have informed her about my departure but still I should apologize.
Sigh.
After a few minutes, I reached home and went straight to my room.
After I reached my room, I went straight to the bathroom and stood under the shower, not bothering to take off my clothes.
I know this will happen!
When answering the questions of my therapist, I first evaluate my thoughts and feelings and then answer her.
That way, all the feelings, the thoughts and fears have to be acknowledged and accepted before answering.
All those fears I kept ignoring and pushing away all this time have crashed on me all at once and I don't even understand how to handle myself.
At a time like this, I generally go to one of my brothers but right now, an unknown fear is stopping me from reaching out.
I shook my head vigorously to cast away all the thoughts and I took a proper shower to divert my mind.
I then went out and took out a new canvas to paint something so that I can stop myself from overthinking.
I took a brush but nothing came to my mind.
I got frustrated after a while and was going to paint the whole sheet black but Anna's voice stopped me.
"Angel", she called me and I flinched at the sudden arrival.
"Hey, I am sorry. I should have knocked.", she said with a soft smile and I shook my head.
"You don't have to knock. I was just preoccupied with something so I got a little startled.", I said, looking away.
She walked to me and hugged me while I was sitting and I buried my face on her midriff. She rubbed my back gently.
"How did it go?", she asked softly.
"I don't want to attend therapy.", I said and she chuckled.
"Seriously? You decided that just with one session?", she asked.
"It's too hard.", I complained.
"It will get easier.", she said and I sighed.
She gently broke the hug and sat beside me.
"What are you painting?", she asked, trying to lighten up the mood.
"Nothing. I feel completely blank right now.", I replied, looking at the white sheet.
She rested her head on my shoulder and stared at the white canvas.
"It's fine, Angel. I felt like that too. Do you remember how you cheered me up after my first session?", she asked and I laughed.
"I was being really weird that day.", I said shaking my head at my own stupidity.
"You were. But it really helped me to cheer up.", she said with a chuckle and I chuckled too.
She held my hand gently and looked at me.
"It will be alright, Angel. Both of us will get better. Just a little effort and we can live a better life.", she said softly.
I gave her a genuine smile and my heart lightened a little.
"I hope so.", I said.
Before she could say more, Sofia called us for dinner.
We went to the dining room and everyone were already seated there.
We went and sat in our respective places and the food was served.
I took a bite and looked at Anna.
"You cooked it.", I said with a smile and she laughed.
"How did you know?", she asked.
"Come on! It is evident from the taste.", I replied.
"Is it good or bad?", she asked with a small smile.
"You've got to be kidding me! Of course it is great! You are a great cook. I am jealous.", I said with a pout and she chuckled.
"You should be, brat!", Dylan scoffed and I narrowed my eyes at him.
"If I try I can cook too.", I huffed.
"Sure. Keep dreaming.", Dylan said with a scoff.
"You've been saying that for years now, Angel. But still you can't cook like us.", Ace said with a chuckle.
"I can.", I argued and looked away.
I was expecting an argument. This is a topic that my brothers never stop teasing me about.
"Yes, you can.", Ace said and I could sense a little hesitance in his voice and I stiffened.
Suddenly the playfulness dropped from my face and I swallowed the lump formed in my throat.
Why are they holding themselves back?
Why are they not teasing and arguing like before?
Have I done something wrong?
Are they upset because I tried to ignore them in the beginning of Anna's arrival?
Or has the relation we had slowly started to change because of the truth?
All such thoughts and the feelings that burst in me during the therapy are coursing through my mind and I am unable to think properly.
The fear and hurt are slowly showing their impact.
"Can I?", I asked seriously, looking down at my plate.
After a moment's silence, Theo answered me.
"Of course you can, Angel.", he said with a chuckle but it wasn't like before.
I don't know if I'm just overthinking but my mind is filled with the thoughts and feelings I have tried to avoid all these days.
I didn't say anything and continued eating.
In my peripheral view, I could see Vince and Anna looking at me but I didn't look at them.
After completing half of my food, I stood up and everyone looked at me startled.
"I am full. I am tired so I'm going to sleep.", I said and quickly walked out of the dining room.
I ran to my room and fell on my bed.
Tears started brimming my eyes but I bit my lip hard to stop the tears from escaping my eyes.
I turned to my bedside table and looked at the photo frame placed on it.
It is of me with all my brothers and Anna at the hill top which we visited on a holiday.
I sat up and took the photo frame in my hands. I caressed it gently with the most terrifying and painful thought in my brain.
Am I losing them?
**********************************************************************
Phew! A very long chapter!
What do you think about Angel's fears and feelings?
Why do you think the brothers are holding themselves back?
How was the little interaction between Angel and Anna?
Who is your favorite character so far?
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Yours lovingly,
Author.